Just got accused of 'performance parenting...'

[itsallaboutschmoo]

DP and I have been out for the day taking our 3 year old nephew to a local attraction for his birthday treat.

For reference we are child free ourselves but often have our nephews for weekends and like to take them on days out when possible. DN just turned 3, is entirely non verbal and currently under investigation for hearing issues.

Queuing for a ride with him I was pointing out a dinosaur statue nearby (to keep his attention on something so he didn't become fussy waiting.) I wasn't being especially loud but I do enunciate clearly when I speak to him to give him the best chance of understanding.

A woman behind us in the queue leaned over and tapped me (hello Covid breach) and said 'could you spare us the performance parenting? It's embarrassing.' I was dumbfounded. Not entirely sure what I did wrong and felt really self conscious for the rest of the day. I am maybe a bit loud when I talk to him and I'm not a parent so I suppose I don't know what's considered normal.

So WIBU and 'performance parenting' or should this woman keep her views to herself?

Probably thought she'd get a round of applause and pats on the back from everyone else in the queue, instead they probably just thought she was a twat.

My DH has hearing loss and our toddler DS has had regular issues with her ears/awaiting a hearing test. I'm naturally very quietly spoken but when out and about I really need to force myself to speak up and annunciate for them when there's lots of background noise etc. Especially when DH can't lipread because of masks! We've had some dodgy looks and eye rolls but nobody's ever dared say anything, many a time I've thought of my response in my head in case they do.

People assume only old people have hearing issues

@Exhausted4ever

I'm sick of this 'performance parenting' malarkey. Basically if you're talking to your kid about the surroundings you're performance parenting. Of course if you were ignoring your kid you're badly parenting. What's a person to do?!

come on, it's pretty obvious if you are interacting normally with your child or making a loud fuss to impress the world on how amazing you are. The world doesn't care and the world would appreciate if you could keep it down.

Performance parenting is really annoying though.

To all the posters saying 'its better than not engaging with your child', the majority of people do engage with their children. Performance
parenting isn't a normal conversation with a child about dinosaurs its a loud educational drilling of the child normally, It isn't about the child's needs or developments its purely about showing off. Its not performance parenting or abuse ffs, there's a myriad of perfectly normal interactions with your children that don't involve everyone around you

In this case the woman was of course in the wrong, and should have kept her opinions to herself

Never heard the term Performance Parenting, but Years ago a woman said to her son”
It’s a scrotum, darling”
We did laugh..
Kid was looking at a medical book in a charity bookshop and was asking his mother
“What’s this?”

Love it

She would have been a mumsnetter
There’s a real backlash against any kind of positive parenting on this website amongst many mumsnetters

I'm child free and dote on my nieces. I do worry when I'm with them I look a bit performancy. But I'm just enthusiastic and I have the energy to be saying ooh look at that what does this do etc. Where as parents who have them all the time may not at times.

I do try to be considerate of others and I'm not loud. But even if I was or you were so fucking what.

I think performance parenting is more useful a term when you know a person and they're normally disengaged but then put on a show in public or in front of others. Then you know it truly is performative rather than just how they are or in your case supporting a learning delay.

She was a dick.

Wow, she sounds like a massive dick.

I've never heard the phrase "performance parenting" before . Even if this was you (I know it wasn't!), I can't believe they would actually say something. Who cares if someone is talking loudly to their child? Surely a normal person would just smile to themselves and move on.

I also wonder how many cases of perceived "performance parenting" are actually just normal parent-child interactions, that are misconstrued.

I hate the phrase performance parenting. It's utter bullshit and unnecessarily judgemental.

It would have served her right if you had turned round and told her about his (under investigation) hearing issues while also telling her you’re not his parent and thoroughly shamed her (if she’s able to feel ashamed). It’s also a lesson to any of us who find “performance parenting” irritating, to continue to keep our irritation/comments to ourselves because, as ever, all is not always as it seems.

I have in my time heard a loud “well done, Tarquinius, now let’s hear the passé imperfect” (or similar). I usually have a smirk to myself over it then a bit of a cry that I have no chance of getting the same out of my children

But to say something like that - shitty, and says way more about her than you. And anyone who picked up the exchange would have focussed on her Performance Cuntishness, not your interaction with your DN @itsallaboutschmoo

Stupid cow.
You sound like a lovely aunt... Just talk louder I say :)

What an unpleasant person, wanting to take everyone down to her misery-guts approach to life.

