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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have a gender reveal celebration incase DSS kicks off?

156 replies

WoohooCharityShops · 05/05/2021 14:10

I'm pregnant with what is affectionately known as our 'rainbow' baby, the pregnancy began as twins but we lost one early on. I now have to have extra monitoring and I'm under consultant led care as something was picked up during tests which means surviving baby is at an increased risk. With all that in mind, I'm having an anxious pregnancy and I don't care what sex it is so long as it's healthy.

Once we find out the gender next week OH wants to do a gender reveal celebration for the children (ours and his) in the garden with balloons, a colour cannon etc so he can film it to look back on in the future.

The idea is sweet if a bit cringe but I don't want to do it, reason being I just know DSS2 is going to be overtly negative if the baby isn't his preferred sex. He has made his preference clear and said he wouldn't be happy unless it was that. DSS2 expresses his disappointment disproportionately to some as he has some additional needs. Gender disappointment risks a meltdown, basically.

Sadly and selfishly I don't think I would deal with that very well on the day, with everything I've gone through with the pregnancy so far and the uncertainty ahead - I just don't have the emotional bandwidth to deal his potential disappointment leading to a meltdown and spoiling the day.

OH was excited to do it as hes never done something like this before, it will be the last baby for the both of us, but I just don't want to for the above reason.

AIBU?

disclaimer - we all love DSS2 very much so let's not make this a step parent bashing thread please

OP posts:
AliceMcK · 05/05/2021 17:03

The whole GRP isn’t something my DH and I are into, but, if we were to have another I’d say we’d probably do one for our other DCs as they would love it. I don’t think there is anything wrong about capturing it for them and the new baby to look back on.

Your going to know the sex before the party so you will know there is going to be a meltdown in advance. If there is just say to your DP that when it happens he removes DSS from the situation straight away, no exceptions as you can’t cope with a meltdown right now and you are not going to ruin it for the other DCs. If he’s not willing to do that, no party or walk away yourself taking the other DCs with you.

To be honest, I’d be more concerned of how DSS is going to be with the new baby if he dosnt get the sibling he wants. Will the baby be safe?

Heartofglass12345 · 05/05/2021 17:10

My son is autistic and I wouldn't put him in that situation, especially in front of family. It's not fair on him, he can't control his meltdowns.
I do think you should tell him before the baby is born though to help him prepare.
Has he said why he would prefer a certain sex?

funinthesun19 · 05/05/2021 17:14

Well seeing as DSS has suspected autism, I think it is better to tell him quietly and gently rather than take him by surprise with a big reveal if you think it will upset him. I have a DS with autism and if I know something will cause him distress then I won’t do it.

If your DSS was NT I would say still do it as he would just need to get over it.

Original poster
WoohooCharityShops · 05/05/2021 17:14

Thank you for all the replies, I'm pleased people can see where I'm coming from in thinking it's a bad idea.

DSS2 would like another brother because he thinks girls are less fun and he has less in common with them. I realise it's a very flawed POV as even if the baby is a girl she may share many of his interests later on, but to him at the moment as a 9 year old boy, girls = boring / no fun / not something he wants another of.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 05/05/2021 17:15

Your DP needs to consider his son's needs before his own wishes.

BlackDaffodil · 05/05/2021 17:17

I honestly think you need to focus on your health your stress levels your physical and mental wellbeing.

You've already suffered a loss.

Park everything else. Flowers

Original poster
WoohooCharityShops · 05/05/2021 17:21

Before I posted I questioned whether or not to mention the fact I'd struggle personally with his negative response as I thought some might judge me as immature / needing a thicker skin.

The truth is I think I'd be quite sad if anybody said anything negative about the baby, given everything we (and it) have gone through so far. I feel extremely lucky to have got to the stage where I'm at and consider every passing week a blessing really.

OP posts:
Original poster
WoohooCharityShops · 05/05/2021 17:24

Thanks ladies, there won't be a reveal party I'm going to put my foot down. A baby shower a little later on with no focus on the sex is something I'd be much happier with Smile

OH can tell the boys the sex before they come here next week, I'll suggest he does that individually so he can talk things through with DSS2 if he reacts badly.

OP posts:
ElphabaTWitch · 05/05/2021 17:26

Leave them to it and go somewhere else
For the afternoon. X

Warrickdaviesasplates · 05/05/2021 17:48

@WoohooCharityShops

Thanks ladies, there won't be a reveal party I'm going to put my foot down. A baby shower a little later on with no focus on the sex is something I'd be much happier with Smile

OH can tell the boys the sex before they come here next week, I'll suggest he does that individually so he can talk things through with DSS2 if he reacts badly.

