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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To potentially ruin a lovely life with a 3rd child!!

261 replies

Noideawhatimdoing12 · 07/05/2021 12:31

I need wise advice mumsnetters and I'm secretly hoping you tell me exactly what choice to make (although I know it that's not how it works unfortunately).

So I have 2 lovely dd 11 and 8 and they are the best of friends (99% of the time). But me and dh love the idea of a 3rd child.

I'm 33 and he is 40, we come from small families. Dh is an only child and I have one sister who is my best friend but she doesn't have or want any children. I've loved being a parent and having a family and I saw a big busy family as I got older. So...

Are the age gaps to big?

I'm so worried that my dd11, who loves the idea of a big family will love a baby, but my dd8 will not cope with her big sister choosing a baby over her and feel rejected (she's more sensitive and a bit needy and hates the idea of another sibling).
She will be the poor middle child. Is this a silly reason?

Is it selfish to have a 3rd for it to spend most its childhood an only child when the other two have gone off into the world?

What if I ruin such a lovely comfortable life? For all of us.

But....
What if its lovely, and busy, and everyone gets on, and it makes my dd8 confident and capable.

I'm driving myself crazy...
Anyone any words of wisdom or experiences of 3rd babies with age gaps or regrets?

OP posts:
EnglishRain · 07/05/2021 17:42

Only you can say really. Personally I wouldn't want a third with an age gap that size. I'll probably only have a second if that, and preferably a gap of four years or a bit less. I don't think I'd want to stretch baby years out more than that though.

TheQuaffle · 07/05/2021 17:42

You will never regret another baby, it will always overall be a positive addition. You have raised two kids who love each other, and that comes more from the environment not the kids themselves, why would it be different with a third? Your younger daughter will love the baby once it’s here and if you can afford it go for it! Yes you will have teens and a little tot at the same time but so what? The baby will have two lovely older sisters to rely on through their life. Do what makes your heart happy.

nixonten · 07/05/2021 17:50

I was surprised to discover that when my 2 became 12 and older they needed more attention not less.
I was happy to give them the time. They could have 'managed' with less but because of our situation they did not have to.
Do think about them when you think about the third one being 2 and 3.

ciaobella88 · 07/05/2021 17:51

" you will never regret another baby"

Stupid comment. Go read some other threads. Plenty of babies are regretted

Chunkymenrock · 07/05/2021 17:52

Shock Pps saying you'll never regret having another child have obviously never read the many posts from people who have. It definitely can change everything and many people DO regret doing it.

UserAtRandom · 07/05/2021 17:53

I wish people would stop posting the "you'll never regret another baby" advice. I'm sure OP would not regret the baby itself, but she might well regret the impact it has on her and her family's life.
And as for saying the existing children will love the baby when it arrives - some siblings don't adjust to another child. It's by no means a given.

SayersScripts · 07/05/2021 17:57

I want a good few kids because it's unlikely they'll ever have cousins and when I'm old I want them to have each other. For example if I'm sick in my old age for a long time I want my kids to have support looking after me or DH. I also want my grandchildren to have cousins even if one/two of my kids doesn't want kids- that might be overthinking it too! Obviously those aren't the only reasons but the past year of uncertainty has made me feel that having more people who are bonded to you is rarely a bad thing.
It'll probably be harder for you if you have another and there might be bumps in the road for your kids but in all likelihood they will love each other, and you rarely regret the existence of someone you love.

JenniferWeCantGoWrong · 07/05/2021 17:58

I am that youngest one with a big gap and it's been negative for me.

Parents much older, never had shared experiences with my brothers, they left home and I was effectively an older child but I'm not. I have very little relationship with them now. I felt lonely and left out, suspect I irritated them.

I didn't have three because I couldn't afford it. Now I'm deep in university fees I'm so glad - no idea how people afford three if they all want to study!

TheGoogleMum · 07/05/2021 17:58

It wouldn't be for me in your situation but really only you can decide

cheeseismydownfall · 07/05/2021 18:09

I would (gently) discount the advice of those who have neither been the child in this scenario, or who only have young children.

As several PPs have said, you can't assume that children will need less of your time, attention and resources as they get older. It is just as likely that the reverse will be true. I found having three young children quite straightforward - it was full-on and I was frequently knackered but they were a single unit, a pack, and it was easy to keep everyone happy.

Now they are older and developing as individuals it is much, much harder to achieve this. Its not that they don't get on - on the whole we are lucky and they have great relationships with each other - but they are all so different and have such different needs. I feel I am spread much more thinly now than I ever was when they were little and I can see how that is only going to increase as they get older.

The notion of 'regretting' having a third is irrelevant and unhelpful. I don't regret any of my children but I am realistic about how much easier life would be with two, and that this realisation doesn't really hit home until they are older, IMO.

traumatisednoodle · 07/05/2021 18:11

OP I really don't think there is a right answer to this. I am one of 3 with similar age gaps (I am the eldest). At the time I was quite unimpressed with my DM having another baby. I stopped at 2, however I have days when I wish I'd gone for it. As an adult I think having a baby in the house was good for me as a teenager. I was an ace babysitter and am now a peadiatrician !!

