To ask which life you'd choose here?

[crossrhodes]

A. Stay in gorgeous home, with lovely DH and our shared DC and make the most of family life, a comfortable financial situation and continue with counselling to put all anxieties about the age gap to rest once and for all and just enjoy whatever time we do have, deal with the future when it happens. Knowing that if it does all go wrong, you had however many years with your family and you have amazing kids and a lovely home to be grateful for. Accept that anything could happen, we could end up divorcing for totally different reasons and that I shouldn't try and pre empt something that may not happen

B. Admit that it's only going to get worse with age, that the age gap is going to become more and more noticeable like I have read on mumsnet way too many times, and that having to start fresh now, as a single mum, moving into a flat is the more painful option now, but not in the long run as you no longer have to worry about age gap catching up with you and are young enough to find someone your own age to avoid these problems about the future, even if that person isn't the father of my child.

I'm terrified by both option at the moment. I did post a while back, my original post explaining how this relationship came about is explained in more detail there, but ultimately this is the question I have to answer.

@crossrhodes

My friends and family are sick to death of hearing it I think. None of them are in similar relationships and are all with someone similar ages to themselves, however. They all just see him for who he is, which is admittedly a great person and father and they just don't understand why I'm doubting it. They say I've hit the jackpot. I find it hard though as I don't feel like they can really understand my anxieties when none of them will face anything similar with their same age partners.

How sad that getting a man is seen as "hitting the jackpot", as if there's no greater achievement in life for a woman.

Do you work OP? How's your career? Do you have any hobbies, or things that youre talented at?

It might be that changing your life means ridding yourself of the anxiety and the need for therapy.

Or perhaps there is something about this man that makes your concerns relevant. What makes you attracted to him and what makes you an anxious about him? Does he physically look a lot older than you? Does he have a lot of baggage from past relationships that you'd rather not deal with?

FOMO has a lot to answer for - not just in this scenerio but in many others.

Every single decision you ever make will result in you "missing out" on the alternative. That's the nature of decisions.

You are missing out on life with someone your own age. If you'd chosen someone your own age you be missing out on life with someone older.

I also agree with pp: this is not the hand you've been dealt and viewing it as something you were pushed into can't help.

Of course you're only seeing posts on mn about how the age difference is a problem - firstly, few people would start a thread along the lines of "there is an age gap but it makes no difference at all" plus you're worrying about this means you will notice/be attracted to those threads more than others.

The reality is that your happiness is within your own gift. So rather than blame an age gp - simply ask 'do I love this person today? Do I want to be with them today?'

Sufficient unto the day and all that

@IrmaFayLear

Well, you must be stonkingly attractive to assume that if you bin your dh there will be a parade of eligible young men beating a path to your front door.

Given your posts, I’d bet a lottery win that you’d be sitting there as a single mother scrolling through endless dating apps full of losers and players and kicking yourself that you’d swapped a perfectly decent man and father of your dc for this.

In The Men and the Girls by Joanna Trollope someone does indeed dump their older partner for an exciting young man. Unfortunately the “old” partner doesn’t want her back when she realises the grass wasn’t all that greener....

I do worry about this. My closest friend keeps saying she hopes we can work it out but if I'm going to leave I should do it now whilst I'm young and attractive and wouldn't struggle to move on, and whilst the same applies to him. I'm definitely not a model by any means, but her words do play on my mind a bit, I'll admit.

@BeastOfBODMAS

Option A. Christ. You say nothing has gone wrong yet. Don’t burn down your whole life because of what some randoms on the internet say. Perhaps take a break from forums/social media.

This^

People on mn mainly want advice on their problems, that's why you're getting a skewed idea of relationships.
Count your blessings, op.

@IrmaFayLear

Well, you must be stonkingly attractive to assume that if you bin your dh there will be a parade of eligible young men beating a path to your front door.

Given your posts, I’d bet a lottery win that you’d be sitting there as a single mother scrolling through endless dating apps full of losers and players and kicking yourself that you’d swapped a perfectly decent man and father of your dc for this.

