To potentially ruin a lovely life with a 3rd child!!

[Noideawhatimdoing12]

I need wise advice mumsnetters and I'm secretly hoping you tell me exactly what choice to make (although I know it that's not how it works unfortunately).

So I have 2 lovely dd 11 and 8 and they are the best of friends (99% of the time). But me and dh love the idea of a 3rd child.

I'm 33 and he is 40, we come from small families. Dh is an only child and I have one sister who is my best friend but she doesn't have or want any children. I've loved being a parent and having a family and I saw a big busy family as I got older. So...

Are the age gaps to big?

I'm so worried that my dd11, who loves the idea of a big family will love a baby, but my dd8 will not cope with her big sister choosing a baby over her and feel rejected (she's more sensitive and a bit needy and hates the idea of another sibling).
She will be the poor middle child. Is this a silly reason?

Is it selfish to have a 3rd for it to spend most its childhood an only child when the other two have gone off into the world?

What if I ruin such a lovely comfortable life? For all of us.

But....
What if its lovely, and busy, and everyone gets on, and it makes my dd8 confident and capable.

I'm driving myself crazy...
Anyone any words of wisdom or experiences of 3rd babies with age gaps or regrets?

My youngest is 9 years younger than his youngest sibling. The all adored him as a baby and were very engaged with him. Now he's effectively been an only child for the last 10 years and part of me is sad because of that. I also think of how long I've had a child at home and look forward to him going off to University. However, I will likely be bereft when he does because I've been able to have so much more time with just him and he's lovely. Sorry, I don't think that will help.

No one knows how any change to the family dynamic will work but I have 4 - two DS and two DD. Eldest boy was 10 when youngest DD was born and they get on great and I always felt the boys got to be kids for longer as they ‘helped’ take the girls to see Santa etc. I did worry about how it would pan out and no ones experience will be the same as yours. I hope you make a decision you’re happy with but consider all the pros and cons carefully.

As the third child in pretty much this exact situation, I vowed never to have similar gaps. I was constantly at a different stage to my older siblings and I hated that I could never escape being the baby of the family. Not that anyone "babied" me - it was more the sense of always being the slowest, the most tired, the least knowledgeable, the one that was too small or too young for the things that my siblings wanted to do. And then within a couple of short years we went from being a big family to me being effectively an only child when they left home. It was just a bit rubbish all round.

We get on well enough as adults, although my middle sister has recently admitted to me how hard it was for her when I was born, and how pushed out she felt.

I have three myself, but had two-year gaps between them, so totally different dynamic - none of them have any real memory of being anything other than a family of five.

I find it odd how it's apparently essential to add one sibling to the first child's life and borderline cruel not to, but apparently totally unreasonable and selfish to add a second sibling.

OP, I think you're massive overthinking the age gap for your kids . I don't think it will destroy the middle one's self esteem, and I think it's lovely to watch children of different ages be together. I do think you'll have to put some effort into managing the transition and carving out time for them all individually, but I think you're tying yourself up in knots unnecessarily assuming a baby will ruin their tweenage lives. You have a lovely family and you'd like it to be bigger, and I think it's wonderful for older children to have the opportunity to be really big brothers and sisters to much younger siblings.

That said, the age gap would give me pause for thought as a parent . Once we've finished nappies and naptimes I personally won't be keen to go back - and that's why this November we'll have three under 4! Only you know whether it will impact what financial support or treats you can give your older ones - and whether you care. We decided we'd rather have an extra baby than an extra annual holiday and make some "different" choices about clothes, activities etc anyway for non-financial reasons.

I have 3. The eldest is 7.5 years older than the youngest. It's hard going juggling all 3 as they are at different stages and have hugely different needs. Going through the baby and toddler stage during a pandemic brings very different challenges to. There is virtually no baby or toddler groups running in our area and younger kids are not getting to socialise which is creating long term problems. I have had to deal with home schooling etc with a baby. There is no guarantee we won't have another lockdown. We haven't really had holidays due to COVID so that's not been affected. My eldest adores our toddler but isn't keen on my 4 year old. I often have to try juggle giving them one to one time which is hard. I won't be having anymore but equally DS3 was a surprise and he is absolutely loved.

