To ask which life you'd choose here?

[crossrhodes]

A. Stay in gorgeous home, with lovely DH and our shared DC and make the most of family life, a comfortable financial situation and continue with counselling to put all anxieties about the age gap to rest once and for all and just enjoy whatever time we do have, deal with the future when it happens. Knowing that if it does all go wrong, you had however many years with your family and you have amazing kids and a lovely home to be grateful for. Accept that anything could happen, we could end up divorcing for totally different reasons and that I shouldn't try and pre empt something that may not happen

B. Admit that it's only going to get worse with age, that the age gap is going to become more and more noticeable like I have read on mumsnet way too many times, and that having to start fresh now, as a single mum, moving into a flat is the more painful option now, but not in the long run as you no longer have to worry about age gap catching up with you and are young enough to find someone your own age to avoid these problems about the future, even if that person isn't the father of my child.

I'm terrified by both option at the moment. I did post a while back, my original post explaining how this relationship came about is explained in more detail there, but ultimately this is the question I have to answer.

[NoDramaMama14]

Are you seriously going to leave a good life with a good man based on the opinions of others on the Internet OP? That is ridiculous imho. A good man is hard to find and as clichéd as it sounds, count your blessings and come off the Internet.

[Hushpuppy1]

I haven’t read the whole thread but I would advise you to just remember that you can’t know what the future holds. My friend’s mother was 12 years younger than her father. Everyone assumed he would die first, plans were made based on that assumption. She died first at 70.
Enjoy your life together.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@crossrhodes

I am physically attracted to him, he is still an attractive man. I am more physically attracted to men in their thirties than their forties, generally. I worry about in 15 years when men my age are still attractive to me, and DP may not be. But again, I do know there is more to life and love than physical attraction. I'm not trying to sound nasty, I'm just trying to be completely honest in my answers.

How would you feel op if he posted saying I'm with a 30 yo, she's attractive but I'm worried she'll be unattractive when she's in her mid 40s and wonder if I should break up with her now ready to find someone more attractive in a few years time?

[Mrbob]

It seems like you THINK there should be a problem and are trying to make a problem where there isn’t one.
If you aren’t happy and see a better life elsewhere then go. If you are worried about a theoretical thing that might happen in the future that seems a silly reason. Also you might realise you are perfectly happy as things are now and then in 5 years time decide to leave. That’s ok. This isn’t a decision you HAVE to make now and never change your mind. Just don’t be unfair on him. If you aren’t happy go now. Don’t sour the relationship by spending the whole thing having one foot out the door

[crossrhodes]

@Dishwashersaurous

But if you actually loved him then you would not compare him to other men, irrespective of their age.

I objectively know that my husband is not the most attractive man in the world . But to me he is, because of the whole package and how much I love him. I never look at other men and think they are more attractive and wonder who I'm most physically attracted to.

The fact that you do is concrete evidence that you don't love him and for his sake please don't marry him.

This is why I'm posting and being as honest as I'm being because I'm my head I love him and these are anxieties that can possibly be dealt with, hence therapy.

If ultimately everything I'm writing makes it evident I don't love him then clearly I'm just deluding myself because we have a child together. So there we go, maybe that's my answer

[Sycamoretrees]

Goodness! You would be bonkers to leave, all that would achieve would be heart ache for your kids and the man you say you care about - and would always leave you wondering if it was worth it. I think you need some counselling to get to the route cause of why you think the grass would be greener elsewhere! Or perhaps it's fear of missing out? Which is crazy, because by leaving you definitely would be loosing out on a lot by the sound of it!

