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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my husband that his parents cant come over

264 replies

alwaystired234 · 06/05/2021 13:45

Husband has very on and off relationship with his family and will make effort every 4 or 5 months then not taking at all inbetween and has not seen his parents in a year. Purely his and their choices. hes told me yesterday that they will be coming over on Saturday to celebrate his mums birthday. They live 4 hours away and will be driving. I told him that I'm not sure that it's a good idea as its scheduled to rain and we will not be able to stay in the garden the entire time. I told him why dont we wait a couple of weeks until we can stay inside and I will cook a nice meal and it will be a pleasant experience. He has told me that we can come inside if it's cold (which I've said no to) and theyve booked time off specifically to come over. But haven't even asked beforehand. Am I being unreasonable for telling my husband they can t come over?

OP posts:

randomer · 06/05/2021 15:22

They must be very hardy to withstand 8 hours driving in one day.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 06/05/2021 15:22

Oh, sorry, I had misunderstood, it is the parents-in-law who are being so rude. I'd be absolutely furious with them, but I'm not sure whether I'd have the guts to tell them that they shouldn't be coming over in the circumstances. Difficult.

LillyCherry · 06/05/2021 15:22

At the very least my OH would check with me first. If they wanted me to prepare food, they would check with me before talking to the guests.

They can wait a few weeks.

There will be another surge. The vaccination programme means we may not go into another lockdown.

PurpleBiro21 · 06/05/2021 15:24

When did they tell him and did he tell you immediately.

Forgetting Covid for a min, I’d be livid to expect to host so many with 48 hrs notice.

Cleaning
Shopping
Cooking.

I’d let him host.

Or buy take out for everyone.

PurpleBiro21 · 06/05/2021 15:27

My DH response to his parents would have been, ‘sat doesn’t work for us but give me some dates and I’ll discuss it with purple’.

We don’t mind drop-ins but hosting is a different matter. Mind you, me and my mates have done impromptu ‘sick it in the oven’, but even then I ask DH if it’s ok and he isn’t expected to do a thing.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/05/2021 15:28

@Meowchickameowmeow

My husband can invite his parents to our home whenever he wants, he doesn't need my permission. How weird to think he should.

Can we presume he cleans and tidies, provides whatever refreshments they may need and they don't impact on your life, should you have already chosen to do something else?

Weird is not treating your life partner with the most common of decencies - like discussing a family get together in your house. Note discussing rather than asking for permission. Cos it's always tweaked so that anyone who wants advance notice and an adult discussion prior to such an event is being controlling and making their adult partner ask for permission. Never accepted that adults who share a home should have proper communication about changes to routine that may effect each other!

phoenixrosehere · 06/05/2021 15:35

*I'm just not a fan of being told I'm going to have to drop all of my plans cook for 10 (because he won't) with no notice.

he didnt invite then. They just told him they were coming and had booked off the day before asking*

You have a major DH problem then. He could have told his parents, “Sorry but you should have checked with us before booking anything off and made plans. We have xyz, maybe we can do something else for the birthday.”

Definitely disappear and let him sort things on his own.

Aprilshowersandhail · 06/05/2021 15:39

If dh won't cook I would hand out sandwiches...
He is more of a cf than them imo.

Coffeepot72 · 06/05/2021 15:40

I have relatives who do this - they announce they are coming to stay and DH never has the b*lls to say no .....

I decided that the collective noun for a group of uninvited guests is "invasion".

Maggiesfarm · 06/05/2021 15:41

I voted 'you are not unreasonable', because I think your husband should have run it past you first.

Your suggestion for a later date when weather is better (and/or everyone vaccinated), is a good one but it is only a suggestion.

sergeilavrov · 06/05/2021 15:45

Stick to your no. The “what difference does a few weeks make” are the biggest whiners when lockdowns happen. Also the least likely to understand how important periods of monitoring are prior to opening up, in my experience. Thanks for being a responsible person.

mainsfed · 06/05/2021 15:45

OP, is he expecting you to cook?

Don't let him get away with inviting people without checking with you. Tell him he has to cook and host.

mainsfed · 06/05/2021 15:47

[quote alwaystired234]@museumum thankyou. I'm not this evil cow, he does whatever he wants 99% of the time. I'm just not a fan of being told I'm going to have to drop all of my plans cook for 10 (because he won't) with no notice. That's why I said I'd do it in a couple of weeks when the restrictions have lifted and I could prepare, not have to cancel all of the plans i already had and would be a nice day[/quote]
Sorry missed this post. Absolutely say you will not cook.

And then be out that day.

Muchmorethan · 06/05/2021 15:47

YANBU with the lack of notice and especially with the amount coming.

Your DH has however made it your problem and stress by not checking first. It isn't your problem...it's his. Therefore he needs to sort out any cleaning and catering arrangements.

Don't be a martyr and do it for him. Push it back on him and ask him what food he'll be cooking etc.

mainsfed · 06/05/2021 15:47

And MIL is a CF expecting other people to cook to celebrate her birthday.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 06/05/2021 15:49

My parents give me short notice when they visit and DH never minds. They drive from afar too.
I wouldn't be worried about following rules, it's nearly time for them to be over.
But I would want more than a couple of days notice for the catering!

MrsTrumpDuTurnip · 06/05/2021 15:50

@sergeilavrov

Completely agree The longer we can dilute this and vaccinate more people the better We are all reaching for the same goal

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 06/05/2021 15:51

@mainsfed

And MIL is a CF expecting other people to cook to celebrate her birthday.

Absolutely, unless MIL is actually invited by someone who is offering to cook to celebrate her birthday, or she cooks herself beforehand and then brings it along so that all the family has to do is provide the venue and the crockery and cutlery!

GCAcademic · 06/05/2021 15:51

No, you're not being unreasonable. Irrespective of Covid, I'd have steam coming out of my ears if I was informed by DH that I would be cooking for 10 people in 2 days' time, and would refuse to do it.

Have them round, but don't lift a finger.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 06/05/2021 15:52

You have a major DH problem then.

Lots of us are guilty of that. My parents don't give me the option to say no...

Cavagirl · 06/05/2021 15:56

YANBU

Must be quite a backstory here, he barely speaks to them and they feel entitled enough to invite themselves over? Why does he choose to barely speak to them?

Woodlandbelle · 06/05/2021 15:57

I'd get a takeaway if he isn't willing to cook or help. But I wouldnt not allow them for the sake of a week or so.

Lweji · 06/05/2021 15:58

I'm just not a fan of being told I'm going to have to drop all of my plans cook for 10 (because he won't) with no notice.

So, they starve, or he orders a take-away...

If anyone wants my collaboration, they check with me first if I'm up for it.

Original poster

alwaystired234 · 06/05/2021 15:59

I feel a lot better after the last few messages. unfortunately just washing my hands of the situation will not fly and if I do not cater then I will be treated like public enemy number one by everyone

OP posts:

6Helen7 · 06/05/2021 16:00

I said you were being unreasonable but I didn't realise there would be 10 people, I thought it was just his parents.

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