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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To potentially ruin a lovely life with a 3rd child!!

261 replies

Noideawhatimdoing12 · 07/05/2021 12:31

I need wise advice mumsnetters and I'm secretly hoping you tell me exactly what choice to make (although I know it that's not how it works unfortunately).

So I have 2 lovely dd 11 and 8 and they are the best of friends (99% of the time). But me and dh love the idea of a 3rd child.

I'm 33 and he is 40, we come from small families. Dh is an only child and I have one sister who is my best friend but she doesn't have or want any children. I've loved being a parent and having a family and I saw a big busy family as I got older. So...

Are the age gaps to big?

I'm so worried that my dd11, who loves the idea of a big family will love a baby, but my dd8 will not cope with her big sister choosing a baby over her and feel rejected (she's more sensitive and a bit needy and hates the idea of another sibling).
She will be the poor middle child. Is this a silly reason?

Is it selfish to have a 3rd for it to spend most its childhood an only child when the other two have gone off into the world?

What if I ruin such a lovely comfortable life? For all of us.

But....
What if its lovely, and busy, and everyone gets on, and it makes my dd8 confident and capable.

I'm driving myself crazy...
Anyone any words of wisdom or experiences of 3rd babies with age gaps or regrets?

OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 07/05/2021 19:33

Do you want another baby? That's what should be your focus

Really disagree with that. Your existing children should be your focus.

MrsJBaptiste · 07/05/2021 20:25

Ah, well on the back of your last post OP, it's probably unlikely to happen anyway so maybe get used to being a family of four - which is great!

Nameregretter · 07/05/2021 20:27

@Whythesadface

Grab something that could break, and your not allowed to put it down. For 24 hours both of you have to hold this item and take it everywhere with you. Even when doing things for your children. Also set an alarm for 4.30am and 5.30am for tomorrow. Make yourself get out of bed and got downstairs and come back up, with your object in hand. Then see how you feel.
This is hilarious...and great advice!
LockdownCheeseToastie · 07/05/2021 20:34

Have to say early teens are much needier than late primary kids so don’t assume the older ones will be at an easier stage when you would also have a toddler to cope with.

billy1966 · 07/05/2021 20:34

@Whythesadface

Grab something that could break, and your not allowed to put it down. For 24 hours both of you have to hold this item and take it everywhere with you. Even when doing things for your children. Also set an alarm for 4.30am and 5.30am for tomorrow. Make yourself get out of bed and got downstairs and come back up, with your object in hand. Then see how you feel.
Brilliant.

Absolutely hilarious 👏👏

Stoptalkingtome · 07/05/2021 20:39

It's tough because at those ages, with a baby, you will be on call 24/7 and it's absolutely exhausting. You come down from finally getting the baby to sleep and your teen now needs to talk to you and then the next one appears. If you can manage that, maybe go for it

traumatisednoodle · 07/05/2021 20:46

Have to say early teens are much needier than late primary kids so don’t assume the older ones will be at an easier stage when you would also have a toddler to cope with.

This, this, this

Springsnake · 07/05/2021 20:55

I’ve got 4 ,3 under 3 ,then a 10 year gap.
It was much harder going from 1 to 2 .
Going from 2 to 3 ,and 3 to 4 ,was fine ,
The hard part was definitely 1 to 2

Ginblooded · 07/05/2021 21:29

My DS was 9 when baby was born and DPs son was 6, a little younger than yours but still quite a large age gap!
Baby is 8 months old now and they absolutely adore him- he's probably the only person who can snap my 10 year old out of a bad mood!

Sometimes I think 'what on earth have I done' and miss the freedom I had with having an older child/ren but I honestly wouldn't change anything.

This may all change when he is a toddler though 😂

Hankunamatata · 07/05/2021 21:31

My youngest is 8 and we are loving doing stuff with them now they are older. Baby would spoil all that in our situation.

LittleNightin · 07/05/2021 21:49

I've got 3 boys, the oldest is 71/2, middle-5 and baby 7 months. I thought my 5 year old would really struggle as hes quite sensitive/demanding but hes been amazing, they both have. They absolutely adore him. Obviously we're only 7 months in but so far it's working out better than I could of imagined.

DamnYouAutoCatRectal · 07/05/2021 22:00

My DC3 is nearly 2, with similar age gaps. A lot of the issues people have about planning days out for big age gaps etc, are less relevant once the age gaps are this big. The older children take themselves to school, so I'm not dragging a little one on the school run. We do still do days out as a family, but DC1 is starting to spend more time going off with his friends and I can see this time coming for DC2.

Obviously covid has changed things a bit, but I've really enjoyed 3rd time round. With DC1 I had no idea what to do with a baby, with DC2 it was always busy with a toddler and a baby, with DC3 I just enjoy the time we spend together. A velcro baby who just wants cuddles is a bonus when your older children have got to the stage where nothing would be more embarrassing than a public hug.

Happymum12345 · 07/05/2021 23:26

My 3rd was a happy accident-once adjusted to the idea & brought love and laughter to her older siblings. They’re a totally different kettle of fish to the first two and will be totally spoilt.