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 07/05/2021 18:12

I would (gently) discount the advice of those who have neither been the child in this scenario, or who only have young children.

Completely discount them. They have no experience.

Listen to those who did it.

Cliff1975 · 07/05/2021 18:13

I have three, DS1 is 18 DS2 is 15 and DD1 is 12. I am an only child and so is my husband. Go for it, yes it is hard work, yes it changes things but I woulddnt change it for the world. Middle child syndrome is def a thing but really they get the best deal a close relationshiip with the older and younger one.

MingeOnFire · 07/05/2021 18:13

It could make life more wonderful or equally more difficult

@Noideawhatimdoing12

I have 3 but with a much bigger age gap between DC2 and DC3. I would say that DC3 has made things both more difficult and more wonderful at the same time!

traumatisednoodle · 07/05/2021 18:14

I am 45 if that makes any difference.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 07/05/2021 18:19

I wouldn’t with those ages. They will have nothing in common, they will be restricted as toddlers and young children will have very different activities than them. They will have less peace as they hit exam years. Less parental time, money etc.

If two doesn’t feel enough, why would three be the magic number is what I’d ask myself. Would it go to four or more.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 07/05/2021 18:39

The world is already overpopulated. Life this last year with covid has been extremely hard and climate change will make things far far worse.

I wish people would factor in this to their decisions.

You seem to be doing it because having children gives you purpose. What happens when that child grows up?

Plus the vasectomy.

I know I'm being blunt here.

I also don't think it's fair on your existing kids.

GettingUntrapped · 07/05/2021 18:55

I'd say don't do it. It's very chancy for the future with regards to you and your 'personal space's as you'd be going back to not being able to do much for yourself. The siblings may or may not be affected positively or negatively. Who knows?
Your relationship with your husband too. It could go in many directions, but the thing that would put me off is the very fact that bringing up a baby human is very hard. Taking on responsibility for a whole other person and all that draws to you.
Ha ha, I'm a mother of two (single) and feel like I've had more than enough of the shackles of parenthood.
It's a biological urge, sure, I gave in to that with my second son. Almost five year age gap. It's not his fault, but I would certainly thrive more as a person in my own right if I had just one. The extra responsibility means you come second in your own life for longer. Sure, you might get the lovely bonding hormones until they are around 2-3, but that wears off.
Sorry, I know this was about going from 2 to 3, not 1 to 2 children.
I dunno, maybe some women still manage to feel they have a life despite having dependent children. Personally, I didn't have the money to do that.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 07/05/2021 18:57

I'm reminded of something I was told by a friend who had an unplanned third child when her elder two were 11 and 9: "The worst stage was when I had a toddler and a teenager at the same time". Could you cope with that, OP?

Feelingbad2 · 07/05/2021 19:00

We had our 3rd when our older two were 9 and 10. School holidays are difficult trying to entertain everybody. Hotel rooms you generally need 2 once the baby is too old for a cot, you need a bigger car... but I wouldn’t change it for the world ❤️

Dailywalk · 07/05/2021 19:01

My two were 6 and 9 when we had a third. Wouldn’t change a thing. Middle and youngest get on better than oldest and middle so a bigger gap seems to irrelevant to me.
Makes holidays more difficult though.

threeteenstaximum · 07/05/2021 19:02

Do you want another baby? That's what should be your focus. My older two were 5 and 4 when DD3 was born. It was an easy decision as I didn't feel done and the world didn't seem right until DD3 was born.

If you feel done and happy with two then that's fab. It'll be much easier with middle one being 8!

If you feel you need to have another baby then go forward it. 3 is not easy as you need a bigger car etc, but I had 3 with two at home and in child car seats at the time.

None of that mattered as i was driven and couldn't stop until DD3 arrived . She was the best decision I ever made, as all of us love her.

gottakeeponmovin · 07/05/2021 19:11

Personally I think the gap is too big and having experienced exactly this the third child was the odd one out - but you do what you think is right

spicysechuan · 07/05/2021 19:16

You are in the same boat my parents were in. They went for it.

I remember my mum being pregnant, the day my DS was born, so much of her childhood. We are now in our 30's and 40's and are very close. When we were considering #3 my DP told us what a joy it was. I can confirm that but I had my kids all close together, so the age gap wasn't a thing.

It might be harder than you think to reverse the vasectomy though. I would talk to your doctor about that.

caringcarer · 07/05/2021 19:17

I had an 8 year gap between my 2 boys. When they were younger it was hard work driving around to both lots of activities and occupying the other who was waiting. As they got older it was much easier. Now they are adults and get on do well together. They go to the cinema together once a week and eat out or go to pub pre Covid. They both have their own set of Friends who they go out with independently but they are often in one bedroom watching a movie together. My eldest son is in process of buying his own house but I bet you get son will be over there a lot. It gives me great comfort that when I die they will have each other. Like you my sisters are my best friend's and I would hate to leave them complete alone.