Next time just say: "he has hearing issues.... cunt" (whisper last word).

You sound like such a lovely aunt.

Performance parenting is irritating. I once took my kids to see the Lego movie at the cinema and there was a dad and son behind us. The dad kept very loudly pointing out which Lego sets the kid had all the way through. And another at a museum where you could hear the mother three rooms away (not the child, I might add, who could barely get a word in edgeways).

However, I would quietly roll eyes and move on. It does tend to be parents who are very loud who do it, and it's not particularly the content of the speech, it's the volume but as you were outside, the woman was rude to say anything to you (and would've been if you were inside as well tbh).

What an arse of a woman. I have to speak loudly and clearly, while keeping it exciting, two young children with speech delays means it's just what I have to do. I know what I come across like, I know its annoying. I see the eye rolls. But my child's needs trump all that stuff so fuck them.

This thread has definitely reassured me not everyone thinks I'm a performance parenting twat though. So that's good

Two words, fuck off! Don’t let people like her make you feel like that.

P.s whats “performance parenting” is this a new trend like helicopter parenting?

what a bitch. I’d have very loudly asked her ‘Are you suggesting communicating with my nephew who hearing issues is embarrassing?!‘ And made a complaint to the member of staff organising the queue. I like to think calling people like this out very publicly might make them think twice next time but who knows really. She probably makes nasty little comments to people all the time. She’s just a dick.

Also, it doesn’t sound like performance parenting. You were just pointing out a Dino. I mean really what’s wrong with that?

I think as PPs have said the thing it has underlined for me is we shouldn't assume anything about anyone else.

DN looks like any other little boy but given his potential additional needs (the hearing impairment isn't definite yet but is the main theory for why he has zero speech) requires different 'parenting.'

This thread has certainly made me feel better about continuing to give him what he needs by speaking loudly and clearly and, if necessary, pointing out dinosaurs to keep him happy. We're off out again next month with his brothers so I'll get a chance to practice my 'not giving a shit attitude.'

Thanks everyone!

Ignore. This is an iota of what Mums get daily.

Sorry that happened to you OP, and yes your poor SIL having to put up with this on a regular basis!

I hate the term performance parenting and suspect that others think I do it. I don't care at all what other people think, that's just how I talk. I talk to 1.5 year old DS all the time about what we can see around us and, gasp, even ask him to repeat words and ask him questions. I tell him the correct names for things in museums ("that's not a leopard darling it's a cheetah, can you say cheetah?" "Look darling it's a meteorite, can you say meee-teee-ooo-ritee? It comes from space and when it hits the atmosphere...") and I do this even when other people can hear. After reading a thread on this a while back I did actually lie to someone about what was in DS's smoked salmon sandwiches - YES he doesn't like ham and cheese! And he prefers croissants to cake!! Shoot me, what an attention seeker I am.

Of course some people do just use their kids as tools with which to try and impress strangers, just like some people are genuinely gaslighted and some people have narcissistic MILs. Most of the time,though, 'performance parenting' is just another stick to beat mothers with I recon.

😂 hilarious 🤣

@AliceMcK

Two words, fuck off! Don’t let people like her make you feel like that.

P.s whats “performance parenting” is this a new trend like helicopter parenting?

Definitely not new I'm afraid. It's when people accuse other parents of overacting to show off in front of other parents.

I got funny looks because I actually talked to my baby in public when DD1 was tiny. Ok, it might be rather one-sided when they are tiny, but you are supposed to talk to your children! I feel sorry for parents who speak in hushed whispers, or feel like they want to or must ignore their children and try to shut their children up when they talk in public because they feel self-conscious or embarrassed about people overhearing.

How is talking to a child “performance parenting”?? What the hell else are you supposed to do when queuing?! And I mean it’s
not like you can just have a quiet conversation about the weather or the current political situation. Pointing stuff out to toddlers is what everyone does!
I think some people would rather you give them a screen and “snacks” rather than actually talk your children. Pathetic.

I hate this term performance parenting whenever I see mums or dads interacting I just think oh what good parents. It’s a happy thing to see!

And it's not new, DD1 is nearly 16.

And very bright and loqacious 😆