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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad that my DC have never been to a wedding

372 replies

BrittanyKAMA · 06/05/2021 09:58

When I was little, I attended loads of weddings. They were always fun, family affairs. It was nice to meet up with distant relatives and dress up for the day in fancy clothes.

However, since my DC were born 15 years ago, absolutely every wedding we’ve been invited to has been a childless wedding. Obviously it’s up to the bride and groom who they invite, but I just think it’s a shame that what used to be an occasion for families is increasingly considered just an adult event.

We just got an invitation through from DH’s oldest friend who was best man at our wedding. They are having a destination wedding at a ski resort. Not only would this cost us a fortune, but what are we supposed to do with DC for 4 days? And before anybody asks, our DC are very well-behaved, so it’s nothing personal.

AIBU to feel a bit sad about this change?

OP posts:

Original poster

BrittanyKAMA · 06/05/2021 11:11

Weddings can be the ONLY time that a whole family gets together.

Also we had their DC at our wedding and did everything we could to make the day fun for them. That doesn’t mean that they should reciprocate, if course.

We don’t have anyone who could look after our DC. Well, actually we do, as PIL live 20 mins away but hate me, so don’t want anything to do with our DC. My family are overseas. So our oldest friends getting married is a big deal. But 4 days away in a ski resort at high season is completely out of the question.

OP posts:

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 06/05/2021 11:13

If people are going to have big bucks destination weddings they HAVE to accept many people can't or won't come. Just say "sorry we have no one to leave the kids with".

IceSwallowCome · 06/05/2021 11:13

I never went to a wedding until I was in my 20s. It's never crossed my mind that it's something I'm supposed to feel sad about

sqirrelfriends · 06/05/2021 11:13

We had kids at our wedding and they had a great time. Yanbu

Lyricallie · 06/05/2021 11:15

I can't even think who's wedding I would have went to as a child. I went to one uncles and that was it. All my cousins were also children and my mum was the youngest of her siblings (and most lived abroad).

My dad had one brother who never married. Who's weddings are you thinking of?

FlyingPandas · 06/05/2021 11:17

God, no. Give me a child free wedding any day. Every single wedding I’ve been to where children have been invited have been a bit shit, if I’m honest - stressful for the adults, boring as hell for the teenagers and not a whole lot of fun for the DC either.

My DC have never been to a wedding either and I do not feel sad in the slightest. Weddings are not about children. Unless the bride and groom really want family DC there of course. We had family dc only for the simple reason that if we’d invited everyone else’s chlldren there would have been about 30 babies and toddlers and it would have been carnage. I will never ever regret that decision.

I do completely agree though that expecting parents to attend a 4 day wedding malarkey abroad with no DC invited is massively unfair and unrealistic.

LizJamIsFab · 06/05/2021 11:18

Yanbu but also my kids have already been to more weddings than I ever had so I guess it depends on your family/circle. I’ve only been to one childless wedding and that was because of brides own family strife. Otherwise to me (and my closest) wedding is 2 families joining and (COVID exception) children must go.

Rewis · 06/05/2021 11:18

Sad is a bit of an overstatement but I do remember loving weddings as a kid! Made new friend with the other kids, ate, stayed up late, run outside etc. People often say that kids will he bored, it will be more fun for adults not having to supervise and so on but that it not my experience at all.

I don't have children so I don't really have a problem with children weddings. But attitudes towards kids have changed and the expectations of what is required from parents. What we called "parenting" is now called "free range parenting " and looked down on.

DappledThings · 06/05/2021 11:19

Thing is, it's not really appropriate to bring toys or colouring to a wedding breakfast. Shit like that just gets in the way
We provided bags of such things at our wedding as all children were welcome and we wanted them to be included and entertained.

Been at other weddings before we had our DC when there were children and colouring etc at the table and I never felt it got in the way.

CounsellorTroi · 06/05/2021 11:21

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Of all the things to get upset about this is bizarre - I’m the youngest in the family and never went to a wedding as a child. What exactly are they missing out on? Parties and family gatherings aren’t limited to weddings

I agree. I went to one wedding as a child, older cousin, church followed by country pub. It was nice to meet up with other cousins but we often did and it wasn’t a particularly memorable occasion for us.

tuesday2am · 06/05/2021 11:21

We're planning our wedding for next year and will be happily inviting our friend's children. We'll have two children of our own there, so naturally we'd want them to have other kids to play with on the day. But also the point of our wedding is to celebrate our marriage with those we love and care about - that includes the children in our life, both ours and our friends. We're thinking there could be approx. 10 kids at our wedding and will most likely have a 'kids table' for the wedding breakfast. We'd love for them to play, run around, dance and sing and have just as much fun as the adults hopefully!

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 06/05/2021 11:23

When my sister got married (she loves kids) IIRC there were 50 adults and 30 children! It was fucking carnage. And to accommodate for the kids most of the music was kids music, like Tweenies theme tune, I am the Music Man (though I did get up for that one, pi-a-pi-a-pi-ano ), Heads Shoulders Knees and Toes, Superman etc. So it was a bit like being at Butlins in cocktail dresses (bizarrely it was also a black tie event). It was pretty shit TBH.

I don't remember ever going to a wedding as a child except my mum's, which consisted of a registry office and our blended immediate families going to an Italian restaurant so not a big 'do'. I'm sure i must have though!

EmbarrassingMama · 06/05/2021 11:23

I agree. I don't mind if people don't want kids at their wedding, but I loved a childhood of party dresses, dancing, staying up too late and eating cake under the table. Happy memories!

