Just got accused of 'performance parenting...'

[itsallaboutschmoo]

DP and I have been out for the day taking our 3 year old nephew to a local attraction for his birthday treat.

For reference we are child free ourselves but often have our nephews for weekends and like to take them on days out when possible. DN just turned 3, is entirely non verbal and currently under investigation for hearing issues.

Queuing for a ride with him I was pointing out a dinosaur statue nearby (to keep his attention on something so he didn't become fussy waiting.) I wasn't being especially loud but I do enunciate clearly when I speak to him to give him the best chance of understanding.

A woman behind us in the queue leaned over and tapped me (hello Covid breach) and said 'could you spare us the performance parenting? It's embarrassing.' I was dumbfounded. Not entirely sure what I did wrong and felt really self conscious for the rest of the day. I am maybe a bit loud when I talk to him and I'm not a parent so I suppose I don't know what's considered normal.

So WIBU and 'performance parenting' or should this woman keep her views to herself?

@Anordinarymum

I loathe those people you see when you are out with your child at some themed activity who shout rather than speak to their child, calling it 'darling', showing off it's talents necessarily to all within hearing distance. I remember seeing parents in the playground showing off like that and wondering why they do it when they are impressing nobody.

I call my kids darling all the time and always have done (they're older now).

If you think I'm calling them Darling to impress you, you're projecting.

HTH.

"loathe" really? I wonder why you allow complete strangers to take up so much room in your head.

@Embracingthechaos

Also, I have never heard of performance parenting. My eldest is almost 2 and very lively. If we are stationary I have to keep pointing at things and talking to her about them and asking her what colour it is, what noise it makes etc, or she will get ants in her pants and start climbing on things and throwing tantrums. I'm sure if I wasn't interacting with my energetic, tantrummy child then people would also be judging me for that.

You can't fucking win, can you?! Is there any acceptable way to parent? Perhaps hiding my children away in the house until they are 18?

LOL. If anything approaches perfect parenting, it would be much closer to the "old fashioned" way. While, IMPO, we have advanced in some ways, most changes are not for the better. PROOF? Just look at the state of kids over the years deteriorate since the 60's.

Sound more like A Karen to me, just has her say because she can

What is your objection to women called Karen?

How many times must we say on MN that it is not acceptable to use Karen as an insult? It is sexist and ageist, so please stop it.

This is sadly what it’s like when you have disabled kids - lots of judgement, eye rolls etc when you’re just trying to engage your kids or keep them calm. His parents are lucky to have you.

I would have felt like saying: “Well I don’t know about ‘performance parenting’ given my nephew’s hearing issues but you’re certainly a performance prick!”

PROOF? Just look at the state of kids over the years deteriorate since the 60's

In what ways have they deteriorated?

If one looks specifically at youth crime: 21,700 children and young people under 18 were convicted of offences in the year from April 2018 to April 2019. (I have not checked more recent statistics, as they could be affected by the pandemic and lockdowns.)

In 1960, 107,000 children and young people were convicted in juvenile courts. It's possible that this isn't a completely valid comparison, as 60 years ago, the courts may have dealt with some issues that would now be handled by other agencies. But even if one looks only at convictions for indictable offences, the figure for 1960 is 57,360.

As I always say: Things ain't what they used to be - and they never were!

@ddl1

PROOF? Just look at the state of kids over the years deteriorate since the 60's

In what ways have they deteriorated?

If one looks specifically at youth crime: 21,700 children and young people under 18 were convicted of offences in the year from April 2018 to April 2019. (I have not checked more recent statistics, as they could be affected by the pandemic and lockdowns.)

In 1960, 107,000 children and young people were convicted in juvenile courts. It's possible that this isn't a completely valid comparison, as 60 years ago, the courts may have dealt with some issues that would now be handled by other agencies. But even if one looks only at convictions for indictable offences, the figure for 1960 is 57,360.

As I always say: Things ain't what they used to be - and they never were!

Just for starters, pot is legal now. But if you look at statistics for drug addiction, kids on medication, diabetes, level of education they AREN'T getting today, depession, suicide rate, MASS SHOOTINGS (just had two today) # of kids on ritalyn, happiness index, optimism about their future, you will find a huge drop off today. I know there are some I missed.

In this instance there was a reason why u were speaking loudly because of your nephews hearing issues. So she was completely in the wrong to assume.

That being said, I did laugh when I read th op because I have seen performance parenting, full blown. However, I would never ever be so rude as to point it out, especially in front of the kids, it's just unnecessary aggro and confrontation. Also, as this op proves, I may be making a wrong assumption!

