To ask which life you'd choose here?

[crossrhodes]

A. Stay in gorgeous home, with lovely DH and our shared DC and make the most of family life, a comfortable financial situation and continue with counselling to put all anxieties about the age gap to rest once and for all and just enjoy whatever time we do have, deal with the future when it happens. Knowing that if it does all go wrong, you had however many years with your family and you have amazing kids and a lovely home to be grateful for. Accept that anything could happen, we could end up divorcing for totally different reasons and that I shouldn't try and pre empt something that may not happen

B. Admit that it's only going to get worse with age, that the age gap is going to become more and more noticeable like I have read on mumsnet way too many times, and that having to start fresh now, as a single mum, moving into a flat is the more painful option now, but not in the long run as you no longer have to worry about age gap catching up with you and are young enough to find someone your own age to avoid these problems about the future, even if that person isn't the father of my child.

I'm terrified by both option at the moment. I did post a while back, my original post explaining how this relationship came about is explained in more detail there, but ultimately this is the question I have to answer.

OP, I think I may have read your previous threads.

If I'm right, you were 22 when this 37/38 year old man sought you out.

That's an enormous difference in life experience and maturity.

You sound like a bloody nightmare tbh. Leave and let this lovely man find someone who cherishes him.
Are you shagging your counsellor?

Step away from the internet and other people's problems. Be grateful for the beautiful life you have now.

@StayingHere

I do worry about this. My closest friend keeps saying she hopes we can work it out but if I'm going to leave I should do it now whilst I'm young and attractive and wouldn't struggle to move on, and whilst the same applies to him. I'm definitely not a model by any means, but her words do play on my mind a bit, I'll admit.

This is madness. Sorry but your posts have got more and more strange. What are you going to do if you find your youth and attractiveness cannot bag you a better partner than the one you've got? Or what if you find yourself a 36 year old looker but he turns out to be disrespectful and doesn't care a jot about your DC? You don't know what else is out there I doubt there's a perfect man just waiting somewhere. Your DH sounds like a really nice guy who dotes on his children and is kind and caring towards you. There is a lot to be said for that.

Of course it's not madness to not stay with someone you don't find physically attractive and who is much older! Even if the OP was 55, it still wouldnt be madness! The OP was in her twenties when she got together with this man in his forties. That's a massive difference in stages of life and life experience.

But contemplating your options in a relationship causing you anxiety is not madness. 1/3 of all marriages end in divorce. Are you seriously suggesting thars because 1/3 of divorcees are mad?

The fact that you talk in terms of the OP "bagging a man" of 36 (and still 6 years older than her) shows that you have sone strenge, deep rooted issues about relationships and womens' independence and right to make choices.

It's no longer 1950...

Learnt to love him, grown to love him etc. Most people grow to love their partners op, you don't usually love them the instant you meet them. Either you love him or you don't. Do you feel excited to see him?

Never base anything on what you read on Mumsnet.

A. Definitely!
Life is too bloody short to worry about 15 years ( I'm 52, so 45 isn't old!). With what's happened over the last 12 months you need to be grateful that you are healthy, happy and comfortable. Many people aren't. There's no saying that you won't become ill,just because you're younger than him.Enjoy what you have now- you're a long time dead.

@JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam

For some perspective there is 18 years between my mom and step dad. They married when she was in her 30’s. She’s now mid 60’s and he’s late 80’s and she’s finding the gap tough. He’s an old man and she’s wanting to go and enjoy her retirement. She does feel she’s wasting her life away.

This doesn't make any sense *@JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam* if those ages are correct there must be at least 23 years between them? OP my Mum and Dad have an age gap of 13 years and have been together for 57 years - both are pretty healthy though there has been the odd bump in the road for each of them. Enjoy today, either of you could get knocked down by a bus in the morning.

you also seem to want to know what the future will bring, and believe that if you had done x, y, z then you would be guaranteed happiness.