In The Men and the Girls by Joanna Trollope someone does indeed dump their older partner for an exciting young man. Unfortunately the “old” partner doesn’t want her back when she realises the grass wasn’t all that greener....

I think even in Gilead, women are allowed to work and divorce, no?

Plenty of women leave unsatisfactory relationships and meet someone they're happier with. I agree that OLD now is perhaps best avoided if you don't want to waste time sifting through endless dross though! But you can hardly meet someone else if you're not single.

The OP is only 30 and there's still plenty of single men her own age out there for her.

You should probably leave him to allow him to find someone who deserves him. Honestly the drama you suggested about the circumstances under which you met made me think he had been your teacher.

What will you do if you meet an attractive 35 year old on tinder, get married then he develops a devastating illness that requires him to need 24 hour care or if he is brain injured in an accident?

For better or worse, in sickness and in health I’m not sure you are ready to be in a relationship of these are your worries.

@CirclesWithinCircles yes and many of them with kids, i would take an age gap over an ex wife any day of the week!

Just stop thinking and enjoy your life.

Don't do the wedding and tell yourself that you won't even think about the relationship future for three years.

Then just enjoy yourself without an internal monologue about the future.

Stop the therapy as its not helping.

Then just enjoy life

I am 12 years older than my partner. We've been together for 25 years. Yes my health isn't great now and restricts me a lot, but we are doing good and neither of us could imagine being with anyone else. I don't think there's anything 'inevitable' about an age-gap relationship eventually breaking down. Any relationship can break down! Enjoy your time together, you never know what the future holds, and you can't bank on meeting someone else who is the 'right age' whatever that is!

How many ways are you going to ask the same question? You had tons of responses/advice on your last thread. I don’t know what’s left to say.

If Option 1 means you are requiring counselling then it’s not a situation I would want to be in.

I’m 38 and really couldn’t imagine being with a 53 year old man....

I do think 15 years is a big age gap, maybe not initially but I do agree that the gulf widens as time passes.

Do you love him?

I chose B for myself and have never looked back.

We had an age gap of less than 10 years but as we got older, that felt like it got bigger and bigger.

I think at your age the age gap isn't such a big problem, especially if he is quite young at heart, but when you are 40 and he is 55 I think it will be more noticeable - however none of that really matters as no-one knows what the future holds. We may all be wiped out by an asteroid in 5 years time! If you are generally happy then I'd choose option A. Especially as you have a child together - no man will prioritise and love a child like their own father (if they are a decent kind of man), and there is no guarantee you would find someone your own age anyway. Try and live in the moment a bit more and enjoy your life.

I don't think you love him and I don't think you're attracted to him. Up to you if you can live with that as a marriage. My massive advice would be Leave now. It'll only get worse.

yes I've been in similar situation

Just out of interest - what is a big age gap? 10+ years?

I do worry about this. My closest friend keeps saying she hopes we can work it out but if I'm going to leave I should do it now whilst I'm young and attractive and wouldn't struggle to move on, and whilst the same applies to him. I'm definitely not a model by any means, but her words do play on my mind a bit, I'll admit.

This is madness. Sorry but your posts have got more and more strange. What are you going to do if you find your youth and attractiveness cannot bag you a better partner than the one you've got? Or what if you find yourself a 36 year old looker but he turns out to be disrespectful and doesn't care a jot about your DC? You don't know what else is out there I doubt there's a perfect man just waiting somewhere. Your DH sounds like a really nice guy who dotes on his children and is kind and caring towards you. There is a lot to be said for that.

Do you suffer from intrusive thoughts with your anxiety? It could just be that, rather than you not loving him. A kind of pure obsession about it where the thought just goes over and over. Some people have it around cleaning, or worrying their kids will die. Some people have it about relationships

Lots of people get divorced or should do though, op, for so many reasons. Was there a significant age gap between your parents or something else. My ex shagged every younger model in 3 counties, and we were the same age. My DH is 8 years younger than me and we are so much more compatible. He might end up doing the same, though I doubt it, but if he did it would not be due to a gap in age!

