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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have a gender reveal celebration incase DSS kicks off?

156 replies

WoohooCharityShops · 05/05/2021 14:10

I'm pregnant with what is affectionately known as our 'rainbow' baby, the pregnancy began as twins but we lost one early on. I now have to have extra monitoring and I'm under consultant led care as something was picked up during tests which means surviving baby is at an increased risk. With all that in mind, I'm having an anxious pregnancy and I don't care what sex it is so long as it's healthy.

Once we find out the gender next week OH wants to do a gender reveal celebration for the children (ours and his) in the garden with balloons, a colour cannon etc so he can film it to look back on in the future.

The idea is sweet if a bit cringe but I don't want to do it, reason being I just know DSS2 is going to be overtly negative if the baby isn't his preferred sex. He has made his preference clear and said he wouldn't be happy unless it was that. DSS2 expresses his disappointment disproportionately to some as he has some additional needs. Gender disappointment risks a meltdown, basically.

Sadly and selfishly I don't think I would deal with that very well on the day, with everything I've gone through with the pregnancy so far and the uncertainty ahead - I just don't have the emotional bandwidth to deal his potential disappointment leading to a meltdown and spoiling the day.

OH was excited to do it as hes never done something like this before, it will be the last baby for the both of us, but I just don't want to for the above reason.

AIBU?

disclaimer - we all love DSS2 very much so let's not make this a step parent bashing thread please

OP posts:
drumandthebass · 05/05/2021 15:50

Gender reveal parties are just so tacky. Why can't you wait until the birth to reveal the sex??

minniemomo · 05/05/2021 15:53

If it's purely for the kids then it might be fun as the party aspect might deflect gender disappointment to a certain extent. As you already anticipate their could be issues involving more people is not a good idea

nancywhitehead · 05/05/2021 15:58

There's nothing I like about the concept of gender reveal parties, they just make me cringe and I would never agree to have one, but I know that some people like them.

Can't you find out the sex of the baby in advance, and only throw the party if it's a boy? If it's a girl then maybe don't have the party and just tell him in another way?

As he has special needs and could have a meltdown if it's not a boy, I don't think he should find out in front of loads of people, it's not fair on him and could ruin the party.

BittyBatHats · 05/05/2021 16:01

I'd find out yourselves first and then decide what to do. My DSD really wanted a sister. Once we found the baby was a girl we did a gender reveal and let her cut the cake. She was over the moon. I wouldn't have done if it had been a boy. Adults might find them naff but I think it helps older siblings to bond with the baby. Gender does matter to kids. Lots of primary aged kids mostly play with their own gender so it makes sense they have a preference.

SirSamuelVimes · 05/05/2021 16:01

Reveal parties are a complete load of utter wankery. Just don't do one. Find out the sex at the scan if it matters to you. If it doesn't, don't find out.

If you think you will need to manage your dss's reaction to the baby's sex in advance of it being born, as a result of his SEN, then find out, and decide what to do about telling him once you know if it's (from his POV) good news or bad.

But don't intentionally surprise him with what could be (for him) bad news and expect him to be able to manage his reaction in a way that a) won't upset you and your DH, and b) you want on camera for his sibling to see when older.

BlackDaffodil · 05/05/2021 16:05

It's a shame your entire pregnancy is overshadowed by the reactions of a 9 year old child.

HotPenguin · 05/05/2021 16:06

In your circumstances, no - there's no way I would do this. I'm sure you feel very sad about the twin you lost, and I would find it hard to celebrate in those circumstances and also while there are concerns about your pregnancy.

Concern about your DSS is yet another reason. Is he autistic - if so it really isn't fair to spring the news on him in this way, if it's not the news he wants it would be better to break it to him gently and in private.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 05/05/2021 16:07

If your partner wants to do a little reveal, maybe do it for the two of you? Go for something like a cake. He can film you cutting the cake (or vice versa), you both just find out together with no kids. Then bring the kids in, DH can talk to DSS quietly before he brings him in. Then if it’s not what DSS wanted, you can sweeten the blow with cake. Not make a big deal with it. You’re all just going to eat some cake and the baby will have whatever personalities it has.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 05/05/2021 16:12

I don't understand why it took so many posts for anyone to say this and why no one has agreed.

Because there are other children involved and they might not have the required feelings either and we don't know if they're old enough to pretend. Realistically they all need to be told in private.

He's quite sweet but a bit of a plonker sometimes.

I wasn't going to say that but it did cross my mind.

mam0918 · 05/05/2021 16:14

Not a gender reveal but I get it, both times we told ODS that I was pregnant he threw a strop. We went through a decade of hell, loss and IVF to get there and it really sucks to have a moody teen shit on that for you.

The first time I totally didn't expect it as he had always asked for a sibling, we figured it must just be the shock of not knowing what to expect.

The 2nd time I didn't expect it again because he was older and I was certain he had figured it out anyway + dispite his outburst the first time he actually adores his brother and knows what to expect now.

Unfortunately we can't control the reactions of others and kids are inherantly selfish and have zero social awareness of whats acceptible so they will find out at some point and you'll have to deal with it then weather its sooner or later.

