Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 10 11 12

Original poster

To ask which life you'd choose here?

294 replies

crossrhodes · 07/05/2021 10:42

A. Stay in gorgeous home, with lovely DH and our shared DC and make the most of family life, a comfortable financial situation and continue with counselling to put all anxieties about the age gap to rest once and for all and just enjoy whatever time we do have, deal with the future when it happens. Knowing that if it does all go wrong, you had however many years with your family and you have amazing kids and a lovely home to be grateful for. Accept that anything could happen, we could end up divorcing for totally different reasons and that I shouldn't try and pre empt something that may not happen

B. Admit that it's only going to get worse with age, that the age gap is going to become more and more noticeable like I have read on mumsnet way too many times, and that having to start fresh now, as a single mum, moving into a flat is the more painful option now, but not in the long run as you no longer have to worry about age gap catching up with you and are young enough to find someone your own age to avoid these problems about the future, even if that person isn't the father of my child.

I'm terrified by both option at the moment. I did post a while back, my original post explaining how this relationship came about is explained in more detail there, but ultimately this is the question I have to answer.

OP posts:

CirclesWithinCircles · 08/05/2021 12:30

@crossrhodes

I've thought about it a lot and I think I'm struggling to admit it but deep down I know the truth. I love him but I'm not in love with him. I can't picture myself marrying him. He doesn't feel right. I just desperately want him to as we have a family

It sounds to me as if you are quite likely to leave as soon as you meet someone else you are attracted to anyway.

People split up and meet new partners all the time. Sacrificing your personal happiness because you have a child with someone isn't a great idea.

You've been very good about not saying anything negative about your partner.

IrmaFayLear · 08/05/2021 12:34

Could you leave your child, OP? Or contemplate the 50/50 sharing? Because your scenario will not include you, new man and child (+ more) forming a new little family. Your dp will be in your child’s life. You cannot write him out and wish he hadn’t happened.

Leave if that is your only option, but, as many pp have observed, you seem the type of person who will be torturing yourself over your decision if you don’t meet Prince Charming, or if Prince Charming turns out to have a couple of faults.

TSSDNCOP · 08/05/2021 12:38

Well that's the crux of it. You are not in love with a person that you are planning to marry.

You should not marry and should likely start considering a future apart. He will still feature in your future regardless given you have a child.

rebeccachoc · 08/05/2021 12:45

Definitely A. I've had an 18 year age gap since I was very young and we've been together over 21 years. The age gap has never been a problem, but I am scared when I end up losing him because I've been with him more of my life than I've been without him.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/05/2021 16:06

@crossrhodes

I don't know what I'd do in your shoes, because I'd hate to lose the kids 50% but the morally right thing is honesty. You shouldn't commit to someone you aren't in love with. He deserves more, as do you.

ZenNudist · 09/05/2021 09:09

I love him but I'm not in love with him dont kid yourself. Sorry to be harsh but I always think this phrase is meaningless. I think you mean you don't love him enough but wouldn't want to put words in your mouth.

If you mean that you aren't gooey eyed heart pounding In love you need to get a grip. In love is fleeting. Love is what remains and is what gets you through.

Original poster

crossrhodes · 09/05/2021 10:24

I just don't feel in love. I feel disconnected from him, I feel like we're a good family but not a good couple. We've had a really honest conversation and agreed to give it everything we've got for 6 months, both make more effort and if we aren't happy then we end it then. As someone suggested upthread, so thank you for the help.

OP posts:

puppup25 · 10/05/2021 16:44

I'm nearly 50, husband nearly 80. Obviously I was 20 when we met. It's only ever been an issue to other people, not to us.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 15/05/2021 06:33

Thanks for the two that helpfully pointed out I’d written wrong…I meant early 80’s-it was an innocent typo-I was putting late 70’s and realised he wasn’t he was very early 80’s but didn’t correct properly.

For the poster that said I was trying to feed into OPs fears….do fuck off dear. She asked for opinions and I’ve spoken to my mum enough to know that she regrets it now. They’ve been married since 1994…the age gap wasn’t a problem to her then.

MarkUp · 15/05/2021 06:38

I know quite a few couple with a 15 year age gap. Nothing noticeable.

