To potentially ruin a lovely life with a 3rd child!!

[Noideawhatimdoing12]

I need wise advice mumsnetters and I'm secretly hoping you tell me exactly what choice to make (although I know it that's not how it works unfortunately).

So I have 2 lovely dd 11 and 8 and they are the best of friends (99% of the time). But me and dh love the idea of a 3rd child.

I'm 33 and he is 40, we come from small families. Dh is an only child and I have one sister who is my best friend but she doesn't have or want any children. I've loved being a parent and having a family and I saw a big busy family as I got older. So...

Are the age gaps to big?

I'm so worried that my dd11, who loves the idea of a big family will love a baby, but my dd8 will not cope with her big sister choosing a baby over her and feel rejected (she's more sensitive and a bit needy and hates the idea of another sibling).
She will be the poor middle child. Is this a silly reason?

Is it selfish to have a 3rd for it to spend most its childhood an only child when the other two have gone off into the world?

What if I ruin such a lovely comfortable life? For all of us.

But....
What if its lovely, and busy, and everyone gets on, and it makes my dd8 confident and capable.

I'm driving myself crazy...
Anyone any words of wisdom or experiences of 3rd babies with age gaps or regrets?

What about doing something in childcare though OP finding yourself a career that you love?

@DifferentHair I noticed you talked about being part of a larger family. Interested if you went on to have a larger family yourself? I say this because my cousin who was 1 of 4 always said similar to you and how she wanted at least 3 herself because she had enjoyed her childhood. She had the first baby and was absolutely blown away at how hard it was and told my Aunty she didn’t know how she did it! She had a completely different perspective being the parent rather than the daughter/sibling. She found it so tough she decided if she had two she would have a small age gap as to get it out the way at once. She ended up stopping at one so it really can change for some people I suppose.

I was that 3rd child with the large age gap. I've never felt like an only child tbh and when my db and dsis left home I often went to stay with them. By the time they had dc I was old enough to babysit etc. The dynamic was similar and my sister who is the oldest took on a caring roll whereas I fought more with my brother as a more typical brother/sister relationship. If anything now I'm closer to him though. It sounds like you might regret it if you don't go for it.

Entirely up to you op. I don’t think the age gap should matter, although you will find yourself juggling things in a few years when the baby starts school and activities if your older ones have activities too. As for the 8yo I would not solely base my decision on what they would or wouldn’t like, they are the child you are the adult, you make the decisions not them and they suck it up if they don’t like it. She needs to understand life is not just about her. I’m a middle child, it’s not as bad as it’s made out to be. I have 3 DCs, my middle one loves being the middle child as we make sure she feels special in that position, she has the benefit of being both a little and a big sister.

For context,p and age closeness, although completely different times, my mother is the oldest of 9 children, she is closest to her youngest brother, 12 years younger. My Dad was one of the youngest in his family, almost a 17 year age gap between him and the oldest and a further 5 between him and his younger twin siblings. My dad and all his siblings were all close regardless of age difference. They obviously all went out into the world at different times but it never stopped them being siblings and supporting each other when needed. Age shouldn’t matter, it’s how you behave as a family that’s important.

I have a dd who is 5 and ds who is 4 in July and am expecting my 3rd, a dd this year. I do worry that ds might feel a bit left out as the kids get older but for the beginning part he won't know any different as his older sister will choose to play with him over looking at a baby I think. I can't predict the future, neither can you so if you want a baby I would go for it. You are still young at 33. The only thing I would day is that you are well past the baby stage and would you really want to get back to it and the loss of freedom? My ds started sleeping through aged 2 and it took my dh a long time to convince me to try for another. If I had a larger age gap I would have stopped at 2.

I know a few families that had a 3rd with similar age gaps but in all but one #3 was an accidental bonus baby.

The family that planned #3 had even older girls than yours -13 and 15. Those girls love their little sister to pieces and they get on well (she is 9 now and they are 20s) but in many ways she is more like a niece - the older two are a unit with so much more shared history, and they were going into exams and things when baby 3 was just a toddler. But they function very well as a sibling set. The bigger problem was with the parents - the mother planned to raise this baby without nannies (she was a busy professional with #1 and 2) and the father was meant to take early retirement when #3 was about 18 months and be a full time stay at home Dad. But they were both so much older they found the baby stage exhausting the second time around. They both ended up in full time work again. Not saying they are unhappy with their choices, but just that their idyllic dreams didn't pan out. Now you are 33 and they were much older but your DH is 40 which is something to consider.

