Just got accused of 'performance parenting...'

[itsallaboutschmoo]

DP and I have been out for the day taking our 3 year old nephew to a local attraction for his birthday treat.

For reference we are child free ourselves but often have our nephews for weekends and like to take them on days out when possible. DN just turned 3, is entirely non verbal and currently under investigation for hearing issues.

Queuing for a ride with him I was pointing out a dinosaur statue nearby (to keep his attention on something so he didn't become fussy waiting.) I wasn't being especially loud but I do enunciate clearly when I speak to him to give him the best chance of understanding.

A woman behind us in the queue leaned over and tapped me (hello Covid breach) and said 'could you spare us the performance parenting? It's embarrassing.' I was dumbfounded. Not entirely sure what I did wrong and felt really self conscious for the rest of the day. I am maybe a bit loud when I talk to him and I'm not a parent so I suppose I don't know what's considered normal.

So WIBU and 'performance parenting' or should this woman keep her views to herself?

Swift kick up the chuff would be entirely appropriate I feel.

If someone annoys me in a situation like this by what they say to me my response is always to say absolutely nothing, look very hard at them, then start at the feet, move very slowly up to the top and then very slowly back down to their feet, the occasional raise eyebrow, eye popping adds to the effect. It's very very disconcerting when someone doesn't respond to you, passive aggression is always a winner!

@memberofthewedding

Tapping random strangers on the shoulder and insulting them is a dangerous game

I once got into a conversation with some random male at a party. Suddenly he grabbed both of my wrists and held my hands to my sides, saying under his breath "Dont talk with your hands". I pulled one hand free and hit him full in the face with my clenched fist, yelling "Dont speak to me like that you dickhead!"

He was left standing in a circle of shocked onlookers all of whom assumed he had said something dirty to me. A few moments later the host arrived with two big mates, apologized to me and asked him to leave.

Always be prepared to lash back verbally.

A speech therapist did that with my autistic daughter during an initial session. She proceeded to hold her hands down as she asked her questions. Dd hates unwanted touch, she stims & flaps as a coping mechanism.

Needles to say there was no 2nd session.

Never heard of performance parenting before, but it sounds like it’s basically just another name for effective parenting? Or conscientious parenting?! So now we’re supposed to ignore our kids and text our mates instead, or what?

Tbf, I’m sure my parenting is borderline insufferable at times. I’m glad I don’t have to witness it! But I also don’t really give a proverbial flying brown one.

You did nothing wrong at all, obviously. There are just some reet miserable cunts around.

Never heard of performance parenting but it's obviously another wanky current phrase used to make people feel like shit. None of her business and she should kindly take her unwelcome opinions and shove them up her arse!

I agree. She's a total bellend. Do not worry about people like that. You sound like an ace auntie.

Reminds me of a situation I witnessed in a shop. 6 yo child was crawling on floor, not being a problem, whilst parent shopping. Well meaning shop keeper said to child ‘come now you’re big now, you need to be standing up.’ Parent replied politely ‘they can’t walk or talk. The buggy is outside. I can’t get it through the door’ 😬

I speak to my DS that way, as he has speech delay, and his SLT advised me to model very clear language to him. I do wonder if people think it’s performance parenting. But fuck ‘em.

Did you explain he has hearing issues ??
I would have to embarrass her !!!

OK - I'm going to get flayed here but I once pulled someone up over their "performance parenting". I was on the train commute home (remember those?) and I always deliberately choose the Quiet carriage so that I can unwind in peace after a full-on day. There was a father and child sitting opposite me and the father was listening to his child read aloud from a book. Yes, it's lovely that he was doing that, but No, it wasn't lovely that he was doing it in a Quiet carriage. He, in fact, was louder than his child, giving the whole carriage a great performance of what a great dad he was. When they paused for breath I leant over, with a smile, and said what a good reader his child was... and added "Do you think you can get him to read that sign?", pointing to the Quiet carriage sign on the window....

Never heard of performance parenting before, but it sounds like it’s basically just another name for effective parenting? Or conscientious parenting?!

It's really, really not. As evidenced from multiple explanations and examples given on this thread.

Unless you're pretending to be totally unaware of other people in your surroundings and talking in voice louder than a 1000 decibels, it's just parenting. Performance parenting is a whole other level.

And there's a mid ground between sellotaping an iPad to your kids forehead and showing your 4 month old baby French flash cards for grocery produce while walking round the local Tesco. Most people occupy the mid ground at some level.

OP does not have to explain anything to this awful woman. If she was getting annoyed by the so called PP that's entirely her problem and had no business to say anything or tap you fgs.

If it did warrant a reply, which it doesn't, I would say (but I wouldn't of course as wouldn't be prepared).in my dreams I'd say:-
"He's a child, he's my relation, I'm showing him some love and attention, if you have a problem with that I suggest you have some serious issues. Oh and by the way, keep your hands to yourself , thanks"

What a bitch, tell her to f@@@ off

But most of the examples are shit and you have no idea why someone is speaking to their child the way they are “ as evidence from multiple explanations and examples given in this thread” like I posted previously in the park I will talk clearly and louder than I would have spoken to dd to my autistic ds he is 3 and an absolute wizz with numbers and letter but have absolutely no back and forth conversation so I go through the things he enjoys I also point out what we can see and hear “I see a tree “ “I hear a bird” you’re over hearing people parenting their own children and thinking it’s about you and so are other bitter nobs. You are judging with absolutely no idea of someone else’s circumstances.

