Daughter thinks we are poor

[MollysMummy2010]

This is no way a stealth brag as I know I am reasonably lucky.

Between me and DH we earn £90k per year but we live in London and poor choices in our youth mean we rent. My 9 year old DD has a small bedroom but has lived in the same place all her life. She has (pre Covid) had all the opportunities her friends have had re clubs, activities etc and I don't think she is aware that we rent rather then own our home.

Some of her friends live in huge houses and she seems to resent us for the fact that we don't. I try to teach her the value of money, and also, that as there are only three of us, how much space to we really need?

I am worried she will be embarrassed but don't want her to be!
What do I do?

We are extremely fortunate compared to most, but we live a pretty frugal lifestyle for environmental reasons - my children often tell their friends we have one car/don't fly/buy second hand to help save the planet and feel proud of it... perhaps as they get older they will resent not having the most expensive up to date tech and fewer foreign holidays, but I hope it will just be part of their lifestyle to not be materialistic - I really hope so anyway. Perhaps you could discuss the environmental benefits of living a simpler life with your daughter?

I think some children today have no concept of what poor means. They expect everything . For me, a child growing up in the 60,s , Mom, Dad and seven children. Both working two jobs to make ends meet. We never went on holidays only day trips. My Dad worked as a coleman during the day, then came home, had a bath, a bite to eat then out to work behind the bar in a local pub 6 nights a week. Never had any spare money and although i do remember having meals put on the table, i also remember times when the cupboards were virtually empty. I know times have changed over the years but to me kids have too much today. Even my husband recalls as a child he wanted a bike and was told by his dad he could only have one if he saved half towards it.

All of Ds1's friends live in huge houses. We have talked about this. A lot. Kids these days are entitled but must learn the value of things, to give balance.

Slightly off on a tangent @MollysMummy2010 but you say rent/childcare is £2500 per month so there is lots left to save. There are some great money saving tips on MSE and you could then either save up to rent a bigger place (if you feel you need a bigger place) or buy something eventually or just because on £90K per annum despite rent costs there should be saving for a rainy day money.

It might just be a case of reorganise any existing outgoings/debts etc

[quote MollysMummy2010]@Iminstealthmode we do all of that already so she knows she is lucky.[/quote]
Then honestly I'd just keep gently reminding her. She knows you're not poor, you're just not as rich as X.
I'd stick with well all families are different and have different things,that's why having friends is so exciting.

One thing that kids don't get of course is how wealth and class are still very different in the UK. When I was a child I thought my parents were poor compared to my classmates - my mum was always saying 'No, we can't afford it'; didn't buy branded foods; cheapest ice creams; we had nice toys but not the fashionable ones; handmade clothes; slightly decrepit house; unimpressive car, and so on. My classmates had TVs in bedrooms, Nike trainers, Dash tracksuits, Teddy Ruxpins, satellite TV, Barbie Dreamhouse. I thought I was Oppressed, I tell you

Of course I had no idea as a kid that despite the decrepit house we lived in an expensive neighbourhood, went to outstanding schools and were super middle-middle class. All I saw was the lack of "stuff". When my parents went through a bad financial time I got a secondhand violin for my birthday which I was mortified about. Obviously in retrospect this wasn't the worst thing in life by a long way

All this is to say that you shouldn't be worrying about what your child thinks right now about how poor she is. She will realise later on -!

I live in a tiny flat in an expensive bit of the SE near London. DD's classmates all have nicer houses, but she has other advantages. I don't mind if she thinks we're poor - in some ways we are and in others we aren't!

(I'm not suggesting that "class" is a positive thing by the way - just that children haven't got an accurate sense of how privileged they may be in lots of ways that don't correlate to "stuff".)

Agree, @ERFFER.

Is there no genteel poverty in the usa?!

We sponsor a child through plan international, same age and sex as my eldest, which has given her a view of the world outside her town. £20 a month, if you are interested.

Also, I'm quite mean about sugar. It isn't a money thing, it's a health thing. My children don't notice financial inequality as they are too busy noticing that a classmate is met with a bag of sweets every night after school.
Btw my kids get plenty of sugar, they aren't deprived. They just don't get as much as some of their friends.

