Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband that his parents cant come over

264 replies

alwaystired234 · 06/05/2021 13:45

Husband has very on and off relationship with his family and will make effort every 4 or 5 months then not taking at all inbetween and has not seen his parents in a year. Purely his and their choices. hes told me yesterday that they will be coming over on Saturday to celebrate his mums birthday. They live 4 hours away and will be driving. I told him that I'm not sure that it's a good idea as its scheduled to rain and we will not be able to stay in the garden the entire time. I told him why dont we wait a couple of weeks until we can stay inside and I will cook a nice meal and it will be a pleasant experience. He has told me that we can come inside if it's cold (which I've said no to) and theyve booked time off specifically to come over. But haven't even asked beforehand. Am I being unreasonable for telling my husband they can t come over?

OP posts:
Lollypop4 · 06/05/2021 16:24

@alwaystired234

I feel a lot better after the last few messages. unfortunately just washing my hands of the situation will not fly and if I do not cater then I will be treated like public enemy number one by everyone
Then you are creating the problem too by allowing your DH and his family to treat you like a maid at the drop of a hat! Either go out for the day or let Dh host completely . There is no point winging about this when you are going to allow it to happen anyway
MarkUp · 06/05/2021 16:26

But can you invite 10 people without telling your DH, then expect HIM to cook and clean for them?

This I do agree with. I wouldn't say no but I'd be telling him to do this himself.

But yeah sorry, can't get worked up about having people indoors at this point.

mam0918 · 06/05/2021 16:26

@Bluntness100

I don’t really understand how this works, why you’re the boss and he needs to obey? He can invite his parents to his own home, hopefully with your agreement, if not you can just leave, what you don’t get to do is tell him no. He’s not your child.
Except it is her home just as much as his but its NOT the parents... He can travel 4 hours to visit his parents if its that important why should she have to leave HER home for visitors (on top of it currently being illegal).
AlmostSummer21 · 06/05/2021 16:27

[quote alwaystired234]@lweji if I dont cater the entire thing then I will be treated like I am sabotaging their relationship[/quote]
They don't respect you, he doesn't respect you.

YOU need to start respecting yourself.

Say 'NO, it's not happening. It's against the law and I am not dropping my plans to accommodate your parents demands. You don't talk to them for months on end, I'm the one that communicates with them and they still treat me like crap. I am NOT catering, they are NOT breaking the law in my house. NO'

Stop pandering to him & his parents, none of the respect or care about YOU

💐

Harriedharriet · 06/05/2021 16:27

[quote alwaystired234]@lweji if I dont cater the entire thing then I will be treated like I am sabotaging their relationship[/quote]
"am glad for you DH that they are coming - let's get some take away/M&S/the cook down the road food in as it is a bit last minute and we are not prepared. How about we spend XXX. "

PurpleBiro21 · 06/05/2021 16:28

[quote alwaystired234]@lweji if I dont cater the entire thing then I will be treated like I am sabotaging their relationship[/quote]
Turn it back, they are sabotaging the relationship by not giving you the courtesy of notice.

Justilou1 · 06/05/2021 16:28

I'd let him and them cater it between them. Make it very clear that you will be inside (working?) and won't be disturbed, and they can get fucked.

ineedaholidaynow · 06/05/2021 16:28

2 weeks makes a difference otherwise why would we have a roadmap (although I am sure a fair few on here have ignored that as much as possible). Another 2 weeks would mean more people vaccinated and within the 3 week period after the vaccine, case rates lower etc.

However, in this case I think COVID is the least of the OP's worries.

MarkUp · 06/05/2021 16:28

Except it is her home just as much as his but its NOT the parents... He can travel 4 hours to visit his parents if its that important why should she have to leave HER home for visitors

Do people never do things for their partners that they don't particularly want to do?

I'm not jumping for joy at the thought of my BIL coming over soon, but DH wants to see him so I'll smile and make conversation and won't be telling DH 'no he can't because it's MY HOUSE TOO and I don't want him here' because you know, I love him and he wants to see his family...

Harriedharriet · 06/05/2021 16:29

We will organize a cheering squad for you to rally you along. :)

Seriously, I understand last minute and no help but- once a year? Pretty good innings!

LannieDuck · 06/05/2021 16:30

Just tell him you're not cooking for 10 shrug. If he genuinely can't cook, he can order catering from M&S or something.

And if he wants a clean house for them, he can clean it himself or book a cleaner.