Jesus bloody hell. So now society has provided us a derogatory term for talking to our kids about the world around them. No wonder so many people have mental health issues, anxiety or, like myself, want to tell people more and more to f the F off. Yep, I clearly ‘performance parent’ all the time the. (Didn’t know this) and I now I do know, I couldn’t care less- I’m not talking to those around me when I’m speaking to my children, I’m speaking to my children, which I plan to do because they are bright little sponges of information and that are doing pretty dam well with me helping them to understand and see stuff

Gosh this has wound me right up! Lol

And there's a mid ground between sellotaping an iPad to your kids forehead and showing your 4 month old baby French flash cards for grocery produce while walking round the local Tesco. Most people occupy the mid ground at some level
This made me laugh. You're right.

Of course knowing this difference means I must never speak to my DC in public and feel insecure in comparison to the astoundingly awesome parents on this thread who deny performance parenting exists, whilst proudly declaring that they must be the sort of awesome parents whose brilliance in day to day educational interactions puts the rest of us to shame.

@itsallaboutschmoo

If the hearing tests are not conclusive, do check him for ASD. My son was exactly the same and he has now been diagnosed (privately) as being on the spectrum and early intervention yields better results.

As for the sanctimonious cow, I totally get why you were seething, I would too. I have a tendency to speak my mind and I would have taught her a lesson as to why it’s best to say nothing when you don’t know the facts. Sadly, I’ve had to do so on a couple of occasions precisely because of my son’s ASD diagnosis. It hurts deeply.

@Jazzy1814
Totally, I’ve just posted something very similar. It hurts deeply that parents who are just making exciting interactions with their children can be offended like this. I would have challenged her there and then and made sure she would learn a lesson. I would have asked her to apologise actually.
Imagine being so petty that you would really try and ruin someone’s day....

@Jazzy1814

But most of the examples are shit and you have no idea why someone is speaking to their child the way they are “ as evidence from multiple explanations and examples given in this thread” like I posted previously in the park I will talk clearly and louder than I would have spoken to dd to my autistic ds he is 3 and an absolute wizz with numbers and letter but have absolutely no back and forth conversation so I go through the things he enjoys I also point out what we can see and hear “I see a tree “ “I hear a bird” you’re over hearing people parenting their own children and thinking it’s about you and so are other bitter nobs. You are judging with absolutely no idea of someone else’s circumstances.

If you're in the park, I wouldn't give a shit if you were shouting it through a megaphone. If you were doing it on the 'Quiet' carriage of a train, I might have a different opinion.

FWIW, what you've described is not, imo, performance parenting. That's just normal parent/child interaction, as was the description in the OP. If you can't understand the difference, I'd venture to guess you've never seen it in the wild.

God this would have crushed me, what an unnecessary bitch. I agree with pp, misery loves company. She’s obviously deeply unhappy. Your nephew is lucky to have such a loving aunt and uncle. Pay her no more mind.

What a rude bitch. That's not performance parenting. I'd say something like that to my kids all the time. The t-Rex example was exactly it 🤣🥴
I'd have loved to have seen her face if you'd explained why you need to use a loud voice. Agree with pp how sad it is that your SiL gets dirty looks all the time. She will be a Mumsnetter if she used that term I'd bet. Hopefully the vicious cow reads all the replies about what an arse she's been.

I had an experience a few years ago. My son is deaf and autistic and doesn't always realise how much noise he makes. A bloke got on the tube and sat opposite us. He decided ds was making too much noise so kicked him on the foot and told him to be quiet.. Ds was terrified and started making his anxious noise which is akin to an air raid siren...
By the time I'd finished ripping into the man who I realised was drunk he was very quiet as was the entire carriage!!

What an awful person. You sound like an amazing aunt and I'm really sorry you were next to someone so judgy and rude today. I would have said "not that it's any of you business, but he has a hearing impairment" just to make sure she felt like the asshole she is.

I have a hearing impaired son, and I think it's amazing you are using deaf-friendly communication habits with your nephew. Carry on being an awesome auntie and to hell with the haters!

Apart from all else: even if someone is inconsiderately loud, this is not necessarily because they wish to show off or prove that they or their children are 'amazing'. Sometimes they are just loud, and perhaps unaware.

It is not appropriate to complain about people's loud conversations with children in a theme park: that is an outdoor place for children to enjoy themselves, and unless they're positively screaming, you should not expect quiet. If you find the noise intolerable, you should not go to a theme park. I realize that part of the problem may be that current restrictions mean that there are fewer alternatives for an outing than usual, and that silence-lovers may have to be outdoors, often in the presence of people using their 'outdoor voices'.

There are places, such as a library or a quiet carriage, where one might have more reason to object to any sort of loud conversation - though the possibility of someone having special needs always has to be considered. But even there: 'You are becoming a bit loud - could you please keep it down?' might sometimes be acceptable. 'Spare us the performance parenting' is NEVER acceptable!

What a vile rude horrible woman - ignore her and forget the nonsense she was spouting