To ask which life you'd choose here?

[crossrhodes]

A. Stay in gorgeous home, with lovely DH and our shared DC and make the most of family life, a comfortable financial situation and continue with counselling to put all anxieties about the age gap to rest once and for all and just enjoy whatever time we do have, deal with the future when it happens. Knowing that if it does all go wrong, you had however many years with your family and you have amazing kids and a lovely home to be grateful for. Accept that anything could happen, we could end up divorcing for totally different reasons and that I shouldn't try and pre empt something that may not happen

B. Admit that it's only going to get worse with age, that the age gap is going to become more and more noticeable like I have read on mumsnet way too many times, and that having to start fresh now, as a single mum, moving into a flat is the more painful option now, but not in the long run as you no longer have to worry about age gap catching up with you and are young enough to find someone your own age to avoid these problems about the future, even if that person isn't the father of my child.

I'm terrified by both option at the moment. I did post a while back, my original post explaining how this relationship came about is explained in more detail there, but ultimately this is the question I have to answer.

You sound like you are working through a lot of things and seem very confused right now (not being rude, many people are at some point) - so whatever you do - do not leave your relationship or make any other drastic decisions right now. It’s also a super dangerous time to come on forums and ask for the opinions of strangers - you are looking for answers right now, and will be too easily influenced.

Be patient and work through things for yourself with your therapist. It would be crackers to leave a good relationship because of a not-massive age gap which may or may not cause trouble in the future (and the mere fact you were considering it shows you are in a confused place). However if you decide you don’t love him that is different - then by all means come on here and ask about the practicalities of single motherhood.

Right now - do nothing - in your current state of mind it’s the wisest course of action.

Anything can happen for any reason really ,thats the thing.15 years is a reasonable age gap its true ,but if you love someone it doesnt seem so huge .Even if you get divorced you will not necessarily be happier with a younger man .Did you get married very young ? Sometimes you can feel as though you have missed out on your youth .However it is difficult to recapture at 30 with DC. If you have a comfortable life together and he is a good DH/DF that counts for a lot .Maybe start planning some evenings out together as things reopen .Supper out with a movie or Theatre visit ,a weekend away,seeing friends .I think you will feel happier if you can make plans .

15 years is not a lot. My parents had a 25 year age gap, my mum died in her 40’s and father lived into his 80s. You can’t predict what happens or spend your whole life avoiding relationships just in case.

Is there any possibility to do a 'trial separation' or would this signal the end to him and be just too big a step/cause too many issues. It could be a good insight into what life would be like without him being a constant presence. I think as well the more you try to chase 'happiness' the more you are telling yourself you aren't happy and i'm saying this as a general thing not just you. Life is quite routine. Do you work? have hobbies? I think someone asked this but didn't spot a reply yet. Just because your setup sounds like 'ideal' to the outside world but you have to do what you feel is right even if it may be difficult and could make others unhappy. I'm an over-thinker and we are our own worst enemies really. There is no need to feel so burdened and confused when you could be enjoying life with your kids and with or without your partner. His life isn't yours and its obvious you care for him a lot but don't let that rule your life.

A and get a job.

Honestly OP many many relationships break up whether there is an age gap or not.

People don’t leave their partner, who they are happy with and have kids with, because something might go wrong in the future.

The issue here is you (meant kindly). You seem like you’re in a place mentally where you will find something to worry about no matter what. If you were with a 30 year old man who liked the odd drink you’d be worrying he’s going to become an alcoholic. If you were with a 30 year old man who was from another country you’d be worrying he would want to go back there. Etc. No relationship is guaranteed not to develop issues.

Yes there is a chance the age gap will become an issue. But there is also a huge chance it won’t. You have read lots of age gap unhappiness stories on the web... but people who are happy don’t post. This is you overthinking. As others have said, go get busy living.

But literally ANYTHING could happen at any age, to anyone. If I think of my parents and my DH's parents, for eg. When they were all alive, you would have said that the women were more healthy. They are both now dead from cancer - DH's Mum was only 61 when she passed. We would never have thought that our Dad's would outlive our Mum's.

Now, if you compare the 2 Dad's :

DH's dad is 73 - fit as a fiddle. Looks about 65. Knocks down walls when renovating, walks for miles every day, lifts weights, is currently planning a trip to South Africa to do a safari. Sharp as a pin. Uses internet, smart phone, Apps, Ebay, Facebook etc.

My dad is 79 - immobile due to his weight. Goes around on a mobility scooter. Looks really old. Can't walk half a mile. Forgets stuff. Has forgotten how to e-mail. Can't use the internet any more. Gets confused over things that are simple. Sleeps most of the day.

My point is, you could find that in 20 years time, your partner is a very fit 65 and you might be a poorly 50 year old.

So, in my opinion, you'd be insane to throw away a good life for no reason other than fear of the unknown and just in case he ages badly. Bonkers. And quite insulting for your DP as well!

There was an 18 year age gap between my parents, but my mum (younger) died first. Count your blessings and make the most of the time you have here.

It is a little odd to be 'anti age-gaps' generally...

But a lot of what you're talking about sounds more like regret at settling down when you did, rather than the age gap. If he were the same age, do you think you'd still be thinking about your alternative life you could have had?

@therearenogoodusernamesleft

It is a little odd to be 'anti age-gaps' generally...

But a lot of what you're talking about sounds more like regret at settling down when you did, rather than the age gap. If he were the same age, do you think you'd still be thinking about your alternative life you could have had?

Very few men in their early twenties want to settle down, have a baby and get a mortgage within a year of meeting.