Mary46 · 07/05/2021 23:27

Good luck op. My colleague has 3 a constant juggle she says. Guess it depends on age gaps. I have 2 its plenty lol. But maybe bit easier if 1 or 2 are at school

Ilady · 08/05/2021 02:26

I would not have a 3rd child when you already have a child of 8 and 11.
Your now 33 and your husband is 40. The 11 year old and 8 year old will need support in different ways as they grow up. They need your time when it comes to making subject, college choices and be brought to college open days. College is not cheap either. At the moment you can do things as a family and go to better holiday places because your children are that bit older.

You need to consider that within the next 15 years your kids will be finished or almost finished in college. Your husband will be around 55/56 and you will 48/49. So you and him then have more time and money and this gives more options. You could both decide to stay in full time work until X age and then go PT or perhaps you could retire earlier that the old age state pension
allows. A 3rd child now would not give you these options down the line.

Wotsitsarecheesy · 08/05/2021 06:26

Agree with so many others. I have 3, and the older 2 (boys) function as a pair and don't really get on with DD, the youngest. And DD takes far more of my attention as she has ASD and other difficulties. It means that we rarely had family outings that all enjoyed, and more significantly the boys had to fend for themselves a bit in those difficult teenage years. I love DD to bits, she is brilliant and talented but also incredibly hard work emotionally and time wise. I had to give up work to be around for her, which stopped most trips/holidays as finances no longer allowed these. It also meant that often we ended up split as a family, with me doing something with DD while DH did something with DSs, so even in the same place weren't always together. There is no denying that everything has been far, far more difficult with 3, and we haven't been able to do things that DCs friends all do. We have never had a family holiday abroad, for instance, and as eldest DC is at university now, it will never happen. So the kids have all missed out on things their friends consider 'normal'. It sounds like finances might not be an issue for you, but everything is more expensive with 3, and if a third has difficulties that mean one of you has to cut down or stop work, can you still cope with this?

CutieBear · 08/05/2021 08:53

@Ginblooded @LittleNightin come back when your older DC are teens and your youngest is in nursery/reception. I’m the eldest of 3 with a large age gap between myself and youngest. I felt abandoned and suffered with severe depression because I didn’t feel I could bother my parents with my (very serious) problems as they were busy with the youngest. I had to pretend I was ok. Also, everything revolved around activities for the youngest.

DevilsAdvocaat · 08/05/2021 08:59

I have 13, 11 and 1 yo.
We had all the worries you had and honestly it's the best decision we ever made.

Our third is a joy and the older two dote on her.

I was worried that we were going back to chaos after life had settled and was easy. But actually I think it was a bit too easy and DH and I have missed the (slight) busy/crazy chaos of having a toddler.

My older boys have never resented or complained about our daughter but I guess that really depends on the individual children.

Dishwashersaurous · 08/05/2021 14:43

given your particular circumstances with the vasectomy you really really need to find out if it is possible to reverse it, and it be successful. Otherwise you could set your heart on something which is physically impossible

Ginblooded · 08/05/2021 17:26

@CutieBear That's interesting hearing it from the older child perspective and definitely something to be mindful of as all the children get older. Sorry it was such a bad experience for you Thanks

Friedasunibrow · 08/05/2021 17:28

I have 3 and I love it, I didn’t have as big a gap but I had a bigger gap between 2 and 3 than 1 and 2 and was able to really relish his babyhood in a way I couldn’t as well when I had a baby and a toddler. It’s like having you first baby time wise if you have a bigger gap but without all the first time fears. I vote go for it

AuroraSophia · 08/05/2021 17:31

I don’t understand previous posts claiming having another is ‘selfish’ ?? Once the 3rd comes they will fit in just as easy as the second! I’m currently going from 4 to 5 and can’t wait the house is full of life and love and they always have someone to play with! Oldest 11 Youngest 3 and TTC now. Go for it OP xx

olbndanszombie · 08/05/2021 17:52

Our eldest ds was 15 and our second son was 5 when our dd came along and it was lovely, we thought youngest would struggle but he loved her from the minute she arrived. And I was 10 years older than you op so no option to round up to 4! My advice is go for it and enjoy the chaos 😀

yellowribbon12 · 08/05/2021 18:03

I have 3. Eldest two were 8 and almost 6 when he arrived. It’s is honestly the best decision we ever made. They have always got on and they loved him straight away. They are now 24,21 and 15 and are still great together.

I remember feeling the same as you but my Aunt gave me the best piece of advice which was “you will never regret having another child but you could/will regret NOT having another “.

Dreamingofthesea · 08/05/2021 18:03

We had an unplanned third child. There is a ten year age gap between the eldest and youngest. It’s the best thing that ever happened to us. She’s brought immense joy to us, although not always ideal when choosing a family film but that’s a first world problem. I always believe you regret the things you don’t do, rather than the things you do. Having said this, we’re lucky she was an easy baby who slotted in nicely! We can’t imagine life without her... x