Daughter thinks we are poor

[MollysMummy2010]

This is no way a stealth brag as I know I am reasonably lucky.

Between me and DH we earn £90k per year but we live in London and poor choices in our youth mean we rent. My 9 year old DD has a small bedroom but has lived in the same place all her life. She has (pre Covid) had all the opportunities her friends have had re clubs, activities etc and I don't think she is aware that we rent rather then own our home.

Some of her friends live in huge houses and she seems to resent us for the fact that we don't. I try to teach her the value of money, and also, that as there are only three of us, how much space to we really need?

I am worried she will be embarrassed but don't want her to be!
What do I do?

[Belladonna12]

I don't see the issue. She is only nine so will inevitably only make crude comparisons between herself and her friends. As she gets older she will realise you are not hard up and that size of the house doesn't mean everything. My children used to comment on the fact our house was smaller than most of their friends (huge) houses. I told them that they were lucky not to be embarrassed by having a larger house than everyone else as I used to be when I was a child. I used to really really hate it and didn't want to invite people around until they knew me well and that I wasn't a "posh snob". My siblings have said the same thing.

[Happyher]

When young my friend had a much bigger house than mine and we considered her family ‘posh’. I envied and loved her house but never in a jealous way. She envied me my Dad as her mum was divorced. 55 years later we’re still best friends. Her own house is bigger than mine but I know it’s because she feels she has to maintain status and we both love and enjoy each other’s houses

[Exhausted4ever]

@TableFlowerss

£90k is a lot of money. I’m struggling to understand why you can’t but your own property to be honest. DH earns £50k and I earn a few hundred a month and we save about £1000k a month.

I know that £90k sounds a lot, but I know you’ll pay a lot of tax on that, but if we can save £12k a year in theory you should be able to save about £30k each year.

A couple of years then that £60k and I’m sure that would get you a deposit for a descent 2 bed property.

Do you live in cental London though? It's very much about location with annual incomes. Where I life you'd be extremely well off on 90k a year. Where I grew up, you'd be comfortable but not rich

[Maggiesfarm]

Don't worry about it, there will be plenty of other things to occupy your daughter's mind over the years. You are not really poor, its all relative and in a few years you'll likely be better off anyway.

It's funny how things just come to children at different times. I can remember realising that my parents and lifestyle/home were poor by many standards. I never said anything because I knew they didn't consider themselves to be poor. We certainly never went without.

[Rollercoaster21]

God OP, are you me? Same income, renters, small house, banger of a car! DS says the same thing to me! I just talk about how lucky we are to be healthy, loved and have a nice life ALL the time!!!

[Exhausted4ever]

@RoseMartha

I have 13, 14 year olds with this attitude one with ASD.

Always trying to make me feel ashamed that we dont live in a house anymore. (We lived in a modest house until I divorced my abusive ex). They feel the flat is beneath them and would not choose to invite friends over who would see where we live. Instead when we are at family members house they will take pictures and pass it off as their home on SM.

They think I should get a better job to give them the lifestyle they think they deserve. They feel I should save really hard to buy a four bed solid 1920-1930's type detached house with large garden.

They also want to leave as soon as they are 18 for something better that they are convinced they will be able to afford. I have explained about bills etc. I think they think I am making it up about how many bills etc.

We havent got a lot that is true. But they have clothes and shoes and food etc and dont go to bed hungry. (I will go without if needed when if they need something). They have smart phones but despise me because they feel they deserve iphones. In normal times we go away for a short uk break once a year which also is not enough they tell me.

They dont want to know or care about people and teens who are living below the breadline.

I have watched documentaries with them about poor families here and abroad and they did get it at the time. But as it doesnt effect them they dont care now.

No answers OP but sympathise.

How absolutely awful and ungrateful of your children!

[Ireolu]

This thread reminds me of an article in the daily fail where people were asked what things they thought meant a person had made it in life. These are adults....list included a super car, an iPhone, a large TV etc etc. It made me chuckle as it was ever so slightly ridiculous. We went from poor (made fun of by cousins and classmates poor) to parents doing a better financially so we could afford more. The poor times really helped the grounding and understanding that stuff can go in a flash. Also reinforced that hard work and luck can change situations. Happiness is about the people you do life with and not about stuff.

[forinborin]

Yes, my kids are the same (younger than your DD) - I am on a similar income gross, but significantly lower net as a single person. The worst thing was when they brought back this from school - "well, mum, you just have to go to work as all other parents do, then we'll be rich!". I am working, 60-70 hours a week.

[Weareallvirgins]

Tell her to get a paper round.

[soupforbrains]

Kids have a strange perception of wealth as they have only experienced their own little part of the world.

