To feel sad that my DC have never been to a wedding

[BrittanyKAMA]

When I was little, I attended loads of weddings. They were always fun, family affairs. It was nice to meet up with distant relatives and dress up for the day in fancy clothes.

However, since my DC were born 15 years ago, absolutely every wedding we’ve been invited to has been a childless wedding. Obviously it’s up to the bride and groom who they invite, but I just think it’s a shame that what used to be an occasion for families is increasingly considered just an adult event.

We just got an invitation through from DH’s oldest friend who was best man at our wedding. They are having a destination wedding at a ski resort. Not only would this cost us a fortune, but what are we supposed to do with DC for 4 days? And before anybody asks, our DC are very well-behaved, so it’s nothing personal.

AIBU to feel a bit sad about this change?

The only wedding dd1 has been to was my own wedding (to her dad), my dd2 has never been to a wedding, she’s 15 and severely autistic so I don’t think she would enjoy going to one anyway.

I don't think we've ever had much of a kid friendly culture in this country. If you go to Greece or Italy, Spain etc you'll see kids say round the table eating with their families at 9:30 at night all out together. Here we don't and I think it's sad. Each to their own and all that but I love the children in my (absolutely huge) family because they are family as much as the adults. I used to go out for 4 hour long meals as a kid with my family as a kid and loved it! I was with my family having a ball.

If weddings (or funerals) are the only time families are getting together, that's largely because no one in the family is organizing other get-togethers. You could organize other get together if it's important to you.

I went to a lot of wedding growing up, but then my father is the oldest of a big family so I was nearly a teen when his younger siblings were marrying and my paternal grandfather and uncles were pastors so I was essentially staff for them (which suited me fine, preferred that to being stuck in the wedding party). There were also a lot of other events because some in the older generation organized them. Same with my spouse's family - used to have a get together every year or so, haven't had one in about 5 years as those who did the organizing either died or are just too tired to deal with the faff anymore.

My children have been to more family get togethers than they have weddings (they've been to one), plus a handful of funerals. I don't really have strong feelings on it way or another, which is part of why I've only really organized one big family event (my spouse and I eloped so no family gathering there, we did have a big 10th anniversary party though).

When I was a child, weddings were a church or registry office quick wedding, followed by a get together in a social club, or someone's garden and house. They were much less lavish. It is no big deal having kids running around a tatty social club or a garden. It is a big deal in a posh stately home with staff carrying glasses of bubbly and canapes.

I started to see kids free weddings come in when couples moved to much posher weddings. Very different to have kids running about a hall with a buffet, than having kids running about during an expensive sit down meal.

I think the added part is that because people tend to marry later, there would potentially be more children at a wedding than in the past. In the past ordinary people would usually marry in their early twenties. Most of their friends wouldn't have kids yet and neither would many of their siblings or cousins. So the number of kids at weddings from my memory was never enormous. If I got married tomorrow the number of children would be as much as the number of adults. So being honest it would be hard not to have the atmosphere of a children's party.

I never went to a wedding when I was a child. I think the first was in my twenties and I can't say I feel that left out. Sometimes they can be boring as adults so I imagine as kids it could be the same.

I’m having my wedding in October - we are getting married and having the reception at a big stately home that is very old, we are inviting family children as my step sons will be there anyways but no other children will be invited, I think I’d lose my mind if there was a big group of kids running around with the chance they may break something 😩

Weddings also are very expensive these days, and you have to pay per person hence why I think people choose to have child free simply because they don’t want to pay ridiculous amounts of money for a child who won’t appreciate it as awful as that sounds, especially younger children. Adults also can’t let their hair down and have a good time if they are too busy looking after children.

I never went to weddings as a child, I reckon they’d be very boring though as most aren’t that fun as an adult and are bloody expensive just to attend 😩

I think recent changes in acceptable parenting standards are to blame here.

In years gone by, parents were much hotter on children’s behaviour, but things have really slipped in the intervening years - some really shockingly lax parenting has become the norm.

Obviously this isn’t the case for all parents, but as a B &G you have no way of knowing which parenting camp your guests fall into, so people just can’t take the risk.

I agree it’s very sad, but as with so many things in life, a minority spoil things for the majority.

We were invited to a cousins wedding before lockdown. My two kids were bored stiff most of the day. In between the service snd the meal then setting up for the night time bit. I was bored too. This wedding didn’t flow at all. Plus the expense in the kids outfits for a days use.

I’ve never been to a wedding either and I’m 26. My life hasn’t suffered as a result, don’t worry

All weddings I went to as a kid were boring as shit so I think it's a bit much to be sad about it. Do they care?

Weird thing to be sad about.

