To potentially ruin a lovely life with a 3rd child!!

[Noideawhatimdoing12]

I need wise advice mumsnetters and I'm secretly hoping you tell me exactly what choice to make (although I know it that's not how it works unfortunately).

So I have 2 lovely dd 11 and 8 and they are the best of friends (99% of the time). But me and dh love the idea of a 3rd child.

I'm 33 and he is 40, we come from small families. Dh is an only child and I have one sister who is my best friend but she doesn't have or want any children. I've loved being a parent and having a family and I saw a big busy family as I got older. So...

Are the age gaps to big?

I'm so worried that my dd11, who loves the idea of a big family will love a baby, but my dd8 will not cope with her big sister choosing a baby over her and feel rejected (she's more sensitive and a bit needy and hates the idea of another sibling).
She will be the poor middle child. Is this a silly reason?

Is it selfish to have a 3rd for it to spend most its childhood an only child when the other two have gone off into the world?

What if I ruin such a lovely comfortable life? For all of us.

But....
What if its lovely, and busy, and everyone gets on, and it makes my dd8 confident and capable.

I'm driving myself crazy...
Anyone any words of wisdom or experiences of 3rd babies with age gaps or regrets?

Do you want to be finished with the school run at 43 or 52?

Do you want to wait until your DH is 60, to get your freedoms back?

Are you happy to be juggling night feeds and dirty nappies with stroppy teenagers?

Are you prepared for the impact to your family, if the baby is born with any birth defects?

Do you think you could financially support 3 children through Uni?

I wouldn't go back to the drawing board at this point, but I know many who do.

My DH and I were aged 43 and 46 when our youngest went off to Uni. It starts a new chapter of your life, new travel opportunities etc. Not sure I'd want to be 60 (like your DH would be)

We have gaps so i had my dc in ‘pairs’ it’s worked really well

I was happily one of 3 for most of my childhood (there are actually 4 but a massive gap to the last one) and the DSM of 3 (mostly) happy siblings but...

...we have friends whose 3rd 'child' was triplets.

The risk of multiple births increases with age. I'm not sure I'd roll the dice.

I am going to come at this from 2 angles for you, one that lots of holidays etc are geared toward 2 adults and 2 children. Premier Inn shouldn't let you have 5 in a room, as dino mentioned you end up paying for a 6 person place as most do 4 but you wouldn't be a 4. You could also end up with twins so your 3rd would be your 3rd and 4th.

I don't know if you or your Dh went to uni so are possibly aware but around 50% of 18 year olds do go to uni, have you worked out your "parental contribution" costs? Ds1 is due to go in September, as we are over the £63k means tested family income we are expected to pay £5066 per year for Ds1 to support his living costs. His loan amount he can borrow is reduced assuming we will make up the shortfall.

We have a 3 year age gap between Ds1 and Ds2. That means we are looking at 6 years of paying that. £30k+. Luckily we knew about it and have a pot of savings to cover them both for 4 years each. The "ready reckoner" section is laid out here on MoneySavingExpert so you can see what you would be expected to contribute. Ds1's accommodation for his first year is £6k. Just a room.

I am one of 3 but all close in age. No gap in the car between seats for that inevitable fall out of siblings

@Sprig1

Don't do it. You have a great set up now. A new baby will mean compromise for everyone. Back to baby friendly activities, rather than more grown up things that you can do together. Be grateful for what you have, it sounds like a good dynamic.

This is my scenario too. And while I adored my baby sister I would not have chosen that. Just as our lives started to get interesting - we could have adventurous holidays, have some freedom etc we were back to the baby stage. I resented that a lot and my younger sibling had a lot of trouble with middle child syndrome - their place as the baby bumped, and then mum very occupied with the new baby when they (middle) needed more attention themselves.

You are very much overthinking this. Your perfect family situation now, will not be ruined,if you have the desire for having another baby. Its a foolish way to view things. You will just go forward,as a three child family,and everything should fall into place. Your two other children will learn to adapt, however much you think that they might not.

If you have all the facilities to have another child,as in room,money,and time etc then everything should be fine.

