Just got accused of 'performance parenting...'

[itsallaboutschmoo]

DP and I have been out for the day taking our 3 year old nephew to a local attraction for his birthday treat.

For reference we are child free ourselves but often have our nephews for weekends and like to take them on days out when possible. DN just turned 3, is entirely non verbal and currently under investigation for hearing issues.

Queuing for a ride with him I was pointing out a dinosaur statue nearby (to keep his attention on something so he didn't become fussy waiting.) I wasn't being especially loud but I do enunciate clearly when I speak to him to give him the best chance of understanding.

A woman behind us in the queue leaned over and tapped me (hello Covid breach) and said 'could you spare us the performance parenting? It's embarrassing.' I was dumbfounded. Not entirely sure what I did wrong and felt really self conscious for the rest of the day. I am maybe a bit loud when I talk to him and I'm not a parent so I suppose I don't know what's considered normal.

So WIBU and 'performance parenting' or should this woman keep her views to herself?

@BrumBoo

If child has suspected hearing loss, them speaking loudly and clearly is not performance parenting. I would have said something in that situation.

My husband performance parents at times, and it's bloody cringy. It's not 'oh look at the dinosaur, isn't that cool!', it's more like 'look, there's a T-Rex! How do we know it's a T-rex Toby*? Can you name any other type of carnivorous dinosaur?'. All at 20 thousand decibel whilst I try and back away slowly.....

*not child's name.

This cracked me up 😂

I used to be polite and nicely explain myself to people who were assholes about DD1, who has disabilities.

It notably wore off the day she was about 4 I was walking her into a Disabled toilet to change her nappy when a woman said loudly, "Oh, she really looks disabled!". I whipped around and said, "Actually she's severely autistic and stills wears nappies woman starts to scurry away NOT THAT IT'S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS!"

I've had an f you attitude to judgemental assholes ever since. Life is short, too hard and involves too many fights already for a family where a member has disabilities to put up with crap from people you don't have to tolerate!

I would definitely have attracted Dick Woman's ire, OP, because I do this sort of clearly enunciated, loud-ish commentary with DS2 ALL THE TIME and it's because he's severely autistic, largely non-verbal and essentially at 3-4 yr old learning milestones, though he's ten. I would, and have in the past, have fixed her with a withering stare if she'd so much as given me a side-eye. If she'd had the nerve to say something I'd have let her have it with both barrels!

Some people are just dicks, sadly.

@Saddlesore

OK - I'm going to get flayed here but I once pulled someone up over their "performance parenting". I was on the train commute home (remember those?) and I always deliberately choose the Quiet carriage so that I can unwind in peace after a full-on day. There was a father and child sitting opposite me and the father was listening to his child read aloud from a book. Yes, it's lovely that he was doing that, but No, it wasn't lovely that he was doing it in a Quiet carriage. He, in fact, was louder than his child, giving the whole carriage a great performance of what a great dad he was. When they paused for breath I leant over, with a smile, and said what a good reader his child was... and added "Do you think you can get him to read that sign?", pointing to the Quiet carriage sign on the window....

And then everyone stood up and clapped.

What on earth is ‘performance parenting’ I have seriously never heard of this. Is she part of the idiots attention seeking brigade?

I am seriously changing from a laid back chilled person to one that I need to report my self cos I know 100% I would lose it if someone dared to speak like this to me about my parenting!

People need to get a grip. Mind their business & look at themselves & sort their own viciousness out. These people have serious personality problems!

You sound like a fab auntie. Keep doing what you’re doing & ignore vile people.

I would, and have in the past, have fixed her with a withering stare

You have to love the Brits on the war path 😂

What a cow! Ignore, you sound like a fantastic auntie

Clearly she has a chip on her shoulder because she thinks she has messed up with her own kids and is jealous seeing other parents making an effort.

You were being a lovely, concerned, proactive Auntie, and that woman is a...well, can't think of a word bad enough. Do not let this change the way you relate to your nephew one little bit. Do be prepared to simply say, "He's hard of hearing, and I am making sure he feels included. You may f**k straight off to hell if that is offensive to you, Dearie."

I loathe those people you see when you are out with your child at some themed activity who shout rather than speak to their child, calling it 'darling', showing off it's talents necessarily to all within hearing distance. I remember seeing parents in the playground showing off like that and wondering why they do it when they are impressing nobody.