Op another thing myself and another family member have found with having a big gap in sibling ages is the older siblings tend to give in to the your youngest. My eldest panders to my toddler which we don't. It definitely means he is more spoilt than the other 2.

I think it is impossible for you to know how it will be. So much comes down to the personalities of the three individual children, which you can't possibly predict
You will be very restricted in what you can do with the older two for a while, unless you are prepared to split up and do things with just one parent. Hard to find anything that all three will enjoy on holiday, for instance.
There will inevitably be a down side, but on the other hand, if your heart is set on having a third, just do it. My third was quite a bit younger than my other two, and its never been a big issue. We're very lucky that they all get on very well. Number three has been more aggro than the other two put together. Just sayin..

I wouldn't.

Resentment from the older two, less time, less money, less attention for them all. Never underestimate how bloody hard the teen years are and how much emotional effort they can take, doubt you'd be fit for it if you've a toddler in the mix too.

And yes, do consider what impact a third with any health issues (or twins) could have on your easy family life too.

A friend pushed for a late third, had twins, within a year her DH had abandoned her and disappeared into the sunset with a younger woman, she's absolutely worn to the bone and her elder two are turning into angry and destructive teens as they don't get any support. Extreme example maybe but the point is to have a think if you could cope on your own if you had to.

I’d say go for it. Your dd11 won’t chose the baby over your dd8 because they’ll offer very different things for her. I have smaller age gaps than you but my two eldest are ‘best mates’ and they have a completely different, but equally lovely relationship with their younger brother because it’s a much bigger age gap. I’m also about to bring a 4th into the mix!

Personally I wouldn’t bother as your youngest is 8,
I had three but had them all within 5 years, and I preferred it that way.

We didn't in the end as I was worried I would be putting all my attention on the youngest as the oldest two were growing up. They are teens now and I wish I had a third as they want little to do with me apart from food, lifts and money!!!

I really miss being needed to be honest and am mourning their younger days. Obviously, a lot of people like getting their freedom back but I am not one of them. Don't get me wrong my teens are lovely and can be great company but as parents we are definitely their last resort for company!!

Well I have 2 children, aged 13 and 15 and knowing what I know now about the pre-teen/teenage years, there is no way I could deal with the ages yours are approaching AND the demands of a new baby/toddler and remain sane!

Demands change as your kids get older so although they become more independent in many ways, they also become more needy or reliant in others and i would hate for them to feel they couldn't come to me because I was knee deep in nappies or surviving on 2 hours sleep a night.

That's me though, not you.
My best friend's parents became unexpectedly pregnant with her when her two older siblings were 10 and 12 and she does say she effectively grew up as an only child as her siblings had left home while she was still quite young. I don't think her mum for one minute regrets having her though and she is actually the most support to her mum out of all of them now as adults.

I guess it's one thing wanting a baby brother or sister when you are 8/11 but the realities are quite different to the cute little baby to cuddle and push in a pushchair when it suits you!

I think, go for it or you will always regret it.
Yes, three is a lot more work but it is enjoyable work not just slog.

My theory is it is a bit like having a house with a large garden, you moan about the mowing and the maintenance but you seldom choose actively to go back to a pocket handkerchief garden.

I didn't have a fourth when my youngest was five, although I thought about it, and now I do feel it is a "regret". Not overwhelming or heartbreaking, but just a feeling of...yes I would have managed..and now be reaping the reward of that extra interesting person in the house (my youngest are now 19)

There's 13 and 11 years between my older siblings and I. We have the best of both worlds, by the time I was 5 my brother was off to uni as he'd moved out and my sister was in college. We've always got on fine and I have fond memories of my sister dressing me up to take to town so she could show me off to her friends.

If you want to have a 3rd baby then go for it. It sounds likes you have a happy and healthy family life.

My older 2 were 11 and 9 when DD3 arrived. We were both in our 40s.
Best decision we ever made to not plan on not having her. She is 10 now and really completed our family.

Lots of friends with similar. Agree it definitely moves you into the "larger family" bracket but lots of pluses. She is much less work than the other 2 as she is fitting into an existing family rather than having one develop around her. DD1 and 2 were at the stage of wanting to be more
independent of us by the time she arrived so suited them. Bit of juggling but that's inevitable anyway.