One of the other families I know is my cousin. Two girls aged 11 and 9 and one accidental baby (now about a year old). To be honest the girls really struggled - the focus on the baby not just form their parents but from the wider family and community was difficult to accept. The 9 year old was more sensitive and we thought she would struggle more but actually the 11 year old did because she was changing schools and I think she needed a lot more security and support at home but instead there were changes everywhere in her life.

Fortunately all the families I know have had happy and healthy third children and on the whole their older kids have adjusted. But really go through all the possibilities - including twins, a disabled baby, birth injuries, etc - and think about how you and your family would cope. Also go over the finances - especially if your DC look like they will go to university and need financial support.

Well do you actually want a third? That would seem an important question.

I never wanted three, so I don’t have three, but that’s just me. My children are 12 and 7. I couldn’t imagine going back to the start now, but their Dad has (not the reason we divorced!) so there you go.

I was the left out one in a group of three children - the eldest of three with small gaps. So tue gaps don’t mean anything!

My mum feels the left out one, when she has an older sister very close to her age, and a sister 15 years younger, as her sister became “second mum” to the baby.

Not to say yours will though!

There's no right answer, but here's my experience ... unexpected pregnancy when older two were 15 and 17. Eldest took it really well and was excited from the outset, younger son was pretty distraught. He didn't want our happy family unit disturbed and I think felt he was going to be less special in some way.
Fast-forward and baby is now turning 3. Second son is the most doting, loving brother you could imagine - being a big brother has brought out a side to him that we hadn't really seen before. He's openly affectionate, unafraid to be silly in front of people to make his little brother laugh, and is even tolerant of the occasional tantrums and constant interruptions.
The baby's arrival did mean that I missed out on a lot of things with the older boys I would like to have shared - I stayed home with baby while husband did uni open days with the eldest (who is also great with the little one, btw). I went to bed early, the big boys stayed up with Dad. The up side of that is that they've both spent more time with DH, which has been nice for them all.
One other consideration, as we're older than you and your DH, is that we felt we were potentially committing our older children to caring for the youngster if anything happens to us while DS3 is still young (no other relatives would be suitable carers). And because I was nearly 45 there were health risks to consider, but they'd be less of an issue for you.
Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

" Also, I don't want to de-rail your thread but I can't stand ableist comments like 'what if the child has special needs.' It's not the end of the world for a child to have additional needs and it certainly isn't a reason why they shouldnt exist at all "

The "what if the child has special needs' point is a real consideration though.

It doesn't mean the child isn't wonderful addition etc. If your family needs two incomes then a child arrived that might need one parent to stop working long term, a bigger house and car purchasing is a something to consider. If you point blank couldn't cover it financially without significantly impacting siblings then it's a significant.

It's the same as not being able to afford a house big enough or not being able to afford a parent to be on Mat/ pat leave.

Don't make this into a debate about something it's not.

I have 3 but they’re closer in age (10, 13 and 15) and it is hard work! I find it actually gets harder when the kids get older (I personally loved it when they were little and found it much easier - they basically did as they were told!).

My older 2 certainly need more emotional support. Plus all the secondary school stress, hormones etc.... I would find it hard to juggle all that with a baby.

@Popcornbetty I was one of 4 and I have 3. But I really enjoy babies and small children, I haven't found it difficult in that sense.

I have 3DC and an age gap and really enjoyed it. My three DC are all adults now and get on really well. I love having a little gang of young men.

@Schmetterling1

I guess what summed it up for me when we decided to stop was - do my kids need another sibling more or my time, energy, attention, money for nice holidays and uni, me healthy etc. It was just so crashingly obvious that they needed me and all the things I could offer more of without a baby/another child in the mix way more than they needed another sibling that they might not even get on with.

So sensible and I completely agree

I would like a 3rd (beautiful little newborn, they just never stay that small) but I'm too scared, I have 2 lovely, healthy kids, 7 and 18 months. I'm worried that, as I'm older there could be complications, that my eldest will feel really left out because of the already big age gap. He dotes on his sister now but I can image that won't last long. And in fairness, life is ok at the moment, so I think why rock the boat?

I was 11 and my sibling was 7 when the youngest was born. Absolutely loved having another sibling!

I was on the fence for years about a third child. I found it helped me to write my thoughts and preface everything with “knowing myself, DH and my two children as I do, would this be an issue for US?”

For me, the pros were all heart and the cons were all head. I’m generally someone he goes with my heart.

