To potentially ruin a lovely life with a 3rd child!!

[Noideawhatimdoing12]

I need wise advice mumsnetters and I'm secretly hoping you tell me exactly what choice to make (although I know it that's not how it works unfortunately).

So I have 2 lovely dd 11 and 8 and they are the best of friends (99% of the time). But me and dh love the idea of a 3rd child.

I'm 33 and he is 40, we come from small families. Dh is an only child and I have one sister who is my best friend but she doesn't have or want any children. I've loved being a parent and having a family and I saw a big busy family as I got older. So...

Are the age gaps to big?

I'm so worried that my dd11, who loves the idea of a big family will love a baby, but my dd8 will not cope with her big sister choosing a baby over her and feel rejected (she's more sensitive and a bit needy and hates the idea of another sibling).
She will be the poor middle child. Is this a silly reason?

Is it selfish to have a 3rd for it to spend most its childhood an only child when the other two have gone off into the world?

What if I ruin such a lovely comfortable life? For all of us.

But....
What if its lovely, and busy, and everyone gets on, and it makes my dd8 confident and capable.

I'm driving myself crazy...
Anyone any words of wisdom or experiences of 3rd babies with age gaps or regrets?

My two girls were 10 & 8 when our little boy was born. I had the exact same worries as you. I’m so happy we decided to go for it. He’s two now bothers girls adore him and he adores them, plus they are such a brilliant help! It’s been much easier third time around and I’ve enjoyed it so much more being a little bit older and more patient

It’s really nice to read how many have found themselves in your position and that things worked out. Personally I wouldn’t, but do what your heart tells you.

It could go either way OP - it’s a gamble and in reality everyone’s experience is different.

My DH, DIL and I are all third children after a big gap. Strangely with all three of us our two siblings 8 and 10 years older. We all agree that we didn't have the attention/ advantages of being an only child nor did we have the company of siblings of a similar age. In fact I always felt that I was just the irritating little sister. I have three children and our middle one definitely suffered from middle child syndrome. Some would also suggest that from an environmental point of view having more than two children is irresponsible these days. You could of course ignore that and have four!

"selfish to have a 3rd for it to spend most its childhood an only child"

I have an only child and don't think that's selfish / negative.

You didn't mention anything about your financial situation in your OP (I've not read whole thread), but if you can afford it, and you and DH both want it, go for it. Your other children will adapt. Wish you health and happiness with whatever you decide x

Maybe I shouldn't comment.. :-)
I have seven kids! First when I was 19, last when I was 45. Never had a second's regret.

Speaking as an actual only child, don't let the fear that #3 would feel like an only stop you! S/he will make friends, have a social life, and have the utter joy of being the center of your universe for a good many years. LOL, I have several friends whose younger siblings were born years later, and your two current children will have a tougher time than the possible third child. Most because they will be old enough to have some sense that their parents did THAT to get that sibling. My friends found it horribly embarrassing at the time, but later on, had lovely relationships with the younger children.

Just don't fall into the horrible habit of assuming that when your eldest is 18 and the new one is 7, that the eldest can babysit at a moment's notice and without pay!

Only you can know what’s right for your family, but (as others have advised) I’d be cautious and you’re right to think deeply on it.

Some insights which you’re absolutely free to discard - because every family is unique. But sent in the spirit of offering different perspectives x

1. I’m one of 3 children. I’m the middle on. 2 year gap between me and the eldest sibling - the youngest is 7 years younger. It was never a matter of us not getting on - we were a happy home and all got on brilliantly.

But in adulthood the (adored) youngest, has never been able to shake a feeling of not being good enough and struggles with depression, bad depression . Logically it makes no sense - she was actually the brightest of us all - she knows this - but her early experiences left an imprint - she always felt she couldn’t run as fast, do as much, wasn’t as good (just because she was so much younger not because we were mean to her) and felt the loss of us so badly when we went to uni.