Im not sure where you got your stats, or if they are national or to a particular state, but Im in Calif. and this is what is presented:

In general, the data show that:

Juvenile arrest rates peaked in 1974, decreased through 1987, and have increased since then.
Juvenile arrest rates for violent crime have exceeded those for adults since 1980, except for three years (1986, 1987, and 1988).
Juvenile arrest rates for homicides were below those for adults until 1989. Since then, the juvenile homicide rate has significantly exceeded the adult rate.

Since 1960, juvenile arrest rate increased about 205 percent. During the same period, the state's juvenile population increased about 162 percent, thereby suggesting that a significant amount of the increase in the juvenile arrest rate can be accounted for by the increase in this age population.
THIS data is supplied by Legaslative Analysts Office, (non partisan).
I dont understand how they can be so stupid though, the one opinion they gave, about suggesting a significant.....IT IS THE RATE THAT INCREASED, when dealing with rates, overall numbers dont matter.

@DADZ

Im not sure where you got your stats, or if they are national or to a particular state, but Im in Calif. and this is what is presented:

In general, the data show that:

Juvenile arrest rates peaked in 1974, decreased through 1987, and have increased since then.
Juvenile arrest rates for violent crime have exceeded those for adults since 1980, except for three years (1986, 1987, and 1988).
Juvenile arrest rates for homicides were below those for adults until 1989. Since then, the juvenile homicide rate has significantly exceeded the adult rate.

Since 1960, juvenile arrest rate increased about 205 percent. During the same period, the state's juvenile population increased about 162 percent, thereby suggesting that a significant amount of the increase in the juvenile arrest rate can be accounted for by the increase in this age population.
THIS data is supplied by Legaslative Analysts Office, (non partisan).
I dont understand how they can be so stupid though, the one opinion they gave, about suggesting a significant.....IT IS THE RATE THAT INCREASED, when dealing with rates, overall numbers dont matter.

This is a UK website. Most discussions are centered around the UK by default.

This example of performance parenting happened to me in the early 2000s. Got into an old mechanical lift in a large store where doors have to be closed manually and saw a young guy coming with a double buggy. Opened doors wide to let him in. He didnt even acknowledge or thank me and treated me like I was the butler and there for his convenience. He had two very young children in the buggy and then proceeded to deliver them a monologue which they were too young to either respond to or understand.

He was standing on the other side of the lift and the buttons were on my side. So I asked him what floor he wanted. He ignored me and continued with his speech in a loud voice. So I pressed for the top floor, which I wanted, and the lift trundled off. Not once did he even acknowledge my presence.

When the lift stopped at my floor I opened the mechanical doors just enough for me to get out and told him "This is floor 6. I asked which one you wanted but you ignored me." Then I walked off and left him to struggle with the doors himself.

Sorry this happened to you OP, what a knob this lady was. I understand you’re hurt by the comment, especially as you were actually being such a fabulous aunt and engaging with your DN. If it helps I would love my sister to be more like you and would be so proud if she helped my son this way. It’s good you didn’t confront her, people like that don’t deserve your positive energy.

@memberofthewedding maybe a knob or alternatively sleep deprived and struggling in a fog with 2 young dc and push chair? Sometimes hard to see the wood for the trees.

Im not sure where you got your stats, or if they are national or to a particular state, but Im in Calif. and this is what is presented:

I'm British, and was giving UK data

Pot has not been legalized here, so this can't explain an apparent reduction in juvenile crime statistics in the UK.

Fortunately, we very rarely have mass shootings in the UK, though knife crime is a problem.

Education, though far from perfect now, was worse for most in the early 60s than now. Most children left school at 15 with no qualifications; very few went to university.

Mental health is probably worse now than a few years ago (greater insecurity even before the pandemic), but I'm not at all sure that it's worse than in the 60s. We just didn't have the diagnoses or treatments then. Suicide rates were at least as high then as now.

Life expectancy is much higher than in the early 60s. and while this applies to all ages, there has been a particularly sharp decline in infant and childhood mortality.

In all this, I'm talking about the UK, and things may be different in the USA in general, or in California in particular.

I realize that this is hijacking the thread a bit- I'm really bringing it up because sometimes people use a supposed increase in children's problems now over the past as a justification for a return to harsh punishment, especially corporal punishment, and/or for a return to strict gender roles for both parents and children.

As regards education, although it's never been great here, most chiler

Sorry about last line; intended to delete it.

maybe a knob or alternatively sleep deprived and struggling in a fog with 2 young dc and push chair?

That could be a partial excuse for telling someone to be quiet; but NOT for accusing them of 'performance parenting'.

@ddl1 that wasn't to the op and was back to the poster who detailed a man in the lift scenario. Possibly reread up thread?

@ddl1 that wasn't to the op and was back to the poster who detailed a man in the lift scenario. Possibly reread up thread?

Sorry; misunderstood.