To ask which life you'd choose here?

[crossrhodes]

A. Stay in gorgeous home, with lovely DH and our shared DC and make the most of family life, a comfortable financial situation and continue with counselling to put all anxieties about the age gap to rest once and for all and just enjoy whatever time we do have, deal with the future when it happens. Knowing that if it does all go wrong, you had however many years with your family and you have amazing kids and a lovely home to be grateful for. Accept that anything could happen, we could end up divorcing for totally different reasons and that I shouldn't try and pre empt something that may not happen

B. Admit that it's only going to get worse with age, that the age gap is going to become more and more noticeable like I have read on mumsnet way too many times, and that having to start fresh now, as a single mum, moving into a flat is the more painful option now, but not in the long run as you no longer have to worry about age gap catching up with you and are young enough to find someone your own age to avoid these problems about the future, even if that person isn't the father of my child.

I'm terrified by both option at the moment. I did post a while back, my original post explaining how this relationship came about is explained in more detail there, but ultimately this is the question I have to answer.

For some perspective there is 18 years between my mom and step dad. They married when she was in her 30’s. She’s now mid 60’s and he’s late 80’s and she’s finding the gap tough. He’s an old man and she’s wanting to go and enjoy her retirement. She does feel she’s wasting her life away.

Bloody hell, I though you are taking about 30+ age gap. 30 and 45 isn’t an issue. 50 and 65 either. And even 60 and 75 isn’t a problem.
I think the question you need to ask is whether you love him or not.

Weird post. Both are of a very blinkered mindset so YABU all round.

I'd choose a.
You don't know what's around the corner my great aunt married a man 17 years older than her and she said her parents weren't happy said she'd become his carer etc in reality he lived to be 96 and she died aged 60 from cancer and he cared for her for about 8 years.
In my case I became disabled aged 35, unable to work or do many activities of daily living. Nobody plans that/foresees things going wrong you have to live your life for now or you'll have regrets.
Live for now if everything else is OK don't loose what you have over a worry that may not even become reality.

I meant DP, sorry, we technically should be married by now but lockdown called off our wedding. I explained in more context in another thread. To cut a long story short we had a one night stand which resulted in pregnancy, I wanted to continue with the pregnancy and he was very supportive, we started off just as friends but after DC was born it progressed into more and we actually ended up engaged and a happy family against the odds. The way that it happened though has made it difficult sometimes, as I know that if we'd met with intentions to date or anything like that I'd of ruled him out as too old for me. It feels like I ended up here through a random chain of events and now I'm worried I've written off my future.

Wtf?

30 and 45??

A complete none issue.

@JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam

For some perspective there is 18 years between my mom and step dad. They married when she was in her 30’s. She’s now mid 60’s and he’s late 80’s and she’s finding the gap tough. He’s an old man and she’s wanting to go and enjoy her retirement. She does feel she’s wasting her life away.

This is the feeling I'm so scared of. Feeling like I've wasted my life and being full of regret and looking back on this stage I'm currently going through, where I'm questioning whether to leave or not, and wishing I had.

Do you want to be with him?

Right now do you want to be with him? If you have doubts I'd choose B.

I don't think I'd blame the age gap though.

If it really is only the age gap that you are worried about, then option A.

but if your worries about the age gap are a symptom of a deeper problem (do you really communicate well with DH, do you love him & connect with him?), then get counselling & think more carefully about your relationship.

@Merryoldgoat

Yes - my mum and her partner had the same gap and she had the same comments. She dropped dead completely unexpectedly at 40. Her old partner is still going strong at 80.

I was just about to say, you never know what's going to happen in life and none of us are promised tomorrow. If you love him and are happy with him then make the most of your life and stop worrying about what ifs. 15 years isn't such a big age gap anyway.....

This can't be about the age gap alone if you love him.

A. your are catastrophising about something that hasnt happened. Just because you read it on mumsnet doesnt mean it's going to happen. I'm sure there are many successful age gap marriages out there.

No op I wouldn't leave a man I love and risk seeing my kids only 50% of the time because at some point in the future he might "age" more than you.

You could have an accident or disease tomorrow that means he ends up as your carer. You could have an affair. Or he could. Something worse could happen. He could have a midlife crisis and want to be livin it up at 60 whilst you might be knackered and just want to Netflix and Nap at 45.

Don't dump now happiness for possible future what ife

But are you happy?

