To not want to have a gender reveal celebration incase DSS kicks off?

[WoohooCharityShops]

I'm pregnant with what is affectionately known as our 'rainbow' baby, the pregnancy began as twins but we lost one early on. I now have to have extra monitoring and I'm under consultant led care as something was picked up during tests which means surviving baby is at an increased risk. With all that in mind, I'm having an anxious pregnancy and I don't care what sex it is so long as it's healthy.

Once we find out the gender next week OH wants to do a gender reveal celebration for the children (ours and his) in the garden with balloons, a colour cannon etc so he can film it to look back on in the future.

The idea is sweet if a bit cringe but I don't want to do it, reason being I just know DSS2 is going to be overtly negative if the baby isn't his preferred sex. He has made his preference clear and said he wouldn't be happy unless it was that. DSS2 expresses his disappointment disproportionately to some as he has some additional needs. Gender disappointment risks a meltdown, basically.

Sadly and selfishly I don't think I would deal with that very well on the day, with everything I've gone through with the pregnancy so far and the uncertainty ahead - I just don't have the emotional bandwidth to deal his potential disappointment leading to a meltdown and spoiling the day.

OH was excited to do it as hes never done something like this before, it will be the last baby for the both of us, but I just don't want to for the above reason.

AIBU?

disclaimer - we all love DSS2 very much so let's not make this a step parent bashing thread please

Given the SEN aspect, I would find our and explain to DSS, that gives him time to meltdown / embrace the news and deal with it in his own way.

GR parties make my shrivel up with cringe.

Some quite harsh replies here considering DSS is probably autistic.

My children have autism and if one of them had expressed noticeable issues around the sex of the baby then I’d most definitely avoid making a big deal out of it, I’d want them to know and to be prepared and would explain it’s a 50/50 chance that no one can control.
If you know he won’t cope then don’t do it, it’s not fair to put him through unnecessary stress and anxiety which could lead to a meltdown.

It’s just a bit of fun and it will make your DH happy, so why not? OP don’t worry too much about DSS - he’ll get over it. Just go with the flow.

I'd do it before baby arrives also & let any disappointment assimilate in the intrrvening weeks/months. Also, it won't be attractive to catch sulks or strops on tape which will also be recorded for posterity...so a reminder about before the big reveal might serve to mute DSS somewhat. Also I wouldn't let a petty irrationality spoil your celebration of the baby....sometimes it is just time to get over it (DSS). If he is badly behaved on the day then let his father deal with him.

DSS is likely autistic yes, no formal diagnosis yet but that's largely down to the waiting lists in our area. The term aspergers isn't used very often now but that is the profile under which he fits.

Having had a very difficult and stressful pregnancy myself, I can totally understand why you don;t want to do this. (I mean I wouldn't want to do it under any circumstances, it sounds awful - but given your particular circs. it is just going to make more stress for you).

And regarding your DSS - I think it will put him under more stress, whether the baby is his preferred sex or not - he'll be being expected to react in a certain way and that will be difficult for him.
The baby is going to be a forever person in your stepchildren's lives, and it's important that the little boy with extra needs is given the information about these in the best way for him to handle it, get used to the idea and ask any questions he may have before the baby arrives.

What are relations like with DSS's Mum ? - Would it be a good idea to chat to her about the best way to talk to him about the baby? Or to let her tell him the sex maybe ?

YANBU, for both cringe and potential meltdown reasons.

I'm not a big fan of this trend of photographing/filming your children's reactions to things. It's all over social media - whether it's opening presents, surprise visits from relatives etc, it all seems a bit crass and invasive.

I know you say your DH isn't going to share it on social media but something about filming a child's emotional response to something like that just seems a bit off.

@KingdomScrolls

Firstly the words sex and gender are not interchangeable. Secondly by making a big deal about what the sex of the baby is you are implying to your stepchildren that it matters. Also let's be honest the filming is for social media not posterity.

There's always bloody one.

Just ask not to be told the sex of your baby, then you won't have a problem.

Will you find out before the party?

Do you need to have the baby's sex determined?

Just don't do it.

As the sonographer not to tell you at the beginning of he appointment.

