To ask which life you'd choose here?

[crossrhodes]

A. Stay in gorgeous home, with lovely DH and our shared DC and make the most of family life, a comfortable financial situation and continue with counselling to put all anxieties about the age gap to rest once and for all and just enjoy whatever time we do have, deal with the future when it happens. Knowing that if it does all go wrong, you had however many years with your family and you have amazing kids and a lovely home to be grateful for. Accept that anything could happen, we could end up divorcing for totally different reasons and that I shouldn't try and pre empt something that may not happen

B. Admit that it's only going to get worse with age, that the age gap is going to become more and more noticeable like I have read on mumsnet way too many times, and that having to start fresh now, as a single mum, moving into a flat is the more painful option now, but not in the long run as you no longer have to worry about age gap catching up with you and are young enough to find someone your own age to avoid these problems about the future, even if that person isn't the father of my child.

I'm terrified by both option at the moment. I did post a while back, my original post explaining how this relationship came about is explained in more detail there, but ultimately this is the question I have to answer.

@crossrhodes

My therapist thinks the anxieties stem from the way it began. He isn't who I would of sought out as a partner or to have children with, he was simply a one night stand, he would of been someone I considered short term fun over a long term age gap because I had always thought I'd end up with someone roughly my age. When I found out I was pregnant I approached him basically to say I'm keeping it but you don't have to be involved, he couldn't of wanted to be more involved, I didn't want to force a relationship just because I was pregnant so I was very distant to him during most of the pregnancy but it did eventually develop into more and deeper feelings came with time. I have learnt to love him, and I definitely love our family unit but it feels like I didn't choose it. I guess I worry that maybe I'd of been happier long term if I'd chosen, properly, what was best for me.

I sort of understand this. My DH and I had a baby very early on in our relationship and I was half expecting him not to be interested. He was, we ended up muddling on and over time we grew to love each other and have more children together. The difference is that we are very much in love now, over a decade later, and I have zero regrets or worries that it wasnt right. It was a bit of a surprise start but it worked out well and I have no anxiety over it. Sounds like you are suffering from 'grass could have been greener', or you dont truly love him. It is a little tricky for you but dont give up unless you're absolutely sure - your not going to fall into the arms of someone perfect straight away.

learnt to love him, and I definitely love our family unit

Are you in love with him?

do you love him?

It really is that simple.

If you do crack on with enjoying life.

If you don't then please let him find someone who loves him

Yes I have grown to love him, but it wasn't an instant connection. It developed slowly and I'm lucky to have him in so many ways as he is kind, caring and so many other great qualities I do worry that I'd be better off with someone a closer age to myself. I don't know if it's rational or not but it is a factor. I'm more physically attracted to men closer my age, but this is just how it worked out. I've always been slightly anti age gap, I've always expected to be with someone my age, I never expected to end up in one so I'm finding it difficult to accept sometimes.

I wonder....

I have a GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder)... and it often pops up its ugly little head when im happy... my mind runs with visions of how it will all go wrong and its terrifying.

Have you had any medical help? i have... and it does help massively.

I'm not minimising this at all - hitting 30 is a big deal in terms of feeling time passing. I would guess that you are reassessing your whole life in that context. That's OK. Just try not to throw everything away simply because processes are working themselves out in your life. I don't know whether you are full time at home or whether you have a job you love or a job you hate. What do you feel about those things?

I'm interested that you are in therapy. I'm a big fan of therapy but maybe it's time for a 360 review - maybe ask your therapist, if you were going to stop therapy now, what would they feel had been the changes they'd seen in you, what were issues that would worry them if you stopped, what actions would they want you to take if any? Do they feel that your needs have changed, would a different approach or formulation help?

Then ask your partner - do they feel that they have seen changes in you from therapy - do they feel that communication works better?