1. My best friend had two close together, 8 year gap then another (who is 7 now). She can’t say it out loud as it’s awful to admit, and of course loves all her children, but she regrets it and is really struggling with her mental health

I’ve been wracking my brains for a more encouraging example - there will of course be many out there, just not in my personal experience - thankfully there are many in this thread.

I’m sure you’ll make the right decision for you and your family x

Also, I don't want to de-rail your thread but I can't stand ableist comments like 'what if the child has special needs.' It's not the end of the world for a child to have additional needs and it certainly isn't a reason why they shouldnt exist at all.

Thank you. As a mother to a disabled child these comments were really upsetting me, but I thought perhaps I was being unreasonable. They are ableist comments. You’re right. Thank you for pointing that out.

@Noideawhatimdoing12

You could always have 2 more then you'd have 2 older ones and 2 little ones 🤣🤣

My friend did this - slightly different circumstances she had 2 older ones with her first husband, they divorced and then she re-married

They decided to have 2 children together so the little ones had a playmate bearer their own ages she had them fairly close in age (2 under 2) and they are lovely little companions and when their older siblings go to their Dads they still have company and as your older girls edge into teenage years and "do their own thing" a bit more this could be a similar thing in that 2 younger ones would be close
To each other as the older girls are.

If you can give love and a happy family life then why not? Xx

I have 4 but the last two were not planned. It worked out ok with DC3 as I had a 4yr old and a 2yr old so she just slotted right in with the chaos and honestly it didn’t make much difference have 3 rather than 2. DD4 however came 4.5years later. DC still relatively young but the age gap was very noticeable from the off. 5 school years is a lot! Now I have 3 independent teenagers and a 9yr old. The 9yr old is not on the same level as the teenagers. I often wished she’d come along 2 years after DD3. They love her but she’s just too young to join in the conversations etc they have with are more adult so she gets left out a lot. I would therefore be cautious about having another after 8yrs. You are right in thinking there will be a huge disparity between the DC. As adults though I’m sure this will fade away but as kids you may have to accept that if your older 2 leave home you’re youngest will be on her own. Also the independence of older children v’s a baby is a game changer. For this reason I will never have any more DC. I want my life back sooner rather than later but you may feel differently about that.

Haven't rtwt sorry but wanted to say that my DH is the youngest in his family with a 10 year gap between him and his next brother. He'd say it really depends on the parents - like some PP said, them essentially being an "only child" when your older ones become teens/move out isn't necessarily a bad thing because they get the parents' attention, and can of course form friendships and live happy and fulfilled lives.

However DH did not have this experience. His parents were too busy for him (he was a surprise baby), his 3 other siblings loved having a baby/toddler and played a lot with him when he was younger but then eventually all moved out and he felt very alone for a large portion of his childhood. His parents also compared him a lot to his siblings and complained that he wasn't as independent/good in certain things so that really affected him. (now they sound like horrible people but they really aren't, they were just not very well thought-through in this aspect and they have spent a lot of time working through it all together...)

We've always said that if we have another after a long gap we will have to have 2, because of how scarred he
DH is by his experience.

But, OP, you sound like you really want this baby and have thought it through and importantly thought about your other DC...so I think if you really feel it would be a lovely addition to your family and you can spare the attention and time it would take (which it sounds like you can) I would go for it

@3boyshere

I have three children and it is amazing. They are grown up now and two are married aged 31, 28 and 23. The youngest is still at home. The eldest has two children and the middle has a baby on the way. I absolutely love it. They all get on well and are always there for each other. This afternoon they all sat at the kitchen table laughing with each other eating lunch. We always say that the middle one has 'middle child syndrome' but in real terms they don't It was hard work when they were young but would not change it for the world xx

@3boyshere that's fantastic to read! I always think of when they're older around the table. I have two aged 5 and 8, currently 37 weeks pregnant so will end up with similar ages to yours.

