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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband that his parents cant come over

264 replies

alwaystired234 · 06/05/2021 13:45

Husband has very on and off relationship with his family and will make effort every 4 or 5 months then not taking at all inbetween and has not seen his parents in a year. Purely his and their choices. hes told me yesterday that they will be coming over on Saturday to celebrate his mums birthday. They live 4 hours away and will be driving. I told him that I'm not sure that it's a good idea as its scheduled to rain and we will not be able to stay in the garden the entire time. I told him why dont we wait a couple of weeks until we can stay inside and I will cook a nice meal and it will be a pleasant experience. He has told me that we can come inside if it's cold (which I've said no to) and theyve booked time off specifically to come over. But haven't even asked beforehand. Am I being unreasonable for telling my husband they can t come over?

OP posts:
Devlesko · 06/05/2021 16:37

Just wish him luck and tell him you'll be at your mums or out for the day.
No way should you welcome them when you have been told.
Also sounds like they are using you for a venue and to supply food.

Harriedharriet · 06/05/2021 16:39

*Comprise is implicit in a relationship surely

COMPROMISE!

mainsfed · 06/05/2021 16:40

OP doesn’t want them to come this weekend, telling her to suggest M&S bits to her DH is still putting the onus on her to sort this.

MarkUp · 06/05/2021 16:41

It always surprises me on these threads how many posters are so vehemently against doing anything for their spouse that they don't particularly want to do.

I'm not suggesting OP should cater, she shouldn't and shouldn't absolutely tell her DH to do that, but I don't think it's ask of the century for her to just play happy families with her husband's family for a day even if she isn't that keen on the idea.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 06/05/2021 16:42

You always have the option to say no, they can't remove it from you. If you choose not to, your husband has a DW problem.

Maybe, but I don't think it's uncommon.
Lots of us feel like we can't or don't want to say no to our parents. They're the only ones we have after all, even if they irritate us sometimes.

eatsleepread · 06/05/2021 16:43

YABU (but your plan for them did sound lovely).

Twilight7777 · 06/05/2021 16:44

If it was just an impromptu visit with no expectations of being catered for I’d say YABU, but DH expects to do catering without even asking if that’s ok? Nope YANBU

LIZS · 06/05/2021 16:47

Can't you use public transport to meet partway?

ilovesooty · 06/05/2021 16:50

They were rude to invite themselves and expect you to cater.

If your husband wants them there I'd be going out and letting him deal with it.

Cavagirl · 06/05/2021 16:52

[quote alwaystired234]@Cavagirl you're not wrong at all, far too much to post about though Grin I wouldn't know where to start[/quote]
@alwaystired234 I can imagine you feel an obligation to facilitate a relationship for the DC. But in the end your DH has chosen to be LC it sounds like. So aren't you just flogging a dead horse?
For this visit why not put your foot down - plenty of covid excuses - you're over the limit anyway if you're not two households I think - it's frankly ridiculous behaviour of them to announce a visit with 2 days' notice. This will obviously cause ructions but does it really matter if they think you're an evil witch/whatever?
You'll find lots of support on Relationships for getting out of the fear/obligation/guilt I'm surmising you and/or you DH may feel towards them. AIBU is not known for its nuanced advice Grin
Good luck, and don't forget to ask yourself - what's really the worst that could happen?

waitingforthenextseason · 06/05/2021 16:54

Just tell him you'll be going out for the day with a friend, he should have checked with you, and tell him he'll be on his own entertainment-and food-wise.

Take yourself off somewhere and meet up with a friend or bring a book and go sit somewhere for the day. Save yourself the grief.

Aprilx · 06/05/2021 16:56

Has nobody ever told you that you don’t “uninvite” people, this really is th emits basic in manners. I think your husband should have discussed it with you first, that is also a basic courtesy between spouses, but it is done now and uninviting them shouldn’t really be an option. Considering you are all vaccinated and restrictions change a few days later anyway, I think you are just trying to use covid as an excuse.

RaspberryBubblegum · 06/05/2021 16:58

Could call the police on Saturday and report it? 😅 no catering then 😂

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 06/05/2021 16:59

I speak to his parents more han he does to keep them updated on the kids. I told them to wait a couple of weeks and I'll make a lunch and do balloons the whole hog. I'm not a fan of them coming over as they dont respect me as a whole and will just come in anyway.

OK that update makes it clearer. They don't respect you anyway and they ride roughshod over your boundaries. That's enough. Your first sentence: that you speak to them more than he does to keep them updated about the kids, stop doing that to start with. Why should you pick up the wifework? They're his kids, they're his parents. Hand on the baton of responsibility for keeping them updated to him (and see how far this gets).

Leave him to entertain his parents as he's seen fit to make arrangements without even bothering to consult you. That means food, the works. Make your own arrangements to do something else. After all he didn't bother to consult you and find out if you had plans first.

