To ask which life you'd choose here?

[crossrhodes]

A. Stay in gorgeous home, with lovely DH and our shared DC and make the most of family life, a comfortable financial situation and continue with counselling to put all anxieties about the age gap to rest once and for all and just enjoy whatever time we do have, deal with the future when it happens. Knowing that if it does all go wrong, you had however many years with your family and you have amazing kids and a lovely home to be grateful for. Accept that anything could happen, we could end up divorcing for totally different reasons and that I shouldn't try and pre empt something that may not happen

B. Admit that it's only going to get worse with age, that the age gap is going to become more and more noticeable like I have read on mumsnet way too many times, and that having to start fresh now, as a single mum, moving into a flat is the more painful option now, but not in the long run as you no longer have to worry about age gap catching up with you and are young enough to find someone your own age to avoid these problems about the future, even if that person isn't the father of my child.

I'm terrified by both option at the moment. I did post a while back, my original post explaining how this relationship came about is explained in more detail there, but ultimately this is the question I have to answer.

You need to sort out your anxieties.

If you have a future with your current partner will come to you when the time is right. Please don't force yourself into a decision based on other people's opinions.

Did op say he targeted her? Or was insistent when she wasn't interested? I didn't read that. I got the impression that this was all consensual and she made the decision to make and then keep a baby with him. Doesn't mean she has to stay with him of course, but I don't think the narrative that she was pushed into this is correct based on what she's said.

Op - I can see you're very anxious about this. I hope you can come to the decision that's right for you soon and that you can make peace with that decision.

This is what holds me back every time I think I've decided that the scale of these thoughts clearly means I don't love him and I should leave. I make that decision and then I think, but is this just anxiety, are these just intrusive thoughts. I cannot hand on my heart say that I know how I feel or what I want to do
I don't think you want to settle.
Listen to your gut and stop smoke screening it behind anxiety.

With all due respect and mumsnet has its good moment, this kind of decision is not something to be discussing and considering on an anonymous forum.

worry that I'd be better off with someone a closer age to myself.

but why?

What exactly have you 'missed out on' that you couldn't do with your partner now?

You say that you are 29 and have been with him for nearly 15 years. So you were very young when you got together. Is he your only sexual partner? If so (and even if not) do you think that the fear of having missed out on a "better" life/partner and potentially wasting your youth is rooted in your age at the time? Being pregnant so young must have been hard and it must have seemed much safer to cling to him than to go it alone.

The age gap between my husband and I is well over 20 years, and I don't feel that I've wasted anything. Of course I think about being a relatively young widow, but I'm not going to leave him now because of my fear of losing him in the future, that would make no sense at all. However, I was not a teenager when we met. He was a one night stand that never ended though (27 years ago now!).

I'm 20 years married to my DH with a similar age gap.
I love him so much and couldn't ever imagine life without him.
I'm the younger one but he's more sprightly than me!
You couldn't pay me to leave for someone younger (or anyone for that matter)

Take out every single question and answer this one only
Do you love him and want to spend your life with him or not?

Once you can honestly answer that, then the rest of the puzzle should complete itself.

You are right, even my therapist has had to say multiple times she can't tell me what to do here. I'm waiting for someone to. It's just because I don't know how to make this decision on my own. I really don't

You might not now, but I promise you that you can. Instead of focusing all your attention on this one, very specific question or concern, spend some time looking at yourself and your wider life. How do you want your life to be? What's really important to you? Who is the authentic you?

You've become fixed on one issue but that in itself isn't the real problem. Somewhere the messages you have had in your past and the beliefs that you grew up with seem to be conflicting with where you are at the moment, and you are struggling to resolve that.

Explore yourself. You will find the answer.

@Dishwashersaurous

OK, I'll tell you.

Stop going to therapy.

Stop thinking about the future.

Go out and enjoy life .

Promise not to mention this issue to anyone including yourself for a whole year.

Then in one's year time either set a wedding day or move out.

I agree with all of this. It's a good plan. Therapy doesn't always help and it's perhaps making you overthink things too much.

Fucking hell - the poor bloke is only 45. Give him a break and just let him get on with his life

Life isn't perfect and doesn't always go the way it ought to!

What matters is making the most of every situation and fully living in the present (rather than anticipating problems 20 years down the line).

The age gap isn't in itself a problem, but it's probably become the scapegoat for bigger issues. They might be your insecurities over how your relationship started. I have experienced this myself. I found what helps me is realising that no one (or at least not many people) have perfect relationships and no one can be a perfect partner. That's life! I have found practicing gratitude (like with a gratitude journal) helpful.

Do you want to be with him today? Ask yourself that question each day and take it from there.

@crossrhodes How long do you think you will be in this state of moratorium? Because at some point push will come to shove. Have you even discussed with him your feelings or are you waiting to be done with your personal feelings first before telling him where you stand?

And even after this is all said and done what's to stop you having another panic in a few years or indeed when your child starts gaining some independence so all you are left with is him? This is utterly morally reprehensible.