I still think that the OP could be discussing this with her DP (sorry, I think I said DH earlier). An alternative solution would be to discuss it with her divorce lawyer, but I've realised she isn't married. A lawyer would of course tell her she would be much more financially cushioned from splitting up if she were married, if that is indeed what is worrying her.

I agree, it doesn't feel like a large age gap, at this age.

As you get older the difference shrinks relatively speaking.

If you knew the difference when you met why does it bother you now? you are both still young. If you love him stay with him...

OP, look into Pure OCD and intrusive thoughts.

Hmmm

Life is unpredictable - recently 3 families I know have lost a parent in each case the parent that died was late 30's/early 40s with young children. The surviving parents lost the person they loved and the parent of their children. It was devastating to each of those families. The couples were the same age.
No one knows what will happen. Some people age well and are climbing mountains in their 80's, some people don't age well and are elderly at 60.
Your partner could be energetic at 80 while you are frail at 65.With love you take it how it comes.
IF you love him enjoy your life and don't worry about the unknowns of the future. You could be knocked over by a bus tomorrow.
If you are not happy being with him - then split up. Remain civil for the childs sake and allow you both the chance of a happy life.
He deserves to be with someone that truly loves him.

I get the over thinking as we can all get lost in our heads on times. But it is really simple ....

Happy and in love - stay together
Unhappy and not in love - split up

Don't go looking on any forums and social media,for any advice on your situation or problems. I would hope that a modern woman, could use her common sense,to reach a conclusion regarding her plight in life;

To be,or not to be, you have to make your own choices.

Is giving up therapy advisable, is my only concern, surely trying to work through these things is better than ignoring them?

But do you actually work through them? I spent some time in therapy in my 30s, trying to sort out what was going wrong with my life. Three different therapists in the end. Really not worth the time and money spent.

I gained a few insights, but wasted hours tussling with things from the past that were not relevant to my present life. And most importantly (with hindsight), I couldn't get my life together while I was focusing on that.

The only therapy that helped me was the cognitive-behaviour style, CBT, looking at practical methods of dealing with present problems.

OP, do try either a short course of CBT or something similar, no more than three months maximum. Or give up therapy altogether for a while and focus on living in the moment, enjoying the good life you have now instead of catastrophising about the future.

There is a 30 year age gap between myself and my husband and we've been together for 27 years. We're very happy and don't have external pressures such as children, financial worries etc which maybe makes things a little easier. Yes, it's not easy as he gets older but try to remember the reasons why you fell in love with him in the first place - are they still relevant? If so, stick with it, if not walk away

I think what you really want isn’t an option- you want to have met someone your own age in the beginning, and had the children and house and relationship that you have now, but with a younger man. That’s not possible and you need to let it go.

When you think about leaving your DP and starting a new life, what does it look like? How does it feel? Are you picturing being with someone pretty much exactly like your partner but younger, or are you imagining enjoying some freedom and space to yourself? Do you feel scared or relieved?

I can’t really imagine being with anyone other than my partner, partly because I love him to bits, but partly because he’s my daughter’s dad, and he’s a really good dad. Even living in a mansion with Jason Momoa isn’t that appealing an alternative, because Jason isn’t my DDs dad and our little family unit wouldn’t be the same.

Eeek! My DH is ten years younger than me. I find this thread slightly scary if I am honest. If you love him then the age gap should not matter IMHO. There should be no reason you cannot do all of the things you want to. Having kids means in the short term you may not get to travel and do everything you want, but this would have been the case even if your DH was younger. Please think carefully. One thing you can definitely find from Mumsnet is that there are an awful lot of really horrible men out there and the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Wtf? I can't understand what is going on here? Bloody hell, just live your life in your loving secure set up. It wouldn't have even occurred to me that there was any kind of 'age gap', let alone a problem because of it. I'd unsubscribe from Mumsnet if I were you.

@puppup25 what age are you now?

@crossrhodes I remember your other thread. You didn’t sound happy at all in your other thread.

@crossrhodes you're focusing on the wrong thing

You're saying should I stay with DP because one day he'll be old and I won't.

What you need to do is stop future catastrophising and focus on now.

Do you love him?
Do you fancy him?
Is you think about him leaving / you leaving how do you feel?
When he talks about more babies how do you feel?
When he talks about the wedding how do you feel?
Where would you like life to be in 5 years time?

I had a moment like this (although nothing to do with age gap - just had a sudden moment of "is this the right person for me? Could I do better?") I was moving overseas to be with him so really needed to make a decision. I read a book called "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" by Lundy Bancroft - which is really about volatile relationships and quite horrible men - but I still found it helpful, because after reading this I realised my partner is actually a GREAT person and does none of the horrible things described in the book. I guess it just sort of put everything into context for me.

After reading that, I realised that I am pretty lucky to have some so awesome, even if not perfect. It sort of gave me a context to decide whether to stay or go. Maybe give it a read and see if it helps you decide. Maybe it'll help you feel like you have "permission" to stay. I think the age thing is a red herring and you need to think about the relationship as a whole - since it's not a huge age gap and won't necessarily cause problems in the future at all. You've just got stuck on that one aspect and are obsessing.

Have to say, eight years after taking the book out of the library and seven years married... I've never regretted my decision.

I feel sorry for the bloke. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if dh was in therapy, talking to friends and family (as OP says she has done relentlessly) and posting on a forum debating whether to stick with me.

If he knows about all of this he must love the OP very much and also be the most laid-back person of all time. In which case I would definitely say he’s a keeper!