Life doesn't ever plan out the way people think that it will.

You could never have met him, and be ten years down the line berating that you never met anyone to have children with and now its too late.

You could have met someone who lives overseas and ended up moving countries.

You could have a life altering disease.

You could etcetera

No one knows what life will bring.

But are you happy now?

So say in forty years time, when he's mid 80s and needs care. Would you really really regret forty years of a loving happy marriage?

You might well be the one who needs care. Age is no absolute correlation to ill health or bad luck

Are you usually in general quite an anxious person. You are coming across as incredibly intense in your posts? Is it that you already deep down inside know what you want to do but need to get some sort of validation / green light that you should do it?

I've had relationships with men both 15 and 30 years my senior. In the end it wasn't age that broke us apart? Are you just catastrophising? Please don't make any haste decisions.

Don't worry about the age gap. I didn't have a large age gap but my DH died young long before retirement. Anyone can get sick so I suggest you enjoy your time together and not worry too much about the future.

@crossrhodes

I agree, it doesn't feel like a large age gap, at this age. I've just seen so many comments, and had messages myself on here from people warning me that it becomes a gulf between you as you age. I'm finding it hard to accept, it feels like I've wasted my life by committing to someone older and I'm just waiting for the effects of that to come into play.

Do you think this or is it that you have seen comments and warnings from other people?

Bit shocked at the emphasis you put on money OP and your "comfortable financial situation", rather than your love for your partner.

So given that staying together for money firms and has already formed a large part of your decision making process, you're undoubtedly going to stay unless you happen to meet someone with more money.

The answer is of course working on your own career and own financial security in the long term, but you seem to reject this.

I 9ersonally am mot keen older men, and there's no substitute for an unwrinkled young man at the same stage in life as yourself, making the same mistakes and going through the same learning processes as yourself, especially in your twenties, but you've missed out on that stage now anyway and presumably you were attracted to an older man for your own personal reasons.

My therapist thinks the anxieties stem from the way it began. He isn't who I would of sought out as a partner or to have children with, he was simply a one night stand, he would of been someone I considered short term fun over a long term age gap because I had always thought I'd end up with someone roughly my age. When I found out I was pregnant I approached him basically to say I'm keeping it but you don't have to be involved, he couldn't of wanted to be more involved, I didn't want to force a relationship just because I was pregnant so I was very distant to him during most of the pregnancy but it did eventually develop into more and deeper feelings came with time. I have learnt to love him, and I definitely love our family unit but it feels like I didn't choose it. I guess I worry that maybe I'd of been happier long term if I'd chosen, properly, what was best for me.

It seems like you’re fixating on the age gap because you don’t really feel you want to be with your partner. It sounds like you think there is a better option out there for you and this man is nice enough and you’re making a go because you feel you have to not because you really want to. You got pregnant and feel tied to this man to create your happy family but you seem to be doing it because you feel you should not because you love this man. The age gap is a bit of a red herring - it’s just the thing you’re focusing on to give you a good reason to end things.

I think that you think that people actually choose their lives.

Whereas most people fall into lives, yes there are some conscious decisions. Eg in your case choosing to keep the baby.

But actually most of life is a series of haphazard events.

But if you are continuing to question choices you will not be happy

It's nothing to do with money. I was just summing up our life and the differences there would be if I left and being financially comfortable is a key part of it that is there now and would drastically change if I left it.

And yes, that is my anxiety, that I'm missing out on experiencing life with someone my own age going through the same things of me. That's a big part of it. That I'll look back in the future and wish I'd of found that. I didn't seek out on an older man, I wasn't aware of how large the age difference was and I never sought out a relationship with him.

Yes but do you love him? Are you happy? Lots of people have asked that and you haven’t answered. If the answer is yes then obviously option A. 15 years age difference at your age is a complete non issue.

I'm team stay, but honestly it isn't fair on him for you to keep looking at him and thinking shit, you're what I got lumbered with. It sounds like a recipe for an affair for a start.

You chose to have sex. You could have gone home to sleep.
You chose to keep the baby. You could have had an abortion.
You chose to tell him. You could have kept it a secret.
You chose to get into a relationship with him. You could have kept it co parents.
You chose to get engaged. See above.

Wherever you are, it's based on the decisions you made.

That doesn't mean you should stay or go but this isn't some random life you woke up with with no control