If you wanted a big family was there a reason why you've waited 8 years for nr 3?

Personally 8 years is too big a gap for me as with trying and pregnancy it will be a gap of 10 years before the baby arrives.

I know a few families with this age gap and honestly it's like they are 2 separate families and I have to say a lot of people assume that the siblings have different fathers - not that that's a reason no to have have one of course. But a 13 year old isnt going to want to do what a 3 year old does and parenting will have to be split between taking a couple of teenagers out somewhere and the other parent taking a toddler somewhere appropriate.

There is 4 years between my DD and my 3 month old twins and that is already noticeable

I don't think I've posted this here... the reason we didn't go on to have a second child was that I wasn't sure we would survive as a family if we did. My husband was chronically ill and has since died. It wasn't that we hated children, or that we think disabled children don't deserve a life, or that we were deeply selfish or incapable of coping with the newborn phase, it was that broken sleep caring for even a very straightforward baby made my husband so ill he couldn't really function at all. There's no doubt that I would have liked 2 in general and that my son was born to be a big brother. Not having a sibling is a theoretical loss to him. But then losing his dad at an even earlier age, or us splitting up, would also have been theoretical losses, and not as theoretical as all that. It's no longer a regret to me. Though I know apparently that it is really common for women to have one less child than they wanted.

If you think you have a lovely life now, think about how that could change if you happened to have a third child who had additional needs. My youngest has additional needs, no family history or complications in pregnancy or birth nor anything, that would have made us think that it was a possibility.

But it has changed everything for us, our whole family dynamic, the time that we have free, our current, our future, the impact on our eldest, how we fit into friendship groups, how we are seen by others.

Of course there are positives and we love our youngest to bits, and can’t imagine life without him. But there isn’t anything about our lives that it hasn’t impacted on.

Please just think about it.

What I would be aware of is that essentially for the key years the 3rd child would be an only child, she wouldn’t have siblings near her/his age to ply with.

When the child is say 6, your oldest would be 18 and the other 15. If you are happy to parent that way then go for it.

I really disagree about the only child comment. I never found this, we became a happy family of five, not two different families.

Another vote for don’t do it! You have a lovely life now and life will go backwards massively. My mum had a new baby when I was 12, and as much as I loved him, I definitely didn’t get the help or support that I needed in my teenage years. He was also a nightmare ... and remains so 30 years later

I would urge caution. Your youngest sounds like she already has low self-esteem and confidence. Having another sibling may cause her behaviour to worsen as she is desperate for attention. She’ll not only be competing against her older sister going through all the “firsts” but also the cute little sibling. The age gap is also quite big. Your DDs will always be closer to each other than their younger sibling who is 10+ years younger than them.

Middle child syndrome is a real thing.

www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/style/10-tips-for-parenting-middle-children/

I know I categorically do not want another child, nothing would currently change my mind. You are obviously way more inclined to have more children than me, you can list positives, your dh is on board so I'd say you probably won't regret it, and go for it.

I can't comment on sibling dynamics as I have an only.

You can totally forget the notion that having an only child is selfish.

If you do go ahead with your third DC and its siblings are grownup for much of its childhood and so it is similar to an only, that is in no way selfishness of the parent.

A large proportion of children are an only child. It is totally normal and they are no more screwed up than children with siblings - all children have problems and these are generally not related to being an only child. There are even advantages and benefits of no other DC to fight for attention/food/money/privileges/space with.

If you can put that notion aside and forget about it, then you can focus on the other sibling dynamics and your own life with a 3rd child in your decision-making.

But fundamentally, you can't predict what kind of DC you will have so you don't know how it will go. The same as when you had your first child. It is all wide-open, no guarantees, you just have to take what you get. You won't necessarily get a DC like the 2 you already have.
I know someone who went for a 3rd and ended up with a 3rd and a 4th (twins) - so then you wouldn't even have to worry about the 3rd being an only child eventually! Would you be prepared for 2 more?

I have five. The older three were born close together but we’re 6, 7 and 8 when I had my toddler and 8, 9 and 10 when I had my baby so there’s a 10 year gap between eldest and youngest. All get on absolutely fine most of the time, the older ones dote on the younger ones and have honestly never had an issue with them at all.