@crossrhodes

Yes I have grown to love him, but it wasn't an instant connection. It developed slowly and I'm lucky to have him in so many ways as he is kind, caring and so many other great qualities I do worry that I'd be better off with someone a closer age to myself. I don't know if it's rational or not but it is a factor. I'm more physically attracted to men closer my age, but this is just how it worked out. I've always been slightly anti age gap, I've always expected to be with someone my age, I never expected to end up in one so I'm finding it difficult to accept sometimes.

It's not rational. It doesn't matter if it was an instant connection - that's fairytale stuff a lot of the time. Kind, caring, loves his child/ren; sounds good to me. Life doesn't always work out exactly as you expect it, and you ended up with someone a bit older. But if you love him, as you say, it would be bizarre to walk out because the age gap may or may not cause an issue on day.

Also, it isnt your partner that has 'tied you down', its having a child. Life has changed massively and you cant really go back. I do wonder if this is the cause of anxieties.

If your wanting to do other things well talk to your partner and do them :)

For every person posting on here saying the age gap was a problem in their relationship, there will be dozens and dozens where they have a great relationship regardless of their age.

On mumsnet you only hear the bad. Nobody starts a post saying “AIBU? DP is 15 years older than me and it’s fantastic having such a caring, lovely, partner to raise my kids with”.

Maybe step away from forums for a bit. You are looking for problems that aren’t there.

@SleepingStandingUp Round of applause!

In my family there were two marriages with 17 year age gaps, my great aunt and uncle - she was 17 and he was 34 when they eloped, also an uncle and aunt, she was 23 and he was 40 when they married. Both had very happy family lives, they were all farmers so my uncle and great uncle worked on way beyond retirement. I remember lots of family parties and fun. Great uncle lived to 90 and uncle nearly got there, we never really thought about their age gap marriages and both aunties were very happy. I don't think 15 years is even an issue.
I have a friend who is 81, he married his then girlfriend when he was 60 and she was 30, they have a daughter who is now 21. That is a big age gap, he would say there have been quite a few worries that an age gap of 30 years has brought but that being father to his lovely daughter means he would still do the same again. He is still working, a really lovely person, his wife loves him to bits.

@crossrhodes Do you think maybe he'd be better off without you? Because being in a relationship with someone who questions how/why they love you, has doubts over loving you is not healthy. For all he thinks this was a wonderful turn of events. Now you're feeling spooked by the whole thing why not let him go and find the love you both deserve. I'm sorry but you sound unreasonable - I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who basically thinks I might have ruined their life but is just going along with it because 'why not, she seems nice enough'.

It sounds like you're not happy deep down and you're putting it onto the age gap, which is a non issue.

You could leave him and find someone more your age, who a few years down the line becomes terribly ill or has a life changing accident.
Life has no guarantees and can change in a moment. It's a cliche but age, within reason, really is just a number. It's who the person is that counts and whether they as a person make you happy and fulfilled. I think that's perhaps where your problem lies. And only you can answer that.

In terms of the age gap...only as a thought:

There is no real age gap between my husband and I. We married as you guys did/will as equally able and health people.

Then at age 33 i became disabled. I'm often ill, im a wheelchair user and yes, we are living the 'my spouse will grow old before me' thing. Its hard sometimes... he cares for me...

...BUT...

we have a brilliant life! We have less sex but we have fantastic, more creative, life afirming sex!

The way we do stuff is different but we have ambitions together and plans.

Life has become more challenging but... he's worth it. and he makes me feel like i'm still worth it too.

What I' saying is, life is totally random. yeah there's an age gap but we don't know what life will bring. Having the right person at your side is the most important thing and the most amazing blessing. i wouldn't have concerns about age gap [personally.

15 years is nothing if he is a respectful loving partner.
You can always study online stay in the game.
You fell in the relationship and don't feel he is the one, this is a separate issue.
Don't waste life if you don't love him.
The age gap isn't the problem.

@crossrhodes

Yes I have grown to love him, but it wasn't an instant connection. It developed slowly and I'm lucky to have him in so many ways as he is kind, caring and so many other great qualities I do worry that I'd be better off with someone a closer age to myself. I don't know if it's rational or not but it is a factor. I'm more physically attracted to men closer my age, but this is just how it worked out. I've always been slightly anti age gap, I've always expected to be with someone my age, I never expected to end up in one so I'm finding it difficult to accept sometimes.

