Daughter thinks we are poor

[MollysMummy2010]

This is no way a stealth brag as I know I am reasonably lucky.

Between me and DH we earn £90k per year but we live in London and poor choices in our youth mean we rent. My 9 year old DD has a small bedroom but has lived in the same place all her life. She has (pre Covid) had all the opportunities her friends have had re clubs, activities etc and I don't think she is aware that we rent rather then own our home.

Some of her friends live in huge houses and she seems to resent us for the fact that we don't. I try to teach her the value of money, and also, that as there are only three of us, how much space to we really need?

I am worried she will be embarrassed but don't want her to be!
What do I do?

My Ds is the same age. We live in a much smaller house than some of his friends but it’s all we can afford. It was a big enough push to buy this!
I’m done things I overcompensate financially, he’s spoilt at Christmas and birthdays, parties have been expensive but we’ve not been abroad with him. Most of his friends go away (in normal times) a couple of times a year. Last year was our first holiday which got cancelled, the money used to top up furlough etc. He is aware that if we don’t work full time, we are not going to be living here. He’s told frequently that he’s lucky, and he does appreciate it. Saying that his xmas list started with iPhone 11 and continued to ‘anything Gucci’. I just laughed and explained how much they cost.
It’s natural for children to compare themselves to their peers.
My sister sent her dd to private school when frankly they’re couldn’t afford it, they have always been keeping up with the joneses. She really moaned that her friends had more money. They did!!

@ForwardRanger you think it’s wrong to show a child a bank balance screenshot of how poor people really can be, so that she can compare it to her parent’s ninety thousand pounds a year income?

The child needs to be shown that being poor means being unable to feed your kids properly in the first world country she’s growing up in, so that perhaps she can feel a little more grateful for what she does have.

She won’t be traumatised by it, she’s reaching an age where she questions these things. So give her the hard truth.

@Shorthairlady

I tell my DD we are poor on a daily basis. Money for Roblox does not fall from trees. Although I did hear her tell her school play date yesterday that her mum is poor. I was both mortified and found it hilarious at the same time.

I don't want to be a sanctimonious twerp and I'm not suggesting I know your daughter better than you do, but I do hope you are sure that she isn't worried about being poor. Without being given context, I think a lot of children might not get the sort-of joke and might think that if you can't afford money for X then maybe you won't be able to afford money for food. It's not nice to think you're poor and need to worry about money if you're not.

Please forgive me if I'm just having a big sense of humour failure!

Have been at work but thank you all for responses.

@denverRegina thank you for your eloquent description of my situation. Rent and childcare take up £2500. I drove 250 miles last year so my reliable car, which is 10 years old and cost me £200 to MOT in March, is not a priority to replace. It has done 80,000 miles. Why would I? I really don't care about cars as long as they start when I turn the engine on.
The issue with my daughter is that we are in a flat and her bedroom is small. We have a huge lounge and garden.

As she gets older, I expect the space she needs will be less and I don't want to move away from an area where we are all happy.

We haven't bought because our outgoings are such that we can't afford to save the deposit.

[quote NeverTwain]@ForwardRanger you think it’s wrong to show a child a bank balance screenshot of how poor people really can be, so that she can compare it to her parent’s ninety thousand pounds a year income?

The child needs to be shown that being poor means being unable to feed your kids properly in the first world country she’s growing up in, so that perhaps she can feel a little more grateful for what she does have.

She won’t be traumatised by it, she’s reaching an age where she questions these things. So give her the hard truth.[/quote]
I don't just think its wrong, I think it's abusive. You have one job, make your children feel safe. Burdening them with adult worries is cruel. And that isn't just my opinion, it is basic parenting knowledge. Check any child welfare information and it's there in the opening page, the child has a right to be safe. I'm shocked by how clueless so many parents are about their role.

We live in a tiny rented house albeit on a new estate but still tiny. DD's best friend lives in the biggest house iv ever seen and could only dream of owning. She happily comes to our house for sleepovers (pre covid) I just make sure I buy real Nutella for breakfast when she comes instead of the knock off one I normally buy

@Llamadramasheepface - my daughters friends love coming over here.