In your situation I wouldn't, but I only have two. Mine are 5 and nearly 3 and I cannot imagine even now going back to the baby stage. It'd feel like a huge step back. For me I feel like that chapter of our lives has closed and we're now moving happily into the stage of having children, not babies or infants.

Is that chapter of your lives closed? Do you want to go back to the days of pregnancy, recovering from birth, sleepless nights, lugging tons of stuff everywhere, naps, feeding, weaning, teething, nappies, nursery, toddler tantrums? How disruptive would your older children find it, and would your relationship be ok doing this?

These are the things you need to consider. It'd be a hard no from me!

YANBU to consider it, but perhaps the reason your DH likes the idea is that he'd like a boy - would he be disappointed if a 3rd daughter arrives?

You mentioned that your sister does not want children, but the lack of cousins isn't really an issue as your children have each other, and hopefully friends too. Also, looking at the bigger picture, the carbon footprint of another child is worth thinking about (you'll probably need a bigger car, for one thing), and the planet is already overpopulated, so that is something to bear in mind. Overall, it's your choice and whatever you do I'm sure you'll make things work for you, but if in doubt, I'd say don't do it.

Absolutely do not have a third.

The age gap between your first and third could be 12-13 years which will be ok at the start but when you then have a 16 year old doing GCSEs and a toddler charging around, things will be very different. As will holidays, weekends, days out...

Also have you thought much past the younger stages? We're starting to have the University talks with DS1 and college and it is not going to be cheap. Worryingly expensive actually, thank God we only have two kids to think about!

It is amazing and it is the case in my family, how many people who are one of three will say don't have three. It's not the same with two or indeed four, but I know many people who say three is a bad number from having been one of three children. I don't know if that helps, perhaps you should only listen to advice from people who have been the child.

I had 3, DS1 was nearly 7 and DD was nearly 5 when DS2 was born. They are all quite close now as adults, but DD was undoubtedly jealous when he was born. It was really hard work though, my DH worked long hours and was usually away 2-4 nights a week and I was a full time SAHM for 11 years and then only managed part time school hour work as child care would have been prohibitive, which has impacted vastly on my earning capacity etc since.

He was a planned baby and was and is much loved but I think with how pressured life is and the cost of living I wouldn’t have a third child if I was making the decision now. I also think you should consider how you would manage if you had to bring them up alone, 2 would be easier than 3 in those circumstances. I was widowed when my children were still teenagers and DS2 was diagnosed very late with ASD at 15, it was very hard as I had no family nearby. Do you have good support from extended family?

DSD is 10 and we have a toddler and another baby on the way. Her mum has a toddler. She loves her siblings and by no means has an awful life but days out with toddlers aren’t quite the carefree outings you have with older children. There are tantrums and naps to contend with. OP I would consider waiting a few years and think about a baby when your kids are entering the teen years and coining some independence anyway. Free babysitting too!

I have two older brothers, 9 and 11 years older. We are not close at all because they moved out when I was almost too young to remember. Mum said starting over from scratch was incredibly hard. I simply wouldn’t recommend it but of course if that’s what your heart tells you to do, you will manage. 💗

I am one of three and I'd say don't have three.

OP says she is worried about "what ifs" but that works both ways. Personally I can't see how the advantage of another child outweighs the overall disadvantage to the family, but accept that's a head over heart decision.

I do think you're imagine some perfect family vision which is not necessarily going to happen. Do you really want to go back to the baby/toddler stage when your youngest is 8? And you'd have a different dynamic as they wouldn't have a closely aged natural playmate. You'd be doing an entirely different set of things with the baby than with your older 2. Will your eldest end up being a mother's help (this has happened to lots of my children's friends who have much younger siblings) and is this fair to her?

It worries me that you are wanting a child to find personal fulfilment
I love being a mother and I never liked going to work or ever found 'my thing' so I wouldn't miss my independence in that way. It forced me to be more sociable and I'm happier for it.
Being a mother shouldn't be your sole identity - is your wish for a baby only because your children are getting older and need you less? Will you want another baby in a few years' time?

I love being a mother and I never liked going to work or ever found 'my thing' so I wouldn't miss my independence

I think I would spend six months looking into a possible enjoyable and rewarding career - is there nothing that appeals?
There are 30 years til you hit retirement age - a new baby won't fill all of that.

i think your financials matter the most