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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that my DC have never been to a wedding

372 replies

BrittanyKAMA · 06/05/2021 09:58

When I was little, I attended loads of weddings. They were always fun, family affairs. It was nice to meet up with distant relatives and dress up for the day in fancy clothes.

However, since my DC were born 15 years ago, absolutely every wedding we’ve been invited to has been a childless wedding. Obviously it’s up to the bride and groom who they invite, but I just think it’s a shame that what used to be an occasion for families is increasingly considered just an adult event.

We just got an invitation through from DH’s oldest friend who was best man at our wedding. They are having a destination wedding at a ski resort. Not only would this cost us a fortune, but what are we supposed to do with DC for 4 days? And before anybody asks, our DC are very well-behaved, so it’s nothing personal.

AIBU to feel a bit sad about this change?

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 09/05/2021 10:08

I agree with that attitude, Inwiththenew.

I took my children out in the evening too, even when they were small, and they always had dinner with their dad and I in the evening, stayed up until they were tired. Same on holiday, we were a unit and there was no putting kids upstairs so we could have an evening without them, it wouldn't have crossed our minds.

When it comes to weddings and whether or not children attend, it depends on the size of the guest list, the venue, the type of reception. They can be boring occasions for kids if they cannot run around freely.

Children do go to weddings here but tend not to be invited to smaller, formal receptions. In recent times there have been hardly any weddings, never mind guests!

Ariela · 09/05/2021 10:25

Being older parents we were the last to have kids. Consequently our eldest (22) has never been to a wedding, only to funerals - and to loads of those.
She was going to her cousin's wedding last year but that got cancelled . Hopefully they will rearrange at some point.

IceSwallowCome · 09/05/2021 11:36

Are you still a megalomaniacal attention seeker if there aren't any children to invite? 🤔

IceSwallowCome · 09/05/2021 11:44

Whoops, wrong thread. Maybe still relevant here though?

SockQueen · 09/05/2021 14:55

@IceSwallowCome

Are you still a megalomaniacal attention seeker if there aren't any children to invite? 🤔
If you are, I am too! Our youngest guest (one of my cousins) was 16. There literally weren't any children to invite among any of our friends and family - and we had 75 on our guest list so not like it was a tiny wedding either. We were among the first of our friends to get married, at 26/7, and none of our friends of similar ages had started their families yet. Should we have perhaps hired a few small children so we didn't look too selfish/attention-seeking/whatever?!

It's our ten year anniversary this year, and I did a quick estimate of what would happen if we had the same guests this time - over 25 extra children!

Arrierttyclock · 09/05/2021 15:14

I remember going to weddings when I was a kid and they're boring! Be glad your kids don't have to put up with that

Pet8 · 09/05/2021 23:24

My dc first and only wedding invite was when they were teens.I've only been invited as an all day guest at a church wedding twice in my life 30 years apart. I've been to about 6 or 7 all day civil weddings - my first aged 15! Just a night guest at every other wedding.
Actually, that's made me really sad. I've only ever been on the periphery with both family and friends as an evening guest, worse still, mostly as the plus one.
I'm 50. I've never been married, I've never been proposed to, I've never been a bridesmaid.

0gfhty · 10/05/2021 00:20

I don't actually like weddings at all, never really enjoyed one properly. But I voted YANBU because it is sad isn't it when you can't give your children the experiences you cherished from your own childhood.

Maggiesfarm · 10/05/2021 04:56

@Arrierttyclock

I remember going to weddings when I was a kid and they're boring! Be glad your kids don't have to put up with that
Yes, I didn't like them. I think what got to me the most was (some) adults behaving OTT and embarrassingly at the reception. I hoped nobody would think they were my relatives :-).
Feather12 · 10/05/2021 05:37

The best weddings I have been to have had children. I can understand people wanting adult only affairs, but they always seem a bit all show and no substance. They are visually stunning but so fucking boring.

kavalkada · 10/05/2021 06:09

Every country has different customs around weddings. I live in a country where there is no such thing as a child free wedding. God help that bride who dares to write that in her invitation.

But I understand the British side because of the cost of wedding. In my country (Croatia) nobody gives you presents at a wedding, 99 per cent of the guests will give you envelope with money, it is expected and nobody does different. And if you are a family with two kids, certain amount it is expected (200-300 euros) and people usually respect that.

If you read croatian wedding forums every know and then comes a topic "I am a maid of honor, how much should I give". So newlyweds usually spend the first wedding night counting the money - and untangling bride's hair.