There seems to be so confusion, I was 24 when we slept together, 25 when I had our DC and I am now 29. We haven't been together 15 years, the age gap between is (nearly) 15 years.

You sound like you have a happy, stable family life with a man whom you love, who treats you well, and who is a good father to your DC. You are really, really lucky.

I’m wondering if the obsessing over the age gap is because you need something to be wrong? Possibly you find it hard to believe that you could have fallen on your feet like this? You might feel like you don’t deserve to be happy and secure and stable. Healthy relationships are rarely full of fireworks, they tend to rumble along happily, with the usual ups and downs.

If you leave, you might find someone young, gorgeous, and amazing, who is a great stepfather to your DC. But, to be honest, you probably won’t. No matter what, if you leave now you’ll have to spend up to half your life not living with your child. If you have more h children, they won’t be full siblings. Seriously, do you want all that? If you’re happy in your relationship, how could it ever make sense to leave and sacrifice living with your child full time? What would be the purpose of it? Literally no one benefits in that scenario.

Keep working with your therapist but I really think the problem is with you (in the kindest possible way) rather than your relationship.

[quote VladmirsPoutine]@crossrhodes How long do you think you will be in this state of moratorium? Because at some point push will come to shove. Have you even discussed with him your feelings or are you waiting to be done with your personal feelings first before telling him where you stand?

And even after this is all said and done what's to stop you having another panic in a few years or indeed when your child starts gaining some independence so all you are left with is him? This is utterly morally reprehensible.[/quote]
I am in this much distress because I am trying so hard to make a clear, final decision either way. If I stay it's because I want to of fully made my peace with my anxieties and trust that it won't come up again. Obviously if this proves to be a repeating pattern that I just cannot get past, then I will leave.

Fifteen years is a biggish gap but nobody knows what the future holds. Look at Paul McCartney. His wife died young. Nobody could have foretold that. Seems like your anxiety isn't founded on logic. Lots of couples have that size age gap.

Maybe the problem is not how you might feel in 15 years' time, but how you actually feel now.

Are there times when you are really bored with him, but would rather not admit it?

That, to me, would be more of a pointer to the best course of action than any kind of attempt to anticipate how things might or might not be in some hypothetical future.

So you've been together 4 years. That's actually a long time and long enough to know if you want to be together.

I am in this much distress because I am trying so hard to make a clear, final decision either way.* you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to decide now. Like a pp said you could give it a year - if you don't feel any differently move on. In that year, try and enjoy your life with your DP and DC rather than be eaten up by this anxiety.

There seems to be so confusion, I was 24 when we slept together, 25 when I had our DC and I am now 29. We haven't been together 15 years, the age gap between is (nearly) 15 years

Had you had other partners/relationships of any significance before him? Is this the first longer term relationship you've had?
When I was 24 I'd had flings etc but hadn't had a serious relationship with anyone at that point.

You're too young to be stuck with a man who already makes you feel dissatisfied OP.

I know a lot of posters on mumsnet prioritise being married or in a relationship as the fount of all happiness, but honestly there's more to life.

It sounds like your therapy isn't really helping you much tbh.

Perhaps you need to do something to invigorate your life. Take up a new hobby, look at the rental market, retrain or plan to go to university, find a new man...embrace your fears and doubts and ride over them.

Theres more to life than getting married and "settling down" with the first man whose vaguely willing.

@Dishwashersaurous

So you've been together 4 years. That's actually a long time and long enough to know if you want to be together.

We didn't get together or move past friends until after our dc was born. When we did give it a go it escalated to mortgage, engagement really quickly, it felt like we were going from strength to strength and that everything was clicking into place but I sometimes worry I was just caught up in this family life that had fallen into my lap

This sounds to me like anxiety rather than a problem with marriage - and like you shouldn't throw away what you have now because perhaps anxiety is saying 'you don't deserve' this or 'it'll go wrong, just you wait and see'

Yes, you will have challenges but they probably won't be anything to do with his age and I do worry that you might be on a pathway to falling apart when there is a problem rather than riding with it as one needs to in a marriage or LTR.

A: put all anxieties about the age gap to rest once and for all and just enjoy whatever time we do have, deal with the future when it happens.

B: Admit that it's only going to get worse with age, that the age gap is going to become more and more noticeable...start afresh now as a single mum....you are young enough to find someone your own age even if that person isn't the father of my child.

Fucking hell. And they say romance is dead.... Whatver happened to 'in sickness and in health'?

He's your husband and the father of your child. You knew he was older when you married him. What the fuck did you expect?

I'm speechless at this.

OP, I have had really severe anxiety and panic in the past, and your posts sound just like I did when I was in the grip of it.

I would talk to your therapist or GP, not about whether you should leave or stay with your DP, but about how anxious you feel. Once you stabilise the anxiety, you may feel more able to tackle whether it's your relationship that is the underlying issue, or something else.

But I've been where it sounds like you are and it's just horrible not being able to think straight or think about anything else. You can't solve big questions when you're in the grip of panic, you just can't.