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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To potentially ruin a lovely life with a 3rd child!!

261 replies

Noideawhatimdoing12 · 07/05/2021 12:31

I need wise advice mumsnetters and I'm secretly hoping you tell me exactly what choice to make (although I know it that's not how it works unfortunately).

So I have 2 lovely dd 11 and 8 and they are the best of friends (99% of the time). But me and dh love the idea of a 3rd child.

I'm 33 and he is 40, we come from small families. Dh is an only child and I have one sister who is my best friend but she doesn't have or want any children. I've loved being a parent and having a family and I saw a big busy family as I got older. So...

Are the age gaps to big?

I'm so worried that my dd11, who loves the idea of a big family will love a baby, but my dd8 will not cope with her big sister choosing a baby over her and feel rejected (she's more sensitive and a bit needy and hates the idea of another sibling).
She will be the poor middle child. Is this a silly reason?

Is it selfish to have a 3rd for it to spend most its childhood an only child when the other two have gone off into the world?

What if I ruin such a lovely comfortable life? For all of us.

But....
What if its lovely, and busy, and everyone gets on, and it makes my dd8 confident and capable.

I'm driving myself crazy...
Anyone any words of wisdom or experiences of 3rd babies with age gaps or regrets?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/05/2021 16:27

I think the real issue with those that I know with a big gap is the two family dynamic.

You will have minimum 9 and 12 year old with all the activities and a new born.

Then a 12 and 15 year old with a toddler.
All holidays will be tricky.

I don't know anyone who has wished their child away but I I definitely have come across a lot that have said the big gap made things very tricky.

They all felt that they missed out on a lot with the older children because of the restrictions of a toddler.

You need to think very hard about how you live your life now and then try and inagine that with a baby, feeding, naps etc.

Every single woman has said they were blown away by how restricted THEIR life was.

They had forgotten how intense a new baby is...and the rest of life has to go on.

It's different if they are all young together.

Badgerstmary · 07/05/2021 16:32

I am one of 3, my dh is one of 3 & we have 3. I never quite felt that my family was complete until I had 3 & love seeing the changing dynamics of the children’s relationships as they have got older. My eldest 2 were 8 & 6 when ds3 was born & my dd was not impressed when she found out it was a boy. However, she is extremely close to both DS’s, far closer than ds1 & ds3 are. It has not been particularly difficult to spend time individually with them as when ds1/dd2 were at school ds3 got all the attention & ds3 went to bed far earlier than his siblings. Now they are 21/19 & 12 & ds3 is enjoying his siblings being at uni & being an only child for a bit, & having them back in the holidays. He thinks he has it the best of both worlds. Ds1 felt special being the eldest, dd2 being the only girl & ds3 being the youngest.
If you want 3 just go with it. Would you always regret it if you didn’t...?

BluebellsGreenbells · 07/05/2021 16:33

At 33 you’re heading into twin territory!

You have been warned!

CatherinedeBourgh · 07/05/2021 16:44

I was the 8 yo when my mother had another. I’d say don’t do it.

Original poster
Noideawhatimdoing12 · 07/05/2021 16:44

Thank you to everyone who has given advice.
The reason we have waited until now is because my husband had a vasectomy when dd2 was a toddler as finances limited us to 2 children and it was a sensible decision at the time.

This has changed dramatically in the last 5 years and for over a year we have been thinking it could be possible to extend our family.
But maybe I have left it too late.. it would the very definition of rocking the boat.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 07/05/2021 16:48

OK well vasectomy reversal is only about 50 per cent successful.

So the chance of conceiving are already against you.

You need to find out what the chances of it being possible are before you get your hopes up

FreekStar · 07/05/2021 16:51

Would it change your mind if you knew your 3rd child was going to have a severe disability?

Branleuse · 07/05/2021 16:52

I wouldnt do it. Id get a pet instead. Honestly, 3 kids is harder for loads of things.

3boyshere · 07/05/2021 16:53

I have three children and it is amazing. They are grown up now and two are married aged 31, 28 and 23. The youngest is still at home. The eldest has two children and the middle has a baby on the way. I absolutely love it. They all get on well and are always there for each other. This afternoon they all sat at the kitchen table laughing with each other eating lunch. We always say that the middle one has 'middle child syndrome' but in real terms they don't It was hard work when they were young but would not change it for the world xx

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 07/05/2021 16:57

I have 8 years between each of my first 3 then less than 2 between 3&4

Ds1 and 3 were very close when he was little . Now ds3 is 10 and ds2 is 18 and they get on fantastically, have done for a few years. They do everything together and really enjoy each other's company

Ds4 has asd which has been incredibly hard on everyone. The possibility of a child with disabilities is definitely something to take into consideration .

Branleuse · 07/05/2021 17:01

i think the age gap is such that youll end up having 4 so that the baby doesnt feel left out

WorkWorkAngelica · 07/05/2021 17:07

Difficult to say. I'm pregnant with my 3rd. Before I got pregnant I was quite ambivalent, thought it might be nice one day but was also happy as I was. Then I fell pregnant unexpectedly and have really really struggled. Massive regret and worry for many of the reasons mentioned on this thread - age, parental involvement as they get older, career advancement, freedom, holidays, cars, everything really.

