To feel sad that my DC have never been to a wedding

[BrittanyKAMA]

When I was little, I attended loads of weddings. They were always fun, family affairs. It was nice to meet up with distant relatives and dress up for the day in fancy clothes.

However, since my DC were born 15 years ago, absolutely every wedding we’ve been invited to has been a childless wedding. Obviously it’s up to the bride and groom who they invite, but I just think it’s a shame that what used to be an occasion for families is increasingly considered just an adult event.

We just got an invitation through from DH’s oldest friend who was best man at our wedding. They are having a destination wedding at a ski resort. Not only would this cost us a fortune, but what are we supposed to do with DC for 4 days? And before anybody asks, our DC are very well-behaved, so it’s nothing personal.

AIBU to feel a bit sad about this change?

Never really thought about it but do see what you mean. When I was little I use to attend a wedding nearly every weekend in the summer months with my parents as weddings were always massive family events.

My son has been to one wedding when he was 4/5 months old, he is now nearly 12 and not been to one since. To be honest I don’t think he is that bothered he would probably moan how bored he was if he did get to go

What BrightYellow said.

Again, most destination weddings are fake anyhow. If you want to go along to it for the holiday (obviously you'll have to skip the wedding (if it actually is one) if you have no childcare) then go but probably, because it's childfree, they don't want kids at the whole 4 days.

Can't say I blame them. I enjoy my kids a lot more now they're older, even though DS has SN, but I wouldn't want to take my kids to a wedding even when they were younger.

I was dragged to tons. They were boring AF.

The ones who whinge the loudest about no children weddings tend to be the ones who will do the least to control their kids if they were invited.

@DragonMuff Yup, it’s genuine. We make wedding props. The Bridezilla preconception is alive and kicking.

I had almost as many kids as adults at my wedding

They all behaved amazingly (or their parents hid the worst of it very well) because all i really took notice of and remember now was DH, my wedding vows, the flowers, seeing my closest guests had arrived and occasionally seeing one of the kids running past looking cute in their dresses/suits. The rest is a blur tbh. Everyone says it was a lovely day.

@GilbertsLuckySocks

Had a largely childfree wedding - loved it. Pregnant now - no expectations my baby will be invited to future weddings and in all honesty, I would elect not to take them anyway. Not everything in life has to revolve around kids.

My children haven never been to a wedding but I don’t think they’d be keen (teenage boys). In fact I’ve only been to 3 weddings in my life, 2 of those as a child. The one as an adult was my sister-in-laws and it was one of the dullest days I’ve ever had.

If it makes you feel any better I only went to two weddings as a child. One I don’t remember because I was two, but I’m told I cried through most of it because my dad took my dummy away - and the other I was nine and absolutely bored to tears because it seemed to go on forever!

It can be a shame for kids to miss weddings but at the end of the day it’s up to the couple getting married.

Weddings are so fucking boring. It was bad enough going to church 3 times a week as a child, getting dragged to a wedding ceremony on top of that was a nightmare.

We won't be having children at our wedding due to the cost of having them per head and essentially it would mean that out of 60 adult guests we would like (which doesn't even cover things like all cousins etc) we would then have around 30 children.

Possibly because we are marrying later so all siblings, bridal party etc have children but we wouldn't even be able to invite aunts if the guest list included children

Many of my friends who gave out about childfree weddings when pushed generally admit that they want their kids there so that all the extended family can see how amazing/beautiful/fabulous they are.
Its seems to me that its rarely about not being able to part with them for a day or childcare.
Op - Do you think thats why youre finding it sad?

YANBU I feel sad that my DS has never been to a wedding and he probably will never get to go to one until he is an adult.

I hated weddings as a kid. I don't take my children to weddings, even when they're invited, unless I know it's totally set up for kids. I don't think they'd enjoy it and neither would I.

Our children have been invited to every wedding we have in the last 13 years (in fact once they got invited and I bloody didn't ).

I never got invited to a single wedding as a child (dont think I know anyone that got married in all that time), I was 16 before going to my first wedding and I was just the +1 of a friend for the night do at the local workies.

I don’t know why people don’t want children at their wedding other than the increase in cost. How is the presence of children in a room full of other people upsetting? You don’t have to talk to them. They might run around outside if there’s a large green space. Sure if it’s a wedding with only ten people then you don’t want to be outnumbered by the guests kids but other than that I don’t get the outrage. It reminds me of a thread recently where lots of replies said that if they went to the hairdressers and a child was in the room that would ruin the experience for them. I do however think that anyone who lets their child play with a device with the sound on, especially on public transport, should be banned.

Whilst I defend the 'your wedding your choice', I think it is sad if a child never gets to go to at least one wedding before they are an adult.

I think they've had a lucky escape! ....i'm not a big fan of weddings i find them really boring, they drag on far to long too.

