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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have a gender reveal celebration incase DSS kicks off?

156 replies

WoohooCharityShops · 05/05/2021 14:10

I'm pregnant with what is affectionately known as our 'rainbow' baby, the pregnancy began as twins but we lost one early on. I now have to have extra monitoring and I'm under consultant led care as something was picked up during tests which means surviving baby is at an increased risk. With all that in mind, I'm having an anxious pregnancy and I don't care what sex it is so long as it's healthy.

Once we find out the gender next week OH wants to do a gender reveal celebration for the children (ours and his) in the garden with balloons, a colour cannon etc so he can film it to look back on in the future.

The idea is sweet if a bit cringe but I don't want to do it, reason being I just know DSS2 is going to be overtly negative if the baby isn't his preferred sex. He has made his preference clear and said he wouldn't be happy unless it was that. DSS2 expresses his disappointment disproportionately to some as he has some additional needs. Gender disappointment risks a meltdown, basically.

Sadly and selfishly I don't think I would deal with that very well on the day, with everything I've gone through with the pregnancy so far and the uncertainty ahead - I just don't have the emotional bandwidth to deal his potential disappointment leading to a meltdown and spoiling the day.

OH was excited to do it as hes never done something like this before, it will be the last baby for the both of us, but I just don't want to for the above reason.

AIBU?

disclaimer - we all love DSS2 very much so let's not make this a step parent bashing thread please

OP posts:
brokengate · 05/05/2021 14:12

Well I, not one for big reveals myself. But, I think I would consider telling them at some stage so there is time to process it before baby arrives. Surely a meltdown when baby actually here is very difficult to cope with as well?

Unanananana · 05/05/2021 14:14

Sorry for your loss, and I wish you all well for the future with your wee bundle.

Your DPs idea of a gender sex reveal sounds godawful. You should be resting as much as possible with a high risk pregnancy surely and not getting too stressed? If your DSS is going to kick off then it'd be a flat no. If I were you, I wouldn't even entertain it.

delilahbucket · 05/05/2021 14:14

If there is going to be a meltdown regardless I'd rather have it before the baby arrives and if it's part of a party with nice things going on, you may find there's a positive spin. How old is dss?

KingdomScrolls · 05/05/2021 14:14

Firstly the words sex and gender are not interchangeable. Secondly by making a big deal about what the sex of the baby is you are implying to your stepchildren that it matters. Also let's be honest the filming is for social media not posterity.

LolaSmiles · 05/05/2021 14:14

If you don't want to do a reveal then don't do one. If you do want to one but it's purely DSS reaction that worries you then, assuming he is NT and of primary age or higher, your DP needs to step in an tell his child that if he has nothing nice to say then he says nothing.

ChristmasAlone · 05/05/2021 14:15

The very idea of a gender reveal party is unreasonable in my book

Lamentations · 05/05/2021 14:15

Don't do it because it's cringe, as you say.

TheGoogleMum · 05/05/2021 14:18

Maybe don't do the reveal party, it makes the sex a big deal which could be bad for DSS. If anything I would advise playing it down, it doesn't matter (if he wants a boy than point out how girls can be tomboys for example). DSS could do with knowing so he has time to get used to the idea though I think

SoMuchForSummerLove · 05/05/2021 14:18

If he's going to struggle with it, it might be better to deal with it now than on the day the baby is born?

Hilda40 · 05/05/2021 14:18

BalloonsHmm

SnackSizeRaisin · 05/05/2021 14:19

Yanbu. Best option would be to tell DSS quietly well in advance so he can deal with his feelings away from the scrutiny of others. However unjustified his feelings, it's a mean thing to do to put someone on the spot in front of others and present them with news that they are expected to celebrate, when you know they will feel bad about the news. Plus of course it will cause problems for you as well.

Soubriquet · 05/05/2021 14:19

I would gently tell DSS in case it isn’t the sex he wanted

That way he has time to prepare himself. The last thing you need just after you’ve given birth, is a meltdown because the baby is a girl (I’m guessing) and not a boy like he wanted

I wouldn’t do a party though

Aprilshowersandhail · 05/05/2021 14:24

Leave the entire thing to dh to deal with. The planning and dealing with his ds. Ultimately you will be the Bad Guy to prevent dh celebrating in his own way. Putting dss and his dramatics before dh's wishes is a bad idea... Let him sort it all.
You enjoy the day!!

GroggyLegs · 05/05/2021 14:24

making a big deal about what the sex of the baby is you are implying to your stepchildren that it matters.

This.

His sibling will be a little individual with their own opinions & interests - it's personality that matters, not sex.

laserfocus · 05/05/2021 14:24

I don't like gender reveal parties at all, I find them crass and vulgar. The stereotyping of pink for a girl and blue for a boy is ancient history. Embarrassing and grabby.
This is a good excuse not to have one.

SnackSizeRaisin · 05/05/2021 14:25

Given it's a high risk pregnancy and you have other children, I would be inclined to minimise the celebrating until the baby is safely born. I also agree with a pp that implying that the sex of the baby actually matters is probably a really bad idea when there are young children involved. I would write the whole thing off as a terrible idea. Have a party once it's born instead. Then you will be able to have a drink!

Original poster
WoohooCharityShops · 05/05/2021 14:26

Before OH came up with the idea of doing the little party the plan was to just tell the children casually, making no fuss about it.

My worry was by making it a big event with a lead up, that increases the risk of DSS getting upset/having a meltdown.

He's 9 and not NT. He doesn't have a diagnosis but is on the pathway for an ASD assessment.

Noted about gender and sex not being interchangeable, thanks for that!

Also no the video wasn't for social media, DH doesn't have it and I don't post anything about pregnancy or the children on mine.

OP posts:
EvilOnion · 05/05/2021 14:26

How old is the DSS2?

If your husband really must go ahead with making a big reveal then I'd suggest that it would be worth doing whilst DSS2 isn't there if he wouldn't be too upset about being excluded.

Tbh though that could cause issues in itself so ideally is drop the whole idea. It's a big deal for the lad for whatever reason so I think you need to discuss it with him privately and let him process it in his own way/time.

Lweji · 05/05/2021 14:27

I agree with you that a sex reveal party is cringe and I wouldn't do it.
But not because of DSS. Knowing in advance what the sex is and seeing how other people react may change his attitude a bit.
So, if you and your OH want to have the party, go for it regardless.

Or... find out in advance and then decide if you want to present it to the children. Wink

Dozer · 05/05/2021 14:27

Yeah, your partner hasn’t thought it through, bad idea!

swimlittlefishy · 05/05/2021 14:30

You shouldn't have one because they are tacky and awful and you mean sex not gender anyway.
You doubly shouldn't have one knowing that it will upset a vulnerable child with additional needs.

LIZS · 05/05/2021 14:32

Sounds completely unnecessary.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 05/05/2021 14:32

I'm guessing he wants a brother? Just do the reveal you cant pander to children like that.

2bazookas · 05/05/2021 14:33

Don't take DH to the scan and don't tell him the gender. Problem solved.

Duoduofun · 05/05/2021 14:33

It sounds like it's quite early on in the pregnancy, and you're high risk so anything can still happen. I think it's right to tell the children the sex, but a casual discussion would be much better, takes the pressure off everyone. Presumably you've told them you're pregnant, I think it's odd to make a big fuss again at this stage of pregnancy simply over what sex it's going to be. It's not like it's either of your first baby