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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have a gender reveal celebration incase DSS kicks off?

156 replies

WoohooCharityShops · 05/05/2021 14:10

I'm pregnant with what is affectionately known as our 'rainbow' baby, the pregnancy began as twins but we lost one early on. I now have to have extra monitoring and I'm under consultant led care as something was picked up during tests which means surviving baby is at an increased risk. With all that in mind, I'm having an anxious pregnancy and I don't care what sex it is so long as it's healthy.

Once we find out the gender next week OH wants to do a gender reveal celebration for the children (ours and his) in the garden with balloons, a colour cannon etc so he can film it to look back on in the future.

The idea is sweet if a bit cringe but I don't want to do it, reason being I just know DSS2 is going to be overtly negative if the baby isn't his preferred sex. He has made his preference clear and said he wouldn't be happy unless it was that. DSS2 expresses his disappointment disproportionately to some as he has some additional needs. Gender disappointment risks a meltdown, basically.

Sadly and selfishly I don't think I would deal with that very well on the day, with everything I've gone through with the pregnancy so far and the uncertainty ahead - I just don't have the emotional bandwidth to deal his potential disappointment leading to a meltdown and spoiling the day.

OH was excited to do it as hes never done something like this before, it will be the last baby for the both of us, but I just don't want to for the above reason.

AIBU?

disclaimer - we all love DSS2 very much so let's not make this a step parent bashing thread please

OP posts:
BelleBlueBell · 05/05/2021 15:13

Why do you need to tell the children before the birth at all?

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 05/05/2021 15:14

I think it would be pretty horrible for DSS to have to deal with his disappointment in front of everyone, especially as they will all be celebrating, which will be totally at odds to the way that he's feeling.

I can't quite believe that his dad would want to put him through that - maybe find out the gender first and then decide what to do. If it's not what's he's hoping for then it's not going to be a great day for you or him and I think your DH needs to put both of your needs ahead of his own desire for a party.

swimlittlefishy · 05/05/2021 15:15

@Viviennemary

Just do it. Why should the day be spoiled by a stroppy kid. Get your DH to warn him beforehand. But if you are really not keen well then dont.
FFS. Do you actually think having additional needs is "being stroppy"? WTF is wrong with you? A "gender reveal" party is a good way to spoil any day anyway.
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 05/05/2021 15:17

Your DH needs to tell his son about the baby's sex in private so they can deal with his feelings together, not in front of you or he other children. It is not fair on his son otherwise.

The party is a separate thing.

Llyn · 05/05/2021 15:20

I agree with all your points OP, so I don’t have much to add. I just wanted to say you sound like a lovely step-mother, and I’m sorry for your loss. I hope the rest of your pregnancy and the birth go well Flowers

Mydogisagentleman · 05/05/2021 15:22

Bloody awful idea

doublehalo · 05/05/2021 15:24

Gender reveal parties are a totally naff idea. Aside from the fact that there is no such thing as gender anyway.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 05/05/2021 15:25

Gender reveal parties are so tacky. There are better ways of announcing to the world your child’s genitalia than triggering a minor earthquake.

Macncheeseballs · 05/05/2021 15:27

Agree, gender reveal parties and baby showers are awful

Idontlikethatnameanymore · 05/05/2021 15:28

Putting aside the 'gender' reveal part, If your DH really wants to do something, why don't you both tell him privately, support how he reacts and then ask him if he would like to be the one to tell your older 2?
That way he could help his dad plan a confetti balloon, or party or whatever, your DH gets his bit of fun and your DSS2 is given time to process his reaction.

Original poster
WoohooCharityShops · 05/05/2021 15:32

It has tickled me to see how much MN abhors these gender reveal parties, I totally get it. We've never done anything like that with our existing children so god knows why he's so enthusiastic about doing one this time.

If i really think about it then it's probably subconsciously (him) wanting to make it as special as possible, given the circumstances. He's quite sweet but a bit of a plonker sometimes.

I must find that video of the dad getting shot in the balls by the cannon, that should do the trick.

OP posts:
Original poster
WoohooCharityShops · 05/05/2021 15:33

@Llyn

I agree with all your points OP, so I don’t have much to add. I just wanted to say you sound like a lovely step-mother, and I’m sorry for your loss. I hope the rest of your pregnancy and the birth go well Flowers
Thank you Llyn and others for such kind comments, I appreciate them x
OP posts:
Soubriquet · 05/05/2021 15:34

Don’t worry OP I get you

I’ve said if I’m lucky to get pregnant again, I will be doing a private sex reveal. Nothing explosive or fire causing but something little to celebrate with my family

blameitonthecaffeine · 05/05/2021 15:38

You'll know the sex beforehand so why not just do a party if it's his preferred one, and don't if it's not?

