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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband that his parents cant come over

264 replies

alwaystired234 · 06/05/2021 13:45

Husband has very on and off relationship with his family and will make effort every 4 or 5 months then not taking at all inbetween and has not seen his parents in a year. Purely his and their choices. hes told me yesterday that they will be coming over on Saturday to celebrate his mums birthday. They live 4 hours away and will be driving. I told him that I'm not sure that it's a good idea as its scheduled to rain and we will not be able to stay in the garden the entire time. I told him why dont we wait a couple of weeks until we can stay inside and I will cook a nice meal and it will be a pleasant experience. He has told me that we can come inside if it's cold (which I've said no to) and theyve booked time off specifically to come over. But haven't even asked beforehand. Am I being unreasonable for telling my husband they can t come over?

OP posts:
Roboticcarrot · 07/05/2021 10:24

Just say you aren't cooking or doing whatever around the house. If he sees that as 'sabotaging his relationship' more than telling a grown man no he can't, in a house he shares with you then that's his issue.

mainsfed · 07/05/2021 10:43

[quote Bumblebee1980a]@HarebrightCedarmoon

And yes I absolutely fucking am the boss

You sound an absolute delight. I hate women who think like this. Your decision whether to cook or not but not your decision regarding whether his parents are allowed around. [/quote]
I hate people who selectively quote.

TurquoiseDragon · 07/05/2021 11:26

@MarkUp

Except it is her home just as much as his but its NOT the parents... He can travel 4 hours to visit his parents if its that important why should she have to leave HER home for visitors

Do people never do things for their partners that they don't particularly want to do?

I'm not jumping for joy at the thought of my BIL coming over soon, but DH wants to see him so I'll smile and make conversation and won't be telling DH 'no he can't because it's MY HOUSE TOO and I don't want him here' because you know, I love him and he wants to see his family...

But, would you dump it on your OH with just 2 days notice? While expecting your OH to do all the catering and cleaning, etc?

I certainly wouldn't. I'd have a proper discussion in plenty of time to see if it's doable.

Frankola · 07/05/2021 12:11

Oh the irony.
You find it acceptable to TELL your husband his family can't come round.
But he isn't allowed to do the same to you?

Why on earth does he even need your permission to have his parents in his house anyway?!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/05/2021 12:18

Why on earth does he even need your permission to have his parents in his house anyway?!

Because he expects OP to be the hostess with the mostest.

Because covid fines are still in force.

Because he didn't enter into any kind of communication with her before telling her there were 10+ people arriving in 2 days.

gamerchick · 07/05/2021 12:42

@Frankola

Oh the irony. You find it acceptable to TELL your husband his family can't come round. But he isn't allowed to do the same to you?

Why on earth does he even need your permission to have his parents in his house anyway?!

Because he wants... No expects her to do the shit work. Why the fuck should she? Hmm
crosstalk · 07/05/2021 14:06

I cannot believe people who think a husband inviting 10 people round for a meal at two days notice that he expects his wife to cook and clean for WIThOut consulting her is in any way acceptable.

She is not his keeper certainly but neither is she his slave.

Especially since he is LC with his own family and she does the spade work. Why didn't they discuss is with her?

His parents may have had the double vaccine + 2 weeks for resistance to build up but have his sibling and family? 10 people?

She has offered a valid alternative. Two weeks time when she's had time to prepare is generous considering she's dealing with toddlers as well.

And the PP who said a delay wouldn't be acceptable because it wouldn't be MIL's birthday - WTF? we've had weddings and birthdays delayed because of COVID. And anyone expecting me to celebrate on their exact date at 2 days notice is having a joke given my shift work.

lookylookyhooky · 07/05/2021 23:46

It really is no wonder so many marriages end in divorce when people can’t be arsed to do something they don’t want to do for the sake of their partner! The amount of times I’ve had to cater on short notice. Yes, I don’t like doing it but I can and I will. Just like my husband has done for me... Quite honestly the responses I see supporting this come from people who can’t be bothered to cook or host and obviously don’t want to make an effort for the in-laws. Sad state of affairs!

iseefarts · 07/05/2021 23:48

I wouldn't be keen to be cooking for 10 uninvited people with 2 days notice. Indoors, before it's legal.

I wouldn't be pleased with 10 impromptu dinner guests pre-pandemic.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/05/2021 00:05

@MarkUp

she didnt invite them, they invited themselves... you absoloutly can tell people to fuck off when they invite themselves to things

Would people honestly tell their husband family to fuck off because they'd been a bit thoughtless about arranging a visit?

Honestly, whether or not I thought my parents were wrong to assume they could come I'd be so angry if my husband told them to fuck off.

It's one day.

Would people honestly tell their husband family to fuck off because they'd been a bit thoughtless about arranging a visit?

Raises hand I did, well in fairness DH did as well. His parents asked us about visiting and he told them it wasn’t a good time. They decided to come anyway, it was a 13 hour drive for them.

