To ask which life you'd choose here?

[crossrhodes]

A. Stay in gorgeous home, with lovely DH and our shared DC and make the most of family life, a comfortable financial situation and continue with counselling to put all anxieties about the age gap to rest once and for all and just enjoy whatever time we do have, deal with the future when it happens. Knowing that if it does all go wrong, you had however many years with your family and you have amazing kids and a lovely home to be grateful for. Accept that anything could happen, we could end up divorcing for totally different reasons and that I shouldn't try and pre empt something that may not happen

B. Admit that it's only going to get worse with age, that the age gap is going to become more and more noticeable like I have read on mumsnet way too many times, and that having to start fresh now, as a single mum, moving into a flat is the more painful option now, but not in the long run as you no longer have to worry about age gap catching up with you and are young enough to find someone your own age to avoid these problems about the future, even if that person isn't the father of my child.

I'm terrified by both option at the moment. I did post a while back, my original post explaining how this relationship came about is explained in more detail there, but ultimately this is the question I have to answer.

maybe stop reading MH ? crazy

My friends and family are sick to death of hearing it I think. None of them are in similar relationships and are all with someone similar ages to themselves, however. They all just see him for who he is, which is admittedly a great person and father and they just don't understand why I'm doubting it. They say I've hit the jackpot. I find it hard though as I don't feel like they can really understand my anxieties when none of them will face anything similar with their same age partners.

@Babyroobs

maybe stop reading MH ? crazy

MN

I think that you should leave for his sake.

You were willing to marry him even with the doubts you have-what has he done to deserve that?

I pay for my own therapy. I'm not sure why that's relevant. The therapy isn't to help me stay with him, it's to help me see clearly what is going on in my head and make a decision either way. It's to work on my anxiety. It's to help me accept things that happened.

I’m really not understanding. How is a 15 year age gap this much of a worry. You’ve always known he was 15 years older, so why does it bother you now? You’ve had a child with him and clearly love or loved him at some point.

I suspect something else has changed the dynamic of your relationship and that’s what you should be focusing on, not an age gap.

If this is just about the age gap then I think you are really overthinking things. 15 years is hardly anything.

I think you should get off MN if these age gap comments you are referring to affect you that much.

I think you just need to ask yourself does he make me happy?

Well, you must be stonkingly attractive to assume that if you bin your dh there will be a parade of eligible young men beating a path to your front door.

Given your posts, I’d bet a lottery win that you’d be sitting there as a single mother scrolling through endless dating apps full of losers and players and kicking yourself that you’d swapped a perfectly decent man and father of your dc for this.

In The Men and the Girls by Joanna Trollope someone does indeed dump their older partner for an exciting young man. Unfortunately the “old” partner doesn’t want her back when she realises the grass wasn’t all that greener....

@diddl

I think that you should leave for his sake.

You were willing to marry him even with the doubts you have-what has he done to deserve that?

Been a good person, partner and father. I obviously won't marry him whilst I'm in such a split mind but back when I wasn't thinking so much and was just living it was the next step and felt right. I'm not trying to do anything to hurt him or waste his time. I'm trying to figure this all out quickly so we can move on either way. I'm really trying

I think you're wanting permission to leave him, tbh. Fifteen years is a huge difference and you are in the golden years where there isn't such a mismatch. Ten years ago it would have been enormous. In ten years' time it will be enormous, too.

@HollowTalk

I think you're wanting permission to leave him, tbh. Fifteen years is a huge difference and you are in the golden years where there isn't such a mismatch. Ten years ago it would have been enormous. In ten years' time it will be enormous, too.

This is exactly what I'm worried about. Comments like these. It makes me feel like I need to get out now or suffer the consequences in my future

Honestly, I think you have an overly romantic view of what a longterm relationship is like. If you have survived a baby together, still love each other and still feel like you are a team then you are doing OK.

I wonder if you are more mourning for what you thought your life would be like when you were young? Adult life can be pretty mundane and quite a slog a lot of the time.

I wouldn't be too quick to throw away a good relationship.

I don't think an age gap of 15 years is a problem if you love the person and have common interests (in addition to the children).
I know a lovely couple with a 25 year old age gap. He's 80 now and they are still very much in love and do so much together. He's still fit and active.
A relative of mine married someone 15 years older and until about 5 years ago they had the life of riley - skiing, climbing mountains, city breaks etcetc. He was incredibly fit etcetc. Then at the age of 68 or so he became ill with cancer and is unable to do any of those things any more. She is dealing with it as best she can. I suppose you could say the age gap caught up with them but cancer could strike anyone at any time.

If you are happy now and love him now you should stay. Anything could happen in the future. It might be you who unfortunately becomes ill and less mobile while he remains fit.
You might die before him in an accident or something (I'm sorry OP if this sounds morbid and of course, I really hope nothing like this happens). What I'm saying is that this scenario of you being 60 and still full of get-up-and-go and him being an "old man" at 75 might never happen.

In addition to that you could leave him and find yourself a 30 year old who after 5 years or so becomes old before his time, hangs around the house watching TV, doesn't want to do anything etc. (I had one of those when I was 32 and he was 34 and it was so depressing).
You could get together with a fit and healthy 30 year old who becomes ill with a life-changing illness after just a few years together and you then need to do a lot of the care for him yourself, therefore changing your life completely too. You could end up in a situation like this for 40 years.

