Just got accused of 'performance parenting...'

[itsallaboutschmoo]

DP and I have been out for the day taking our 3 year old nephew to a local attraction for his birthday treat.

For reference we are child free ourselves but often have our nephews for weekends and like to take them on days out when possible. DN just turned 3, is entirely non verbal and currently under investigation for hearing issues.

Queuing for a ride with him I was pointing out a dinosaur statue nearby (to keep his attention on something so he didn't become fussy waiting.) I wasn't being especially loud but I do enunciate clearly when I speak to him to give him the best chance of understanding.

A woman behind us in the queue leaned over and tapped me (hello Covid breach) and said 'could you spare us the performance parenting? It's embarrassing.' I was dumbfounded. Not entirely sure what I did wrong and felt really self conscious for the rest of the day. I am maybe a bit loud when I talk to him and I'm not a parent so I suppose I don't know what's considered normal.

So WIBU and 'performance parenting' or should this woman keep her views to herself?

@donquixotedelamancha

My high school was attached to the school for the dead

Christ that sounds terrifying.

She's a twat! Don't let her nonsense spoil your day.

what a horrible cow

She seems to have issues....

What you were doing to help entertain your nephews sounds really sweet to me

Wow. How horrible. No doubt she felt monumentally threatened as you engaged with a child whilst she scrolled through Facebook and ignored hers!!

I have to be a bit like that with my DD she has suspected SEN and if we go somewhere where there are a lot of people, I have to keep talking to her to keep her mind focused on other things so she doesn't get overwhelmed and sometimes I have to do it a bit loudly to keep her attention too.
If I had been in your shoes, I would have loudly said it isn't performance parenting he is 3 and deaf, it would have at least make her look like the twat she is to anyone else in the queue and stopped her feeling so smug. I would have also added the whole social distancing thing too.

YANBU

That’s not performance parenting. She’s just being a douche.

I hope you told her the DN is hard of hearing & to mind her own business!!

No you’re not being unreasonable. This has clearly shaken your confidence. My advice is don’t listen to a busy body who is unable to read a situation.

Wow utter dickhead don’t let it get to you!

Apologies that should have said your DN not the DN.

@Boopeedoop

My cousin is dead since birth and she was screamed at and shoved for not answering someone in the supermarket.

She turned around and spoke to him using sign language and he shuffled off embarrassed.

People seem to forget deaf people exist in the world.

Lol as a deaf person I just laughed out loud when I read your ‘my cousin is dead’ autocorrect, it happens to me all the time

Entirely agree that this woman was rude, wrong and not worth another of your thoughts.

Just for entertainment though, here is my best ever observed piece of performance parenting, when waiting for some kind of free story time in a bookshop when DD was about 3. A passing toddler grabbed the biscuit from my DD's hand and shoved it in his own mouth.

I looked over at his mum intending to reassure her it didn't matter, in case she was embarrassed. But instead his mum announced "Don't eat her biscuit darling, it probably isn't organic. Now, can you tell me Mandarin word for biscuit?"

I absolutely snorted with laughter and she looked down her nose at me.

My personal preference on train journeys is for grumpy silent commuter types not happy families

Me too

@MutteringDarkly that’s insane! I would have snorted with laughter too 😂

OP, that woman was a dick and I hope she’s on here and see this thread.

@Sbfksh374

I'm with you. When mine were little I would be very likely to look for the learning opportunities in a museum visit. I wouldn't be doing it to show off to other adults though, I'd be doing it for the same reason I stuck words all over my house when my child was in Reception, to help encourage their learning. Just because a chili's learning doesn't mean they can't be having fun too.

I would have told her to get stuffed. Don’t doubt yourself I think it’s lovely you spend time and effort

OP just wanted to agree with the majority that the lady was being a bit nuts and what you did was fine and not performance parenting (even if child didn't have hearing problems!). As he doesn't speak what you did is even more justified, the advice for slow talkers is to talk to them as much as possible, and talking clearly is obviously a good idea too. The lady was obviously just a grump!

@Exhausted4ever

I'm sick of this 'performance parenting' malarkey. Basically if you're talking to your kid about the surroundings you're performance parenting. Of course if you were ignoring your kid you're badly parenting. What's a person to do?!

No its not, normal talking to your kid is fine. Its the ones that you can hear the other side of the museum or the other end of the train. Ive come across 3 performance parenters and you know them when you hear them. 2 were in cambridge on the same day

Beyond rude this is, I am shocked that this happened to you. I don’t have my own children but do notice that when I have children with me, people seem to interact with me more in public which can be a good and bad thing. Also, this is unrelated but I adopted a dog recently and can’t help but notice all the uninvited comments or advice I get now, similar to what happens to parents I think.

I don’t usually advocate explaining disabilities to complete strangers but it IS a pity you didn’t get the chance to explain - maybe it would make her think twice next time. Sounds like the same dickhead who couldn’t wait to rush over and tell me I ‘don’t look very disabled’ when I pulled into a disabled space in a supermarket. Then stood there expecting me to explain my medical condition to her satisfaction. She was on the passenger side and hadn’t noticed the hoist getting my wheelchair into position and it only dawned on her when, not saying a word, I opened the door and manoeuvred into the chair. Exit one red faced busybody. I would hate to have a hidden disability, life must be so difficult and made more so by the ‘disability police’. I do hope your Nephew is OK but if he is diagnosed with a problem you’re doing exactly the right thing - and next time someone treats you like this, rip them a new one !!

I agree with everyone, what an utter bitch, just why?! It is actually quite an aggressive move to get your attention to tell you their opinion about you, she’s lucky you didn’t react & the whole thing blow up. I imagine there are some people that would have had no qualms in getting in a big argument over this behaviour. I saw a fight between families in a museum once, always wondered what the provocation for that was.

My DS is 4. He is severely developmentally delayed and has autism. It doesn’t help that he’s also very tall so looks more like he’s 6. I get this a lot. Either people smirking at what they perceive as performance parenting, or people tutting about him being naughty as DS has a meltdown. They can all get fucked - I couldn’t care less about their stupid, disablist opinions.

This thread has just reminded me of one day when my baby was quite young and sitting facing me in her portable chair which fitted in my supermarket trolley (there's probably a far more succinct word for this, but it's so long ago I've reached the age of demetia), I was chatting to her in my normal voice, talking about what I was going to buy to make for lunch that day, and discussing the relative merits of brands of sausages or something equally inane. Another mother, with a child about the same age as mine, sidled up to me and asked: "Are you allowed to talk to them in public, then?" (Switzerland, 1995.) Quite the opposite of performance parenting!

Wow what a cow no idea of what your dealing with or anyone else by the sound of it love these kind of people not 😳 brush it off like an annoying fly don’t let it get to you . If you wanted to say anything remind people keep their distance cause you bite 🤭

What an awesome aunt you are. Perform away. 🎭