Well there you go. Her friends love coming to you and she happily has them over. You don't have to do anything.

@ForwardRanger you think it’s wrong to show a child a bank balance screenshot of how poor people really can be, so that she can compare it to her parent’s ninety thousand pounds a year income?

The child needs to be shown that being poor means being unable to feed your kids properly in the first world country she’s growing up in, so that perhaps she can feel a little more grateful for what she does have.

She won’t be traumatised by it, she’s reaching an age where she questions these things. So give her the hard truth.

I don't just think its wrong, I think it's abusive. You have one job, make your children feel safe. Burdening them with adult worries is cruel. And that isn't just my opinion, it is basic parenting knowledge. Check any child welfare information and it's there in the opening page, the child has a right to be safe. I'm shocked by how clueless so many parents are about their role.

Some children don't have the choice but to be burdened with it. My DD thinks we're not poor now because we're no longer homeless.

@MollysMummy2010 as you are back online I wonder whether you have considered my post from earlier? I’m honestly feeling sorry for your DD and the hate she’s been getting here. You haven’t clarified if she has actually said she is embarrassed or if you have simply projected your concerns onto her.

As she gets older, I expect the space she needs will be less

You’re wrong

Omg you consider 90k reasonably lucky! Try minimum wage, I’m sick of people saying well we live in an expensive area so a wage of 90k doesn’t stretch far, I’m sure the average family on minimum wage living in an average area hearts bleed for you.

I don't think anyone has been giving the daughter hate have they?! It's not her fault she feels poor. I think the worst comment is 'little madam' and that barely scrapes harsh!

On 90k a year I would move somewhere she won’t feel like this anymore, even if it’s a cheaper rental area where you can get a bigger property for less.

I'm gobsmacked that you would seriously move house just because your 9yo's friends have bigger houses.

I do think comparison is useful purely because dc grow up often only seeing what is immediately around them. I certainly did. I do not think showing bank balances is appropriate because wealth isn't whats in the bank but where it goes and why. My ds1 (granted a lot younger ) started thinking we were poor. We talked through why and ot came down to lots of assumptions that weren't true.

So for example there is a lot of diversity in his school. Some families who are hugely struggling financially and some who are wealthy so he had got a bit confused as to what sort of benchmarks.

Rather than direct comparison we talk ed about our own lives. He remembers a time when I brought in a lot of money but he also remembered I wasn't around a lot. (I wasn't the money and the company car and credit card were great but it also meant working from 7am to 9pm ). We talked about when I was out of work in covid due to childcare and the fact that we had a lot less but I was home all the time. He asked how much money we had and we explained that sometimes we had a lot of money in the bank but it needed to be used for x , Y and Z so although we had it we couldn't spend it.

It ultimately took time to mix it all up and work put what true wealth is. Lots of seeing the world from other eyes. Understanding that GP and Gm had a lot of money but that was because they were older. That Nain (Welsh DP mother ) had very little but that was because she had a son with a severe disability so could only work certainhours. He started to realise that no we didn't have a lot of money but to get it we would have to give up other things like time together.

Poor isn't a simple word. Some people have all the financial trappings but its on credit. Others have it because they work 80 hours a week and yes fair enough some have it and have the best of both worlds but it took a very long time for him to unpick all of that.

I would just keep ticking on reminding of the value of not just money but time and choices. As well as identifying poor financially is not a moral filling. Its not always a bad thing.

This is never as an easy issue as we all think it is so dc won't get it straight away. Let's be honest a lot of adults don't truly understand it .

You need to teach her gratitude
We live in a dodgy area but I dont consider us poor we earn a good wage, 2 cars latest gadgets. Money never an issue

Our children are aware of how lucky they are

We talk about children who live in hotels with no cooking facilities, who have to move rooms every few days

We give them money a few times a year to buy supplies for homeless charities socks, toothpaste, batteries, chocolate, ketchup etc

Other times we buy children's pjs and underwear for the local women's refuge

Every night we talk about 3 things that happened that day that we are grateful for

Children dont automatically learn compassion and gratitude, its up to you as a parent to teach them

@denverRegina

"I volunteer at a FB and a parent actually asked if his DS could come and 'watch' as the food he had kindly donated was given out ..... do people really think that would be acceptable?"

