Just got accused of 'performance parenting...'

[itsallaboutschmoo]

DP and I have been out for the day taking our 3 year old nephew to a local attraction for his birthday treat.

For reference we are child free ourselves but often have our nephews for weekends and like to take them on days out when possible. DN just turned 3, is entirely non verbal and currently under investigation for hearing issues.

Queuing for a ride with him I was pointing out a dinosaur statue nearby (to keep his attention on something so he didn't become fussy waiting.) I wasn't being especially loud but I do enunciate clearly when I speak to him to give him the best chance of understanding.

A woman behind us in the queue leaned over and tapped me (hello Covid breach) and said 'could you spare us the performance parenting? It's embarrassing.' I was dumbfounded. Not entirely sure what I did wrong and felt really self conscious for the rest of the day. I am maybe a bit loud when I talk to him and I'm not a parent so I suppose I don't know what's considered normal.

So WIBU and 'performance parenting' or should this woman keep her views to herself?

Oh I did it too. I didn’t ask strangers on a plane to join in though

She’s a complete bitch - I wish you’d said something to her as she deserved a dressing down.

This trend of accusing others of performance parenting annoys me because it's being used to excuse inactive parenting.

you can repeat that until you are blue in the face it doesn't make it true.

Nowhere has anyone said you couldn't speak and interact with your child, but it's funny that posters insist that it must be it. Why? Nerve touched?

Being comfortable in my own parenting doesn't mean I can't notice the performant parent I am unlucky to meet occasionally.

Randomly meeting the eyes of a stranger thinking the same thing as you do and both laughing because it's so ridiculous does happen, so I am also very confident it's not just me.

I thought we were meant to challenge people's behaviour now? Silence is violence as they say, by keeping quiet you just allow people to continue.

Doing what? Talking to their children?

@skirk64

I am surprised at the number of people saying the woman was wrong for calling the OP out. I thought we were meant to challenge people's behaviour now? Silence is violence as they say, by keeping quiet you just allow people to continue.

Um what exactly was violent about me pointing out a dinosaur to my 3 year old nephew..?

Thanks for all the responses. Such an interesting topic. I will say that as a non parent I wouldn't ever find people interacting with their kids (performatively or otherwise!) annoying. None of my bloody business is it?

And as my own situation yesterday proves- you don't always know the full story.

PS SIL has texted to say that DN slept for 12 hours straight last night (a record for him) so it seems he had a good day even with my 'embarrassing' behaviour

I am surprised at the number of people saying the woman was wrong for calling the OP out. I thought we were meant to challenge people's behaviour now? Silence is violence as they say, by keeping quiet you just allow people to continue

Is this a joke post? Or the wrong thread?

So, now you HAVE to plug your child into a device in order for them to be acceptable on a train?

Not at all. Clearly the better parenting is to engage with your children and keep them entertained and amused throughout the journey.

It's just that, as a bystander, I don't care about how well you parent your children. I like sitting next to the zombie ones watching screens (if I have to sit next to children at all) because they don't make any noise and I can read my book in peace. I realise I'm being unreasonable here, so I wouldn't judge you for laughing and chatting with your kids. I'd probably think, "What a nice family". Then I'd grab my bag to move to another coach to see if there were seats available anywhere else. My personal preference on train journeys is for grumpy silent commuter types not happy families .

The other side of this is no judgement from me for parents who use devices to pacify their children on long trips. I once sat next to a mum and two young children on a transatlantic flight in the middle seats. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when the games and arguing stopped and the ipads came out (luckily one per child - the ideal!). When you're in a hostage-type situation like on a plane and there's no escape for anyone, sometimes good parenting should be sacrificed in favour of survival.

I would certainly have been challenging her behaviour. She'd have wished she'd never been born when I'd finished giving her a dressing down about her comment.

@itsallaboutschmoo. You sound like a lovely aunt. I'm glad your DN had a fun day.

motherloaded
I agree with you. I love seeing families enjoying themselves and even manage to talk to my DC when we are out.

People who conclude that anyone identifying performance parenting must be insecure about their parenting/are jealous of parents who talk to their children/can't stand parents talking to their children make me laugh. Obviously in their eyes they're so wonderful in their interactions that anyone finding a particular behaviour mildly annoying must be left feeling woefully inadequate as a parent and is probably the type of parent who shoves their DC in front of devices all day.

There's a certain defensiveness there that is also seen when people discuss boasting and bragging. When people discuss boasting, there's always posters deliberately missing the point and concluding everyone must be super jealous/bitter/envious and it's a horrible time when people can't even say something positive has happened in their lives.

It wouldn't do to acknowledge that most people have no issue with families talking together.

“Let’s make a deal: how about YOU spare US the performance judging, and let me continue to speak clearly to my deaf nephew, as his parents have asked me to?” Very loudly...
Always use their words and turn them around to call them out! What a bitch...

@poppycat10

She must have been an MNer as I've never heard the expression "performance parenting" anywhere else.

Silly moo.

I hope she is a mner. She'll now know she's a complete bitch, and a stupid one at that. Poor kid and your sil with that happening to them lots.

@skirk64

I am surprised at the number of people saying the woman was wrong for calling the OP out. I thought we were meant to challenge people's behaviour now? Silence is violence as they say, by keeping quiet you just allow people to continue.

Are you the woman in question?

I bet she’s read this and is mortified.

Hope so, anyway. Twat.

@skirk64

I am surprised at the number of people saying the woman was wrong for calling the OP out. I thought we were meant to challenge people's behaviour now? Silence is violence as they say, by keeping quiet you just allow people to continue.

And sometimes you read something like this which makes you really appreciate that some parents do take opportunities to teach their children things, like how to not be a twat for example.

What actually? Not the reply but the comment. Are you actually alive in 2021?

I live in the Me and we again and again sponsor colleagues family in Yeman and Syria I know we shouldn't compare bit you can't imagine the shit others live with

She’d hate me, I’m full on CBeebies Presenter on a day out. I get a bit overexcited.

At home I’m just tired and grumpy.

I would have said 'he's fucking deaf you stupid cow!!!' (whether he is or isn't is not the point or her business). She would then have felt bloody awful and maybe have learnt a lesson.

I would have been very tempted to headbutt the judgemental POS.

I would have explained there and then as loudly as I could that he was hard of hearing. I've had the same with my son who's ASD. I have no issue putting people in their place over it. The look of embarrassment is great to see even better when they are apologetic.

She sounds a cow and I wouldn't let it bother you. Keep doing what you do.

Wow, how very rude! She’s a complete & utter nob. Hope she reads this / gets her comeuppance. You carry on as you are and continue being a lovely Aunt.

@Disfordarkchocolate

It's not 'performance parenting' to engage with a small child. It's normal behaviour and good for their development. Much better than her 'performance small-mindedness'. Enjoy being an Autie and ignore her.

Exactly. It's such an important skill and to shame someone for this probably says a lot more about them.

'Could you spare us the bitchiness and Covid rule breaching? It's embarrassing'

Whilst it is difficult to quickly come back at the time with an answer to people like that, chances are you'd be wasting your breath and do they merit an explanation anyway?
Best ignored although it does really hurt at the time.
Don't ever change what you do for your nephew based on pillocks like that, he's lucky to have a lovely Auntie like you.