Show her a few documentaries about what it's like to be poor, talk to her about money and earning etc.
They are never too young to begin.

@SelkieFly

Is there no genteel poverty in the usa?!

There's less of that divergence between social class and income than in the UK. You can have a lot of social, educational and cultural capital in the UK and still be relatively poor income-wise; but you wouldn't by any means say people in that position were disadvantaged.

This isn't quite as much the case in the US by a long way, though it's not never the case either.

I actually wonder how much genteel poverty there is left in say somewhere like London. I think you essentially have the poor and the rich with little in between. It's confusing enough for adults living here let alone kids.

@mooming I can imagine some elderly people living in grace and favour apartments in genteel poverty.

@mooming

I actually wonder how much genteel poverty there is left in say somewhere like London. I think you essentially have the poor and the rich with little in between. It's confusing enough for adults living here let alone kids.

There are a surprising number of jobs still which are cultural-capital heavy but income poor - and income and assets are very different things.

Watch Rich House Poor House on Channel 5 with her.

Junk TV but somehow mesmerising and makes you cry nearly every week.

@mooming

I actually wonder how much genteel poverty there is left in say somewhere like London. I think you essentially have the poor and the rich with little in between. It's confusing enough for adults living here let alone kids.

DD had a friend at school who GPs were all very wealthy but dd's friend had duct taped tights, rips in their clothing, doors that didn't shut properly, windows that needed mending for years, their house was the messiest, most chaotic house I have ever visited. Poor but the parents had a very middle class privileged upbringing - so still had a middle class expectation of how life would be. The friend got teased at primary school for being poor - not by dd who never commented to me about the state of their house - she was too loyal to her friend, it was always the thing that was never talked about.

@ScreamingBeans

Watch Rich House Poor House on Channel 5 with her.

Junk TV but somehow mesmerising and makes you cry nearly every week.

I have watched this show, it shouldn't be entertainment but it is heart-breaking.

@TableFlowerss

£90k is a lot of money. I’m struggling to understand why you can’t but your own property to be honest. DH earns £50k and I earn a few hundred a month and we save about £1000k a month.

I know that £90k sounds a lot, but I know you’ll pay a lot of tax on that, but if we can save £12k a year in theory you should be able to save about £30k each year.

A couple of years then that £60k and I’m sure that would get you a deposit for a descent 2 bed property.

I think you have failed to recognise how expensive living in london is. Rent for a 2 bed flat in this area is at least £1,800pcm. Children’s clubs etc are expensive here too - eg DC went to gymnastics twice a week before lockdown, that cost £160 a month. Full time nursery was nearly £2k a month. Breakfast and after school clubs (pre lockdowns) were £35 a day. Then, even if a family manages to save a decent deposit, access to mortgage finance is an issue. That means they will be able to get a mortgage of between £360k (4x salary) and £450k (5x salary). Even with a £50k deposit and maxing out their mortgage, that won’t buy a 2 bed house in most of London. Nor a 2 bed flat in school catchment in a lot of areas.

Reminds me of my kids when they went to a very affluent school and thought it was totally normal to have speed boat trips on the Thames for your birthday at age 8.

I swiftly moved them schools to a more deprived one and it worked a treat. They’re much more grateful and kind human beings now.

Wozers. I'd explain she's middle-class and there are children today with a lot less than her. There are lots of documentaries you can watch together about child poverty in the UK.
We are 'poor', i.e. under the poverty line. But my children think we are quite well off, because I tell them about how my grandmother grew up in the war.

@Chillychangchoo

Reminds me of my kids when they went to a very affluent school and thought it was totally normal to have speed boat trips on the Thames for your birthday at age 8.

I swiftly moved them schools to a more deprived one and it worked a treat. They’re much more grateful and kind human beings now.

Are we doing deprived people good, wealthy people bad thing?

@memost

No idea? Don’t particularly care either. Just wanted my kids to be more grateful in life and it worked so I’m happy. Their worlds expanded in a good way since I moved them so it’s all good. They have friends who span all the socieeconomic classes.

Suits us.