BrightYellowDaffodil · 06/05/2021 11:27

Weddings have moved on from a knees-up in the village hall! People have the wedding they want and - given the number of ceremonies where vows have been blocked out by crying babies/parents saying loudly "Yes, Araminta, she IS wearing a very big dress, isn't she? Do you think it's pretty?" as if the 'I Do' moment is the time for engaging conversation/children being encouraged to play at the back of the church to 'keep them quiet' when they're anything but - I don't blame them.

I never get this idea of "Weddings are for the families". Much as I don't endorse Bridezilla behaviour (except on here, where it's highly entertaining ) it should be about what the bride and groom want. If they want a big family shindig, crack on. If they want a small soirée type thing, that's fine too.

FWIW, I was always bored rigid by weddings as a child.

VioletCharlotte · 06/05/2021 11:33

It's up to the bride and groom of course whether they want to invite children, but I do agree it seems a shame if they don't get to attend any.

I used to love weddings as a child. Getting a new dress to wear, throwing confetti, seeing the bride and bridesmaids all dressed up, lovely car or horse drawn carriage. Receptions were always great fun, seeing all your extended family, a buffet, fuzzy drinks, dancing...

My DC went to three or four weddings when they were small, all with lots of kids there, and they loved it too! In my mind, weddings are a celebration where families and friends should come together, including children, but I know everyone has different views.

Crosstrainer · 06/05/2021 11:34

Weddings used to be lower stress and lower key, I think - local church and a “do” in the village hall. Now it’s another form of conspicuous consumption and so attitudes have changed. I agree that it’s a shame, really.

WhateverJohnnyMcNofriends · 06/05/2021 11:35

I'm in my 40s and never went to a wedding until I was an adult.

I was one of the last of my friends to get married and they all had multiple children by the time we did. Having their children there would have meant having to make tough choices about which friends/family to invite due to the space available in the venue. So we went for a child free wedding with the exception of our nieces/nephews so that we could invite the all the people we wanted.

CutieBear · 06/05/2021 11:39

YABU. I had to go to several weddings as a child and I always found them boring, especially the ceremony. The receptions were also boring and awkward. Just children I didn’t know and lots of drunk adults.

easterndreaming · 06/05/2021 11:43

I think this is an extension of a cultural change in in the uk, particularly in some parts of society. I come from a different culture and now live abroad. Children are part of daily life, we eat together, lunch and evening meal, with either nuclear or extended family every day; society is set up to enable this. Most children are not constantly in paid activities and children's clubs on holiday are seen as strange. I am not criticising these choices, but when posters say that children would be bored at weddings, I feel that may be a reflection of the types of life they lead, constantly geared up to them, in individual groups with similar age children and appropriate activities etc. These children, while often having all the advantages money can buy, miss out on a way of learning to connect to family and wider society in general. In a similar way, some adults feel the need to separate adult life from children even in occasions such as weddings. I have a feeling it is to do with escapism, alcohol and the strive for perfection parenting on the part of parents. I feel that child free weddings is just part of the division in t he rest of society.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 06/05/2021 11:44

We were never invited to weddings as children - they were always adult-only events. I should think it saved money on the reception bill for the family concerned.

There's such a lot of overhead involved in attending a wedding now that I should think comparatively few families can afford to attend the entire celebration.

JayDot500 · 06/05/2021 11:44

Our wedding plans were definitely fixed around the fact we wanted all the kids to have fun too. It is in our culture to have bigger weddings, but this is slowly dying out because, understandably, a big day is not important in the grand scheme of the marriage. We were also first family wedding in almost a decade (for both DH and I) and I fondly remember the many weddings I went to as a child. We only really see the same family crowds at funerals and that is just grim.

The kids LOVED the space to run around outside, and the activities/food we arranged for them. Many of the girls were actually in awe of my bridal gown/look and several children I didn't personally know wanted to take pictures with me (I'm black, suddenly I felt overwhelmed by emotion, seeing all the little black girls wanting to take a picture with me because they thought I was a princess haha). Whenever I'd see some of them after my wedding, they recalled the day with glee. My kids probably will not attend a wedding that big for a long while, but I understand it and hold no real feelings against that.

Nataliafalka · 06/05/2021 11:46

I never went to a wedding as a child. they weren't for children, weddings were always adult only in my experience

DragonMuff · 06/05/2021 11:48

@BrittanyKAMA

Weddings can be the ONLY time that a whole family gets together.

Also we had their DC at our wedding and did everything we could to make the day fun for them. That doesn’t mean that they should reciprocate, if course.

Not inviting children and it being inconvenient for the adult guests is a different issue to it being a shame not to invite children as children miss out.

Didn’t you say this was an old friends wedding, not a family wedding? So why does them inviting or not inviting your children affect whether their whole family gets together? Your children aren’t their family. Maybe they’re inviting their family’s children. Maybe they’re not. But it being impossible for you to leave your children for a destination wedding (fair enough) has got nothing to do with how often their whole family gets together.

DragonMuff · 06/05/2021 11:50

I never get this idea of "Weddings are for the families". Much as I don't endorse Bridezilla behaviour (except on here, where it's highly entertaining grin ) it should be about what the bride and groom want. If they want a big family shindig, crack on. If they want a small soirée type thing, that's fine too

I agree with this and honestly can’t believe it’s controversial

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 06/05/2021 11:54

We would've loved to have kids at our wedding but we had to have a child free wedding because my DSD's mum wouldn't let her come - even though she wanted to. But we weren't able to have other kids because we'd lied to DSD and said it was no kids allowed because we didn't want DSD to know it was her mums spite that stopped her coming.

I feel that weddings are - or should be - family occasions. It's not just two individuals bonding but two families.

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