To ask which life you'd choose here?

[crossrhodes]

A. Stay in gorgeous home, with lovely DH and our shared DC and make the most of family life, a comfortable financial situation and continue with counselling to put all anxieties about the age gap to rest once and for all and just enjoy whatever time we do have, deal with the future when it happens. Knowing that if it does all go wrong, you had however many years with your family and you have amazing kids and a lovely home to be grateful for. Accept that anything could happen, we could end up divorcing for totally different reasons and that I shouldn't try and pre empt something that may not happen

B. Admit that it's only going to get worse with age, that the age gap is going to become more and more noticeable like I have read on mumsnet way too many times, and that having to start fresh now, as a single mum, moving into a flat is the more painful option now, but not in the long run as you no longer have to worry about age gap catching up with you and are young enough to find someone your own age to avoid these problems about the future, even if that person isn't the father of my child.

I'm terrified by both option at the moment. I did post a while back, my original post explaining how this relationship came about is explained in more detail there, but ultimately this is the question I have to answer.

Sounds like a scenario from a romantic comedy to be honest! And I mean that in a good way 😊

@crossrhodes

I don't know why I'm posting again. I don't know what I expect people to say. I don't know what I expect my family to say that hasn't already been said. I don't know why I can't stop doing this! It's totally out of hand now and I'm really not sure what I'm playing at anymore.

I read a comment on here that it's not a big gap, and it's fine and I feel myself exhale and relax, I then read a comment saying leave because you're right it will get worse and I panic again. I don't know which way it's going to go, I can't possibly know and I'm struggling to live with the fear.

Have you actually talked to your DP about this? He must have noticed your anxiety, perhaps knows you go to therapy?

I know that it may seem cruel to tell him you are anxious about something that is not his fault, but he sounds like a good man who has your best interests at heart.

I am a bit older than my husband (5 years). It’s no big deal ex’s why that it meant that we could only have one child. I obsessed with the idea that he had sacrificed the future he deserved by marrying me. When we talked about it he was able to assuage my fears. I know that is the opposite situation to you, but what I am trying to say is that you are clearly having this conversation with everyone, and yourself, all the time. Yet he is your partner and your support so, however unpalatable it seems, you have to have the conversation with him.

Also, unrelated point- you are tied together by your DD, so he will always be in your life now. Imagine if he stays healthy and hit and you have to witness that while lumbered with a bloke who lets himself go when he turns 40!

Ex’s why= except

Definitely a if you love him (it sounds like you do).
You seem to be assuming that if you spend the rest of his life together, you will then be too old to find another partner and be on your own for a long time after. I can promise you (from own experience) that people fall in love in 50s, 60's and I expect beyond. The love stories are different than when they were younger but no less loving or intense for that. So don't look at some point in far distant time thinking you will still be thinking then as you do now and only rubbish options will be available to you then. There is nothing really to indicate it will be that way.

I haven't married him, we a one night stand and had a baby. We first decided to stay friends and co-parent but it developed into more. Yes I would of been married by now, yes lockdown called our wedding off, but lockdown is also where all of these anxieties started. I have no intention of marrying him and leading him on in this state, I've been busy in the very young dependent DC phase for a few years, it was all a whirlwind of baby, house, engagement etc and things have ground to a halt during lockdown, he's started talking about more DC, rescheduling wedding and I'm trying to fully get to grips with how I feel. I'm trying to work everything out first, I have no intention of doing these things if I'm not fully in, I'm trying to decide if I'm fully in, that's literally why I'm posting.

Does he know anything about how you feel?

Blinking Nora.
To me is sounds like you aren't in love with him.
I'm 26 and there's 17 years between me and my partner and I'm in love with him and don't even question our future together because of the age gap. I know I want to be with him.

Also you could be with someone who is the same age as you and they could become sick and then you would feel 'held back' by them.

It's not the age that's the issue here. It's the fact you aren't in love with him.
If you were you wouldn't be questioning it at all

There's 11 years between me and DH. I'm 59 and he is 70. Age gap hasn't caught up with us yet.

MN is stupid about age gaps. Lots of marriages have them and they are fine. If t's not fine that isn't the issue.

sometimes worry I was just caught up in this family life that had fallen into my lap

that's allowed you know, not everything has to be planned out to the letter.

I met my now DH 10 years ago, I was happily single, living with some friends, going out 4 or 5 nights a week, he was supposed to be a fling.....we are now married with a mortgage and 2 kids, I fell into the relationship and so did he, and neither of us regret that for a second.

If he was the same age as you how would you feel? Still want to leave?

If the answer is no, you should stay. Age really is just a number. I know a couple with a 16 year age gap. It's the younger person who is in poor health. Anything can happen to anyone of us at any age.

There really is no point in worrying about things that haven't happened yet.

@Dishwashersaurous

OK, I'll tell you.

Stop going to therapy.

Stop thinking about the future.

Go out and enjoy life .

Promise not to mention this issue to anyone including yourself for a whole year.

Then in one's year time either set a wedding day or move out.

This actually makes a lot of sense so thank you for that. Is giving up therapy advisable, is my only concern, surely trying to work through these things is better than ignoring them?

