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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To potentially ruin a lovely life with a 3rd child!!

261 replies

Noideawhatimdoing12 · 07/05/2021 12:31

I need wise advice mumsnetters and I'm secretly hoping you tell me exactly what choice to make (although I know it that's not how it works unfortunately).

So I have 2 lovely dd 11 and 8 and they are the best of friends (99% of the time). But me and dh love the idea of a 3rd child.

I'm 33 and he is 40, we come from small families. Dh is an only child and I have one sister who is my best friend but she doesn't have or want any children. I've loved being a parent and having a family and I saw a big busy family as I got older. So...

Are the age gaps to big?

I'm so worried that my dd11, who loves the idea of a big family will love a baby, but my dd8 will not cope with her big sister choosing a baby over her and feel rejected (she's more sensitive and a bit needy and hates the idea of another sibling).
She will be the poor middle child. Is this a silly reason?

Is it selfish to have a 3rd for it to spend most its childhood an only child when the other two have gone off into the world?

What if I ruin such a lovely comfortable life? For all of us.

But....
What if its lovely, and busy, and everyone gets on, and it makes my dd8 confident and capable.

I'm driving myself crazy...
Anyone any words of wisdom or experiences of 3rd babies with age gaps or regrets?

OP posts:
OutComeTheWolves · 07/05/2021 13:09

I was in a similar situation to you. I found the decision whether or not to have a third the hardest decision I've ever made. I would swing from being terrified that it may have actually worked gutted when my period came.

I think because two is seen as the norm, any after that is a bigger decision and if you already have a nice balance to your life, there's a chance it could either make things even better or a lot worse. That and I was terrified of it being twins!

changeruset2748 · 07/05/2021 13:09

My kids are the same age, we aren't going for the 3rd. My children would lose more than they would gain; less time with us, less financial support overall, a step back trying to accommodate a family with such different age gaps. As they already have a sibling, I really don't believe the additional sibling will outweigh what they will lose. So as much as I think it might be nice, I won't do it to my children.

Plus, I am absolutely terrified of having a child with additional needs that would require more care, that would be even harder for my children and me, whilst I'm too only 33 it feels like such a throw of the dice.

2bazookas · 07/05/2021 13:10

Our children were all very close in age. What we learned from the jump from 2 to 3, was, that a parent can embrace / hold two children on one lap at the same time; and with a bit of practice, hold 2 conversations at once.

Not 3.

Your older children have very different interests and activities and needs from a newborn, or a toddler, or a 5 yr old.

Dishwashersaurous · 07/05/2021 13:11

and also I get missing the baby stage and when they physically need you. Yours have outgrown that stage so if you enjoyed it then its inevitable that you would want to do it again

OhToBeASeahorse · 07/05/2021 13:11

I'm like u - I overthink EVERYTHING. Its exhausting.

What if you left it to fate? Stop contraception and see where you go?

I would rather poke my own eyes out with hot pokers than give backwards, I have 2 small children and cant wait for a bit more freedom. But that's me.

Schmetterling1 · 07/05/2021 13:11

I guess what summed it up for me when we decided to stop was - do my kids need another sibling more or my time, energy, attention, money for nice holidays and uni, me healthy etc. It was just so crashingly obvious that they needed me and all the things I could offer more of without a baby/another child in the mix way more than they needed another sibling that they might not even get on with.

mistermagpie · 07/05/2021 13:12

I have three but the eldest was 4 when the youngest was born so they are all pretty close in age.

Three was my dream and I absolutely love it. My third baby has been a dream and I consider myself very very lucky.

However, if I was in your shoes there is no way in hell I would have a third child. My second was still in nappies and a pram and all that when the third was born, we were right in the thick of the baby/toddler/small child madness and an extra baby honestly made no real difference to the chaos. We also had ALL the baby stuff and were totally used to the sleepless nights etc.

It would be a real step back for you I think, and in your shoes I don't think I could go back to the baby years again.

Funnily enough my SIL and BIL have had your exact dilemma - currently have a ten year old and 8 year old and were debating another baby when we had our third. They pretty quickly decided that they would stick with two after seeing and remembering what a newborn involves. And, as I say, she is an easy baby.

PermanentTemporary · 07/05/2021 13:13

I'm not the person to ask because I'm in the middle of a huge row between myself, my brother and my sister. I'm the youngest of three with a fair gap (not quite as big as yours), I had a completely different childhood from them, I was always trying ineffectively to be the peacemaker at the time and now I'm being accused of all sorts. Right now I'm extremely glad that I have an only child myself.

But I know lots of people are happy to have 3. Just - what else would you do? If you don't have a third, what new thing could life bring to you, what goal could you set instead? I'd say go forward rather than back. If you want to nurture a child, something like being an Independent Visitor to a looked-after child might satisfy that urge. Or do something that has nothing to do with childrearing.

toocoldforsno · 07/05/2021 13:13

In your position I would have 2 more. That's what I did anyway! I have 2 who are now 19 and 17, a big gap and then 2 who are now 6 and 8. It's been wonderful and they are all very happy children. Wouldn't have changed a thing.

TopTabby · 07/05/2021 13:15

You sound lovely but there's no doubt your 8 year old will have some issues with this.
She's already sensitive & you're going to be busy with a new baby, you realistically won't have the time for her like you do now.
Also it will be impossible to enjoy the lovely things that your girls are ready for now.
There's a lot to be said for just enjoying what you have.

mistermagpie · 07/05/2021 13:16

Another thing my SIL and BIL realised, they would end up with a young teen and a toddler at the same time. Both demanding but incredibly different ages, and they decided to prioritise the children they already had who would be be needing them during that time.