Oh goodness I see. You don't sound very physically attracted to him. It doesn't sound good in the long term.

Hmmn, youre 30. Most men around your age are beginning to meet their life partners. Better to move on sooner rather than later?

I don't think that a nice standard of living/house etc is a substitute for a man your own age, probably an unpopular opinion on mumsnet, but I just know it's not for me.

If yiu were a member of the aristocracy, you'd just take a younger lover I guess!

One of the things I'm working on with my therapist is whether I really love him or whether I am subconsciously making the best of the hand I got dealt. I like to think I'm not doing that, I deliberately didn't push a relationship or so much as flirt as I didn't want to settle for each other due to a child but it still happened and over time did feel it became real. It did and it does. I just can't help but see my friends with people our own age and feel like I'm missing out on that. I feel jealous that they don't have the same worries as me. I feel jealous that I'm more physically attracted to their partners than mine. There is more to life than all of that though and I don't want to take a good partner and father for granted on the basis of wanting someone younger. When I then read these threads on here from people saying they wish they'd chosen differently it gives me that push where I think these feelings I'm already having won't go away, will likely get worse and eventually when the age gap really does catch up I'll remember this stage of life and just think why.. why didn't you leave.

I do appreciate none of this is fair on him. He doesn't deserve me to be questioning if I could of done better. I do also wonder if he'd be better off with someone his own age. It's not totally one sided. I don't want us to settle for each other, not just me for him.

Jeez, 15 year age gap...that’s really nothing.
I thought you were going to say a 30 year age gap.
Relax.

[quote VladmirsPoutine]@crossrhodes Do you think maybe he'd be better off without you? Because being in a relationship with someone who questions how/why they love you, has doubts over loving you is not healthy. For all he thinks this was a wonderful turn of events. Now you're feeling spooked by the whole thing why not let him go and find the love you both deserve. I'm sorry but you sound unreasonable - I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who basically thinks I might have ruined their life but is just going along with it because 'why not, she seems nice enough'.[/quote]
If you're a man who chhooses to get involved with much younger women, thats the risk you take surely? It's not as if anyone has held a gun to this man's head and forced him to get involved with someone who at the time was only in her twenties.

Well despite what the dating aps present, life is not a catalogue of perfect partners to choose from.

If you love him, stay, clearly.

Frankly anything can happen and age is (partly at least) just a number in the context of all the things that COULD happen (or not).

My DH are 50 & 69 we’ve been together 21 years we’ve had no age related issues until he retired and I haven’t but he has loads of hobbies and is probably busier & fitter than me. There are so many things in life you could worry about, just live and see what happens

OK so actually you are not physically attracted to him. That's the nub of the issue.

In which case please don't marry him

I am physically attracted to him, he is still an attractive man. I am more physically attracted to men in their thirties than their forties, generally. I worry about in 15 years when men my age are still attractive to me, and DP may not be. But again, I do know there is more to life and love than physical attraction. I'm not trying to sound nasty, I'm just trying to be completely honest in my answers.

@CirclesWithinCircles But surely he's just a man who had sex with a woman he found desirable. She ended up pregnant and he chose to be responsible for his/those actions. Now he's dealing with a woman who is having all manner of doubts and is actually in therapy to figure out if she loves him. If I were him I'd leave and just co-parent. Sorry but true love is easy, it should not be something that causes someone to have multiple reckonings. I'm not saying life or relationships are easy but love is the easy part. If you don't have that then what else is there?

But if you actually loved him then you would not compare him to other men, irrespective of their age.

I objectively know that my husband is not the most attractive man in the world . But to me he is, because of the whole package and how much I love him. I never look at other men and think they are more attractive and wonder who I'm most physically attracted to.

The fact that you do is concrete evidence that you don't love him and for his sake please don't marry him.