That said, DH is the middle of 3 and perfectly happy to have 3. I'm the middle of 5 and mostly undamaged by it!

cjpark · 07/05/2021 17:09

I wouldn't have 3. My 2 are now teenager and pre teen age. Six more years and they will driving, probably at Uni and DH and I will be late 40's. We plan to go travelling and be financially secure. I like it that DC are of a similar age and are great fun to be around.

PerspicaciousGreen · 07/05/2021 17:15

@Noideawhatimdoing12 This blog post is a really lovely look at the pros of having babies when you have much older children. The slog of doing baby years again would put me off personally, but I wouldn't hesitate to give my children another sibling.

catholicallyear.com/blog/the-beauty-of-w-i-d-e-family/

Ohnomoreno · 07/05/2021 17:16

I have three. I don't recommend it, but I guess I have the opposite problem in that they're all two years apart and it's sucked the life out of me. Bad days are just so, so bad that they don't quite make up for the nice bits. Also depends whether you have family who can help.

SusannahSophia · 07/05/2021 17:20

I had a similar gap with my older siblings. My sister was 9 years older and my brother 7. Growing up, they were more like extra parents than siblings and I felt like I’d missed out on the closeness friends had with their siblings only a couple of years apart. It didn’t stop me having 3 myself, but mine were purposely closer in age.

Whythesadface · 07/05/2021 17:21

Grab something that could break, and your not allowed to put it down.
For 24 hours both of you have to hold this item and take it everywhere with you. Even when doing things for your children.
Also set an alarm for 4.30am and 5.30am for tomorrow. Make yourself get out of bed and got downstairs and come back up, with your object in hand.
Then see how you feel.

cordelia16 · 07/05/2021 17:22

I'm the youngest of 5. My eldest brother is 11 years older than I am. We essentially grew up in different households - by the time I was old enough to interact with him, he had moved out of the house. I also didn't interact much with my brother who's 9 years older for the same reason.

I have three DS (roughly 3.5 yrs between each). The third was an accident. I wouldn't trade him for the world, but some days I wish it could have just been my elder two boys. They were very close, but the arrival of the youngest did affect their relationship. And my middle son developed anxiety - he and the youngest are now extremely close, but for the first few years it was rough going. They have always been 4 school years apart, which is a big difference. At 17 my middle wants to spend all his time with friends, while the 13yo tells me he feels lonely.

Ultimately you have to decide what's best for you and your family. But just keep in mind that your elder daughter won't grow up with the baby, who will be a mere 6 or 7 when she's off to uni.

Good luck with your decision Flowers

Katesblazer · 07/05/2021 17:23

I’ve got three, I’d recommend sticking with two!

Watermelon222 · 07/05/2021 17:23

Op if I were you I would really appreciate what you have and enjoy it.

As they get older they can be even more good fun and you can do more exciting things with them.

I didn’t realise how easy and nice I had it with 2 of the same sex, close in age, who got on well and liked the same things. I thought other people were exaggerating when they said they dreaded the school holidays when I looked forward to them!

Well fast forward to number 3 and I completely see where these people are coming from and by the end of the holidays I’m close to losing the plot...

SunshineCake · 07/05/2021 17:23

I think allowing a child to dictate whether you have a baby is ridiculous. If they have voiced this. Listen to them by all means but make sure they knew this is your decision. This is not the same as not having another baby because your current child needs more X.

I have three. There is 4.3 yrs between the first and last. It is great. Feels like a proper family as in a gang. Two would have felt too few. But that is just me and has no bearing on your life.

STST · 07/05/2021 17:24

Don’t do it. If it is a happy family home now, which it totally sounds like it is; why would you want to ‘change’ it (for better or worse)?

The dynamics of 3 is tricky, particularly with a large age gap. The youngest essentially is an only child, with two quasi parent/siblings. Their relationships are just not the same when the gap is big as they are at totally different life stages all the time, the little one just about makes it into one stage as the older two move out of it.

Just as you and your dh start to get your together life back in 6/7/8 years time say (16 year olds very independent!), you will still be doing primary school runs. You will still have a 'child' in 18 years time, when your oldest will be 28. It is a hell of a long haul, and there is no guarantee that another child will add to the happiness.

Holidays are tricky; what appeals to a 6 year old does not appeal to a 16 year old, so everyone has to make a lot of compromises. All the time.

In my friendship group, all of those with three utterly adore their youngest, but all of us admit that if we had our time again we would have stopped at two; we all feel like we are spread too thin, and for too long.

KaleSlayer · 07/05/2021 17:32

I really wouldn’t have another in your position. Your 11 year old will change so much in the next few years, and your second child won’t be far behind. I think having teens and a toddler would be really hard.
But it’s such a personal decision. I really don’t think any of us can really advise.

Maddox33 · 07/05/2021 17:36

I'd have another child in a heartbeat. You will never regret another child, but you may well regret not adding to your family. I'm one of four and a mother of four - the fourth child wasn't planned but was very much wanted.

However, your husband's vasectomy reversal may not be successful, I've known a few men who have failed to father any more children after a reversal procedure.

mowglika · 07/05/2021 17:39

Stop overthinking and realise you have no (or little) control over how your kids will be together and how it will affect them. As long as you are stable and have a happy living home to offer a third, you and OH are both on board go for it.