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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just got accused of 'performance parenting...'

419 replies

itsallaboutschmoo · 05/05/2021 16:53

DP and I have been out for the day taking our 3 year old nephew to a local attraction for his birthday treat.

For reference we are child free ourselves but often have our nephews for weekends and like to take them on days out when possible. DN just turned 3, is entirely non verbal and currently under investigation for hearing issues.

Queuing for a ride with him I was pointing out a dinosaur statue nearby (to keep his attention on something so he didn't become fussy waiting.) I wasn't being especially loud but I do enunciate clearly when I speak to him to give him the best chance of understanding.

A woman behind us in the queue leaned over and tapped me (hello Covid breach) and said 'could you spare us the performance parenting? It's embarrassing.' I was dumbfounded. Not entirely sure what I did wrong and felt really self conscious for the rest of the day. I am maybe a bit loud when I talk to him and I'm not a parent so I suppose I don't know what's considered normal.

So WIBU and 'performance parenting' or should this woman keep her views to herself?

OP posts:
Anneeone · 06/05/2021 18:23

What a rude piece of work she is.

Someonetookmyname · 06/05/2021 18:25

YANBU - she was rude and nasty.

Even if you were being a bit loud who cares - who made her the bloody parenting police

RosieLeaLovesTea · 06/05/2021 18:29

I can’t believe someone would actually do/say that. What a cow! Ignore!

Weareallvirgins · 06/05/2021 18:32

What a nasty bitch. Probably has a miserable home life and a husband with a acorn 🤣 I would of totallyembarresed her and asked her to enlighten mne on performance parenting

nevernotstruggling · 06/05/2021 18:36

Need to find my bollocks in situations like that...

I agree and also I'm stealing this expression.

mogsrus · 06/05/2021 18:36

Bet when her phone rings,you'll be able to hear the conversation. Honestly some people really are obnoxious

Ilovewolfblass · 06/05/2021 18:39

I’d have rolled my eyes at you (on the DL), bit my tongue and just avoided you

MrsGrumpyKnickers · 06/05/2021 18:40

Sounds to me like she needs to wind her neck in! How rude!

gottogonow · 06/05/2021 18:47

As someone who wasn’t diagnosed as deaf until I was at school, I delighted in anyones company who would speak loudly and clearly. I would hear mumbles all day and then in your case suddenly get some information and it was enthralling. Also with the stimulation of being able to hear something I would be really tired afterwards. Thank goodness for people like you.

UpTheJunktion · 06/05/2021 18:51

Never underestimate the stupidity of the public, or their assumed god-given right to impose it on you.
(I say this as the parent of a child with a disability).

Just this once, I wish the DM would pick this up and publish it and send it viral, to better increase the chances of that woman seeing this thread.

To some extent I guess we all react to any parenting different from our own, or that arises from a bad day / tricky moment. Even if we just 'clock' it. She was utterly obnoxious anyway, but this thread is a fantastic example as to why people should keep their obnoxiousness under control.

Jojooldham · 06/05/2021 18:54

She sounds like a total dick!

MrsMiddleMother · 06/05/2021 18:58

Wow she was an absolute dick!
Also never heard of performance parenting anywhere other than this forum and honestly, as long as they're not verbally or physically abusing their child I couldn't care less how someone parents. Think others should care less too..

Tillyfloss1 · 06/05/2021 19:07

You sound like a lovely Aunty and she sounds like a horrible cow x

AgathaAllAlong · 06/05/2021 19:09

@BrumBoo

Better not, sounds like the two of us combined would have half of MN rolling their eyes so fast they'd do permanent damage Grin

I don't think it's performance parenting because it's not a performance! I'm just telling him the name of what he's looking at, I do the same at home and when there's no one about. It's not because I want him to be saying things correctly, although of course with everyday words that's part of it, but it's just to keep talking to him and get him to hear new words and sounds. We both enjoy communicating with each other and there's only so much communication you can have when they're still learning to talk, pointing out things and naming them is a good way of doing it.

Reading these replies, though, it seems that volume matters. I'm not super loud so maybe I'm only mildly excruciating to overhear.

@AndreaMarteau you're totally right, got carried away with all those 'e's! I say 'meteorite' like a normal person (and now, so does DS Grin).

Bimblybomeyelash · 06/05/2021 19:10

I shitting hate the term ‘performance parenting’. Throwing around snide terms like that is the nasty side of mumsnet.

Loulablake · 06/05/2021 19:20

Next time you come across someone that vile....tell them that your nephew is deaf even exaggerate a little and then watch her squirm and tell her what a wonderful example she’s setting.

Anitarest · 06/05/2021 19:20

Rude to comment whatever she thought. She had no idea your nephew had problems, but that’s not an excuse.
I’d never heard of performance parenting, but I can think of a few I’ve seen doing it if it means showing off their own extensive knowledge of something in a loud voice. I’m one of the eye-rollers when I see it. Commenting aloud makes me as bad as them.

musingloud · 06/05/2021 19:28

I’d never heard of performance parenting, but I can think of a few I’ve seen doing it if it means showing off their own extensive knowledge of something in a loud voice

Interacting with their children in public, eh? Bastards. Bet they do it at home too. Probably paedos.

TinselTinsel · 06/05/2021 19:30

I do wish you had told the silly cow that there is a possible hearing issue , just as loudly as you were speaking to your little nephew so that she not only felt like the dick she was but also so that others knew she was too!

AndromedaGal · 06/05/2021 19:30

Oh just put it down to her being a complete fuckwit & don’t let it trouble you anymore. You sound like a great Auntie.

Wanderlust20 · 06/05/2021 19:35

FFS, can't believe educating your kids
/nieces and nephews and pointing out your surroundings is now dubbed a feckin performance! I naturally do this with kids to interact with them, didn't realise people thought you were showing off Hmm

Yeah, YANBU, what a dick!

Anitarest · 06/05/2021 19:36

Wow musingloud. You’ve had a wealth of unusual experience. I never knew a loud voice means you’re probably a Pædo.

TheKeatingFive · 06/05/2021 19:40

We all realise that some people have naturally louder voices than others, right?

Pinklemonade1 · 06/05/2021 19:40

I really hope she reads this and knows it's about her. Unbelievably rude!!

Mum2b43 · 06/05/2021 19:43

I work in a nursery and this is how we talk to some children. Some children need loud careful pronunciation. She is a dick. Try to learn to be strong in these situations.

I would have loudly told my DH that some people don’t understand that you are looking after a nephew with a hearing impairment.

Or possibly have straight out said to her “he has a hearing impairment” .... technically she was actually being offensive towards parents of hearing impaired children

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