To feel sad that my DC have never been to a wedding

[BrittanyKAMA]

When I was little, I attended loads of weddings. They were always fun, family affairs. It was nice to meet up with distant relatives and dress up for the day in fancy clothes.

However, since my DC were born 15 years ago, absolutely every wedding we’ve been invited to has been a childless wedding. Obviously it’s up to the bride and groom who they invite, but I just think it’s a shame that what used to be an occasion for families is increasingly considered just an adult event.

We just got an invitation through from DH’s oldest friend who was best man at our wedding. They are having a destination wedding at a ski resort. Not only would this cost us a fortune, but what are we supposed to do with DC for 4 days? And before anybody asks, our DC are very well-behaved, so it’s nothing personal.

AIBU to feel a bit sad about this change?

Children have loads of lovely experiences now that weren't common years ago, holidays abroad, soft play, even pre school, as well as lots of after school activities , i don't think they are missing out tbh.

@gillys lots of people do not have large families and invite lots of friends.

I’m from a large Catholic family on one side where it was normal to invite everyone plus Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the wee donkey. The church services were so boring, but as kids we usually did have fun at the reception. Adults were always too pissed to care what we were up to!

I’ve noticed it’s changed though for the younger generation, particularly on the other side of the family where in general people aren’t religious. They don’t seem to want to spend as much/able to spend as much, particularly if they’ve already been living together and bought a house. They’re much less willing to invite family members they have next to no relationship with as well, while on the Catholic side there’s much more pressure/expectation you’ll include everyone. It hasn’t always been practical for us to attend though while we were foster parents - some of the kids we had just wouldn’t have coped with a large, overwhelming family gathering and lots of new people. Very much depends on how the kids are as to whether it’s sad for them to miss out - not if they would be distressed, uncomfortable, anxious, or just extremely bored and likely to play up.

Notably the Catholic side of the family never excluded our foster kids when we were foster parents though, they were always invited to things, even if we couldn’t go or it wasn’t realistic. The other lot were always “sorry but they’re not family” when it came to occasions though, so we’d always have to decline.

I agree that it's sad, my 14 year old only went to a wedding as a toddler and my 12 year old has never been. We had kids at ours and my brother hired a bouncy castle to entertain the kids at his. Just hoping DHs brother invites us to his wedding (abroad) as that's about their best bet. We've had to turn down invitations to weddings which are no kids as my parents are our usual childcare options and they were also invited. I can see why people do it, when families have lots of unruly kids they would rather say no kids than pay for eg. 20 extra kids places that could be taken up by their friends instead.

Yes I agree. I think is a combo of costs and bad parenting

Totally unreasonable. Not your event so entirely up to those getting married. Most people are limited by budget and numbers so entirely their choice how they want to allocate it. If it doesn’t suit you, don’t go.

Seems to date from weddings became wanna-be social media events, everything is about how it will look on screen, how things will co-ordinate, it's not really about famiies getting together .

We had a child free wedding pre kids

We've been invited to another one this year. We will leave the kids at home.

I much prefer a child free wedding but that is my opinion.

Horses for courses and all that

I went to a wedding aged 9. I don't remember enjoying it much at all.

It’s ultimately the couple but we had dc at our wedding and it was a lot of fun. Our DS attended 2 weddings as a very small child, doubt he remembers. Then 2 when he was 12. . The last 3 were his cousins all marrying.

I had never been to a wedding until I was in my 30s.
However, by the time I was 10, I had already been to about half a dozen funerals.

Nope, I hate OTT weddings. Children present don't make them any better or worse. A quick signing of documents and a nice meal with friends is all you need in my opinion. The thought of all the crap, massive costs, family feuds, seating plans, official photos cars flowers, and even worse the destination blessings. What a waste of money. The whole thing. Maybe I'm just in a crap mood today, sorry. But I actually hate fancy weddings. Been to several, amazingly still get invited to them but I rarely attend. Maybe I'm just antisocial. Enjoy your weddings but they're not for me, children or no children. (Btw I did have a medium size wedding with trimmings. Hated it though others seemed to enjoy it)

Weddings have changed from a family / community event eg including neighbours and parents' friends to the focus being on the couple and their own friends

@notanothertakeaway

Weddings have changed from a family / community event eg including neighbours and parents' friends to the focus being on the couple and their own friends

It’s not a bad thing to be focussed on the couple though, is that what you’re insinuating?

Traditionally a couple’s parents might have paid for the wedding which is why they would invite their friends but many couples pay for the wedding themselves now which is why a load of distant random friends of the parents aren’t invited anymore

It’s not a bad thing to be focussed on the couple though, is that what you’re insinuating?