You could turn to your nephew and said clearly and loudly enunciating every word "Don't mind the lady with no manners".

Wow! People are really cheeky these days. I'm shocked she actually tapped you and said that to you ! Never heard of performance parenting before bt from the explanations it sounds like if someone found it annoying the would just roll their eyes and move on how dare she, I'm sorry I would have had to look that bitch up and down and say did you tap me? Whilst giving her one sharp poke to the shoulder lol. And the fact you mentioned your dn hearing problems I would have enjoyed shaming the cf very loudly

She should have kept her feelings to herself . I always do

She should have kept her views to herself. But I probably would have given her a mouthful.

Sound more like A Karen to me, just has her say because she can. I'm on autistic spectrum and was also non verbal at the time I was younger I had a carer who often spoke loud because I struggled to focus because of sensory overload when there's lots of noise and we've had similar scenarios. Although they accused him of speaking loudly (or rather shouting) at me and shaking me while waving his hands around. Whereas in fact he had squatted to my level with his hands on my shoulders to make sure I knew he was trying to address me then he used Makaton sign language to communicate with me knowing I'd find the noisy environment too much. He hadn't even been telling me off. I think he was literally trying to find out what I wanted for dinner in a cafe queue. But at the time I avoided making choices. So his words would have been. "You need to chose between A and B, for dinner" because they were trying to get me used to making choices without overwhelming me. Karen however blew it all out of proportions. I was only thankful that one of my siblings did translate what I said. I found her voice painful and had called her a "noisy, squeaky, screaching cow" and this had been translated much to Karen's horror. My carer apologised but pointed out that I was autistic and very literal. She then said that the way he was shouting at me shaking and waving his hands can't be helping. She told a member of staff at the playcentre we were at but stormed off in a huff when the staff member told her they were well aware of my needs and how my carer worked that they didn't find him agressive and perhaps she was more than likely judging him because he was a big man and had tattoos so wasn't you average looking carer but that in their view he worked well with me. I suffered selective mutism for years on and off still do occasionally hen stressed. But used to love this carer and it really upset me how people like her though about him.

As far as your post goes you sound like your doing your best. Has your Nephew been tested for autism. Because they thought I was deaf originally but it turned out to be sensory overload. Its not that I don't hear I hear everything and hear far too much. Lights, electric, machinery literally everything so it makes hearing voices and requests hard. I used to use ear defenders and resorted to Makaton or BSL in busy areas.

Sound more like A Karen to me, just has her say because she can.
She sounds like a Karen rude and obnoxious woman.

Sound more like A Karen to me, just has her say because she can.

Please don’t call people Karens. Horribly sexist insult.

She's a dick and a nosey bint. I would have continued and maybe even more so just to piss her off.

Why is using a term of endearment I.e 'darling' about impressing those around you? I really think this says more about the person thinking that. Amongst my friends some use, 'sweetie' they are familiar terms of endearment in some circles and families and they certainly aren't thinking about it. Why be offended by that.

@Goldenbear

Why is using a term of endearment I.e 'darling' about impressing those around you? I really think this says more about the person thinking that. Amongst my friends some use, 'sweetie' they are familiar terms of endearment in some circles and families and they certainly aren't thinking about it. Why be offended by that.

Hi never call my children by their names!

Darling
Sweet pea
Smelly
My gorgeous girl
Snozcumber
Sweetie pies

I could go on and on.

I'd have covered my nephews ears and told her to fuck off

Why is using a term of endearment I.e 'darling' about impressing those around you?

For the same reason that PP anecdotes feature children named Tristan and not Jayden.

People’s insecurities play a big part in this.

Complete twat (her not you).

She had no idea about the situation, so to jump to conclusions is out order for a start. But to touch you (not ok right now) and tell you to pack it in because she doesn't like it... I would have told her to jog on and very loudly said 'I'm sorry you don't like me talking to a hard of hearing child so that he can actually communicate - maybe we should stay indoors so you can have a lovely day!'. How bloody rude, I would have been fuming.

@Egghead81

I affectionately call my DDs all sorts of things. The main ones are:

Little Pest
Little Sausage
Darling
Pickle Pants
Dribble Chops (reserved for 7mo DD2)

Same here for both of mine; squiggles, baby, bubba, darling, beautiful boy, poopus, dudey bug 😂 I’m surprised they know their actual names.