What they found when they got here, me on a work trip 4 states away and my DH working a double shift (48 hours). They went to his work and he told them it was nice to see them, asked what hotel they were staying at, and let them know he would call them after he had gotten sleep when his shifts were done.

I came home 2 days later having won a bet with my boss about if they would show up unannounced.

They never tried that again, granted the relationship was a dumpster fire to begin with, and I was really proud for the way DH handled it. For my part I told DH that when I got home I’d be exhausted, so whatever happened I wasn’t playing host and would have no filter with them.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/05/2021 00:09

To the OP, I would be annoyed but not that much, because it would be up to him to cook and clean. If it didn’t get done I’d shrug off any disapproval and turn it around.

‘Hmm, yes it’s a shame there isn’t anything to eat. I assumed since you all worked out the details of the visit, that would have included dinner. Gosh I am hungry’

BadMotherLover · 08/05/2021 00:11

YABU. If it bothers you that much, go out for a bit. The rules relax in a week. Don't start a war over this.

theThreeofWeevils · 08/05/2021 00:32

The comments about it 'not being MiL's birthday in two weeks' - WTAF? The woman must be mid-fifties at least. She's had plenty of birthdays and really ought to be over the 'special day' BS at her age.

I would call and say no, but happy to do something when covid regs permit. But if you don't do that, just go out. Don't do a tap to prepare. If your partner rarely speaks to his parents, you're not the one sabotaging his relationship with them. In your shoes, I'd be wondering about my relationship with him, tbh.

phoenixrosehere · 08/05/2021 07:37

It really is no wonder so many marriages end in divorce when people can’t be arsed to do something they don’t want to do for the sake of their partner! The amount of times I’ve had to cater on short notice. Yes, I don’t like doing it but I can and I will. Just like my husband has done for me... Quite honestly the responses I see supporting this come from people who can’t be bothered to cook or host and obviously don’t want to make an effort for the in-laws. Sad state of affairs!

Haha.. for the sake of their partner.. what utter drivel

In what way is it acceptable for a partner to allow their parents to invite 10 people into their home without consulting either of them (the homeowners), tell their partner this news two days before they show up, expect them to cook, host and cater for this party AND expect them to be absolutely ok with it, on top of breaking the law during an ongoing pandemic?!

My husband would have thought his parents had lost their mind if they pulled this s**t with him and they have a fabulous relationship. There is also no way he would even think not to tell me about this the moment his parents told him. Hell, we would be laughing at the ridiculousness of the utter nerve of them to think such an act was acceptable after he shut it down. He wouldn’t be polite about it either because such an act would anger him and rightly so. If both of us aren’t on board, it doesn’t happen or we find a solution that we are both agreeable with.

lookylookyhooky · 08/05/2021 08:47

@phoenixrosehere you sound a peach

Blueskytoday06 · 08/05/2021 08:56

Hopefully the weather has cancelled all plans ??

phoenixrosehere · 08/05/2021 09:08

@lookylookyhooky

Thank You 🙂 Sweet, yes. Fuzzy, no.

Countrygirl2021 · 08/05/2021 09:09

He hasn’t seen them in a year, they are driving 4 hours to celebrate his mums birthday and you want to stick to the rules. Give over.

Well yes, they are rules. It's not like they are just turning up. They are planning to drive 4 hours which is silly when you can't go inside.

Doesn't matter if they are vaccinated or not. Firstly most idiots don't understand virology. I'm bored of people thinking they are vaccinated the day after their first jab. Secondly we risk mutations if lots of half vaccinated people mix.

RampantIvy · 08/05/2021 09:13

Is today going to be cancelled due to the weather?

poppycat10 · 08/05/2021 09:19

I think the weather was the issue. The OP said originally that she'd suggested it wasn't a great idea because the weather forecast was rubbish and her DH blithely said "that's ok, they can come inside".

However, 10 people is a breach of the rules, whether inside or outside.

And it's not the OP's fault her DH hasn't seen his parents for a year. Presumably he could have visited them last year (or met outside) - unless they live in one of the very few areas where you couldn't do anything at all. Hotel accommodation was open in all areas at some point or other.

As for the birthday, adults are big and ugly enough to celebrate on days that are not their actual birthday. In fact children often do too, having parties at weekends rather than after school. It's hardly an imposition.

RampantIvy · 08/05/2021 09:21

Are people really going to do an 8 hour round trip just for lunch?

randomer · 08/05/2021 09:31

I can't get my head arounnd a 4 hour drive for a sandwich and 4 hours back again.

That would be like driving from London to Scotland for a coffee.

Horehound · 08/05/2021 09:32

@RampantIvy

Are people really going to do an 8 hour round trip just for lunch?
My in laws would
Horehound · 08/05/2021 09:33

Why would you think it's a sandwich for lunch? Bizarre.

Blossomtoes · 08/05/2021 09:43

@Horehound

Why would you think it's a sandwich for lunch? Bizarre.
Why are you assuming an eight course banquet?