I8toys · 06/05/2021 16:30

Id meet half way at a restaurant outdoors.

gamerchick · 06/05/2021 16:31

[quote alwaystired234]@museumum thankyou. I'm not this evil cow, he does whatever he wants 99% of the time. I'm just not a fan of being told I'm going to have to drop all of my plans cook for 10 (because he won't) with no notice. That's why I said I'd do it in a couple of weeks when the restrictions have lifted and I could prepare, not have to cancel all of the plans i already had and would be a nice day[/quote]
He will because he doesnt have a choice. I'd go out in the morning if I had to.

You can't stop him having his family over but you can say it's all on him.

C8H10N4O2 · 06/05/2021 16:31

@Bluntness100

I don’t really understand how this works, why you’re the boss and he needs to obey? He can invite his parents to his own home, hopefully with your agreement, if not you can just leave, what you don’t get to do is tell him no. He’s not your child.
And she isn't his housekeeper.

If you intend to invite a bunch of people over and expect your partner to cater then you discuss it with them first. That is basic manners.

In covid times we still have restrictions in many areas so he is also dictating a potential breach of the law.

But yes obviously he has a DW problem Hmm

Harriedharriet · 06/05/2021 16:31

@MarkUp

Except it is her home just as much as his but its NOT the parents... He can travel 4 hours to visit his parents if its that important why should she have to leave HER home for visitors

Do people never do things for their partners that they don't particularly want to do?

I'm not jumping for joy at the thought of my BIL coming over soon, but DH wants to see him so I'll smile and make conversation and won't be telling DH 'no he can't because it's MY HOUSE TOO and I don't want him here' because you know, I love him and he wants to see his family...

THIS. 100%

Comprise is implicit in a relationship surely?

mainsfed · 06/05/2021 16:32

I would take a part in a rally to cheer OP on to either be away that day or do no hosting - no cooking, no M&S bits etc.

AlmostSummer21 · 06/05/2021 16:32

@Bluntness100

So it’s his sibling coming over with their kids? And his dad?

It’s quite a big gathering to be fair, but did you have something else planned? What difference does two weeks make?

Honest to God, even you should know what difference a couple of weeks can make by now.

If you don't, book a lesson with a mathematician or a scientist.

mainsfed · 06/05/2021 16:32

Why are people making the feeding of these 10 people OP’s problem?

Harriedharriet · 06/05/2021 16:33

But C8H she does not have to cater. They may expect but she can say no.

ineedaholidaynow · 06/05/2021 16:33

Where's the compromise where OP is expected to host and cater for 10 people?

Lweji · 06/05/2021 16:33

[quote alwaystired234]@lweji if I dont cater the entire thing then I will be treated like I am sabotaging their relationship[/quote]
You're not a caterer, are you?
Even caterers need warning and can say no to a job.
You're being treated like an employee. Hmm

OmniversalSpecies2021 · 06/05/2021 16:34

if I dont cater the entire thing then I will be treated like I am sabotaging their relationship

He's doinmg that himself by his own lack of relationship and involvement/communications with them!
He's emotionally blackmailing, guilt tripping and gaslighting you.

He chooes to ignore his parents for months, then when he decides to throw them a bone to keep them 'quiet' off his back .......he invites them over expecting you to take on the responsibilities thereon?!!!!

Why do you care about the opinions of people who don't give two shits about yours?!!!
And walk all over you???

When the accusations of "ruining their relationship" start - give him some home truths about his own 'relationship/communications' with his own family.....

Harriedharriet · 06/05/2021 16:35

Why are people making the feeding of these 10 people OP’s problem?

The OP is making it her problem.

swimlittlefishy · 06/05/2021 16:35

@mainsfed

Why are people making the feeding of these 10 people OP’s problem?
Because she has told us all that it is her problem?
Harriedharriet · 06/05/2021 16:37

@OmniversalSpecies2021

if I dont cater the entire thing then I will be treated like I am sabotaging their relationship

He's doinmg that himself by his own lack of relationship and involvement/communications with them!
He's emotionally blackmailing, guilt tripping and gaslighting you.

He chooes to ignore his parents for months, then when he decides to throw them a bone to keep them 'quiet' off his back .......he invites them over expecting you to take on the responsibilities thereon?!!!!

Why do you care about the opinions of people who don't give two shits about yours?!!!
And walk all over you???

When the accusations of "ruining their relationship" start - give him some home truths about his own 'relationship/communications' with his own family.....

Hells bells - that is quite a read.

Could it also be something much more simple?

After a year in lockdown?

They come once a year. Obviously with a complicated relationship. Don't cater but don't block the visit.