Absolutely anything could happen, no matter whether you stay or go. What matters is how you feel now. If you love him and are happy you should stay and face any problems as they arise.
If you know that you don't love him then you should go.

Have you tried/thought about couples counselling? You seem to see it all as about you coming to terms with the age gap and your expectations, but if the relationship was perfect would that be an issue? Maybe you need to explore this together. He might not have any doubts, but it's still a joint responsibility to make sure that it's working for both of you.

My father in law was 14 years older than his wife. They were happily married for many many years without any issue at all. We always expected that she would be on her own later in life given the age gap and the fact that women generally outlive men. But she got an aggressive cancer in her mid 70s and he is now on his own aged 87. You can’t plan these things. You really should just live your life. If you love him and your life, stay. If not, then let him find a new life for himself.

There is a 12 year gap between Dh & I and I am still in my 20s. I don’t have all the anxieties you do about the age gap. I think you’re just trying to talk yourself out of the relationship and find excuses. If you want to leave then just leave. You’re making this far more complicated than it needs to be.

Im in your situation (14 year age gap, house, child etc) and tbh i would pick A.

i'd be lying if i said it had never occured to me, but who knows what might happen.

The issue here is that i love my dp, i do fancy him and i dont have doubts, it sounds to me like maybe you do?

In which case you need to do what is right for you, but honestly the grass is not always greener.

Is there something else? An abusive upbringing or bad relationship past? Or, and be honest, have you had your head turned? I ask because you seem to be analysing this way more than you need to. You have a child, you love him, you are attracted to him, you are friends and have deep feelings. Nothing is wrong now. You might leave him, stay a single parent, and never meet anyone good enough again. You might meet all that and ten years younger. You don't know. What you do know is your child has a stable home filled with love now, and you are talking maybes about breaking that because what? You might be unhappy later? Something doesn't add up. Are you looking for a reason to leave for someone else?

Fwiw, there's a similar gap between my parents. They've been married for coming up 46 years and are still the happiest couple I know. My mum wasn't pregnant but there were some other reasons why she went through through with it (she was living with an abusive gay man and was sorely lacking a father figure) and worried so much about age she nearly didn't go through with it. They still ring each other about 8 times a day when apart, cuddle on the sofa in front of the telly, go out for romantic meals and you would never know there was any doubt or that there is much age gap. It doesn't have to be a disaster!

Given your posts, I’d bet a lottery win that you’d be sitting there as a single mother scrolling through endless dating apps full of losers and players and kicking yourself that you’d swapped a perfectly decent man and father of your dc for this

Yup, there's some absolute dross out there on dating apps.

One of the things I'm working on with my therapist is whether I really love him or whether I am subconsciously making the best of the hand I got dealt

Sorry op but you didn't get dealt this. You chose it. You chose to have sex with him. You chose to keep the baby. You have chosen to have more DC with him (I think?). You have chosen to be with him. You don't love this man, despite his obvious excellent qualities, and you believe that there is something better out there for you. Whether or not there is, mumsnet can't tell you and neither can your therapist.

The thing is Op, what if none of what you're worried about happens?

What if he is active, interesting and lives a really full life until his 90's and you on the other hand end up ill or disabled?

You just dont know. Literally anything could happen, and if we all dwelled on that i think the suicide rate would be pretty high.

Think about what you want NOW because 30 years time isnt guarenteed.

Option A. Without a doubt. It’s easier to have fun and enjoy your life when you have stability and financially better off.

Just because his older it means nothing. I know 30 year olds who go nowhere and want to do nothing. However you can with option A even if he doesn’t because his too old, as I assume he wouldn’t stop you going out and about.

This really sounds like anxiety OP. It seems you are happy with him, but then thrown into a panic whenever you read a negative comment about an age gap.

@LimpLettice

Is there something else? An abusive upbringing or bad relationship past? Or, and be honest, have you had your head turned? I ask because you seem to be analysing this way more than you need to. You have a child, you love him, you are attracted to him, you are friends and have deep feelings. Nothing is wrong now. You might leave him, stay a single parent, and never meet anyone good enough again. You might meet all that and ten years younger. You don't know. What you do know is your child has a stable home filled with love now, and you are talking maybes about breaking that because what? You might be unhappy later? Something doesn't add up. Are you looking for a reason to leave for someone else?

Fwiw, there's a similar gap between my parents. They've been married for coming up 46 years and are still the happiest couple I know. My mum wasn't pregnant but there were some other reasons why she went through through with it (she was living with an abusive gay man and was sorely lacking a father figure) and worried so much about age she nearly didn't go through with it. They still ring each other about 8 times a day when apart, cuddle on the sofa in front of the telly, go out for romantic meals and you would never know there was any doubt or that there is much age gap. It doesn't have to be a disaster!

I had parents that very obviously should of divorced but never did and are still unhappily married to this day but that's about it. I do worry about ending up like them. I'm not sure if that would be enough to cause all of this. I don't know if this is just how I am, anxious and an over thinker.

We have the same age gap, but are a bit further down the line than you.

I’m 47, he’s 62. He’s my best friend, we have a great sex life, have loads in common and he runs 5k three times a week and is in great health.

I know what you mean about the comments on here. They used to get to me, too, so now I mostly hide threads on the topic.

Just enjoy your relationship, or don’t, but don’t blame the age gap.