Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that my DC have never been to a wedding

372 replies

BrittanyKAMA · 06/05/2021 09:58

When I was little, I attended loads of weddings. They were always fun, family affairs. It was nice to meet up with distant relatives and dress up for the day in fancy clothes.

However, since my DC were born 15 years ago, absolutely every wedding we’ve been invited to has been a childless wedding. Obviously it’s up to the bride and groom who they invite, but I just think it’s a shame that what used to be an occasion for families is increasingly considered just an adult event.

We just got an invitation through from DH’s oldest friend who was best man at our wedding. They are having a destination wedding at a ski resort. Not only would this cost us a fortune, but what are we supposed to do with DC for 4 days? And before anybody asks, our DC are very well-behaved, so it’s nothing personal.

AIBU to feel a bit sad about this change?

OP posts:
Parky04 · 06/05/2021 14:30

As a child I hated weddings and not much has changed now that I'm an adult!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 06/05/2021 14:32

The couple can't legally marry in the destination so have the real wedding in the UK.

Not so. I was married in a town hall and this was completely legally binding, albeit the marriage certificate is written in another language of which I have only a basic knowledge.

That said, we only had six guests (two of whom were children).

fiheka · 06/05/2021 14:32

I think you must have all incredibly well-behaved children at these weddings, or some parents are taking responsibility to manage it, or it is carnage. I have organised lots of kids parties and without constant careful managing, it does turn into carnage.

garlictwist · 06/05/2021 14:36

I'm 40 and only been to two weddings in my life - and one of those was my sister's! My friends just aren't the marrying type. I never went to weddings as a child - didn't even go to my own parents' (I was at school).

Pyewackect · 06/05/2021 14:39

I’ve had mixed experiences too. The last one I went to, relatively recently, was just chaotic. We had to suffer a wailing child throughout the church ceremony, eventually being dragged out by his seething father. One ended up in the ornamental pond, soaking wet and covered in green slime but otherwise unhurt and another puked all over the dance floor. I took that as my Q , grabbed my husband and retreated to the pub where we were staying. Bumped into a relative at breakfast, “ you missed the fight “ 🤭

motherloaded · 06/05/2021 14:39

I think you must have all incredibly well-behaved children at these weddings

well, no, that's why we have kids tables and leave the kids out of the way 😂

It's enough of a threat to let them know any misbehaving means having to come to sit at OUR table for the entire duration of the meal to keep them reasonably quiet and safe.

But yes, parents naturally take turn and keep an eye on them, even if a dad pops out for 5 minutes to play football or something. Multiply by the number of mums and dads.. it's no chore and everybody is happy.

I did pay for a couple of people for my own wedding, but that's just me.
I also pack entertainment for my own kids just in case, never had to use any so far.

fiheka · 06/05/2021 14:44

@motherloaded It sounds like your family have very informal weddings anyway. Many weddings these days are far more formal.

LittleTiger007 · 06/05/2021 14:45

I agree it is sad.times have changed beyond all recognition.

Maggiesfarm · 06/05/2021 14:46

Honestly, Britanny, your children will not feel deprived - honestly. I know some little ones like the idea of being a flower girl or something but when they are young adults,they will have just accepted the status quo.

I agree a four day ski trip is too expensive for most people. The only compromise would be you going alone but I can't see that happening, and I can see the reasons why not.

All I can say about that is that you will not be the only one who cannot go for financial reasons.

Maggiesfarm · 06/05/2021 14:47

Sorry for saying 'honestly' twice in first para.

Forgot to say, it's lovely to hear that you are happily married. Long may it continue.

fiheka · 06/05/2021 14:47

@LittleTiger007 I think there are a lot of rose-tinted glasses here. I remember lots of young brides complaining that their parents who were paying for it had invited lots of relatives they did not really know and pushing them into their idea of a family wedding.

shampoobar · 06/05/2021 14:49

I was 19 when I went to my first and only wedding, it wasn't that great.

amusedbush · 06/05/2021 14:54

I'm 31 and I've only been to two weddings. I was my auntie's only bridesmaid when I was about 8 and then I was a plus one at my ex's friend's wedding when I was 18. I have few friends as an adult and they are either single or were married when I met them.

DH and I eloped so no guests to worry about. My brother is set to have a Big Wedding (covid permitting) in November this year and I'm dreading it. I can't imagine they are that fun for kids.