One of the enjoyable things about going to weddings is how different they can be.

Been to big weddings, small weddings, destination weddings, local weddings, child-free weddings, extended family weddings, traditional weddings, modern weddings. Wouldn't dream of telling the bride and groom what they should/shouldn't do.

I prefer child-free weddings but I would never think a couple who invited children were doing it wrong. I'm not sure why those who prefer kids running around think this is important enough that they can say child-free weddings are somehow wrong.

I disagree that weddings these days are about two families coming together. I think that is a very old fashioned idea. Like many people we live quite a way from both sides of the family and so both sides barely know each other. Our families certainly did not come together.

I don't think I'd be sad, but I do think weddings are a family event. Unless it's a small destination or registry office with just the two witnesses sort of affair.

Growing up, we had way more family events where I would see all my cousins etc than what my kids now get to experience. I think we're all just too busy.

First wedding I went to was in my 20s. I don't feel I missed out.

I've voted YANBU because I do agree in general.
Having said that, my own wedding was largely child-free, because of number restrictions at the registry office for starters, and because some of the family children had never been taught how to behave properly. We did have some children at the reception, and some BF babies who were no trouble.

I think there is too much emphasis on "destination weddings" and has been for some time - not everyone can afford to attend these, and if one doesn't, it can cause bad feeling, which is a shame.

I'm not sure about the enjoyment factor, but I think it's something that children should be exposed to, to learn how these things work and what sort of behaviour is expected at events. How will they know if they never get to go? And yes, agree with the meeting extended family - sometimes it's the only opportunity!

A ski-resort wedding is one I would not be attending. Far too expensive and if I had to pay out that sort of money to go, I would definitely be taking the sprogs with me, not leaving them behind!

@Hiphopopotamus see this is where my Dragon's Den idea comes in:

Lookey Likey Guests for All Occasions

Got an event coming up with unreliable guests? Book a Lookey Likey. They can be relied on to wear appropriate clothing, stay reasonably sober for the whole event but at the same time look like the 'real' guest for photos.

As a supplement you can book fights, inappropriate comments, general drunken behaviour.

If you are the invitee then you can book a Lookey Likey to attend the event in your place. Nobody will know the difference!

I went of loads of weddings as a child (my mum is one of ten siblings). I was a bridesmaid quite a few times too. I hated them, scratchy dresses, uncomfortable shoes, boring relatives, interminable speeches and horrible food. Mind you I'm old now and could probably count the number of good weddings I've been to on one hand, I'm not a huge fan of weddings really. Mine was good though.

@SwedishK

I don't think I'd be sad, but I do think weddings are a family event. Unless it's a small destination or registry office with just the two witnesses sort of affair.

Growing up, we had way more family events where I would see all my cousins etc than what my kids now get to experience. I think we're all just too busy.

I think it depends on the size of wedding you want surely.

If a wedding had to be a 'family event' for every single guest you invited, no one would ever really be able to have a smaller wedding would they.

I don't get the offense people take when partners or spouses aren't invited either. If my colleague or friend had never met DH and my DC I'd be absolutely fine with them not being invited. Weddings are expensive, every guest costs money. I'd be quite happy for them to save those 'places' for people they actually know and want there.

@showmethegin I suspect most British parents would be horrified at the idea of trying to make their young children sit through a four hour family meal.

I don’t think children should be at weddings so...YABU

Yanbu. I love a good family wedding. My 14 year old has been to quite a few (5 I think) but my 6 year old has only been to one.

Destination weddings are the worst, it's like someone planning a holiday on your behalf to their taste, budget and timescale.

I can understand people with a complicated family or no close family wanting to do things differently, but for us our wedding was a family celebration and of course children are a part of the family and should be there. I do think it's a shame to exclude them.

I totally agree. Especially when my girls were aged between 8 and 12 they would have totally loved dressing up and going to a wedding (and would have been well behaved and cute). We went to a couple when they were little around 5 or so and even then they loved it. I think a wedding disco with grannies and kids dancing is just lovely.

I feel sad for them that they weren't invited to any more weddings and the next time they go will be when it's their own peers.

Having said all that we had kids at our wedding but we got married earlier than most. So there were only about 8 or 9 kids as most friends didn't have kids yet and there weren't many family kids. If you get married at a point when all your friends have kids and you'd end up with more kids than adults then I can see why people say no kids. Doesn't stop it being sad for kids though.

it does seem a shame that weddings have gone from being family celebrations to performance events that probably cause financial stress to friends and relatives

I so agree with this. So many people these days seem to prefer the destination over having their nearest and dearest there, and then they get stroppy because they can’t attend.

People are much more important to me than places.

Just worked out I've been to 18 weddings.