YANBU, and I agree it's sad. We're childless but enjoyed seeing children at our wedding having fun just like the adults: dancing, enjoying the food, catching up with relatives and meeting new people. It would have seemed strange and artificial without them. I don't think any wedding I've attended has been deliberately child-free.

YANBU.

I got married over 10 years ago and both DH and I have massive families with cousins that are 10-15 years younger than us, along with cousins with their own children etc. As a result, there was about 20 kids at our wedding. We made up little party bags for them with toys and craft activities and they had a great time. They loved dancing to the music and really enjoyed spending time with the entire family.

We've had a few invites from family in the last couple of years that we've turned down because they are child free and involved travelling. It's a shame. I definitely agree that weddings have become a performance for social media rather than a family celebration.

I really really wanted to have kids at my wedding but all my friends’ and relatives’ kids added up to an extra 30 or so guests. With a hard limit of 100 people at our venue, that would have meant 30 fewer adults that we would have been able to invite.

We did put a note on our wedding website saying something like ‘if this causes you difficulties with childcare please let us know and we’ll do whatever we can’ but actually all our friends said they were looking forward to a grown-up evening out.

Then Covid hit and we couldn’t have our wedding anyway so it was all academic in the end!

@GreenWillow

I think recent changes in acceptable parenting standards are to blame here.

In years gone by, parents were much hotter on children’s behaviour, but things have really slipped in the intervening years - some really shockingly lax parenting has become the norm.

Obviously this isn’t the case for all parents, but as a B &G you have no way of knowing which parenting camp your guests fall into, so people just can’t take the risk.

I agree it’s very sad, but as with so many things in life, a minority spoil things for the majority.

I was going to wrote something along these lines. I have been to several weddings where parents can't be arsed to even watch their children properly let alone ensure that they're behaving appropriately. At the risk of sounding like an old gimmer 'it wouldn't have happened in my day!'.

As much as I love my friends, there are a couple of them where I really do not love their parenting. No way would I want their children at a wedding.

When I was a child (not so long ago, I'm 36) I would not have dared behave in the ways I see some children behaving now if my parents or other grown ups were around. And instead of getting a bollocking like we would have when he's naughty, little Jasper is pandered to, congratulated on his 'creativity and spiritedness' of just ignored.

Nah, child free weddings all the way for me here. I love attending them too (and I have two small children!). I don't take my children even if they are invited, I'd rather have a nice relaxing day/night out with DH.

I don't think your children will be traumatised OP, they'll be fine! If you want an extended family gathering, just organise one!

I've only ever been to 3 weddings, first one I was in my 20s, never went to any as a child but it didn't bother me. I don't think the kids will mind.

I can see why people wouldn't want kids at a wedding, although I'd happily have them if I were to get married. It's 50/50 whether my toddler would sit quietly throughout, and newborn would possibly cry at some point, even if I took him out as soon as he started there'd be a minor disturbance. Depends on if you're okay with little interruptions like that - personally, I wouldn't mind, but I'm guessing a lot of people would.

@murbblurb

Weddings are really dull for kids - and also for adults unless you know more people than the bride and groom. Your kids have had a lucky escape from tedious rituals and uncomfortable clothes.

Exactly

How odd to feel sad over this. You are thinking of this from an adult perspective. From a child - sitting still and proper for a huge part of the day isn't anything fun?? Also comparing things to back then , now you pay per person instead of a big venue and using your own preferred service providers. Biggest factor is cost.

It depends on the wedding. As a child I hated attending weddings that had nothing for us to do and lots of boring hanging around. I enjoyed weddings with a more family feel, more casual, extended family could sit and chat in a local venue, we could play and dance, and enjoy everyone's company.

I feel the same now though as an adult. I love informal weddings where the focus is on families and friends catching up and children are included. I don't really enjoy the big fancy venue, no children, huge gaps standing around a bar whilst the couple spend 2 hours getting photos done, doing dove releases, more hanging around for hours in not enough space whilst the reception room is converted from the wedding breakfast to the night reception dance space. I hate the feeling of being herded round a wedding venue when I'd much rather sit round a table with friends and family and catch up for several hours whilst watching DC.

YANBU

I agree, it's entirely up to the bride and groom and there's nothing wrong at all in wanting a child-free wedding.

You are still allowed to be sad for your own child.

When a wedding is not just for show (all the money going to flowers, all afternoon spent posing for photos and everybody bored out of their mind and having to pay for their drinks), and are family wedding (but not only) they tend to be really good fun for children.

Most kids I know are really excited about it, love catching up with cousins or friends, running around or playing outside, love the buffet snacks, the food, the dancing.

If your kids like to meet friends in the park, what's the difference?

I was on the fence, so I paid a babysitter for the little ones, and aa couple of people to entertain the kids at my own wedding (and keep them out of the way a bit ) worked beautifully.
When you see the cost of everything else, it really doesn't cost that much.