To ask which life you'd choose here?

[crossrhodes]

A. Stay in gorgeous home, with lovely DH and our shared DC and make the most of family life, a comfortable financial situation and continue with counselling to put all anxieties about the age gap to rest once and for all and just enjoy whatever time we do have, deal with the future when it happens. Knowing that if it does all go wrong, you had however many years with your family and you have amazing kids and a lovely home to be grateful for. Accept that anything could happen, we could end up divorcing for totally different reasons and that I shouldn't try and pre empt something that may not happen

B. Admit that it's only going to get worse with age, that the age gap is going to become more and more noticeable like I have read on mumsnet way too many times, and that having to start fresh now, as a single mum, moving into a flat is the more painful option now, but not in the long run as you no longer have to worry about age gap catching up with you and are young enough to find someone your own age to avoid these problems about the future, even if that person isn't the father of my child.

I'm terrified by both option at the moment. I did post a while back, my original post explaining how this relationship came about is explained in more detail there, but ultimately this is the question I have to answer.

OP, is there anyone else? Not necessarily someone you are having an affair with or actually would, but someone who makes you think that you'd rather a life with them?

It's just strange to be considering this based on something that hasn't happened and quite possibly never will; as others have said, 15 years isn't THAT much and he could stay hale and hearty to a ripe age, you might not, who knows?

It makes me wonder if you have a specific person in mind. Or do you just wish you'd played the field a bit more while single?

What exactly do you think you're missing right now?

I think what you really want isn’t an option- you want to have met someone your own age in the beginning, and had the children and house and relationship that you have now, but with a younger man. That’s not possible and you need to let it go.

I agree with this, the options you have in your head (perhaps subconsciously) aren't a and b as laid out in the op, they are a) stay and b) go back in time and do things differently. That's how life goes, we make hundreds of big and little decisions and go down these paths.

I am a bit in your situation, I do regret my age gap relationship, but at this point all I can do is make the best of it. Sure, maybe if I didn't go out with my current dp an amazing same age guy might have been just around the corner. Or I could have stepped off the kerb running away from a crappy date and been hit by a bus. I'll never know and neither will you. What I do know is I'm with a nice man and we co parent our beautiful healthy dc - and that's a lot.

I read a good piece of writing on this issue by Cheryl Strayd, called the Ghost Ship that Didn't Carry Us.

I'll never know, and neither will you, of the life you don't choose. We'll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn't carry us. There's nothing to do but salute it from the shore.

@JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam

For some perspective there is 18 years between my mom and step dad. They married when she was in her 30’s. She’s now mid 60’s and he’s late 80’s and she’s finding the gap tough. He’s an old man and she’s wanting to go and enjoy her retirement. She does feel she’s wasting her life away.

You're maths don't add up! You said 18 year gap, mid sixties and late 80's?! Your describing 20+ gap. Sounds like you're trying to feed OP's fears. That's very unkind as she's looking at 15yr gap.

Well if you do leave him, what are the chances of you finding someone your own age willing to take on your child? That person may well have baggage and kids of their own. You'll have to split your daughter with you ex and when she asks why you separated you'll have to say it was because Daddy was too old?

Why, at 24, after a ONS did you decide to keep the baby? You were still very young with chances of meeting someone your own age at that point. You were fortunate your partner stepped up as many men might have walked away.

You can't predict life. My dad died at 43, my mum was 40.

The warnings on here are uninformed, ageist hogwash 9 times out of 10. We've just celebrated our 36th anniversary, same age gap as you. DH is far fitter and healthier than I am. It's all down to the individuals and to chance. MN should not be relied on to make life decisions based on assumptions by strangers

"I am in this much distress because I am trying so hard to make a clear, final decision either way. "

Why? Why try to make a decision when trying to causes you distress?

How about making a decision NOT to decide? Just let 12 months go by without any examination of the state of your relationship and your feelings about it. Every time it comes up in your mind just say firmly to yourself 'No. I'm not looking at this until May 2022.'

And then, in a years time look and see how it went. Was it miserable? Do you still feel undecided - in which case repeat for another 12 months?

And in the 12 months just enjoy what happens (or, rather, you choose to do, because that's how people actually live) day to day, minute by minute. Good, bad, dull, interesting, soothing, alarming, amusing, annoying. Just experience it as it happens and shove the 'what shall I do?' out until the day you have set aside to revisit it.

A, all day long .