However when I prefaced it all with the “knowing myself, DH and my two children as I do, would this be an issue for US?” - I realised that a third child would be an issue for us considering our mental and physical health issues, our finances, and our own capacity to provide the energy and input each child would require.

This was presuming that everything went well, we were able to conceive, and there were no significant issues. I also knew that I’d struggle to go through a third set of fertility treatments and the heartache and disappointment.

So despite the massive push from my heart to continue to add to my family who I love so dearly, I ended up going with my head. I say ‘I’ because it was me who made the final call, DH was on the fence and I feel I could have influenced him either way.

Do I have any regrets? Not really, sometimes I wonder but after much reflection I feel we’ve made the right decision for us. I was looking to replicate the lovely time I had with the two of them as babies, and I’m not sure a third would deliver that.

This won’t be the same for everyone I know, but because we struggled so much to conceive I think it was the right thing for us to focus on the two children we have, rather than chasing a dream of a third at the expense of the very real two in front of us.

I'm one of three! My older brother is 30 I'm nearly 27, then we have a younger brother who's nearly 15 so a massive gap haha but he was the best thing to happen to us, we had a great life just the 2 of us but a richer one when our little brother came along and we're all the best of friends, I loved the idea of being a big sister so I would say go for it! 😁

Don’t do it!!!!

We were the same, easy life, comfortable, loads of holidays and days out, then had a “surprise “ 3rd with a 7 and 9 year age gap.

It was/is bloody hard.

Trying to find things to appeal to 3 completely different aged kids is hard, less people invite you to places and holidays are much more expensive. They moan everywhere they go in the car as they’re all sat on top of each other. The older ones spend more time in their rooms as the little one loves to annoy them.

I have 3, closer in age, now 7,10 and 14. Older 2 dc were so close and it was harmonious, then dc3 came along and a bomb landed. DC 2 became very jealous of baby and was a nightmare for first 3 years, older dc wasn't fussed one way or another with youngest dc. These days things are easier, now the youngest 2 are either best of friends or fight like cat and dog, but it's been a good thing for middle child ultimately to have a little buddy. Oldest DC still not that close to youngest, it seems a big gap, 7.5 years. Middle and older dc still close but i think they would have been closer had dc3 not come along. It's hard to find days out and activities that entertain all ages, and they all need different considerations, and that third dc just seems to double the work for some reason. Saying a that I can't see our family any other way now.

I can't stand ableist comments like 'what if the child has special needs.' It's not the end of the world for a child to have additional needs and it certainly isn't a reason why they shouldnt exist at all

It’s also not a possibility to ignore. If anything it’s ableist to imagine that every child born won’t have additional needs and will fit a mental picture of what ‘childhood’ and ‘sibling relationships’ look like. It’s GOOD to remind people that babies are people and some of them are disabled and that that makes things different. Said as the mother of a child with SEN.

Also, I don't want to de-rail your thread but I can't stand ableist comments like 'what if the child has special needs.' It's not the end of the world for a child to have additional needs and it certainly isn't a reason why they shouldnt exist at all

I think this is unfair, as well as naive. It's not at all ableist to consider whether you want to roll the dice again and risk having a child with additional needs (which I have).
It can be a reason why they should not exist at all, many people who find out pre birth that their child would have additional needs prefer not to go ahead with the pregnancy, which is their right.

You can’t know if it would make DD2 more confident or not, and neither can anyone answering you. But you do know you will have less time, money etc, and that you will have to step back into the baby years, and extend child rearing by nearly a decade.

If you will still have enough time and money for all 3 kids, and don’t mind an extra decade of looking after little kids, then (unless you actively think it will damage your kids or relationship) crack on - but if not, not.

I have that age gap and it's amazing.

My youngest has what is basically like 4 adults around and he is utterly adored.

I'm 1 of 3 with the exact same age gap and my little brother was loved and adored by us all.

I personally love the age gap.

I think you should continue to enjoy life with your two children and not have a third.

I very unexpectedly fell pregnant with my 4th baby at the end of 2019. My three were 12, 10 and 7 at the time. She was born in June 2020 and she has honestly been the biggest blessing for all of us. My DD had just turned 8 when she was born. I was so worried about the age gap but it has been absolutely wonderful. We are all enjoying her so much. She has brought nothing but love and laughter into our home. Her siblings are all old enough to really enjoy her. I was so worried that my DD8 would be sad not being the baby of the family anymore but that absolutely has not happened. She loves being a big sister.