If you wanted a big family was there a reason why you've waited 8 years for nr 3?

I wondered this too - was it specific circumstances that have changed, e.g. financial, or did you not have the desire for a third when the older two were younger? If it's only emerged since they've got bigger then I'd be quite wary as a) you might be being a bit rose-tinted about the baby/toddler stage - if more didn't seem appealing when you were in the thick of it then it suggests it was harder work than you might remember now! b) it might be more about your sense of loss and diminishing purpose as they age, which is understandable but a baby doesn't solve that problem, it just pushes it down the line. I'd guess that part of the reason that you never found 'your thing' is that you started having children at 22 - the more of your adult life you spend with little children the more acute that problem is going to get when they've all grown up, and that day will still come.

I wouldn't wreck a settled life for a third child, absolutely not. The hassle and cost and environmental impact are huge factors. Two really is plenty.

Do you want one? or is it just being broody
Can you afford it? Or will number 3 mean you are relying on government help to live
Have you got a pension /savings is your future secure
Can you do all the caring yourself or do you need support from parents (they are going to be older & more tired this time round & might be enjoying their free time)
Are you going to be supporting your parents in the next 10 yrs?
Personally I've had my two & have realised my pension is shit & have passed on child 3 in order to try to set up my future. It would be nice to spend time having fun with my husband

I wonder if an alternative would be to foster? opt to only have younger children and then if there’s one that you connect with you go for adoption?

When my third child was born I had one ds of 18 and another ds of 16. We loved having dd and ds1 was like a second parent to her but ds2 was always slightly jealous of her and he left home at 19 so didn’t live with her after that time. Ds1 went off to uni when he was 18 and would come home during holidays. He finally moved out to his own home at 24.

Ds 1 would take his sister out regularly - usually to the cinema to see films I didn’t want to and was happy to look after her. Ds2 used to work mainly in the evenings often until late in the night so wasn’t around as much.

My sons are now 47 and 45 both unmarried and with no children but dd lives near by and has a child. I would say that if you really want to have a third child do as the amount of love you have for your children is not divided by 2 or 3 but multiplied.

Whats changed in the last eight years to make you want another? Is it that you always wanted three but couldn't afford it but financially now things are different.

Or is it only recently that you are thinking about the third, because you miss the baby stage?

Do it!
I have 3 girls and it’s brilliant. You will regret not. And your 8 year old just has to deal tbh! If she’s the type to get worked up about another baby, then another baby could
be just what she needs!
Re: going back to baby friendly activities etc - it doesn’t work like that. Your older two do stuff with one parent and the little one does stuff with another. And also - there’s
no guarantee as they get older that the older two will enjoy the same things anyway so the family might be split anyway.
Definitely go for it!

Is it selfish to have a 3rd for it to spend most its childhood an only child when the other two have gone off into the world?

I'm the youngest of 3, big age gap of 8 and 14 years between me and my siblings. Growing up I felt a bit like an only child tbh. My parents were a bit older than you and your partner and I don't think they had much energy left for child like things or days out anymore. My relationship with my siblings is pretty none existent now, we're not close and can go months without speaking. Personally I wouldn't want a big age gap because of my experience, but I'm sure some people have had positive ones.

@Peanutbuttercupisyum

Do it! I have 3 girls and it’s brilliant. You will regret not. And your 8 year old just has to deal tbh! If she’s the type to get worked up about another baby, then another baby could be just what she needs! Re: going back to baby friendly activities etc - it doesn’t work like that. Your older two do stuff with one parent and the little one does stuff with another. And also - there’s no guarantee as they get older that the older two will enjoy the same things anyway so the family might be split anyway. Definitely go for it!

How old are your DDs? You can’t really judge this until your older DDs are adults and the youngest is still in primary school. Also, did you not read that OP’s youngest has low self-esteem as it is? Her behaviour and confidence may plummet when she has to compete against her older DD going through all the “firsts” and the cute younger sibling getting all the attention.