To not want to have a gender reveal celebration incase DSS kicks off?

[WoohooCharityShops]

I'm pregnant with what is affectionately known as our 'rainbow' baby, the pregnancy began as twins but we lost one early on. I now have to have extra monitoring and I'm under consultant led care as something was picked up during tests which means surviving baby is at an increased risk. With all that in mind, I'm having an anxious pregnancy and I don't care what sex it is so long as it's healthy.

Once we find out the gender next week OH wants to do a gender reveal celebration for the children (ours and his) in the garden with balloons, a colour cannon etc so he can film it to look back on in the future.

The idea is sweet if a bit cringe but I don't want to do it, reason being I just know DSS2 is going to be overtly negative if the baby isn't his preferred sex. He has made his preference clear and said he wouldn't be happy unless it was that. DSS2 expresses his disappointment disproportionately to some as he has some additional needs. Gender disappointment risks a meltdown, basically.

Sadly and selfishly I don't think I would deal with that very well on the day, with everything I've gone through with the pregnancy so far and the uncertainty ahead - I just don't have the emotional bandwidth to deal his potential disappointment leading to a meltdown and spoiling the day.

OH was excited to do it as hes never done something like this before, it will be the last baby for the both of us, but I just don't want to for the above reason.

AIBU?

disclaimer - we all love DSS2 very much so let's not make this a step parent bashing thread please

It’s hard for me to comment as gender reveal parties / cupcakes etc make me cringe. But tough if DSS doesn’t get his preference, it’s a 50/50 chance after all

We wasn't going to hide the sex until baby was born, the children will all know within the next fortnight I just don't want to make a big deal about it iykwim?

So instead of balloons and a celebration more or less "Oh by the way, the baby is a (insert whichever) how lovely, now what do you want for tea" sort of thing.

DSS2 is 9 and is the youngest of OH's boys, he has suspected autism.

You'll know the sex beforehand so why not just do a party if it's his preferred one, and don't if it's not?

Sorry just seen he is not NT but even if you don't have the reveal he'll have to find out sometime,surely its better he finds out before the baby is here.

Would DH see it differently if you explained it's actually quite a cruel situation to put DSS in, quite apart from how you feel about it , which of course is important, but it might help add another perspective?

Personally, I'd just say no way on earth am I getting involved in that tackiness, but you have other very valid reasons to want to avoid it.

I think that your DH needs to put his dc and you first.

So planning something he knows is likely to upset a ND dc and cause his wife extra stress seems poor behavior.

Maybe he could work on a private celebration/reveal just for the adults and the dc could be told by him in a ways they would be more able to handle.

Basically your DH needs to be more mature and put your need for calm and his dc's need for the news in a way he can manage first.

Just tell your dh that's not what you want and why.
Never known a man get excited about gender revealing and balloons, before

Why do people become sheeple quite so easily? Who cares what genitalia your unborn baby has? Like you say, you just want him or her to be healthy. These sort of events are just embarrassing and, yes, cringeworthy 😧 Just because your OH has read about other men getting their balls blown off when a cutesy canon misfires, doesn’t mean he has to do the same thing!

Why do they, or even you, need to know in advance?

Why doesn’t he care for your feelings about this? You don’t have to find out the sex at all. You say you don’t care so why find out at all?

My DSC had a preference and both felt the same but DH and I didn’t want to know what we were having till it was born so we didn’t. 16 scans and we never found out and when she arrived and we told them they were too excited to care what sex she was.

@WoohooCharityShops OH was excited to do it as hes never done something like this before

Glad to hear he hasn’t done something so utterly inane as a gender reveal. Christ. Never mind DSS2 just don’t be another person pursuing this ridiculous ‘event’ PS it’s a sex reveal

You're not being unreasonable OP. It sounds like a casual announcement would be best for both you and your dss.

If dh wants to celebrate, why not have a mini baby shower with the children a couple of days after the sex has been announced?

I would like to know what it is, although it doesn't actually matter to me which way that goes. I'll not be dissapointed regardless.

I can completely see where some posters are coming from actually, when you say it's quite cruel to put DSS2 in that position given that he has such a strong preference.

Perhaps I will come at it from that angle when I speak to OH.

This whole situation could be resolved by literally not doing anything. Gender reveals is a terrible concept. Your stepson's additional needs aside a gender reveal would still be terrible. Just cancel the whole thing and tell your husband that you'll find out the sex at the scan and that's that. Really given the nature of your set up you'd do well to avoid any unnecessary stress and this is one such a useless endeavour.

Before OH came up with the idea of doing the little party the plan was to just tell the children casually, making no fuss about it.

Surely any sort of party is making a fuss about it? No fuss would just be telling your DCs DSCs quietly.

PS it’s a sex reveal

Don't tell me, tell the companies who advertise these "gender reveal packages" in the first place

I get the point!

It is just you two & the kids or us he planning on inviting others?

What's the B/G mix you have now?

I'm American and still find the whole gender reveal thing to be 100% cringe. Please don't.

I would gently tell DSS2 well before the birth but on his own.

Having a party is just courting his disappointment/ meltdown.

@tulippa

Before OH came up with the idea of doing the little party the plan was to just tell the children casually, making no fuss about it.

Surely any sort of party is making a fuss about it? No fuss would just be telling your DCs DSCs quietly.

Try reading what you just copied.

I agree with @Milkshake7489 if your dh wants to celebrate maybe tell the kids the baby's sex one week. Give DSS time to adjust to the idea if needs be and then do a little baby shower later in the pregnancy.

Dh could even get the children to help plan things for the party, maybe DSS could choose a special present like a book, outfit or teddy for the new baby to help him feel important and connected to the new baby even if it's not the sex he wants.

@AlmostSummer21

It is just you two & the kids or us he planning on inviting others?

What's the B/G mix you have now?

Just me, OH and the children

3 boys 1 girl (he has two boys, we have a bit and a girl)

DSS2 wants yet another brother because apparently DD is very boring

Sorry ignore my last comment - wasn't reading properly!

Called it! Knew it would be a boy he wanted

@Warrickdaviesasplates

I agree with *@Milkshake7489* if your dh wants to celebrate maybe tell the kids the baby's sex one week. Give DSS time to adjust to the idea if needs be and then do a little baby shower later in the pregnancy.

Dh could even get the children to help plan things for the party, maybe DSS could choose a special present like a book, outfit or teddy for the new baby to help him feel important and connected to the new baby even if it's not the sex he wants.

That's a lovely idea.

I like the idea of having DSS2 choose a special present for the baby.