I don’t know if it’s a bad thing but it’s a different thing.

It’s not so much about the focus moving from the couple’s parents to the couple themselves. It’s more of a change from weddings being about your community celebrating your marriage, to about you celebrating your marriage with some of your community there too.

It’s the same reason that having a huge party with your extended family and their family and all your friends is often seen as being a bit up yourself on here, while having a little ceremony focused on you as a couple with a handful of close family means you’ve got your priorities right. But you could equally say, the big party type of wedding is more about you being part of that wider community, while the small type is just about you you you. It’s just a different way of looking at it.

It’s not a bad thing to be focussed on the couple though, is that what you’re insinuating?

I must be living in a parallel universe, because other than the ceremony itself the guests don't focus on the couple. They talk to other guests - friends and family that they haven't seen for ages. If a bride(zilla) thinks she is going to be the centre of attention all day from everyone she is very naive.

I only went to one wedding as a child - bridesmaid at a cousins wedding.
Started ringing church bells when I was about 14 - guinea per wedding. Went to at least 2 or 3 a month

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

YANBU - i have fond memories of plenty of weddings in my extended working class family. Dancing on my dads feet, running and skidding on the dance floor, nicking alcohol from drinks people left on the table, the buffett, the drunk adults giving me money, catching up with my cousins and being naughty and the adults being too drunk to care - happy days!

I agree 100%. People seem to have forgotten nowadays that weddings are about families, creating a new one yourself as a married couple (wether you wish to have children or not) and the first families you both come from, which include children.

"Child free" weddings tend to happen where the couple are desperate for some attention and want to be a celebrity for the day! Sad I think.

Mine haven't been to a wedding in the 15 years they have been around either (well my son was at mine but we only knew one other child at the time). I'm not sad. People don't seem to have these fab family gatherings anymore. It's all about being perfect and apparently kids are too unpredictable for that. That's the sad bit - that people put perfection above the kids.

I would have loved more kids at my wedding but we had no kids in the family other than mine and our friends weren't married or had children but if they did they would have been invited, after all they are a part of the friends you invited. Doesn't change anything about the wedding. Don't really get it myself.

What Pinkdelight3 said.

I think weddings are only fun for children if they're more informal weddings. The type with a buffet and such. Big family type weddings where you can hang out with your cousins and snigger and Uncle Jim getting shit faced.

We had a childless wedding but I honestly don't think children would have enjoyed it - not very much family, long sit down formal meal, etc. It's what we wanted but not the sort of wedding I enjoyed as a child.

• I agree 100%. People seem to have forgotten nowadays that weddings are about families, creating a new one yourself as a married couple (wether you wish to have children or not) and the first families you both come from, which include children.

"Child free" weddings tend to happen where the couple are desperate for some attention and want to be a celebrity for the day! Sad I think.*

This is bollocks.

Lots of us don't have that kind of family dynamic. I moved 200 miles away at 18 - I barely know my cousins and see my Mum's sibling once in a blue moon.

DH is an only child and his two cousins live in China and the Caribbean so declined anyway (fair enough, he hasn't seen them in decades so we didn't think they'd come back for it).

So given there's very little of our families to invite it seemed weird to spend £150 per head on the children of our friends, all under six that wouldn't care about being there and wouldn't remember it anyway.

I didn't like weddings when I was a child, found the 'grown ups' often behaved embarrassingly. I hated being a bridesmaid at ten, horrible dress & I felt stupid (I was also bridesmaid at five but didn't mind that).

England is such a child unfriendly place. I think it’s very sad that weddings have become like this. I find adult only functions quite boring. I live in Portugal and people hang out and socialise with their children all the time here. And we even go out in the evenings with them on a school night would you believe! It’s completely normal. I’ve only had a babysitter for my 11 year old son a handful of times.

I think it is sad that children don’t get invited to weddings... surely it’s about the joining of families as well as the people getting married? It’s also a time for children to see family they might not otherwise see much of. My own children ( now all adults) have only been to two weddings ( their cousins) , but children were well catered for with large goody bags, and were welcomed as part and parcel of proceedings. One was in a large house at a well known zoo, ( which we allowed to wander around) the other was a full on catholic wedding then at a grand country house.
Weddings I went to were in church halls( one in a hotel-but nothing fancy)and I just remember enjoying seeing relatives and dancing with cousins. My own wedding was close family ( including children) only , after a register office wedding - all back to our flat!