[tentosix]

Do you love him?
Yes, stay
No, leave

[Naimee87]

I think it does boil down to how you feel about him and whether you are in love with him as loving him and being in love with him are quite different. I'm not entirely sure younger men are any better partners though but if you think you'll no longer find your partner attractive in just a few years this would probably lead to you seeking excitement elsewhere perhaps. Hope that isn't too rude of me to say. I didn't ever have the family unit and brought my DS up on his own. I met a truly wonderful man who is also 15 years older than me (33) he was really 'on paper' perfect, caring, supportive, really really good with my son we had such a laugh together, all the things that i had wanted for us for a long time. But for some reason i couldn't get comfortable with him and enjoy the relationship as deep down i knew it was the security and support he offered that was more attractive than he was. It would have been unfair on him to have continued as i knew that feelings from his side were far stronger for me than mine ever would be for him. It isn't easy on your own but it sure is better than being in the wrong relationship. As selfish as it may be given your partner does seem to be a good one your happiness and your kids happiness does come first...

[Cocomarine]

It’s not a hand you’ve been dealt, it’s a hand you’ve chosen.

Look, I’ve got nothing against kids having two homes, mine do - and so far, 10 years on, no issues at all. But - it’s not what I would ever choose. if you love this man - I couldn’t look my child in the eye and tell them that they had to go through separate homes because I had some vague notion that I fancied a younger man, and had FOMO.

You don’t sound like you do love him though.

What exactly are you missing out on? My husband is 12 years older (52 and 64). I get irritated by him planning retirement when I have years to work! But, just mild annoyance - it’s not serious. We are quite independent- me working doesn’t stop him going away. Day to day... it’s not like I want to go water skiing and he’s making us do crown bowls instead - actually quite the opposite, he’s fitter and more active than me. Our attitudes to most things are similar, not older or younger outlook than the other.

If you’re missing out on something - go do it.
Unless what you’re missing out on is sex with a 30yo... in which case, you need to separate first.

I think a PP made a very good point about anxiety sabotaging happiness. But if it’s not that... your posts seem to say that he’s a nice guy, life is comfortable, he’s not sexually repulsive... but you don’t love him and want to be with him.

[TheVolturi]

This is a non issue surely? You're having counselling to come to terms with a 15 year age gap of the man you love? Really?

My dh is 14 years older than me, I can honestly say that his age does not come into it. We have young dc too and he's mid 50s.

[Reinventinganna]

I had a similar situation and the age gap probably was a big factor in us ending if I’m honest. I ended up feeling quite bitter.

Does he know that you feel like this?

[Anjo2011]

I would choose option A. Age isn’t the only factor that separates people in later life. Peoples lives change for much more dramatic and unfortunate events than an age gap. Unless there’s more underlying ‘issues’ that you haven’t alluded to?

[honeylulu]

Oh dear. 15 years is not much at all!

14 years between me and my husband. He is now 60 (I'm 46) and we don't notice the age gap. I have arthritis and he doesn't!

He is planning to work for as long as possible and I am retiring at 60 (am the higher earner and stashing loads in my pension to make this possible) so we might end up with our retirement ages not far apart.

If this is really troubling you perhaps it isn't the age gap. Have you just gone off him?

[Anordinarymum]

OP You sound awfully self centred to me. What about him. Or is it all about you ?

[Nicola54]

@crossrhodes

I am physically attracted to him, he is still an attractive man. I am more physically attracted to men in their thirties than their forties, generally. I worry about in 15 years when men my age are still attractive to me, and DP may not be. But again, I do know there is more to life and love than physical attraction. I'm not trying to sound nasty, I'm just trying to be completely honest in my answers.

In 15 years time you may well be attracted to men your age, but they won’t be attracted to you! all the single men in their mid-forties I know are looking for younger models

But in all seriousness, my advice would be live for today and practice gratitude for all you have.

[crossrhodes]

I love him as a person. I know that for a fact. I sometimes wonder if I'm genuinely just not in love with him, or if I just don't feel in love with him because I've essentially written him off long term due to my pre-conceptions on age gaps and the confirmation about those I've read on MN in the past. I am definitely waiting for it to go wrong. This is why I'm trying therapy because I am getting to a point where I think, it just shouldn't be this hard, I shouldn't have this many doubts, which is pushing me to just end it and let us both move on but I am concerned that I'll do that to realise all of this was just anxiety and I've taken away my child's stability for no valid reason, and we're all actually worse off.