I read your previous post

• you can’t go back in time . Enjoy what u have

I read your other post and reading this one I'm just struck with how self absorbed and selfish you sound.

Leave him now, put the poor sod out of his misery of being stuck with someone who is always expecting the relationship to fail. If you actually loved him at all this wouldn't bother you. All you care about is what might happen and how it might affect you. Go and find someone your own age who is as shallow and self absorbed as you are and live your tiny little lives.

Why on earth would you break up your child’s family on a completely theoretical problem? You could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Your husband could live to be 100. You have no idea what is going to happen.

@greengrey

I read your other post and reading this one I'm just struck with how self absorbed and selfish you sound.

Leave him now, put the poor sod out of his misery of being stuck with someone who is always expecting the relationship to fail. If you actually loved him at all this wouldn't bother you. All you care about is what might happen and how it might affect you. Go and find someone your own age who is as shallow and self absorbed as you are and live your tiny little lives.

Wow.

Are you always so biased against women?

If this is what you say to someone you've never met, I hate to think how what you'd say to a criminal or something!

So many posters paying homage to a man who is barely outlined, whom they have no idea about. The message is clear - its 2021, be very grateful you have a man, any kind of man. Count your blessings, and don't hope for anything better, in case you are confined to the horrors of internet dating in your thirties! Its all your fault, because you're the woman and the Great Man has chosen to be with you.

Christ.

A, absolutely. He's only 45! He's barely middle aged and you're already picturing yourself as his carer? It could just as easily be you that could fall ill or need care. In sickness and in health.

I don't understand why you even need to think about this if your life together is as wonderful as it sounds.

How would you feel if your DP came across your computer, still logged in to Mumsnet, and read what you've been posting? How would you feel if he left you?

On your other thread, you had this very thought provoking response from @HeartsAndClubs:

So you don’t really want to be with him. You’ve settled and now you want out and to find someone else, who may actually not exist.

How do you think he would feel knowing that you actually wish you could find someone better, someone younger?

Imagine if he found out all of this and ended the relationship. Would you be happy that you were suddenly free to pursue that younger man knowing that you weren’t the one responsible for ending things?

The reality of leaving a perfectly decent relationship for a fantasy would in fact mean you not seeing your DS half the time because he would be with his Ddad. His dad meeting someone else and having more children who would be your DS’ siblings. Going on to online dating and meeting creep after creep who will send you dick pics at the earliest opportunity, or lovebomb you until they get laid and then ghost you.

If you genuinely don’t love him then do the decent thing and end the relationship so he has a chance to be with someone who deserves better.

But if you do actually love him, then get a grip. Because if he finds all this out you may lose him anyway.

Be careful what you wish for.

I think you should continue with the therapy, because from where I'm sitting, it sounds like you have a caring, kind, supportive Partner, who loves you - and you, him, but you're thinking of leaving him "in case you don't fancy him as much when he gets older". I agree with @HeartsAndClubs; you need to get a grip.

Are you being treated for your anxiety? I would see a GP and get that sorted out.

You keep using phrases like 'hand I've been dealt' or 'fallen in my lap' as though you have no control over your own life, and no agency. Do you tend to feel like life just happens to you and you're a passive bystander to fate?

You DO in fact have control and you had control when you made the choices that led you here. Until you own those choices and accept that you forged your own path, you will have a lot of trouble processing all this.

For what it's worth, I like most others in the thread think it's ludicrous to throw away a wonderful loving family - and all the trauma that puts kids through - just in case you meet an imaginary perfect man in the future. However we absolutely do not know you and your partner so we are not really able to give good advice for your situation.

To be questioning this in this way, you’re not in love with him so you should think about your options in regards to leaving.

15 years isn’t a huge gap. Why are you worried? No one knows what the future holds. Just enjoy your life now instead of worrying about things that might never be an issue. (Assume you’re worried about only being 60 when your partner is 75 etc)

What a strange way to live. Leaving a relationship for something that might never happen. Do you love your partner? Surely that’s the most important thing. Why would you not want to be with him in the future? Because he’s a bit older than you? Weird.

So many posters paying homage to a man who is barely outlined, whom they have no idea about. The message is clear - its 2021, be very grateful you have a man, any kind of man. Count your blessings, and don't hope for anything better, in case you are confined to the horrors of internet dating in your thirties! Its all your fault, because you're the woman and the Great Man has chosen to be with you.