Quartz2208 · 07/05/2021 13:16

I love being a mother and I never liked going to work or ever found 'my thing' so I wouldn't miss my independence in that way. It forced me to be more sociable and I'm happier for it.

This stood out to me OP and I am not sure it is a good reason to have another child. You cannot have this as "your thing" because they are independent people in their own right. Dont have a baby to be a band aid because something is missing. How about working with children - something that can give you joy and a career

Plus I have an 12 and 8 year old - the 12 year old is at High School and she needs me actually far more than she has since she was little. It is a difficult age to navigate.

Your 8 Year old DD is already I think showing signs that a baby isnt right for her either - and I think you know that. She needs help getting more confident.

Your children still need you OP and I think you need to find something for yourself

toocoldforsno · 07/05/2021 13:17

You sound lovely but there's no doubt your 8 year old will have some issues with this

Of course there is doubt, it could just as easily be the best thing ever for the 8 year old! And no, it will not be impossible to enjoy things with the older children, that is so negative and not accurate.

mummumumumumumumumumum · 07/05/2021 13:18

I was that child. I have brothers that are 9 and 11 years older than me. As far as I am concerned I had the best of both worlds. I have big brothers that I got on with (the oldest more than the middle one but now its the other way round) and a lot of the time I was an only child. I was happy with my childhood

lastqueenofscotland · 07/05/2021 13:18

If it would make one of your existing children feel abandoned or rejected I wouldn’t.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/05/2021 13:21

We went for a third. It ruined our family. We should have quit whilst we were ahead.

TheVolturi · 07/05/2021 13:21

Mine are 4, (just), 7+8.
8 year old has asd. There are days I think 3 is too many and 2 is easier. 3rd child was not planned (was a total shock actually) but I wouldn't change them.
Yours are at an age where they are more independent and your life will start getting back to normal soon. Do you really want to go back to the baby stages? Ask yourself if you are just missing your dc being tiny.
Saying that it will be easier for you to have another baby now that your dc are older.
Good luck whatever you decide!

Popcornbetty · 07/05/2021 13:22

As much as I’d love a third child in theory I know in real life it would be a huge mistake. I have found it a struggle with 2 and I’m in the thick of it atm with mine being so young (youngest only 1). This is the first time I don’t feel broody when I see new babies and think gosh I’m pleased i don’t have another one! I really don’t envy pregnant women either as had a difficult second pregnancy. I would say enter with extreme caution as I think it is easy to forget how difficult those early years can be and there is risk and uncertainty on how the dynamics will be. You have a lot of your life back and to go back to nappies, sleep deprivation, toddler phase etc could be a huge culture shock and lifestyle change. It would have to be what you really want. You can’t guarantee what kind of child you’ll get either and so much risk and possibly disturbance to your household. Sorry I’m not positive op but the very thought of a 3rd for me fills me with horror as much as worship the ground my 2 walk on!

Mrsdarwin · 07/05/2021 13:24

@osbertthesyrianhamster can you expand in what ways? We are considering a third so any insight would be gratefully received x

KatGrl · 07/05/2021 13:28

I have 3 kids and it's hard work, but it's a close age gap and they are all kind of in the same stage of life if that makes sense. They are 3 best little friend who play together all the time (and fight too of course lol). I wouldn't recommend having a 3rd with a big age gap like that but that's just my opinion. You will have a divided family and priorities and I think it would make your life difficult.

DifferentHair · 07/05/2021 13:29

Oh gosh I think you should just go for it. I loved being part of a larger family and having younger siblings growing up.

I also love being an adult with multiple siblings. I like all the faces around the table and seeing all the love and support they give my children.

I suppose if I'd been one of two children we would have had more material things, more one on one attention. But that just seems so small compared to what I gained from having more siblings.

If you both want a baby and you can give it a loving home, then that's as good a reason as anyone has ever had to have a baby.

Also, I don't want to de-rail your thread but I can't stand ableist comments like 'what if the child has special needs.' It's not the end of the world for a child to have additional needs and it certainly isn't a reason why they shouldnt exist at all.

Puntastic · 07/05/2021 13:31

I think it's fine as older kids don't need as much care/help.

I think this is wrong actually. I've a friend whose kids are grown and she said that her kids needed her far more as teens than as younger kids. She thinks lots of people underestimate how demanding it can be to parent teens well.

Original poster
Noideawhatimdoing12 · 07/05/2021 13:31

It seems that the 5050 split in my indecisive mind is about the same as the split opinions on here. You have all said exactly my fears and hopes. It could make life more wonderful or equally more difficult 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 07/05/2021 13:33

I am a similar age to you. Similar age eldest and youngest is a toddler. Decided not to have a 3rd because realistically we won't be able to give our existing 2 everything we want to, if we had another. Financially we'd manage and live a comfortable life but without some of the extras I want to be able to provide my kids with.

That includes all the usual ski trips, learning to drive, first car etc... and supporting through Uni, seizable deposits for first house, something towards potential weddings and being able to assist with childcare when the time eventually comes for DGC!! Yes I know this is all wayyy in the future. But giving my two the best life I can trumps my broodiness for a 3rd.

It's a big decision. Only you can make. Do you really want to go back to those baby days now that you're getting some freedom? It's hard!

DinosaurDiana · 07/05/2021 13:35

The one thing I would say about having a third is that, with holidays, you end up paying for a place for six people when there’s only 5.