At primary school I thought my family were really really rich because I went to a state school in a not great area and my parents had a very good income so my house was twice the size of all my class mates.

Then I won a scholarship to a private secondary school and spent the next 7 years believing we were poor.

In reality we were well off, not super rich, but firmly middle class and stable etc. and I had all the opportunities and advantages I could have asked for. As a child though you just compare yourself to those around you. Don’t worry about it too much but try to talk to her about the realities of how some people live.

The recent debacle about the food packages for families instead of free school meals was a great teaching opportunity if you want your child to realise that they are well off.

[Tigger1895]

We earn more than other family member but because we hadn’t bought a holiday home my kids felt less well off. However they don’t feel as entitled as the children of those that did buy. I prefer my kids to their ever demanding brats.

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

Tell her to stop being such an ungrateful brat?

[Pollaidh]

Please be careful not to over-emphasise the impact of hard work. Yes, we should definitely encourage them to work hard at school, but when children are brought up believing only hard work = success, then some of them start to believe it's poor people's own fault they're poor, because they 'don't work hard enough'.

The reality is - and I volunteer with disadvantaged but clever teenagers - that it takes hard work AND luck, and that luck is in short supply in some families.

Sometimes the luck is being born into a rich family, but it can also be having a teacher take an interest in you in your really low-attainment school, or being spotted for the kind of programme I volunteer with.

For some kids though, the really poor kids in terrible home circumstances, or those caring for disabled parents, or looking after hordes of siblings, however clever they are, however hard they work, it will always be like climbing Everest without oxygen.

[Gilly12345]

Your daughter is 9 so doesn’t really understand yet what is important in life and she is just comparing her home to other people’s homes.

However I know you live in London which is expensive but don’t understand why you are not saving for the future and a better home?

I know this is your business but £90k is a lot of money to either have a decent home, savings, decent car?

[secular39]

@ThePlantsitter

My daughter thinks we are poor because I won't buy her an iPhone. Honestly kids have no idea of what poor looks like they just fixate on one thing ime. You are not poor and even if you were as long as you are giving her a loving and supportive home with lots of educational opportunities she is fine. That's what matters in the long run and she will know this when she grows up even if right now she thinks having to sleep in a single bed instead of a double is real depravation. It isn't.

Wow. I wish there were more parents like you. Good on you for saying no to an IPhone. One of my DC's is asking for the iPhone Pro Max- I said over my dead body.

[RoseMartha]

Thank you for your messages 🤗*@blueshoes and @grapewine and @Mellonsprite*

I dont think things were helped when my now ex (before he moved out the family home), said to me in front of the kids and in a contemptuous tone that I would not be able to afford to live without him.

@Wallywobbles
We will have to try this

Today my asd teen moaned about me being poor because I parked for free near town which meant we had to walk for ten minutes to get to the shops. For one necessary item. (Teen can not cope to go to town or be dropped in town without an adult.) And thought that it was actually in her best interests that I paid £7 to park for an hour in a car park we walked through, to save her legs as walking was too much effort. 🙄

I told her there were only a couple of reasons I would pay that much to park all day. One being if we were at the hospital as the parking fee there is horrendous.

[Whatflavourjellybabyisnice]

@thelegohooverer

She’s 9. It’s just normal development to start to notice her relative position in the world. There’s no need for a big intervention, or to sign her up to work in a soup kitchen. It’s a very normal phase and it passes.

At that age my dd decided she was mega rich when she realised some of her friends families rented and didn’t own cars. Until we were plunged into dire poverty by the discovery of another friend’s dedicated cinema room.

Just listen without taking any of it personally. I think that encouraging a good work ethic, learning to budget and gently encouraging her growing social awareness is all that’s really required.

100% this. No shaming involved.

[HmmmmmmInteresting]

@BabyofMine

The fact she’s making it known to you is proof she’s doesn’t really believe it.

I grew up poor surrounded by poor friends and we knew it. We would never have dared say anything that might make our parents feel bad about it because we knew how hard they worked, what things had befallen on them to get there, etc, and whilst we might secretly have dreamed of finding out we were suddenly rich, we would have been mortified if we made our parents ashamed.

I agree

[YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators]

OP, I think previous posters who have focused on your family's sense of security and having enough to live comfortably while loving each other are so right. Being contented with enough is such an important lesson and one which will hopefully steer humanity away from a cliff edge.
My DC are a bit worried we are poor, but only because their particular friends (in quite a mixed suburban primary) come from much better off families. A couple of DC's friends have remarked on the size of our small house, and they occasionally come home from their friends' houses itching with comparison.
DP and I are professionals in the public sector, fairly low paid. Working with vulnerable groups and being politically active helps with context, the DC hear us discuss issues in society impacting our work, so realise there are those far worse off. We try to keep consumption and travel to a minimum on environmental grounds, so holiday in the UK and always buy second hand clothing, tech, furniture, appliances, toys etc. As they've grown older, the DC now understand that lifestyle can be informed by values, and just because you have the means to acquire possessions, it doesn't mean you have to or necessarily should. Instead, they know we are debt free, are able to save, and help us choose which charitable causes to support.