DH is 10 years older than me. We are fine.

steff13 · 15/05/2021 06:49

Anxiety lies to you

Bythemillpond · 15/05/2021 07:33

The age gap is a red herring.

Dh is only a few years older than me but could be decades older in his attitude and I see it getting worse the older we get.
I know marriages that last with decades difference in age because the older one is very young for their age and it doesn’t seem like an age gap at all

I was working with a guy yesterday who was running and bouncing around getting work done and having a great time and generally acting like someone who was half his chronological age
I have friends the same age who act like they have one foot in the grave and who’s conversation is and always has been about retirement and dying and when they can give up work to sit and listen to the cricket and potter around the house. Even when they were in their teens and twenties and going to clubs and doing what other young people did there was always that feeling they were a lot older than their years.

People’s fundamental personalities don’t change with age.

I don't think the age gap is the issue I think that money is.
If this guy could only provide you with what you could get on your own you wouldn’t be with him.
You love him but are not in live with him but you also love the lifestyle he can provide and deep down you know it and the struggle isn’t about whether you stay or go but whether you can live in a flat and take away from your children’s lives the type of upbringing most people would love to give their children.

You can have therapy till you are old and grey and still not come up with an answer

I think you are young and haven’t had any chance to realise that the world is a very harsh place. I think everything has fallen into your lap and you don’t realise just how hard things can become on your own with 2 children.

It is all very well your friend saying you can get another man to be father to your children but what if you don’t.
What if you lose your job and can’t find another
Lots of things can go wrong or not fall into your lap. I have enough friends who left their marriages and divorced in their 20s and early 30s and are still single in their 40s and 50s. resigned to never finding someone else
They have been on enough dates to realise that there are so many nutters and creeps out there that unless it is by introduction or just a chance meeting they are never going to get married.or share their lives with anyone else.

I think you need to come to terms with the fact either like a lot of people you stay and make the most of the family you have. I would say very few people after children and living together for a few years are in love with their partner/husband. There is love but not the in love bit
Or go and hope things work out the way you want them to but there is no guarantees

If your mother was so unhappy she would have divorced your father but I think the reason why she stays has more to do with finances and knowing how hard life can be on your own

Countrycode · 15/05/2021 08:45

Reads as though you "settled" you don't love him in the way you might have loved someone else. Sounds like it's one of those "he's so lovely to me and a great dad I've become very fond of him" sort of love.

If you really loved him I doubt this would be a question as you'd just thank your lucky stars you found him regardless of the circumstances.

You're settling. Many do and it works out ok and there's no guarantee you'd be happier as a single mum and all the stresses that brings but you're not living an "authentic life" as the Americans say (that's why you're having these constant niggles) and I think that takes a toll... tough choice I'm not sure what I'd do as it's very hard when there's DC involved.

ladygindiva · 15/05/2021 08:53

Option A. And sorry to put a morbid spin on things but a friends parents had a 20 odd year age gap and were very happy until she ( the younger partner)sadly got ill and died at 50. A few years on and he, pushing 80 now, is still fairly sprightly and enjoys life, gardening, walking, seeing grandchildren etc. I would live in the now if I were you instead of making assumptions about the future.

ladygindiva · 15/05/2021 08:55

But if you aren't in love with him that makes a difference.

Countrycode · 15/05/2021 09:00

Sorry just saw your update. I thought as much. You should leave. Best of luck in the future

Newmumatlast · 15/05/2021 09:33

@Merryoldgoat

Yes - my mum and her partner had the same gap and she had the same comments. She dropped dead completely unexpectedly at 40. Her old partner is still going strong at 80.

Absolutely this and I would chose A. 15 years isn't that much. Do you have kids together or are they his children? If you have kids together I personally think it would be really irresponsible to them to leave their dad just because he is older, a fact you knew when you met before having them, just because of something that could happen which again you should already have realised. Your OP suggests there's nothing else wrong with the relationship so why would you make your and their situation worse?

Newmumatlast · 15/05/2021 09:34

@crossrhodes

Just seen this which wasn't in your OP yet is really really relevant! If you aren't in love and don't think that would change then yes, better to separate now and build a better life separately both of you. In the long run that would be better for.you both and the kids

coffeefi · 15/05/2021 09:45

Live in the moment

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 10 11 12

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.