@traumatisednoodle

OP I really don't think there is a right answer to this. I am one of 3 with similar age gaps (I am the eldest). At the time I was quite unimpressed with my DM having another baby. I stopped at 2, however I have days when I wish I'd gone for it. As an adult I think having a baby in the house was good for me as a teenager. I was an ace babysitter and am now a peadiatrician !!

@traumatisednoodle I love this!

Or you could but yourself a nice new car?

I hear you as I went through this , wanted a 3rd for years (have boy and girl now) and dh didnt. Almost had a 3rd when my 2 were 16 and 13, then decided not to. So glad i didnt as now , in my mid 40's i have older teens and am loving the freedom and bits of time I am getting to msyelf , discovering more things I like. A friend did have a 3rd with your age gaps but was exhausted and it even split her marriage up, not saying that will happen but think carefully as its a huge step back to the start , sleepness nights, a small person needing you 24 7.
If you both want one its easier I guess, as my dh didnt,

I have a19DD, 17DS and a 11DS so similar age gap. It's not easy but you've already managed 2 and I think that's a harder jump. No 3 just fits right in and the older two were very good when DS was tiny. I felt like someone was missing from our family. Never regretted it for a minute. Good luck whatever you decide OP :)

I am a middle child and it made me very independent. Oldest was always the first child and special. Youngest was always the last child and precious and the only boy. I was the middle child who was left to get on with it. But I did like having a big sister and little brother and still do and I am 70 now.

@AnnaBananaFoFana

I very unexpectedly fell pregnant with my 4th baby at the end of 2019. My three were 12, 10 and 7 at the time. She was born in June 2020 and she has honestly been the biggest blessing for all of us. My DD had just turned 8 when she was born. I was so worried about the age gap but it has been absolutely wonderful. We are all enjoying her so much. She has brought nothing but love and laughter into our home. Her siblings are all old enough to really enjoy her. I was so worried that my DD8 would be sad not being the baby of the family anymore but that absolutely has not happened. She loves being a big sister.

Same here! My youngest was born when my three were 9, 8 and 6. It's been absolutely brilliant. The 'baby' is 10 now and she's the reason my teenage boys still love doing "family things". I wouldn't have it any other way!

i have 3 ,i really wanted 3 but i had my last 2 close together due to my age & it was really difficult & my older child i feel got lost in the chaos of the other 2& i don't regret my last child he is a complete joy but i wouldn't of had 3 if my time was again.

I went past someone in the corridor at work yesterday saying passionately 'they told me number 3 just fits right in and they don't, they so don't, it's the worst decision we ever made'...

@PermanentTemporary

I went past someone in the corridor at work yesterday saying passionately 'they told me number 3 just fits right in and they don't, they so don't, it's the worst decision we ever made'...

Maybe they've just gotten a third dog?

Don’t have a third with such a large age gap. The two orders will resent the youngest forever and a day. Count your present blessings.

I am the oldest child of 3 girls with exactly the age gap you describe. I definitely felt like a third parent, but I loved that & we are still very close! I think my middle sister struggled a bit but we had each other & Dad spent time with both of us when Mum was with baby. By the time baby was older, we were old enough to understand that every baby comes with their own love & she took nothing away from our parents love for us. You’re so young, you’ll maybe only be 43 when your youngest is an adult, then what? Your older children will be able to go off & do their thing, knowing you don’t have an empty nest. My parents were older so a 4th wasn’t an option but if they’d been younger I think they would have had another so my youngest had a sibling close in age. They were financially more comfortable by the time my youngest sister was the only child at home so she benefitted from that. I think if you asked her she would say she had the best of both worlds, older siblings & being an only child. It kept my parents young at heart which was good for the oldest two of us. None of us would change it. Personally I think you can adapt your life to second guess what your daughters can cope with but the reality is it is a decision for you & your husband to make & chances are your daughters will be absolutely fine. If you don’t have another baby, there could be anything happen in life that could affect one or both of your children & there’s no way to predict. I think you’ll always think ‘what if’ if you do. Now I’m a Mum I genuinely believe you know if you have another baby in you or not so go with your heart, it’s not often wrong IME.