I don't understand why it took so many posts for anyone to say this and why no one has agreed.

Feelings around the naff-ness of 'gender' reveal parties aside (the OP wasn't asking people's opinion on that), surely this is the obvious answer? The parties aren't a surprise to the parents to be, are they? (or maybe they are?!)

Lweji · 05/05/2021 15:40

@doublehalo

Gender reveal parties are a totally naff idea. Aside from the fact that there is no such thing as gender anyway.
Apparently there are 1000s of genders (Google says from 12 to 64), so, which one do you reveal? And how do you find out via ultrasound? Hmm

On a side note, I like Gender apathetic. Maybe go for that one as a goal, as in your baby won't be arsed about gender. Wink

BlackCatShadow · 05/05/2021 15:41

I think, if it's a boy, then go ahead and do the party.

If it's a girl, start talking to him and preparing him for that.

Lweji · 05/05/2021 15:43

@blameitonthecaffeine

You'll know the sex beforehand so why not just do a party if it's his preferred one, and don't if it's not?

I don't understand why it took so many posts for anyone to say this and why no one has agreed.

Feelings around the naff-ness of 'gender' reveal parties aside (the OP wasn't asking people's opinion on that), surely this is the obvious answer? The parties aren't a surprise to the parents to be, are they? (or maybe they are?!)

It took me 20 posts to say pretty much the same, about 9 posts before the quoted one. I suppose it's easy to miss posts, like you did mine. Grin
Crunchymum · 05/05/2021 15:43

Surely the kid Dad knows his child won't deal well with this? Why is he even suggesting it?

Just say no if you don't want it? You don't even have to cite DSS as the reason.

YouJustFoldItIn · 05/05/2021 15:43

He has made his preference clear and said he wouldn't be happy unless it was that. DSS2 expresses his disappointment disproportionately to some as he has some additional needs. Gender disappointment risks a meltdown, basically.

I was going to say YANBU, but if there is likely to be a meltdown surely it's better to get it out of the way now, rather than before you have a newborn to deal with as well?

Original poster
WoohooCharityShops · 05/05/2021 15:45

Apparently there are 1000s of genders (Google says from 12 to 64), so, which one do you reveal? And how do you find out via ultrasound?

I think you're supposed to wait until it's born, talking and then ask the child Wink Grin

OP posts:
CadburyCake · 05/05/2021 15:46

I actually wouldn’t put a child with ASD in the position of a big, “public” surprise reveal of anything, whether you know it’s the sex he wants or not. My autistic son doesn’t do well with surprises or high emotion of any kind, good surprises or bad, and if you’re going to get upset about his reaction too (which is understandable in a difficult pregnancy) I’d honestly just avoid the potential for a massive meltdown. It’s not fair to your DSS. I’d find out and tell him, in private and allow him time to have his reaction without anyone videoing for posterity. Who ever actually looks back on their sex reveal stunt video anyway?

museumum · 05/05/2021 15:46

I think that having a little family 'baby shower' in the garden is a lovely idea.
Can you push your dh towards that, and make it not really about the sex but about anticipating the new baby.

ThankYouHunkyJesus · 05/05/2021 15:47

I don't think it's fair to dss to deliberately put him in the position where he's likely to be upset and ruin the day, for the sake of something that in the grand scheme of things doesn't matter anyway (sex of the baby). Your oh should put his son first.

YouJustFoldItIn · 05/05/2021 15:48

yes exactly, Cadbury the whole gender reveal song and dance is not necessary. Find out, tell the ASD child to give him time to process it if it's not what he wanted but don't turn it into a big 'TA-DA!!' circus.

Warrickdaviesasplates · 05/05/2021 15:49

@blameitonthecaffeine

You'll know the sex beforehand so why not just do a party if it's his preferred one, and don't if it's not?

I don't understand why it took so many posts for anyone to say this and why no one has agreed.

Feelings around the naff-ness of 'gender' reveal parties aside (the OP wasn't asking people's opinion on that), surely this is the obvious answer? The parties aren't a surprise to the parents to be, are they? (or maybe they are?!)

I think usually you get the person doing the scan to write the sex on a card or something and put it in an envelope. Then the parents give the envelope, unopened, to someone else to sort out the reveal aspect so that it is a surprise to everyone.

If the parents already knew then why do the reveal aspect at all? (Although I'm not a fan of the "gender reveal" thing so wouldn't do it regardless)

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