Next up: drop the rope. If they think they can walk all over you when they don't even have a close enough family relationship to leave them in any position to make demands, leave the contact to your husband. You owe this nothing.

IME they soon realise how great a relationship they have with their sons (or not) when the son's partner takes a step backward. I wish I'd done so years before I did. They have no respect for you anyway, so no one's lost anything and you get peace into the bargain. Win-win.

VinylCafe · 06/05/2021 17:00

@Aprilx

Has nobody ever told you that you don’t “uninvite” people, this really is th emits basic in manners. I think your husband should have discussed it with you first, that is also a basic courtesy between spouses, but it is done now and uninviting them shouldn’t really be an option. Considering you are all vaccinated and restrictions change a few days later anyway, I think you are just trying to use covid as an excuse.

Have you read the thread? They invited themselves with 2 days notice. Not only that, they also want Op to throw them a birthday party!

KOKOagainandagain · 06/05/2021 17:01

This is your home too. You don't have to accept uninvited people visiting even if they are relatives. Even pre pandemic. You don't have to make yourself absent. If your DH invites people he should cater. If his relatives invite themselves and it's not convenient or he doesn't want to cater he should say no.

Imagine it the other way - PIL I am visiting your home when it suits me. There will be no discussion. cater for my every need or do one! If you can't be bothered you can go stay in a hotel. That just shows you are dictating and controlling. Just leave me full access to your home and a willing servant - family members of course because it would be rude to expect me to pay. But be aware that I will judge you harshly.

mam0918 · 06/05/2021 17:02

@Aprilx

Has nobody ever told you that you don’t “uninvite” people, this really is th emits basic in manners. I think your husband should have discussed it with you first, that is also a basic courtesy between spouses, but it is done now and uninviting them shouldn’t really be an option. Considering you are all vaccinated and restrictions change a few days later anyway, I think you are just trying to use covid as an excuse.
she didnt invite them, they invited themselves... you absoloutly can tell people to fuck off when they invite themselves to things.
Allwokedup · 06/05/2021 17:03

Just let them come in the house for goodness sake! It will be 7 days until it’s “legal” stop being OTT.

MarkUp · 06/05/2021 17:06

she didnt invite them, they invited themselves... you absoloutly can tell people to fuck off when they invite themselves to things

Would people honestly tell their husband family to fuck off because they'd been a bit thoughtless about arranging a visit?

Honestly, whether or not I thought my parents were wrong to assume they could come I'd be so angry if my husband told them to fuck off.

It's one day.

PurpleBiro21 · 06/05/2021 17:06

@MarkUp I regularly play happy families for my husband, I don’t mind actually and I know he appreciates it.

However if they lost their minds and invited themselves en made to be catered for with 48 hrs notice, he would deter them and if not would do all the cleaning shopping and cooking. Which to be fair means I’d chip in to.

We accept drop ins but they then have to take us as they find us.

swimlittlefishy · 06/05/2021 17:06

@Allwokedup

Just let them come in the house for goodness sake! It will be 7 days until it’s “legal” stop being OTT.
Way to miss the point.
MarkUp · 06/05/2021 17:07

[quote PurpleBiro21]@MarkUp I regularly play happy families for my husband, I don’t mind actually and I know he appreciates it.

However if they lost their minds and invited themselves en made to be catered for with 48 hrs notice, he would deter them and if not would do all the cleaning shopping and cooking. Which to be fair means I’d chip in to.

We accept drop ins but they then have to take us as they find us.[/quote]
I agree OP shouldn't have to cater. He husband should. If he agreed to I'd honestly just leave it. All these people saying things like 'ID TELL THEM TO FUCK OFF', 'ID STAY INSIDE AND TELL THEM NOT TO DISTURB ME'

Honestly? It's ridiculous.

swimlittlefishy · 06/05/2021 17:08

@deydododatdodontdeydo

You always have the option to say no, they can't remove it from you. If you choose not to, your husband has a DW problem.

Maybe, but I don't think it's uncommon.
Lots of us feel like we can't or don't want to say no to our parents. They're the only ones we have after all, even if they irritate us sometimes.

That's a total cop out, and completely unfair to your partners.
PurpleBiro21 · 06/05/2021 17:10

@markup people saying that are responding to the burden on the OP, no?

I assume if the DH did everything himself it would be a different thread with a few outliers.

Dishwashersaurous · 06/05/2021 17:13
  1. Whether you agreed with the rules or not. No one is allowed indoors before 17 may and only two households or six people outside. So you are completely ok to say it’s not allowed.
  1. You are not respected or liked so why bother facilitating.
  1. Your dh is able to do what he likes but you don’t have to facilitate.
  1. Don’t cook. Your dh will have to facilitate something.
  1. If you don’t feel comfortable then don’t be there- go for a very long walk etc