[Remaker]

My kids haven’t ever been too worried about comparisons with others but they were aware that some friends lived in much bigger houses than ours and had nicer cars etc. But since starting secondary school at a public selective (Australian equivalent of a grammar) they feel extremely privileged to live in a modest sized house in a nice suburb. They’ve seen many of their friends don’t live in nice areas, can’t afford to go on holidays etc. It has made them more aware of money so they will share food with a friend who has no money for lunch or will make sure their group goes out somewhere cheap/free so everyone can join in. DD always asks if we can give her friend a lift home from sport as her family don’t have a car and she wouldn’t be able to play evening games as it’s too late to travel home alone on the train. She couldn’t care less that our car isn’t fancy.

Our neighbours basically live in an identical house to ours but send their kids to very expensive private schools. Kids are too embarrassed to bring their friends home, keep nagging for a better car as they hate being seen in the family car. They’re old enough to work part time but won’t because none of their friends do, so why should they.

We’ve always been open with our kids that most people have to make choices about finances. If we have a big house we couldn’t afford holidays. If they went to private schools they couldn’t play all the sports they do now. And I remind them how fortunate they are to have food on the table and a warm bed. I’m sure that barely penetrates the teenage brain but I keep trying!

[expatinspain]

I haven't read the entire thread, so apologies if I'm repeating what has been said already. The problem these days is that kids are bombarded with shallow, materialistic content online and even if they don't have a phone, they'll have friends who do or who are already picking it up from their older brothers and sisters. The Insta world they live in now is all about façade, opulence, materialism, narcissism etc and it takes a real individual to take a stand against that and most kids are not individuals, they want to fit in with their peer group. I think you have to keep talking to her, try to keep her grounded in reality and ignore some of the stupid comments she comes out with or you'll end up feeling hurt by her selfishness and lack of gratitude for what she has. She'll grow out of it. Kids are selfish and influenced by their peers. It's always been that way, the only difference is that years ago they didn't have the social media/tik tok influence that they do now.

[Middersweekly]

My 4DC aged 18,16,14 and 9 all had varied upbringings. When we had DC’s 1&2 we were definitely in the ‘poor’ bracket (not quite breadline but not far off as DC always had food on the table and clothes in their back). By DD4 that had turned around and we were in the middle class bracket. DD4 never really had to experience poverty and DD3 doesn’t really remember much about not having much. They all have friends on wildly different ends of the poverty-wealth spectrum, some in very small apartments living frugally and some in huge villas with their own swimming pools and bags of disposable income. They know that we are average. They would never say anything to their friends re-homes, holidays or possessions. I’ve tried to instill the value of money from the get go with all of them. We live modestly. No wild luxuries. DC know we’ve had to work hard for this modest lifestyle and are grateful for it. The older 2 especially have seen how hard work has enabled their current lifestyle. I think it’s important for children to understand what real poverty means.

[fishonabicycle]

She will just have to learn that different people have different lifestyles! My son had friends with huge houses and others with small ones.

[theleafandnotthetree]

@Pollaidh

Please be careful not to over-emphasise the impact of hard work. Yes, we should definitely encourage them to work hard at school, but when children are brought up believing only hard work = success, then some of them start to believe it's poor people's own fault they're poor, because they 'don't work hard enough'.

The reality is - and I volunteer with disadvantaged but clever teenagers - that it takes hard work AND luck, and that luck is in short supply in some families.

Sometimes the luck is being born into a rich family, but it can also be having a teacher take an interest in you in your really low-attainment school, or being spotted for the kind of programme I volunteer with.

For some kids though, the really poor kids in terrible home circumstances, or those caring for disabled parents, or looking after hordes of siblings, however clever they are, however hard they work, it will always be like climbing Everest without oxygen.

I agree, it's much more nuanced than just hard work = success. I always emphasise to mine how predominately LUCKY they/we are, to be born into a developed country with a safety net at this time in human history, to a family with a reasonable income, where my education was paid for by the State (well, by my fellow citizens) and there's largely will be too. And where they are healthy and have lots of people to love and support them. Some people, maybe even most people are starting from a different place and no matter how hard they work will also need a measure of the kind of luck they are just born with to do well or just ok in life. And of course I also remind them that success looks like something different for everyone and that ultimately, it is the quality of the human relationships which are the most important thing