Just got accused of 'performance parenting...'

[itsallaboutschmoo]

DP and I have been out for the day taking our 3 year old nephew to a local attraction for his birthday treat.

For reference we are child free ourselves but often have our nephews for weekends and like to take them on days out when possible. DN just turned 3, is entirely non verbal and currently under investigation for hearing issues.

Queuing for a ride with him I was pointing out a dinosaur statue nearby (to keep his attention on something so he didn't become fussy waiting.) I wasn't being especially loud but I do enunciate clearly when I speak to him to give him the best chance of understanding.

A woman behind us in the queue leaned over and tapped me (hello Covid breach) and said 'could you spare us the performance parenting? It's embarrassing.' I was dumbfounded. Not entirely sure what I did wrong and felt really self conscious for the rest of the day. I am maybe a bit loud when I talk to him and I'm not a parent so I suppose I don't know what's considered normal.

So WIBU and 'performance parenting' or should this woman keep her views to herself?

I just can’t imagine why someone would go out of their way to hurt a random stranger like that. What a horrible thing to do in itself but then it has a longer lasting impact where you’re going over it in your mind. Hope it doesn’t stop you from interacting with him like that which is exactly the right thing to do.

@Boopeedoop

My cousin is dead since birth and she was screamed at and shoved for not answering someone in the supermarket.

She turned around and spoke to him using sign language and he shuffled off embarrassed.

People seem to forget deaf people exist in the world.

I shouldn't laugh but couldn't help it with the typo ...... assume you meant deaf!

You NEVER mention performance parenting to someone (looking) guilty of it.

Either they really aren't, and you look like a twat

Or, like so many posters on here, they pretend ignoring what it means, or boast about their perfect parenting - as opposed to others who abandon/ignore their children.

Basically it touches a nerve for some people

@Biancadelrioisback ahhh I didn’t realise there was a name for it, I just call them dicks.

@AgathaAllAlong

Sorry that happened to you OP, and yes your poor SIL having to put up with this on a regular basis!

I hate the term performance parenting and suspect that others think I do it. I don't care at all what other people think, that's just how I talk. I talk to 1.5 year old DS all the time about what we can see around us and, gasp, even ask him to repeat words and ask him questions. I tell him the correct names for things in museums ("that's not a leopard darling it's a cheetah, can you say cheetah?" "Look darling it's a meteorite, can you say meee-teee-ooo-ritee? It comes from space and when it hits the atmosphere...") and I do this even when other people can hear. After reading a thread on this a while back I did actually lie to someone about what was in DS's smoked salmon sandwiches - YES he doesn't like ham and cheese! And he prefers croissants to cake!! Shoot me, what an attention seeker I am.

Of course some people do just use their kids as tools with which to try and impress strangers, just like some people are genuinely gaslighted and some people have narcissistic MILs. Most of the time,though, 'performance parenting' is just another stick to beat mothers with I recon.

I feel I need to introduce you to my husband .

I mean, you really feel the need to correct a 1.5 year old from leopard to cheetah isn't performance parenting? Most children that age really dngaf what kind of cat it is, they just want to enjoy the big roary animal....

I might think it. I'd never say it

come on, it's pretty obvious if you are interacting normally with your child or making a loud fuss to impress the world on how amazing you are. The world doesn't care and the world would appreciate if you could keep it down.

Hard to believe, but some people enjoy interacting with their kids.

motherloaded

@badacorn

Tapping random strangers on the shoulder and insulting them is a dangerous game. Fingers crossed the next time she does it she picks someone with an explosive temper.

I know! This woman must love to live life on the edge; if she'd tried that trick in my old town half the mums would have had her on the floor in 5 seconds flat.

You sound lovely OP and not like a performance parent at all. The woman was a dick. I hope she's reading this thread. If she is: Hey dick woman, stop accosting strangers in public, you fucking weirdo.

I hate the term performance parenting and suspect that others think I do it. I don't care at all what other people think, that's just how I talk. I talk to 1.5 year old DS all the time about what we can see around us and, gasp, even ask him to repeat words and ask him questions. I tell him the correct names for things in museums ("that's not a leopard darling it's a cheetah, can you say cheetah?" "Look darling it's a meteorite, can you say meee-teee-ooo-ritee? It comes from space and when it hits the atmosphere...")