That sounds like a great idea. Dh can still have his celebration but without the worry for you of negativity and stress. You might be able to sit back, relax and enjoy the party.
BlackDaffodil · 05/05/2021 17:57

Good for you OP, prioritise your health. Flowers

aSofaNearYou · 05/05/2021 18:00

@WoohooCharityShops

Before I posted I questioned whether or not to mention the fact I'd struggle personally with his negative response as I thought some might judge me as immature / needing a thicker skin.

The truth is I think I'd be quite sad if anybody said anything negative about the baby, given everything we (and it) have gone through so far. I feel extremely lucky to have got to the stage where I'm at and consider every passing week a blessing really.

I really think your DH needs to be more understanding of this, and he really shouldn't need to consider whether it would be cruel to his son to get that 🙄 His child is likely to make this really unpleasant for you, plain and simple. He needs to get that.

Good for you for saying no!

Darkstar4855 · 05/05/2021 18:25

I think your new plan is better and kinder for your stepson.

1Morewineplease · 05/05/2021 18:55

Just don't do a reveal party. There is absolutely no need of them and are a bit cringey to have, anyway. However, that is purely my opinion.

1Morewineplease · 05/05/2021 19:07

@SnackSizeRaisin

Given it's a high risk pregnancy and you have other children, I would be inclined to minimise the celebrating until the baby is safely born. I also agree with a pp that implying that the sex of the baby actually matters is probably a really bad idea when there are young children involved. I would write the whole thing off as a terrible idea. Have a party once it's born instead. Then you will be able to have a drink!
I'm inclined to agree with you.

Given that the current social climate is against gender/sex stereotyping , it seems retrograde to have a gender/sex reveal party.

Stereotyping before the child has even been born.

BlackDaffodil · 05/05/2021 19:20

OP has decided AGAINST the reveal ...

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2021 19:35

I think you sound like a lovely mum and lovely step mum OP Thanks

jamiejamiejamie · 05/05/2021 19:45

I have two sons both asd, the chance of a meltdown is high sensory overload etc. He needs to be prepared first if you do indeed have a party. I personally wouldn't as I know how my boys could react with asd you're always looking for potential triggers we've had similar unexpected events and had to deal with meltdowns in front of not very understanding people and I often think remove the potential trigger if possible.

Very best of luck.Thanks

jamiejamiejamie · 05/05/2021 19:46

Just read the update ignore me!

3AndStopping · 05/05/2021 19:48

Was not disappointed by the
‘It’s not gender it’s sex’
&
‘It’s not my thing, sooo tacky.’ Comments.

Knew they’d be here.
😴 😴 😴

Sorry for your losses OP, however DSS acts don’t let it take a single thing away from your happiness. If you can foresee it you can ignore it right?

AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore · 05/05/2021 19:50

I have an autistic child and I think you've made the right call going for a relaxed 'special presents for the baby' session OP: why put your dss in a situation which he and you will find hard when you can create a much more positive space. If you haven't already, I'd keep reading about autism: so much of how you parent atypical children just doesn't work for autistic children, and the 'don't let the tantrums rule your decisions' narrative is a hard one to get away from ime. But both your lives will be so much smoother.

I'd also add another point about sex reveals when you have a number of children already: whichever sex you have, you'll celebrate: what your children will see is you celebrating that sex. So your girl will see you being delighted to have a boy (what does that tell her?) or your boys will see you being delighted to have a girl (what does that tell them?) - given the sibling rivalry even in the best and most loving families, it's not something I can see is healthy to sibling dynamics, even in a NT family. (I speak as an NT whose mum was a teacher: she told me a couple of times she found boys easier and more satisfying to teach: I'm sure in her mind it didn't mean anything, but I'm nearly 50 and have never forgotten how that felt...)

Hankunamatata · 05/05/2021 19:53

We found out the sex becuase ours were very stuck on one sex. We told them casually as you said, then had pizza for tea. We took them shopping to buy a present and helped research names.

bluebluezoo · 05/05/2021 20:46

DSS2 would like another brother because he thinks girls are less fun and he has less in common with them

And making a big deal of boys vs girls and the sexes being different will only reinforce that for him.

altiara · 05/05/2021 21:10

Not sure how old DSS was when your other 2 DC were born, has anyone made it clear that whatever kind of baby arrives, they will still be boring. Sorry baby, no offence to you, just sleeping and feeding isn’t exciting for a child! When my niece was born, my DS had been so excited about having a new cousin, even wanting to go into hospital the day she was born to see her. After he met her and held her max 2 minutes, he’d had enough.

Llyn · 05/05/2021 23:13

I'd also add another point about sex reveals when you have a number of children already: whichever sex you have, you'll celebrate: what your children will see is you celebrating that sex. So your girl will see you being delighted to have a boy (what does that tell her?) or your boys will see you being delighted to have a girl (what does that tell them?) - given the sibling rivalry even in the best and most loving families, it's not something I can see is healthy to sibling dynamics, even in a NT family.

This is an excellent point.