Just got accused of 'performance parenting...'

[itsallaboutschmoo]

DP and I have been out for the day taking our 3 year old nephew to a local attraction for his birthday treat.

For reference we are child free ourselves but often have our nephews for weekends and like to take them on days out when possible. DN just turned 3, is entirely non verbal and currently under investigation for hearing issues.

Queuing for a ride with him I was pointing out a dinosaur statue nearby (to keep his attention on something so he didn't become fussy waiting.) I wasn't being especially loud but I do enunciate clearly when I speak to him to give him the best chance of understanding.

A woman behind us in the queue leaned over and tapped me (hello Covid breach) and said 'could you spare us the performance parenting? It's embarrassing.' I was dumbfounded. Not entirely sure what I did wrong and felt really self conscious for the rest of the day. I am maybe a bit loud when I talk to him and I'm not a parent so I suppose I don't know what's considered normal.

So WIBU and 'performance parenting' or should this woman keep her views to herself?

Nope

What a dick! She's obviously just a sad and miserable person!

Personally I would rather overhear some performance parenting than some neglectful or abusive parenting.

She was a dick. I dont do this in public but ive been known to use classic fm as a music lesson (to a 6yo: "This is Tchaikovsky. Can we say Tchaikovsky?. Peter illyich Tchaikovsky. He was from Russia. What's this music from? That's right, the Nutcracker ballet") now that would piss her off!

At least you were engaging with your nephew. Many parents just don't :(
She should have thought this was a good thing not a bad thing :(
It's sad how some people just won't talk to their child.

@Fideleauxorigines

This is tabloid speak. People, especially women, are always reported to be "showing off their curves" or "putting on a display" when they are just doing their job, or doing something normal like the shopping or something. "Performance parenting" has become part of the same lexicon. You can't do perfectly ordinary things and live your life without people judging you one way or another.

I wish you had told her your nephew had a hearing disability op. And that she was embarrassing him. She was so unforgivably rude. That comment speaks volumes about the sort of person she is. And what on earth is she teaching her DC?

Such a good point about how women can’t just go about daily business

What a tosspot! I hate people who think they are better than others. Real shame you didn’t have some of these mumsnetter comebacks to hand!

I would have said back to her - don't be a dick not only is he my nephew rather than my son but he has hearing issues. Mind your own business and don't be so quick to judge strangers Mrs busy body!

@donquixotedelamancha

My high school was attached to the school for the dead

Christ that sounds terrifying.

LOL!

Think I would have burst out laughing! The cunts of the world are getting so bold, they don't even try and hide it any more.

What an utter horrorshow! YANBU

@Exhausted4ever

I'm sick of this 'performance parenting' malarkey. Basically if you're talking to your kid about the surroundings you're performance parenting. Of course if you were ignoring your kid you're badly parenting. What's a person to do?!

This!!

Since when has talking to your child about what's going on around them/ what you're doing etc considered an annoying performance? Should we be standing in silence ignoring them instead?

Well I know who'd I'd rather have as my aunt - and it's not the smug cow who thinks it's acceptable to put others down for doing something perfectly reasonable.
'My nephew has a hearing disability so I'd say you just embarrassed yourself' would have been the come back I'd have come up with ten minutes too late.

@donquixotedelamancha

Omg! Hahaha. That's the worst typo I've ever made on here

What an arse hole! Her not you!

Tal45 has the perfect reply. It’s fine to talk clearly to your child anyway but especially when he has hearing problems.

Since when has talking to your child about what's going on around them/ what you're doing etc considered an annoying performance? Should we be standing in silence ignoring them instead?
The 'but it's just interacting, should we all ignore our kids' always comes up on threads like this. It's as predictable as any threads about people boasting is met with cries of 'but, but, are you saying people should never share any nice news'.

Most people can tell the difference between a parent talking to their child about what's going on and the loud, drawn out look at me and my wonderful offspring guff that's done for the 'benefit' of strangers, just like most people can tell the difference between someone being an insufferable brag and someone sharing some nice news. I sometimes wonder if those who can't tell the difference probably do the thing that others find amusing.

That's unusually nasty behaviour. I can't think of one single reason you'd say that to someone, even if you believed it, except in order to spoil their moment and to make them feel bad.

What sort of person does that?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Well, she is right in that performance parenting is annoying, and not knowing the backstory, it would seem to a bystander that is was what you were doing.

But actually leaning over and saying it to you? That's really shitty.

Daring to talk to your child in hearing distance of others is performance parenting?

What sort of person does that?
An obnoxious arsehole who clearly has very little going on.

The OP wasn't even performance parenting, but in my experience the correct response to someone doing it seems to be glancing awkwardly at other people in the vicinity, none of whom care about the child's exceptional taste in sushi or the fact that they must want some artisan sourdough as a snack before they attend their grade 12 Moroccan cello lesson that's taught in Italian. Then everyone shuffles around them, amused at the scene.

You were doing right by your nephew.

The woman is a chavvy idiot with no manners.

@1Morewineplease

Only performance parents would recognise this trait. Ignore completely.

Sadly not only PPs, many of us recognise it, and end up walking oddly because out toes are so curled.

OP unless you were doing tinkly laugh and saying "No, DN it is a honybiffmasauras not a thrombebuffnesauras you silly goose" then she was the idiot not you

In context, you really were not, so I wouldn't worry about it.

It's really rude to ever comment on actual performance parenting, you just roll your eyes inwardly and try to ignore the noise!

Sounds like her parents didn't do too great a job with her.

When people use the term performance parenting it says an awful lot more about them and their parenting than anything else. Sorry you had to put up with that delight today