You said MORE attracted to thirty something men. I still think there's someone in your eyeline causing this bee in your bonnet. I feel really quite sorry for your DP.

My parents had a 12 year age gap. My Dad is fit and well in his 70’s and my mother was dead before 50.

I think you are just panicking because of the speed of the relationship and feeling trapped because of DC.

Would you really rush into a new relationship just because you should do while your young given you have kids? If you do split I would suggest instead being alone for a while and working on yourself.

Sorry is there actually anything wrong in your relationship apart from the age gap issue which is not even an issue? I can't even fathom thinking about leaving someone I love and have a amazing life with purely because there MIGHT be an age issue when you get older.

What would the issue even be anyway? You want to go to a 60+ disco whereas he'd rather stay home and read a newspaper in his tartan dressing gown? Come ON. And surely age matters less than how well you take care of yourself or any health issues. He could be running marathons when he's 70 while you're 55 and can barely move from arthritis (just an example). You can't predict the future at all.

I agree with PP, maybe stay off mumsnet for a while.

I don't know why I'm posting again. I don't know what I expect people to say. I don't know what I expect my family to say that hasn't already been said. I don't know why I can't stop doing this! It's totally out of hand now and I'm really not sure what I'm playing at anymore.

I read a comment on here that it's not a big gap, and it's fine and I feel myself exhale and relax, I then read a comment saying leave because you're right it will get worse and I panic again. I don't know which way it's going to go, I can't possibly know and I'm struggling to live with the fear.

are you asking Internet strangers for permission to leave? You don't need that you can just choose, same as you choose yto have sex and then keep the baby.

Or are you asking for permission to be happy? Again, you don't need permission. You can just be happy

People on mn mainly want advice on their problems, that's why you're getting a skewed idea of relationships

Absolutely. If you spend too much time on MN you could end up thinking no relationships with anyone ever again, age-gap or no age-gap.
I'm single and happily so and there's 2 or 3 threads every day which make me think "Thank God I'm single"!! (I'm not single because I'm put off by MN threads though!)

People come on here to sound off/ask advice about their partners. They don't start threads "My partner is so great. I love him so much".
It's totally skewed on here - we've got the DP who is obsessed by QAnon kicking off about the OP getting vaccinated; the shits who won't do any housework and demand their tea on the table; the unhygienic ones spraying piss everywhere or refusing to shower; the drunken ones who who roll in at 4 am and shit themselves on the sofa.

Even cynical me knows that the majority of men do not behave like this. Some of my friends have found the loveliest men imaginable and are very happy indeed.

@crossrhodes

I don't know why I'm posting again. I don't know what I expect people to say. I don't know what I expect my family to say that hasn't already been said. I don't know why I can't stop doing this! It's totally out of hand now and I'm really not sure what I'm playing at anymore.

I read a comment on here that it's not a big gap, and it's fine and I feel myself exhale and relax, I then read a comment saying leave because you're right it will get worse and I panic again. I don't know which way it's going to go, I can't possibly know and I'm struggling to live with the fear.

It's because you are relying on the validation of internet strangers who are invariably going to have different opinions and experiences. For everyone that would stay in this situation, there would be another who would leave - you're not going to get a blanket opinion. We cannot decide this for you - you have to decide whether you love your DH enough to get over the age gap and the way your relationship began.

@SwanShaped

Do you suffer from intrusive thoughts with your anxiety? It could just be that, rather than you not loving him. A kind of pure obsession about it where the thought just goes over and over. Some people have it around cleaning, or worrying their kids will die. Some people have it about relationships

This is what holds me back every time I think I've decided that the scale of these thoughts clearly means I don't love him and I should leave. I make that decision and then I think, but is this just anxiety, are these just intrusive thoughts. I cannot hand on my heart say that I know how I feel or what I want to do. I have no clarity and I'm finding it so, so overwhelming, hence posting, hence constantly annoying my friends and family with the same conversation, hence the constant internal monologue. I'm waiting for someone to say something, or me to realise something that makes it all click in to place and me see it with 100% certainty. It just never happens though