Life is not like that. Its not predictable or planned.

Every single person needs to make the best of their choices. And own the choices that they do make.

You chose to have a baby and get into a relationship with this man.

That was free choice.

Now either choose to leave him or not but stopping making out that it's a decision separate to you.

@crossrhodes

I don't know why I'm posting again. I don't know what I expect people to say. I don't know what I expect my family to say that hasn't already been said. I don't know why I can't stop doing this! It's totally out of hand now and I'm really not sure what I'm playing at anymore.

I read a comment on here that it's not a big gap, and it's fine and I feel myself exhale and relax, I then read a comment saying leave because you're right it will get worse and I panic again. I don't know which way it's going to go, I can't possibly know and I'm struggling to live with the fear.

Why are you placing so much importance on comments from strangers on a forum who know nothing about you or your relationship at all? By all means take advice about how to clean a house or cook a chicken or whatever but this is a bit weird.

None of us are living the lives we thought we might.

No-one has a perfect relationship.

There's a lot to be said for being with someone that you like and trust, is the father of your DC and who doesn't have complex exDP problems.

Your DC sound young. Focus on making joint friends who perhaps span your ages. Start to accept that this is your lot in life and the the upsides make the downsides worth it. Also find things to do that make you 'you'. It's hard when your DC are tiny but you can find this again as they get more independent. I have.

Turns out my DH has a very significant but hidden disability. My life is not how I thought it would be. But I like him, fancy him, love him, and it's OK. I have another friend who has developed MS. He's young, his life is not what he thought it would be. He and his wife are still together.

Focus on the push factors. Is there enough pushing you out of the relationship? If so, then leave.

At the moment, there's no pull factors, only your imagination.

OP, you really need to step away from MN/social media and focus on this with your therapist.

At the moment you are asking all and sundry for an answer - mumsnet, your family, your friends, etc. You are looking for an external solution to what is really an internal issue. None of us have the answer. The answer is within you, not anyone else.

You sound as though uncertainty is really difficult for you, and you would like some certainty in life and your future. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. Learning to accept some of that uncertainty is something that you could work on with your therapist.

Of course, we can't predict the future. You don't know if your life with your DP will turn out great, or if the age gap will become an issue, or if you would be happier with him or without him. So maybe, try to focus on the here and now and managing your anxiety.

You have the answers. Nobody else. And there isn't a right or wrong answer. There are just different paths. And the chances are, whichever path you take, there will be periods of good and bad, but neither are right or wrong. The paths are just different.

I don't think a 15 year age gap will cause any issues at all.

The fact that you talk in terms of the OP "bagging a man" of 36 (and still 6 years older than her) shows that you have sone strenge, deep rooted issues about relationships and womens' independence and right to make choices.
I think you'd probably have to actually know me to draw this conclusion than read an internet post!
Op is considering leaving her DP because she wants to be with a younger man, but she doesn't yet know this man or know that her life would be better because of it. She doesn't say she wants to leave him because she'd be happier single. She also says she loves her DP. So in my opinion it is irrational to leave her DP (who she apparently loves) for a fictional younger man in his 30s. I don't have any deep rooted issues but you would never know that because we don't actually know each other - this is the internet.

Of course it's not madness to not stay with someone you don't find physically attractive and who is much older!

But she says she does find him physically attractive, just less so than her friends' partners. I'm sure some of my friends' partners are more physically attractive than mine, but that doesn't make them the right partner for me. However the very fact that OP has a roving eye like that plus this Other Life fantasy scenario ongoing suggests that her DP isn't the right guy for her (and maybe no one ever would be), so that alone rather than any age gap makes me feel like she should go for option B and let this guy move on.

But why are you so sure that a same age relationship would be more ideal or longer lasting? Of all the relationships which I have known to have ended bitterly or in divorce have been those who are similar in age to each other (and many have ended due to the man having an affair when the woman has hit middle age!). All the age gap relationships are still together and as far as I know they are happy.

