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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband that his parents cant come over

264 replies

alwaystired234 · 06/05/2021 13:45

Husband has very on and off relationship with his family and will make effort every 4 or 5 months then not taking at all inbetween and has not seen his parents in a year. Purely his and their choices. hes told me yesterday that they will be coming over on Saturday to celebrate his mums birthday. They live 4 hours away and will be driving. I told him that I'm not sure that it's a good idea as its scheduled to rain and we will not be able to stay in the garden the entire time. I told him why dont we wait a couple of weeks until we can stay inside and I will cook a nice meal and it will be a pleasant experience. He has told me that we can come inside if it's cold (which I've said no to) and theyve booked time off specifically to come over. But haven't even asked beforehand. Am I being unreasonable for telling my husband they can t come over?

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 06/05/2021 16:01

@deydododatdodontdeydo

You have a major DH problem then.

Lots of us are guilty of that. My parents don't give me the option to say no...

You need to start giving yourself the option to say no. As an adult it's no longer up to your parents what you do.

@alwaystired234 I think it's incredibly rude of them to invite themselves with such little notice. I'd have no issue saying no because of the short notice, and of course because it's against current rules. If they are annoyed so be it. You have given a perfectly reasonable alternative. If they insist on coming this weekend I think you should organise your own day out, tell Dh and leave him to it. I bet he won't be long cancelling his family visit then!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 06/05/2021 16:02

My DH does not have to ask my permission but he sure as hell can’t invite a large group to our house without letting me know first. He also wouldn’t have accepted that people were inviting themselves to our house without saying he would check we’re free. He would expect the same from me.

@alwaystired234, YANBU to not want to do that, covid or no covid.

Lweji · 06/05/2021 16:03

then I will be treated like public enemy number one by everyone

Treat them back for dropping this on you.
Or leave them to it and go about your own activities.

And what does that even mean?

Why do you keep in contact with people who don't even like you, if their own son doesn't?

PanamaPattie · 06/05/2021 16:03

You cannot meet indoors until at least the 17th of May? Is this not so? I don't understand the issue - garden in the rain or no visiting.

Original poster
alwaystired234 · 06/05/2021 16:04

@Cavagirl you're not wrong at all, far too much to post about though Grin I wouldn't know where to start

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/05/2021 16:06

So it’s his sibling coming over with their kids? And his dad?

It’s quite a big gathering to be fair, but did you have something else planned? What difference does two weeks make?

PhilCornwall1 · 06/05/2021 16:07

@murbblurb

No one is so special that they have a legal exemption. You aren't allowed in other people's houses until may 17 earliest.

Science, data,pandemic and lots of other stuff that can be too difficult for some on here.

The 17th is just a bloody random date that has been put on this, just like most of the other dates.
Original poster
alwaystired234 · 06/05/2021 16:07

@lweji if I dont cater the entire thing then I will be treated like I am sabotaging their relationship

OP posts:
Congressdingo · 06/05/2021 16:08

[quote alwaystired234]@Alsohuman surely if you want someone to block off an entire day youd ask them whether they were free instead of just telling them it's going to happen 2 days before. I havent had anyone on my house all year it's just rude and I wouldn't do it myself...[/quote]
So don't be free? Leave the house until they've gone again.

he can invite who he wants to his house (as can you) but you dont have to be there when his guests come.
Leave him to it, say your busy, they can come and he has to do any work required for the visit.

Congressdingo · 06/05/2021 16:12

@alwaystired234

I feel a lot better after the last few messages. unfortunately just washing my hands of the situation will not fly and if I do not cater then I will be treated like public enemy number one by everyone
No you wont, just dont cook. Dont even mention it. Say nothing, cook nothing, do nothing. Better still be out, all day.
Muchasgracias · 06/05/2021 16:12

@Bluntness100

I don’t really understand how this works, why you’re the boss and he needs to obey? He can invite his parents to his own home, hopefully with your agreement, if not you can just leave, what you don’t get to do is tell him no. He’s not your child.
But it was ok for the ILs and DH to make plans without consulting the OP?? That’s not how it works either. OP is an adult who deserves to be consulted before such arrangements are made. She is simply delivering her verdict of ‘no’ later than she would have liked. And she isn’t saying a flat no. She is offering a more sensible alternative.
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 06/05/2021 16:13

Well the rules are the rules, but pretty much everyone I know who has had the vaccine is breaking them at this point, so I'd probably let them in the house if it rains with the windows open.

mainsfed · 06/05/2021 16:14

@alwaystired234

I feel a lot better after the last few messages. unfortunately just washing my hands of the situation will not fly and if I do not cater then I will be treated like public enemy number one by everyone
Then just get an excuse in straightaway. You’re away that weekend.
Juno231 · 06/05/2021 16:15

Drop the rope OP. Why are you bending over backwards and cooking for 10 people with two days nothing and no say in it? If they've invited themselves over and OH wants them there - let him deal with and kick back and relax.

