Just got accused of 'performance parenting...'

[itsallaboutschmoo]

DP and I have been out for the day taking our 3 year old nephew to a local attraction for his birthday treat.

For reference we are child free ourselves but often have our nephews for weekends and like to take them on days out when possible. DN just turned 3, is entirely non verbal and currently under investigation for hearing issues.

Queuing for a ride with him I was pointing out a dinosaur statue nearby (to keep his attention on something so he didn't become fussy waiting.) I wasn't being especially loud but I do enunciate clearly when I speak to him to give him the best chance of understanding.

A woman behind us in the queue leaned over and tapped me (hello Covid breach) and said 'could you spare us the performance parenting? It's embarrassing.' I was dumbfounded. Not entirely sure what I did wrong and felt really self conscious for the rest of the day. I am maybe a bit loud when I talk to him and I'm not a parent so I suppose I don't know what's considered normal.

So WIBU and 'performance parenting' or should this woman keep her views to herself?

I literally would have said "My nephew has hearing problems and is non verbal. How about you spare us the judgement and have some consideration for those with additional needs."

I'm fairly certain people probably think I'm performance parenting. I'm the sort of person who keeps up a constant narrative chatting to their kids. My son and I both like a chat, and my daughters speech is very unclear so I'm modelling clear speech for her, and I couldn't give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks.

Oh wow. Incredibly rude.
I hate when things like that happen and you don't get a chance to explain!

Forget about it, she was a rude bitch.

She made a show of herself and also gave an impression of being unhinged. Ignore it you did nothing wrong!!! I don’t think anything of anyone pointing things out to kids!

What a horrible person. I certainly would have answered back, loudly, telling her that the child had a medical issue and to mind her own business.

I would have had fun with this.

Said "Thank you for your input" very loudly. Then taken a dramatic bow. Maybe done a little tap dance at the end.

If she was really lucky me crazy kids would have joined me in dancing

It's not 'performance parenting' to engage with a small child. It's normal behaviour and good for their development. Much better than her 'performance small-mindedness'. Enjoy being an Autie and ignore her.

I don't like performance parenting, but do not think this was what you were doing. I wish you had felt able to mention your DNs hearing issues.

What an asshat. It's so hard to think of and say something when you're taken aback like that.

Sadly, we get comments like this (usually overheard) when out with DS, whose deaf. Took me ages to work up the courage to actually say something back to people.

DP and I having fun imagining your comebacks now.

Current faves are 'performance twatting' and doing the tap dance 😂

I hope she is a Mumsnetter and sees this...

@Brokenpencilsarepointless school for the dead? Glad they defunded it!

YANBU. “performance parenting” is another way to make women feel shit when we’re just supporting our kids. “Motherese” is an important part of teaching kids to communicate, and I think it’s repulsive when people mock it. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby_talk

Speaking clearly and talking to a child isn't performance parenting. Aside from being rude, she hasn't even correctly identified it.

A PP's example is performance parenting:
It's not 'oh look at the dinosaur, isn't that cool!', it's more like 'look, there's a T-Rex! How do we know it's a T-rex Toby? Can you name any other type of carnivorous dinosaur?'. All at 20 thousand decibel whilst I try and back away slowly.....*

I think PP is a thing but I reserve my eye rolling for the Jacinta, can you just go back to the Mercedes for the smoked salmon sandwiches variety. Because it's purpose is to show off.

Actual loud and enthusiastic parenting of little ones is fine.

I'm not surprised your S has had these things happen before. Commenting on other's parenting seems to be the only hobby for some rather dull types.

I’d rather be communicating with my child ‘performance parenting’ than ignoring them and being on my phone the entire time.

Someone started a thread on here about performance parenting and it was hilarious- performance parenting is obvious and it’s showing off to the other adults around you.

There was one where a dad was doing pull ups at the park and asking the child to count as he did it really loudly and was saying (shouting) how he won’t do too many as he can’t count to 1000 yet. I can’t remember what else he was doing but I remember laughing my head off.

A woman behind us in the queue leaned over and tapped me (hello Covid breach) and said 'could you spare us the performance parenting? It's embarrassing.'

“Embarrassing? Why is the rude lady embarrassed Nephy? Is it because she is a fuckwit? We’re not embarrassed to be talking clearly because your hearing isnt good, are we?”

I'm really sorry you experienced that. What a nasty piece of work. Let's hop she never has to deal with anyone with health issues eh.

This is tabloid speak. People, especially women, are always reported to be "showing off their curves" or "putting on a display" when they are just doing their job, or doing something normal like the shopping or something. "Performance parenting" has become part of the same lexicon. You can't do perfectly ordinary things and live your life without people judging you one way or another.

I wish you had told her your nephew had a hearing disability op. And that she was embarrassing him. She was so unforgivably rude. That comment speaks volumes about the sort of person she is. And what on earth is she teaching her DC?

Wow, how rude. Don't take it personally. She was probably having a shit day/ life.

@toocold54

Need to find my bollocks in situations like that

You were just taken off guard. It’s annoying looking back on it but try not to let it consume you. In future remember to reply about him having hearing loss very loudly so she feels like a twat.

Yes I agree with this. I've kicked myself for not having an answer ready for the dicks who say, 'What's wrong with you, then?' when we use a disabled parking space and I'm getting my blue badge sorted.

I'm thinking of plumping for, 'I'm a violent psychopathic murderer'. And?'

"Well I'm embarrassed by your lack of manners"

It's so hard to think of something equally waspish to say off the top of your head though!

She’s a dick. You were probably annoying, but so what? Kid could be deaf for all she knew! She should have kept that thought in her head.

People are surprisingly bad at reflecting on the potential needs of others. I’m still slightly annoyed about a lady who complained loudly about «entitled people with no respect for people with children» after my then-boyfriend didn’t step off a narrow pavement into the road for her. He’s blind. Still regret not saying anything, but it’s hard to challenge people.

Sounds like you were doing a great job! For me, PP is the type who respond to play-date and tea invite with «My DC has a unusually developed palette for their age and only eats organic wild salmon, pheasant and foie gras. No dessert please, they’re only allowed sugar twice a month. And they’ll be bringing their cello as they must practise between 4.30 and 5».

You’re fine

Yanbu. I would have taken great delight in telling her that a) I'm not parenting as its not my kid its my nephew and b)he has hearing issues so I have to speak loudly to him . Then watched her squirm. Or told her to Fuck off.