@AliciaWhiskers

OP, you really need to step away from MN/social media and focus on this with your therapist.

At the moment you are asking all and sundry for an answer - mumsnet, your family, your friends, etc. You are looking for an external solution to what is really an internal issue. None of us have the answer. The answer is within you, not anyone else.

You sound as though uncertainty is really difficult for you, and you would like some certainty in life and your future. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. Learning to accept some of that uncertainty is something that you could work on with your therapist.

Of course, we can't predict the future. You don't know if your life with your DP will turn out great, or if the age gap will become an issue, or if you would be happier with him or without him. So maybe, try to focus on the here and now and managing your anxiety.

You have the answers. Nobody else. And there isn't a right or wrong answer. There are just different paths. And the chances are, whichever path you take, there will be periods of good and bad, but neither are right or wrong. The paths are just different.

You are right, even my therapist has had to say multiple times she can't tell me what to do here. I'm waiting for someone to. It's just because I don't know how to make this decision on my own. I really don't

@TheVolturi

You sound like a bloody nightmare tbh. Leave and let this lovely man find someone who cherishes him. Are you shagging your counsellor?

He can't be that lovely if he targets women in their early twenties and makes them unhappy and anxious.

It's actually really easy to get an older man interested, so I'm surprised you haven't worked out that if the OP ditches this one, she could quite easily find another one, or maybe even really hit the bonus ball and get one a couple of decades older.

(I'm being somewhat sarcastic, in case it's not obvious).

crossrhodes it sounds like you might be suffering from anxiety, rather than anything else?

I went through some post-natal anxiety after becoming a Mum. I started fixating on how happy I felt and became terrified that one of us would die and the happiness would go. I had some help, and it turns out it can be quite a common anxiety to develop.
Yours is perhaps a different spin on that - worrying about him getting ill or dying in the future?

If it's that then do get in touch with your GP or local counselling services. They can really help.

If it's more of a fear or disgust of him aging, or an excuse to get out of the relationship then perhaps you should. It really depends if it's a surface thing, or if you really do love him and are happy and are just going through anxiety about losing him.

OK, I'll tell you.

Stop going to therapy.

Stop thinking about the future.

Go out and enjoy life .

Promise not to mention this issue to anyone including yourself for a whole year.

Then in one's year time either set a wedding day or move out.

Is this serious? You have a happy comfortable life, but are worried that a 15-year age gap may cause problems in the future, so you're considering leaving and starting a new life as a single mum?

Youre inventing problems that don't exist. Of course they will if you make them happen.

Please enjoy your good luck!

OP you have posted this a couple of times now, you don't need our permission to leave him, and it seems like the actual issue here is that you feel as though you've settled and can do better.
Maybe you can, but dating is a minefield and even harder if you have children. If you leave then you'd be best staying single and work on yourself.
What's the alternative to option A? 50/50 with the children, a smaller house etc. Will you be any happier if you leave?

Even my therapist can't tell me

I wonder if, by meeting someone so much older when you were so young, if you've missed out on a lot of the personal development and learning a lot of us do in our twenties.

Can you discuss any of this at all with your DH?

It's incorrect to say that the age gap gets more important as you get older. In my experience it's the opposite. My DH is 13 years older than me - when we were younger people warned me "you'll be an old man's nurse" and suchlike. Friends thought I was mad to marry him, and I did wonder if they would be prove right.

I'm now 63 and he is 76 - we're both fit and healthy, and the age gap seems non-existent to us both. We have a great life and no worries.

You need to get off your phone and start enjoying your marriage and your lovely husband . You're sucking the life out of your situation with this constant worrying about what someone on MN said .

I expected when you said “age gap” that it’d be something significant like 25+ years. 15 isn’t really much of an age gap so I’m not really seeing the problem to be honest. DH is 12 years older than me but I don’t really notice it. It’s not like we’re from different generations or anything!