🤣🤣🤣

He's one and and a half. And why are you pronounced 'meteorite' like that?! Meeteeoooritey?!

Respond loudly and clearly with:
"What's this lady? A massive cunt"

"my nephew has hearing issues and is non-verbal, spare me your fucking unrequired and unnecessarily unpleasant comments thanks"

@SweatyPie

come on, it's pretty obvious if you are interacting normally with your child or making a loud fuss to impress the world on how amazing you are. The world doesn't care and the world would appreciate if you could keep it down.

Hard to believe, but some people enjoy interacting with their kids.

but why do you need an audience?

Some woman said the same to me on a flight, I was with my then 20 month old DS. She was a twat. Ignore.

You can't talk to your kids in public without being accused of performing these days - apparently it's best to just nod or grunt at them occasionally so you aren't overdoing it.
I get really into the excitement of the kids so I'm probably really annoying on days out like this, and I couldn't give a shit. It's a queue line, people can put up with you talking to your nephew for 5 mins, or they can stay at home and be miserable for the rest of their lives.

Most of the time, though, 'performance parenting' is just another stick to beat mothers with I recon.

There's always a new stick to be fashioned isn't there,.

If I'm over enthusiastically pointing things out to me toddler in a queue, it's because I'm trying to avert the inevitable tantrum once his patience runs out. So, in a way, the people standing nearby should probably be grateful if anything...

Have people like this never tried queuing with the 5's and under?

My kids are always telling me I speak too loudly and in fact often ask why I'm shouting
Definitely not performance related, as I genuinely just don't realise.
The woman was a total bitch, by the way. Wonder if she'd have said it to a total hard nut ...

Off topic but perhaps you should have an enunciated to your nephew yes this is what A really annoying adult looks like

She was sadly a Numpty bollocks

I hate the phrase performance parenting. It's utter bullshit and unnecessarily judgemental.*

^I agree. It’s only something I’ve ever heard about on MN. It certainly isn’t something I’ve seen in RL. But then, I don’t take too much interest in what other parents are doing, especially if I don’t know them.

You did nothing wrong, OP, that woman was just incredibly rude. You sound like a lovely auntie.

but why do you need an audience?

People don't need an audience. They speak to their child like that all the time. They can't help it if other people are present in a public place. Are they supposed to only speak to their child when no one else is around?
IMO most "performance parenting" is just slightly over zealous people who genuinely want their child to learn as much as possible and they don't care if anyone's listening or not. I don't really believe there are many parents who ignore their children in private but talk to them in public.

Yes the loud and overly educational chat can be mildly irritating, but so can very many aspects of the behaviour of other people. It's not as bad as swearing in public, talking on the phone in public, badly behaved children, off lead dogs in the park, pavement parking, men with no top on a sunny day, drunk people, people who make rude comments to the parents of disabled children, etc etc.

Those criticising are probably just jealous that their own child would rather watch a screen than talk to their parent about anything interesting

How about replying 'Is it performance parenting when I'm not his parent and he suffers from hearing loss?'

Watch the cow squirm!

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Well, she is right in that performance parenting is annoying, and not knowing the backstory, it would seem to a bystander that is was what you were doing.

But actually leaning over and saying it to you? That's really shitty.

So speaking clearly to a child with communication difficulties is ‘performance parenting’ in your eyes? That’s a tad judgy of you I’d say.

Fucking hate the performance parenting bollocks when it’s trotted out because someone is conversing with their child.

The nursery dad who picked his daughter up at the same time as me last week with progressively more wacky “bits” each day however.... (Day1 - teamed his “branch bank manager suit” with roller skates - for him- hers ready and waiting “let’s go skating in the park Daisy! Daddy came straight from work just to take you skating” etc etc; Day 2- pulled a bloody party tooty-blowy thing out of his pocket and blew it in her face “Daisy! It’s PARTY TIME! Daddy’s got CAKE at home from your FAVOURITE bakery ... I could go on)....

I know it sounds like I’m making it up but I promise I’m not.

Anyway. He’s guilty.

Performance parenting you say? Hmm..well I HAVE seen it, but honestly I was just very impressed..I wish I could have been that good of a parent.