[crossrhodes]

It's not all about me in the relationship, it is all about me in the sense of I'm the only one having doubts. You're only hearing my perspective here, I don't mean to come across as self centred. Perhaps I am, physical attraction matters to me but I have tried to express I do know it isn't the be all and end all.

[Pinkdelight3]

But if these things come to pass in the future, you can leave him then. It's daft to leave now because of some possible future scenarios that you can't project into because you'll have changed by then anyway. Also, you're clearly picking and choosing with threads to be influenced by. There's plenty of threads on here with women who have no age gaps and awful relationships, so someone the same age guarantees nothing. Likewise, all the age gap threads are bound to be the ones who have problems, because the happy age couples aren't starting threads. So much of this is really all in your head. Maybe you need to stop analysing it all, keep yourself busy and try to live in the moment. If you still have major doubts, split up with him and see if that suits you better. I suspect with this tendency, you may look back and realise you almost had it all.

[VladmirsPoutine]

Do you not see how all this self-introspection at the expense of him is totally damaging to you both? So when you come out the other end having made your decision do you intend to just present it to him as a fait accompli?

[crossrhodes]

I do agree the internal analysis has to stop, it has become some kind of addiction. As long as I'm awake it's a constantly ongoing internal narrative. No matter what I'm doing, spending time with my child, at work, with friends, it's a constant repeating thing. I don't think about anything else anymore.

[crossrhodes]

This is why I'm having therapy, its out of control and I do admit that.

[CirclesWithinCircles]

I'd discuss it more with yiur friends and family OP. Mumsnet does seem to have a lot of posters who are married to older men and I would suggest that many posters who are not in that demographic are more likely to be at work and unable to post on a discussion forum, or disinterested in doing so outwith standard work hours.

Only speaking for myself, but I barely know anyone married to someone 10 or more years older than them. I do know a couple of guys who are in ltrs with much younger women, but they have a bit of a reputation for messing women around and seem to be a bit anti-marriage.

I remember being on a trip with the university running group, i was a postgrad in my thirties but I was accepted in a way that those hanger on, former student guys of the same age, trying to find younger girlfriends weren't, because I wasn't on the prowl. I remember us discussing one guy who was I think 32 and my 21 year old friend saying "He's quite good looking, but he's just so old". She turned him down when he asked her out, as did another member of the group and as did I actually as well (didn't fancy being third choice and to be honest, hanging around a bunch of much younger students when yiure not a student is a bit creepy)!

This is the sort of perspective I think you're missing out on on here.

[Candyfloss99]

Do you love him? That's the only thing you need to answer.
Also get off Mumsnet, it sounds like it's causing you a lot of unneeded anxiety.

[Zzelda]

Feeling like I've wasted my life and being full of regret and looking back on this stage I'm currently going through, where I'm questioning whether to leave or not, and wishing I had

Do you currently feel you are wasting your life? Given that you describe your husband as lovely, it doesn't sound like it. Do you enjoy being with him? If so, you aren't wasting your life.

My parent had a 9 year gap. They were very happily married for 63 years before my father died at 94 and really the age difference wasn't ever noticeable in terms of things like mental capacity, mobility, interests, views etc. It is by no means inevitable that your partner will develop dementia or anything similar - my father never did, and one of the sharpest, most active people I know now is 85. For all you know, you could be the one who deteriorates first and ends up needing to be looked after.

You're catastrophising over a future when you might regret that you stayed with your partner. What about another scenario, where you leave him but never find anyone you want to live with or marry, or find someone who turns out to be a waste of space, and you then end up really regretting that you didn't stay?

[CirclesWithinCircles]

And you shouldn't need therapy to help you stay in a relationship. The introspection might be you just working out your own character and what you want to do in your life.

Who pays for this therapy?