You're making yourself into a martyr here, just don't pander to this crap.

Congressdingo · 06/05/2021 16:16

[quote alwaystired234]@lweji if I dont cater the entire thing then I will be treated like I am sabotaging their relationship[/quote]
Gird your ovaries, get a grip and simply do not cook or do anything else for these visitors. I can guarantee this will be the last time your husband will let them invite themselves when he has to do it all.
And if you can spend the whole day out then you wont hear the meaning and it wont matter.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 06/05/2021 16:17

If there are 10 of them that changes my view somewhat, if it were just his parents I'd let them in the house...

Harriedharriet · 06/05/2021 16:17

@Bluntness100

I don’t really understand how this works, why you’re the boss and he needs to obey? He can invite his parents to his own home, hopefully with your agreement, if not you can just leave, what you don’t get to do is tell him no. He’s not your child.
This.
swimlittlefishy · 06/05/2021 16:19

@deydododatdodontdeydo

You have a major DH problem then.

Lots of us are guilty of that. My parents don't give me the option to say no...

You always have the option to say no, they can't remove it from you. If you choose not to, your husband has a DW problem.
PuppyPupPups · 06/05/2021 16:20

A fair few have basically said, "how dare you dictate to him".

But it's okay for him to dictate to her?

Wonder why that is!

I am surprised men still need to practice misogny themselves when they have women to do it to other women for them, pretty much like most things.

MarkUp · 06/05/2021 16:20

I think YABU. He's not seen them in a year.

I'd mention my parents visiting to DH and maybe say 'is that okay?' out of politeness but I'd not expect him to say 'no they can't'. It's my home and I can invite my family.over if I like. I would say exactly the same about DHs family visiting.

And honestly what's the difference between now and the 17th? It's all just bloody pointless at this point.

AlmostSummer21 · 06/05/2021 16:20

@Bluntness100

I don’t really understand how this works, why you’re the boss and he needs to obey? He can invite his parents to his own home, hopefully with your agreement, if not you can just leave, what you don’t get to do is tell him no. He’s not your child.
It's not HIS home, it's THEIR home.

She has every right to say no to something against the law happening inside of it. She's offered another option.

He can go & visit them if he wants to.

MIL & FIL are rude to plan to spend MIL's birthday in someone's else's house & book leave before discussing it with the people who live in the house.

Viviennemary · 06/05/2021 16:21

Go out for the day then it won't affect you.

Harriedharriet · 06/05/2021 16:21

[quote alwaystired234]@Alsohuman surely if you want someone to block off an entire day youd ask them whether they were free instead of just telling them it's going to happen 2 days before. I havent had anyone on my house all year it's just rude and I wouldn't do it myself...[/quote]
You really need to compromse on this. Especially if their relationship is not great. Facilitate it as an act of love?

Holly60 · 06/05/2021 16:22

I was all set to get defensive on behalf of your in-laws, but actually I agree with you! You’ve offered a much better alternative so YANBU

swimlittlefishy · 06/05/2021 16:23

@MarkUp

I think YABU. He's not seen them in a year.

I'd mention my parents visiting to DH and maybe say 'is that okay?' out of politeness but I'd not expect him to say 'no they can't'. It's my home and I can invite my family.over if I like. I would say exactly the same about DHs family visiting.

And honestly what's the difference between now and the 17th? It's all just bloody pointless at this point.

A lot of people seem to have misunderstood the issue here, as above.

Of course you can invite your parents over if you like. But can you invite 10 people without telling your DH, then expect HIM to cook and clean for them? When you aren't meant to have anyone in your house in the first place?

And no, it's not pointless and it does make a difference. 2 more weeks is however many more thousands of people vaccinated, its a big difference!

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