@Ragwort the mind boggles. This thread does go to show that people do think it is acceptable.

"Take her to a foodbank"
"This is why I want to take DD to India"
"Find a friend with a council flat"

Seriously, what a sad sad world.

I absolutely agree, very sad that anyone thinks that using others to demonstrate ‘This is how lucky you are’ is acceptable. How misguided and disgusting can you be!

I had an average childhood, my DCs had a much more financially deprived one. Thank goodness this was before social media, expensive designer clothing and unrealistic expectations. Living in a small village was a real bonus as no peer pressure to conform.

I worked hard to give them the best I could do and I think they appreciated it.

We went through this stage but it was due to me refusing to buy tech and one year taking a holiday in the U.K. (we lived in a 5 bed house, not London so cost less than a London flat to buy!) one of my DD's thought we were poor because we only had one car! (It was bought new and outright, her friends with multiple cars had them on pcps). They do get past the stage of simply fixating on stuff and mine have always been keen on "buying" things from the oxfam catalogue like a goat or a toilet

My daughter was like this, we are public sector workers in a small house in a posh area. We had it for years about horses (not having one), dropping her off away from school so old car wasn't seen, ashamed of holidays in our caravan, iPhone arguments, why don't we have a big house, why are we poor (we are not poor!) etc. She's now 25, in her first proper job, the penny has dropped about how hard it can be to earn a decent wage and get decent housing, and the realisation that many people we know have benefited from substantial inheritance. But it's been at least 15 years of the same mantra from both sides, which is quite wearing

My god children are like this ! Apparently they always ask why they are poor don’t have a bigger house ect . However their mother maybe unknowingly is always saying things like this but on a more adult fashion . She is never satisfied although she would deny it .
This may not be the case with yourself ( most probably not ) but maybe your children pick it up from other children’s parents ???? Or it’s just children being children and saying things to irritate

Oh snd said friend always puts a lot of importance on how much things cost . She knows the values of friends home ect ( very weird )

Some people have all the financial trappings but its on credit. Others have it because they work 80 hours a week and yes fair enough some have it and have the best of both worlds but it took a very long time for him to unpick all of that.

I hope whilst you are inviting him to judge how others choose to live, and trotting out worn out old tropes, you also remind him that there are also plenty of people who work 80 hour weeks who are still poor, that a lot of people are working just to keep a roof over their head and most aren’t just making the choice between “time together” and “all the trappings.” It sounds very much like you have given him the idea that anyone who is doing well financially is maxed out on credit or ignoring their children.

All kids are like this and telling them children are starving in Africa makes no difference. They are finding their place in the world relative to their peers. Personally I would use it as an opportunity to motivate them to work hard at school and be successful instead of trying to make them understand they are not poor. Most adults in relative poverty in the U.K. don't care that they are still substantially richer than 80 percent of the population and have free health care and a welfare state - if adults don't get it why would you expect a 9 year old to do it

@Comefromaway

If I lived in London I'd be permanently skint as I'd be going to the theatre every week!

That was my life until 14 months ago. 😥 And not just in London, I used to catch the train all over the country to see plays that weren't on locally.

I've saved a fortune since lockdown which I fully intend to spend on even more theatre tickets when all this is over.

It can sometimes be hard for adults, let alone kids, to appreciate their objective good fortune when surrounded by people who are even better off. Humans are creatures of comparison and status - it takes an effort to transcend that. I sometimes struggle with this as literally everyone we know is much better off that us, largely because they came from well-to-do families. We have worked our socks off and achieved a lot, but will never be able to have the lifestyle they take for granted. We are in the top 2percent of earnings/wealth but when you are poor compared with your peers it is easy to lose sight of objective reality. Im convinced many people would rather earn £50,000 a year if all their peer group earned £40,000 a year than earn £100,000 a year if everyone they knew earned £150,000. And all these homilies about love being more important than money? Well, yes. But guess what? A lot of rich people love their families too without having to face the stresses being hard up can put on relationships.