Mulberry974 · 06/05/2021 14:55

There are very few weddings that I don't find mostly tedious. I went to huge numbers as a kid and really didn't enjoy them. Only positive was that by the time I got married I knew for definite what I hated and didn't want Grin

Pyewackect · 06/05/2021 15:08

@Mulberry974

There are very few weddings that I don't find mostly tedious. I went to huge numbers as a kid and really didn't enjoy them. Only positive was that by the time I got married I knew for definite what I hated and didn't want Grin
.... made me chortle 😄
Lemonyfuckit · 06/05/2021 15:11

We are getting married soon and having a child free wedding, apart from babes in arms. Just from our perspective, we do really like spending time with all our friends' children (we don't yet have children ourself) but the reason we have chosen to have it child free is because we are relatively 'old' to be getting married, and almost all of our friends already have one or two children, so it would mean that the numbers would increase by about a third at least, and we just don't have room at the venue we would like to get married at, and that would also add a decent amount to the costs. It's purely because it would add about 30-40 people (albeit smaller people) to the list of guest if everyone we wanted to invite also brought their children. I realise this may be an unpopular way of doing it on MN, but we have tried to make things easier for our guests as there are self catering cottages on site which they have first dibs on (so 2 min walk from the party) and the venue can put us in touch with babysitters etc, so hopefully it will give people options.

CaptainMyCaptain · 06/05/2021 15:14

I never went to any weddings as a child. I don't think I suffered.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 06/05/2021 15:16

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

The couple can't legally marry in the destination so have the real wedding in the UK.

Not so. I was married in a town hall and this was completely legally binding, albeit the marriage certificate is written in another language of which I have only a basic knowledge.

That said, we only had six guests (two of whom were children).

That's why I said 'a lot' of them or 'many of them' and not 'all of them' Hmm.
SunAndSea37 · 06/05/2021 15:33

Agree I think it's a shame, some of my best memories as a kid are from weddings and being a bridesmaid too. But like @Lemonyfuckit says, people marrying later means it would add dozens and dozens to the guest list if everyone brought one or two kids along. I do also think the change in wedding culture is not down to couples' attitudes in every case, but partly down to it becoming so much more of an 'industry' now. I went into arranging mine wanting it to be super relaxed, horrified by all the costs and swearing mine wouldn't be like that, but unfortunately it is true what they say that the word wedding adds thousands to the cost and anywhere that can possibly be a slightly more relaxed venue has already got wise to it and is charging big bucks - unless you can have it at home which most people don't have space for. In any case mine got cancelled cos of Covid anyway and was so small I couldn't even have family kids in attendance!

osbertthesyrianhamster · 06/05/2021 15:38

@Mulberry974

There are very few weddings that I don't find mostly tedious. I went to huge numbers as a kid and really didn't enjoy them. Only positive was that by the time I got married I knew for definite what I hated and didn't want Grin
I went to one where the couple sang Endless Love to each other, all verses, all badly.

Another where the celebrant pulled out 2 bars of soap from his robes and handed 1 each to the bride and groom and lectured them on maintaining good hygiene (from what I've now read on MN, he wasn't wrong).

A Muslim wedding where the celebrant proceeded to preach that he saw Islamic women in the wedding whose heads were not covered an how they were bad Muslims.

All sorts!

fiheka · 06/05/2021 15:43

I went to a very religious Christian one with about 1.5 hours sermon. If I had been there with a child I would have encouraged them to mess about so I had an excuse to take them out.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 06/05/2021 15:48

Motherloaded it sounds like you are describing social groupings eg big extended family and friends where everyone knows each other. Where there might be quite a few school aged children.

The age at weddings and family structure in the UK means most weddings in a family happen well before children reach this age. So there are typically few children at the wedding and adults taking turns to go supervise doesnt work so well when the guests who happen to have the few kids don't know each other well, don't know each others kids at all etc.

I still don't understand what scenario of couple getting married results in a huge volume of guests having children of age 6-12 or so, unless its second marriages.

notacooldad · 06/05/2021 15:52

I never went to a wedding until I was well into adulthood.
I seriously don't feel deprived.
I don't particularly like going to any now!!
I find them long winded and get bored after a while.
I think being sad for your kids is a bit odd!

Sixsillysausagessizzlinginapan · 06/05/2021 15:57

@fiheka

I think you must have all incredibly well-behaved children at these weddings, or some parents are taking responsibility to manage it, or it is carnage. I have organised lots of kids parties and without constant careful managing, it does turn into carnage.
Well it wasn't carnage. And no, they're ordinary well nurtured children who behave (mostly) appropriatly (some with SEN), not the sort who are afraid to speak without permission 🙄 perhaps the children you manage are particularly badly behaved children if carnage descends so easily? When kids are entertained they tend to be well behaved. You get carnage when they're bored. I couldn't bare to have had a stuffy overly structured boring wedding with just adults, and most of my guests wouldn't have been able to make it if I'd refused to allow any children. Funnily enough, I'd have not been able to make it either if I'd had to leave the kids at home 😂 That wouldn't do would it 🤣 No one is telling you to have kids at your wedding but arguing that ours would have been crap because of kids when you obviously weren't there to see how it went isn't exactly fair. My wedding was brilliant.
fiheka · 06/05/2021 16:01

@Sixsillysausagessizzlinginapan you hired a nanny for your wedding, so someone was helping to keep the kids entertained.