Daughter thinks we are poor

[MollysMummy2010]

This is no way a stealth brag as I know I am reasonably lucky.

Between me and DH we earn £90k per year but we live in London and poor choices in our youth mean we rent. My 9 year old DD has a small bedroom but has lived in the same place all her life. She has (pre Covid) had all the opportunities her friends have had re clubs, activities etc and I don't think she is aware that we rent rather then own our home.

Some of her friends live in huge houses and she seems to resent us for the fact that we don't. I try to teach her the value of money, and also, that as there are only three of us, how much space to we really need?

I am worried she will be embarrassed but don't want her to be!
What do I do?

[Moonpeg]

I have a 9 year old daughter and this would never cross her mind. She knows no difference between friends who are more well off than others. It’s just something she would never ask. She has a tiny bedroom and never questioned this either.

[Scarby9]

An 8 year old in a class I taught once explained being poor to her classmates as 'Not having a horse'.
She was the only person on the room who had a horse.

[CorianderBee]

Make her watch Poor Kids: children below the breadline on BBC?

[Divebar2021]

How can anyone say you should be saving on your income without knowing what your outgoings are? 🤷‍♀️

[fiheka]

I knew a girl who thought her family were poor because although she lived in a large detached 5 bedroom house, she did not have a pony.
Children need to be taught what being poor means. They do not automatically know.

[gelatodipistacchio]

That must be very distressing, OP!

I can see it must be hard for children to grow up in a situation where they are poor relative to their classmates. I would probably stay cheerful and matter-of-fact and hope she can develop some resilience.

[kindlekeeper]

Do kids really care? This comes from parental angst, perhaps less as later teens. It depends on social setting, phones trainers etc less important in aristo setting but more in modern day wealth. Most in between. They shouldn’t care and it’s our job to teach them all humans are level and should be equally treated.

Hopefully our children are educated by us and schools to realise we can all be either end of the spectrum with both/either luck and hard work.

[gelatodipistacchio]

@Divebar2021 seriously! How does the person on £50k for a whole family finance their house????!!!?

[ilovepixie]

I watched a programme about working mums, one of the mums worked like 80 hours a week, business trips away and so on, lived in a huge house with nannies and various staff, Never saw her child in the week, the mum came back from a business trip and bought the 8 year old child an expensive toy. The child wasn't interested in the toy, she wanted to show the mum a picture she drew at school. The mum says go away and play with the toy, it cost a lot of money and mummy is tired and needs to relax. The child's face was heartbreaking, you can have all the money in the world but if the love or time isn't there then you have nothing.

[ThePlantsitter]

It's not all that easy to buy a house in London on 90k, whoever it was who didn't understand. Rent and presumably childcare will eat up a lot of that.

You can take her to foodbanks etc if you like and it certainly won't do any harm but ultimately it's just a question of her realising what's important to her. You could ask her questions like 'do you think a big bedroom would make you happier?' and ask exactly why. Maybe money is and will be important to her and fine, that can be her goal as an adult. But it's more likely that her values are somewhere in line with your own and she just needs to discover that. No doubt like everything else this will go in phases. Sometimes your house will be cosy perfection to her and sometimes a cramped hovel. Your job is only to provide comfort and love and live how you see fit!

[gwenneh]

@TableFlowerss

£90k is a lot of money. I’m struggling to understand why you can’t but your own property to be honest. DH earns £50k and I earn a few hundred a month and we save about £1000k a month.

I know that £90k sounds a lot, but I know you’ll pay a lot of tax on that, but if we can save £12k a year in theory you should be able to save about £30k each year.

A couple of years then that £60k and I’m sure that would get you a deposit for a descent 2 bed property.

Hard to save if you're paying London rents. Our rent on a 3 bed topped £2k pcm.

It's a lot of money, but a few debts and a big rent bill on top of it, and you're basically out of the property game. We were, for a long time.

[Mmn654123]

@Divebar2021

How can anyone say you should be saving on your income without knowing what your outgoings are? 🤷‍♀️

Some people like to be judgemental and smug......

[blueshoes]

Some children are more aware of material differences than others. A 9 year old could notice this. I think it is a good life lesson to learn that life is unfair and there will always be people better off and worse off than you.

The question is, does she want to pull herself up and how hard is she prepared to work for it. Having less is great for putting fire in the belly.