You sound like you're really struggling with your mental health. I wouldn't normally comment on this but what you describe sounds like OCD (google "pure O"). If you're having normal talking therapy then it won't help you. You need to step away from seeking reassurance from the internet or MN because you won't find the answer to the question you're asking here (or indeed, anywhere).

What you want to know is whether your life will be happy in 10, 20, 30 years but that is unknowable for everyone irrespective of age gap. OCD treatment focuses on accepting that uncertainty and the anxiety it provokes.

Please, please do not leave your DP until you've been properly treated for this. Good luck.

Option B.

Because it wouldn't be an option if it wasn't a serious issue for you.

Thing is with therapy you can just end up going round and round in circles and dwelling on things. And in the case of anxiety driven thinking that doesn't actually help.

So better to just not talk, think, discuss or consider for a whole year and focus on enjoying the day to day

With only a 15 year age gap it is perfectly conceivable that your partner could outlive you. Do you feel like there are things you would like to be doing and aren’t? If so is your partner the actual reason for that or is it something else? 20+ years between my husband and I. We are a perfect match. Of course Ive thought about what the future might look like... but that also includes planning for him incase I’m not around any more.

I don't think you should worry but be realistic and have all sides covered.
There's a 10 year gap between mil and late fil, he was the youngest and just dropped dead of a heart attack.
You never know what's round the corner, we should all be prepared for the unexpected or predictable whatever the age gap.

You sound very similar in mindset to a friend I have. I agree with another poster - you're dwelling on this issue, online and in therapy. It isn't helping talking about it so much, it's obscuring your true feelings & gut instinct.

On the facts of the matter I'd choose to stay every day of the week. He sounds like a good husband and good dad, and there's no guarantee that as a single mum you'd find anyone you'd like better your own age. What if you feel in love with someone 9 years older?? Or someone lied about their age?

Full agreement with the person who said stop discussing this online and in therapy, put it out of your mind and come back to it in a year. You need a solid distraction plan for when the thoughts start to intrude - maybe designate another subject to think about? Or browse a favourite website (not Mumsnet!) that won't trigger the thoughts?

Is knowing a much younger woman who was outlived by her significantly older husband the new mumnset-maried-to-a-millionaire-tradesman?

Statistically, since men die younger than women, most women are almost certainly going to spend the last years of their life without their spouse. There will be exceptions, but statistically the evidence shows this.

However, on the plus side, years of health life are still increasing (the years that people live not compromised by a life limiting health condition or illness).

I chose B five years ago when I left DH, 14 year age gap between us which wasn’t a issue but became a issue after 8/9 years married. It wasn’t easy at first as I had been with him since I was 20, we had 2 dc’s who were 11 and 9 when I ended the marriage. Dc’s handled it well considering. I don’t regret it one bit, dh was pretty boring and spent every weekend sat in front of the tv whilst I wanted to be doing things, he had no ambition and no dreams to do anything other than live day to day. He didn’t do much with the dc’s, he hated going on holiday or going out for the day.

No I holiday with the dc’s several times a year plus weekends away, at weekends I see friends (never had friends when with him), I have new hobbies, the dc are happier and I am happier. Only thing I regret is not leaving sooner.

I'd focus on getting other aspects of your life sorted out before getting married. You mention worrying about missing out and wasting your life -what is it that you want to do? Do you have career ambitions that are currently frustrated due to your unexpected pregnancy?

I'd figure out where you see yourself in ten/twenty years regardless of your martial status and decide how you're going to get there. If you feel as if you're heading in the right direction with your life, you'll be in a better place to make a decision about your relationship.

You're obviously not and have never been, madly in love with your partner, though, and that's a shame.

I get the impression that you feel like a fraud. That somehow you’re cheating your DP by ‘pretending’ to play happy families. I don’t think it’s really about the age gap but that you don’t want to/can’t commit to him 100%. No judgement from me.

Do you feel that he loves you more than you him? That can also feel overwhelming too - like you’re responsible for his happiness. I think deep down you want to leave but you aren’t ready to except it.

A.

And continue to seek help for your anxiety. Good luck.

Life rarely ends up how we plan things OP, I am a little older than you and happily married to a man same age as me, but through disability I am fast becoming his carer and certainly my middle/old age is not going to be the one I would have "planned" when we first met.
Similarly my best friend is also happily married to a man 20 years older than her, they've been together 20+ years and their life is happy.

Constantly looking around you wondering if life could have been better, comparing it to the life of others sounds like more of a character trait in yourself you need to work on, and actually I would wager has little to do with the age gap? Is it more like lockdown fatigue, the feeling that life is something that is happening to other people while you blink. Don't make any rash decisions, stop comparing what "could be" because truth is none of us know, all we know is what actually IS.

And for goodness sake stop judging the inside of your life against the outside of other peoples. If you are with someone you love and loves you, someone you support and they support you, someone to share worries with and vice versa, and better still someone that is a good father- I think you're doing better than you think you are.

Give up the therapy, unless you live in a country where divorce is banned, marry him and enjoy life in the here and now. He is only 45 fgs. If you do not love him let him go.