I don't think anyone is paying homage to him, he's just a normal guy it sounds like who has flaws like everyone. People are just pointing out that if the only reason OP wants to leave is to find someone younger because of worries about the future, meeting someone younger isn't guaranteed. And resetting things and choosing a younger partner four years ago is impossible.

I think OPs worries are quite valid, and if they were dating I'd say break it off. But she isn't.

You knew the age gap before you had DC. They have a lovely home and father who has done no wrong.

How could you even think of disrupting the childrens lives and ruining their childhood for some selfish whim of your own.

There are many different ways to live a happy life.

If you have ended up with a good life-partner and father, who you are attracted to (even if not drop-dead gorgeous) and enjoy being with, in a financially stable environment to bring up your kids, then you are doing better than many.

And if you still like him after lockdown and after years 0-4 of bringing up your DC then you are doing really well!!

I agree with others that this seems more to do with anxiety than your actual situation, and I'd urge you to get proper MH help with it.

Stick with him. From reading your posts you are the kind of person to think grass is always greener. You leave you will hanker for what you lost.

Do yourself a favour. Focus on the positives. Count your blessings. Be grateful for your family. Every day.

You don't know how your dp is going to age. He could be a very fit and healthy person and you conversely could be ill or age badly and be physically worse off. He could end up looking after you! You dont know.

You don't sound like someone who knows how to be happy. I think less therapy and endlessly talking through a choice you are equally split on the positives and negatives of both outcomes. Both your A and B choices are equally bad due to your own mindset.

Try some meditation or mindfulness app. Stop the intrusive thoughts. Give yourself a 5 year plan. Make a positive choice rather than a passive one for once. Don't marry because it sounds like you don't want to right now. But maybe the time is right to have another dc. You have found a man who is a good dad. This is not to be sniffed at. Please don't leave and create a blended family shitty set up for your ds because you're worried its not going to be enough in 15 years.

I'm the same age as my DH and whilst I expect to grow old with him there is no guarantee. We are in our 40s and physical attraction was never the basis of our relationship but we have a strong friendship and I pretty much hung on to him from 21 as I knew he was good father and husband material. If I spent my time thinking about the road not travelled I'd go crazy!

I think you need to realise that the perfect person doesn't exist. All the relationships you look at and are jealous of have their ups and downs.

Stay off social media: you might have friends packaging up their best version of their life but its not real.

@Dishwashersaurous

But if you actually loved him then you would not compare him to other men, irrespective of their age.

I objectively know that my husband is not the most attractive man in the world . But to me he is, because of the whole package and how much I love him. I never look at other men and think they are more attractive and wonder who I'm most physically attracted to.

The fact that you do is concrete evidence that you don't love him and for his sake please don't marry him.

Was going to say something similar.

I was not attracted to my dh in the least when we first met, but now I think he is the most handsome man in the world and couldn’t imagine ever being attracted to anyone else. If you loved him you would not be comparing him to your friends partners and finding him lacking. That’s not to say you should leave, you just need to decide if you can live with settling, and tbh with a child I probably would.

Dishwashersaurous
"But if you actually loved him then you would not compare him to other men, irrespective of their age.

The fact that you do is concrete evidence that you don't love him"

I actually think that's really bad advice. Please don't beat yourself up with that particular stick OP.

Sure, some people do find that happens. Fwiw, I don't notice men other than my DH either, and never have really. But I have had enough conversations with female friends to realise that it's not universal or necessary or even some kind of ideal. Still noticing other attractive people and choosing not to act on it because you love your partner is perfectly valid. Wonder whether you'd expect the same blinkers from a man

Good God, I love my husband to bits but I'm absolutely attracted to other men. I'm sure he's attracted to other women too. We're married, not dead.

@CirclesWithinCircles - what a strange post. The OP is not asking whether she should stay with a crappy, substandard man, but agonising whether there is someone better out there. So she is still looking for a man. And presumably a good-looking, financially comfortable one at that.

And, in case you’ve missed it, there is a third person in this situation - the child. You may think it “biased against women” to suggest the OP stays with a not ideal dp, but it is definitely biased against the child to suggest that it’s all fine and dandy to ditch their otherwise fine apart from their age father in order to pursue the dream of a mythical romantic movie hero.

I've thought about it a lot and I think I'm struggling to admit it but deep down I know the truth. I love him but I'm not in love with him. I can't picture myself marrying him. He doesn't feel right. I just desperately want him to as we have a family