PS I have never been able to get my children to think about those less fortunate than themselves. My teenagers are not particularly impressed about girls who walk miles to get water in the desert.

[RoseMartha]

I have 13, 14 year olds with this attitude one with ASD.

Always trying to make me feel ashamed that we dont live in a house anymore. (We lived in a modest house until I divorced my abusive ex). They feel the flat is beneath them and would not choose to invite friends over who would see where we live. Instead when we are at family members house they will take pictures and pass it off as their home on SM.


They think I should get a better job to give them the lifestyle they think they deserve. They feel I should save really hard to buy a four bed solid 1920-1930's type detached house with large garden.

They also want to leave as soon as they are 18 for something better that they are convinced they will be able to afford. I have explained about bills etc. I think they think I am making it up about how many bills etc.

We havent got a lot that is true. But they have clothes and shoes and food etc and dont go to bed hungry. (I will go without if needed when if they need something). They have smart phones but despise me because they feel they deserve iphones. In normal times we go away for a short uk break once a year which also is not enough they tell me.

They dont want to know or care about people and teens who are living below the breadline.

I have watched documentaries with them about poor families here and abroad and they did get it at the time. But as it doesnt effect them they dont care now.

No answers OP but sympathise.

[Biffbaff]

Cry me a river! Perhaps she should start doing chores for pocket money and learn the hard way!

[Moonpeg]

ilovepixie
That’s so sad. Poor child. My sisters a nursery nurse has been a nanny in the past and this happens a lot.

[5zeds]

Arf. Mine think we’re poor. We aren’t. Children get weird ideas. Tell her you have enough.

[MyNameForToday1980]

@MollysMummy2010 we're in a similar position, we live in London, both on decent salaries (one six figure, one mid five figure) and we still rent. Largely because we faffed around in our 20's (pre banking crisis) and have since been priced out of our area to buy.

Like you, DD(4.5)'s friends all have large, three storey, five+ bedroom, houses - and I must admit I feel a little jealous.

But like we tell her - we're lucky, we're some of the luckiest people in the WORLD - we have plenty of food, a comfortable place to live, she has toys, we take holidays, and we all love each other and are kind to each other - there is so much we all need to remember to be grateful for.

I'm still slightly bitter I don't have a three storey, five+ bed house though ;-)

[blueshoes]

RoseMartin

You could not have done more for them. I hope one day when they have to pay those bills with the no doubt high paying jobs they are able to easily secure, they will appreciate your sacrifices and feel ashamed.

[ThePlantsitter]

Yeah but the truth is some people are rich without working hard or spending all their time away. It's not one or the other. It's just a question of sucking it up, striving for more if that's important to you, or sticking to your convictions if it isn't. It's not always that easy when others' houses are all marble kitchens and farrow & Ball but all that stuff is just secondary to what really matters. It's good for 9 year olds to realise this. Many people never do!

[chloeb8]

@TableFlowerss

To add- it’s better to buy simply because you’re paying your own mortgage and one day that will finish and the money will be yours. Most people can only dream of earning that kind of money do I’m surprised you’re not saving to buy as it’s within your reach easily, whereas some people it absolutely isn’t and they’d do anything to be able to afford their own home, instead of paying off someone else’s mortgage

Yes okay you’ve made your point - twice. OP was not asking for a financial management lesson .

[grapewine]

They feel the flat is beneath them and would not choose to invite friends over who would see where we live. Instead when we are at family members house they will take pictures and pass it off as their home on SM.

Influencer culture has a lot to answer for. This is so sad to read. Congrats for getting away from the abusive ex, RoseMartha

[KeyboardWorriers]

I don't think it is ok to criticize the child in this situation.

Our reality is largely set by our experiences, especially at that age. So if she is surrounded by far wealthier children she is going to have a skewed perception of reality.

Yes as parents we can continue to ensure our children are aware of other lives and how much harder they might be. But we can't deny her reality, in the world she mainly inhabits she has far less than a lot of the other children.

[blueshoes]

I agree it is the influencer culture and social media. People are supposed to have perfect lives and material goods without seemingly having to work for it.

OP's dd might be too young to have a smartphone though.

[Nannyamc]

Have they grandparents that can tell them a few home thruths?
We were brought up on what was available. Never questioned it as all were in the same boat.