In my twenties I was invited to a british-croatiaN wedding, but for the life of me I can't remember if there were kids. Only that croatian side was very nervous because of speeches because they couldn't start to eat.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 10/05/2021 06:25

I know from family photos that I went to a few weddings as a child - but I have absolutely no memories of them. So for me they were clearly not wonderful experiences! YABU to believe that your children should have the same experiences you had.

Drinkingallthewine · 10/05/2021 20:30

In my country (Croatia) nobody gives you presents at a wedding, 99 per cent of the guests will give you envelope with money, it is expected and nobody does different.

Same in Ireland. Very few will give a physical gift, it's all cards with a nice amount of money in it. They call it covering your plate here - you'd put at least the amount of what it would cost for your dinner and the toast drinks but realistically most people put in enough that most couples recoup a large chunk of the wedding costs, if not the entirety of them.

JFD0201 · 12/05/2021 00:57

Oh bless! Your children are your blessing - everyone else - yes really

Changechangychange · 12/05/2021 01:03

YABU. I went to my first wedding in my late 20s (rest of extended family all married by the time I came along). I love weddings, but I would not have enjoyed them as a child. DS hasn’t been to any, and the only one he might get invited to is DBro’s, if he ever gets married. I am sure he will cope.

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/05/2021 01:07

I think people are less likely now to add ‘& family’ to invitations for non-family. It’s probably not about kids but people just spending more than they can afford and so cutting down in some areas.

CokeDrinker · 12/05/2021 01:21

@BrittanyKAMA YABU Weddings are for adults, they are not for children. And most children would rather do a maths test or go to the dentist than sit still for hours at a boring wedding and not get their clothes dirty and not be able to do anything. I don't know any child who enjoys weddings, so adults who want children there are selfish and don't understand it from a child's view. It is no fun for them!
Weddings are about 2 ADULTS entering an ADULT relationship. It's not a child's birthday party! Children do not belong at weddings, clear and simple. Full stop.

LolaSmiles · 12/05/2021 12:45

GrumpyHoonMain
This has me thinking, there's a big difference between the weddings I attended as a child and the weddings I've attended as an adult.

As a child most weddings were a quick church ceremony or registry office followed by a reception at people's homes or in a church hall, village hall or buffet at a local pub, possibly with some music later.
As an adult, most weddings now seem to be in big venues, cocktail hour whilst photos are taken, a 3 course wedding breakfast, more drinks time whilst the room is set up for an evening reception. The venue charges per head and the whole package is more focused on a luxury party and pretty photos.

BiddyPop · 12/05/2021 17:05

Same in Ireland. Very few will give a physical gift, it's all cards with a nice amount of money in it. They call it covering your plate here - you'd put at least the amount of what it would cost for your dinner and the toast drinks but realistically most people put in enough that most couples recoup a large chunk of the wedding costs, if not the entirety of them.

That may be the case now, but it wasn't for a long time. We got some money, but lots and lots of lamps and towels (but no kettle and only 1 toaster - lots of friends got 3/4 toasters!). And the obligatory piece of Waterford Crystal...but back then, most couples were also setting up their first house at the same time and had no money to do it. (And we were in a very similar position). So they tended to be a mix of practical presents and the "good" sets of things that would be used for 50+ years.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 12/05/2021 17:10

From what I read about Irish weddings on MN they come across as a right swizz - pay 500 euros to travel to some shindig with expensive drinks. I don't know how people afford to go? 'Covering your plate', why not just charge admission, it's more honest? God help you if you're poor, guess you just don't go.

Drinkingallthewine · 17/06/2021 18:50

@osbertthesyrianhamster

From what I read about Irish weddings on MN they come across as a right swizz - pay 500 euros to travel to some shindig with expensive drinks. I don't know how people afford to go? 'Covering your plate', why not just charge admission, it's more honest? God help you if you're poor, guess you just don't go.
I've never paid 500 euros at any wedding. We gave close friends half that and it's considered generous.

Nobody expects gifts.. And if you love your friends and family you genuinely don't care if they get you nothing - you want them there to share the day with you. I've attended weddings as a broke student, so gave fuck all and it was fine. You only give what you could afford and sometimes that's literally nothing except a card or a physical gift.
I've yet to meet an Irish couple who would judge their guests for their gift.

On the other hand the one and only UK wedding I went to, the couple were clear they wanted cash, and a substantial sum at that. Then the day after the wedding caused a lot of embarrassment by discussing what amount each person had given with other people at the wedding and shaming people for their gifts.

Lulu1919 · 17/06/2021 18:55

If that's the only thing you are sad about concerning your kids ..I'd think yourself very lucky !!!
My first wedding was my own at 21 and I've never been a bridesmaid ...but hey it's not a big deal ....is it !?!?!??

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