If I was having an anxious pregnancy, I wouldn't want any celebrations happening until the baby arrived. I'm not saying that's logical and I'm sure your LO is being well cared for and will arrive safely, OP.

But to be honest, that's how I felt even with my straightforward pregnancies. Back when I was pregnant in the mid 80s, people bought very little until the baby arrived safely. The change in consumer habits around pregnancy and babies still freaks me out a little!

So in your case, I'd be tempted to put that to your OH. You've been through a lot, you're having extra monitoring, "let's save the celebrations until s/he arrives".

@Hadalifeonce it’s important for many children on the spectrum to be told about things in advance, especially if it’s something that causes them stress and anxiety.
If they tell DSS it gives him time to come to terms with it. It may seem irrational and silly to some but to him it’s a big deal and they may need to use methods like a social story or comic book strip to help him process the information.

Relations are fine between us and DSS mum, I haven't spoken to her about revealing the sex but I'm pretty sure she'd take my side on this one.

OH is well intended but I think his excitement is clouding his vision, he clearly believes that just because we will be happy whatever the sex then the children will too.

Eldest DSS has no preference, our boy wants a girl and our girl wants a boy - but neither of them would be genuinely upset or stressed if it's not the sex they prefer, whereas DSS would be.

@WoohooCharityShops if you decide against the party and are unsure how to tell DSS your DH could get in touch with The National Autistic Society, they’ve been really helpful to me over the years and can recommend books or methods to use that make it easier to explain and easier for the child to process.

If your DSS feels like this, why the hell would his father even by THINKING of making such a massive deal of the sex?! Surely that's the worst thing you could do - even if its' what he prefers. It only cements his very potentially unhelpful idea that the sex REALLY MATTERS - ie even if it's a boy he's going to be validated in cockcrowing about it which is presumably hardly what your DD needs to hear?

And yes, it's completely cringeworthy - naff as hell.

Find out the sex of your baby for yourselves then decide how best you can downplay it for your DSS, because he very much needs that to happen.

Could dss and you find out first and then you both do the “reveal” for the other kids and dh? Surprise and high emotion are not autism friendly, tell him first.

I think tell your OH you think it's a bad idea because of how DSS may react etc but if he really wants to do it, let him but be no part of it. You'll already know the gender, just stay inside and let them crack on

I don't think I'd be having one if you don't want to do it anyway but I think the cop out is that you and DH will know the sex first and you know DSS's preference. So you'll be able to decide whether the party is a good idea (although if he's ND then he potentially will have issues around it anyway, but obviously you guys know him best) or if it's a non-starter. That way either your DH will have to shelve his idea for an event that you're not keen on, or you'll end up going along with it knowing that at least DSS is going to be pleased. Although depends how he will be in the run up to the reveal, if his anxiety is likely to spoilt it for him before he even finds out that's another good reason to bin it off.

I'd just be saying a flat no to it if it were me, but it's not, and life is never simple.

We just encouraged our children to think that the baby would probably not like it if they thought we had had any preferences about how they looked or what they liked playing with etc. That includes whether they’re a boy or a girl. Worked so well that they repeated this to the bloody annoying adults (or which there were many!!!!!) who kept saying to me in front of the my 2 gorgeous girls how wonderful it was to expecting a boy after 2 girls!! FFS!!

Just do it. Why should the day be spoiled by a stroppy kid. Get your DH to warn him beforehand. But if you are really not keen well then dont.

the horror of these 'gender reveals' is that they DO make a big deal of the baby's genitalia as if those determine its entire future. It may play football. It may hate football. It may like pink. It may hate pink. None of this shit matters, it is 2021 and you are presumably in Europe.

As this nonsense will actually upset an existing child, even more reason not to do it.

show your foolish partner the video of some stupid sod shooting the cannon into his own genitalia.

Don’t bother with the party, but it is important to discuss the gender of the baby with DSS before birth so he has time to adjust. Use a social story, book or photos from the scan and if not the desired sex explain its down to chance and not something that can be chosen.
It will be harder to deal with after the baby’s birth, you need to make that time as positive as possible for him.