Hont1986 · 05/05/2021 16:14

Has anyone ever rewatched home videos of christenings, Christmas mornings, birthday parties, etc? My dad would get the camcorder out for all of them and I don't think he's even got the kit to watch them now.

TheCrowening · 05/05/2021 16:14

[quote EmpressSuiko]@Hadalifeonce it’s important for many children on the spectrum to be told about things in advance, especially if it’s something that causes them stress and anxiety.
If they tell DSS it gives him time to come to terms with it. It may seem irrational and silly to some but to him it’s a big deal and they may need to use methods like a social story or comic book strip to help him process the information.[/quote]
Yes, this - and also many autistic children really struggle with surprises (even “nice” ones). The party idea isn’t for your children’s benefit, it’s for your partner.

caramelsalted · 05/05/2021 16:16

I think you need to put your energies into managing the expectations of your DSS.
You can't order the sex of a baby, you can't change it because it isn't what he prefers.
Also sex not gender - words matter.

Children should never be asked 'what sex/type/ brother or sister do you want?' As if they have a choice, it is setting them up for disappointment especially if they have additional needs.

All that aside- don't do something you don't want to do. Again this is about managing expectations. Your OH has this picture perfect insta video reveal in his head, you can see that the reality may well include negative reactions, arguments and upset.

Illberidingshotgun · 05/05/2021 16:17

@Viviennemary

Just do it. Why should the day be spoiled by a stroppy kid. Get your DH to warn him beforehand. But if you are really not keen well then dont.
You know that neurodivergence doesn't mean that an individual is "stroppy" as you put it, or badly behaved? Your comments are discriminatory, and upsetting.

OP, I think it will be so stressful if the reveal is not as DSS2 hoped, and it may be stressful for him anyway. Tell him quietly without any party or anything, perhaps some visual tools to get him used to which ever it is, and to get used to the idea of the baby anyway?

Justilou1 · 05/05/2021 16:18

I think that even without the predicted meltdown of a possibly ASD kid (feel for you - it's a tricky road to navigate), these things are really self-indulgent anyway. Your DH wants to do it, but you don't. You will be feeling the loss of your other twin while celebrating the survivor. It's bittersweet. You don't need to deal with everyone else's reactions - you have enough of your own.

Tubs11 · 05/05/2021 16:19

so sorry you lost one of your babies early on, I hope the rest of your pregnancy is smooth sailing.

Could you do a gender reveal party if its DSS preferred gender only?

Just have a factual convo if it isn't, that way meltdown is dealt with privately

Ericaequites · 05/05/2021 16:19

The level of drama involved in a gender reveal party is pure madness. Don’t do this. Privately tell the children later on. NB: I have the syndrome formerly known as Asperger’s, and loathe breaks in routine even at 50.

Chewbecca · 05/05/2021 16:31

Don't find out the sex and wait until birth.

It's lovely to find out when they're born and noone can be disappointed where there is a beautiful little baby to coo over.

newnortherner111 · 05/05/2021 16:32

Wait until the birth. Your reasons are perfectly valid, even for those who think gender reveal parties are a good idea.

cordelia16 · 05/05/2021 16:36

Given that you're having a difficult, at risk pregnancy, and sadly have lost one twin, I think it would be better to forgo any big announcement, separate from how DSS2 would take it. If anything were to go wrong, a big reveal party would surely not be a moment you'd want to look back on.

Tell those who need to know privately, and then concentrate on taking care of yourself until the birth. Wishing you all the best Flowers

zzizzer · 05/05/2021 16:37

No for all the reasons here and also, unless he did it for all of them, why does this one get special treatment?

However - given that he's into this for some reason, could you perhaps do a special small thing just for him alone? Blue or pink cupcake or something?

OmniversalSpecies2021 · 05/05/2021 16:40

I don't care what sex it is so long as it's healthy.....Once we find out the gender next week OH wants to do a gender reveal celebration

Keep the terminology correct - it's a sex reveal NOT 'gender' reveal......you don't know whether your DC will identify as male or female until they decide for themselves.

That makes it easier to explain factually to DSS and then just discipline any bratty behaviour.
You could try explaining it bluntly to DSS: "Nobody gets to 'choose' the sex of the baby - and it's the person born that you love, not love them just cos they're a boy or girl"
You could also try putting it back onhim to mull over - how would he feel if his parents/family didn't love him cos they wanted a girl and out he popped???

Seriously though, nip this attitude in the bud - otherwise it will be tantrums, bad behaviour and attitude after the baby gets here and a lot tougher for you to manage.

CadburyCake · 05/05/2021 16:43

“ noone can be disappointed where there is a beautiful little baby to coo over.”

Oh yes they very much can. My child with ASD, who now absolutely dotes on their sibling and is very close to them, had a very strong negative reaction to them as a tiny newborn, to the point where they had to be prevented from hurting them. They were then very upset they had felt that way, so got incredibly distressed again. The fact the baby was, to an adult, cute was absolutely irrelevant.

You and I might find little babies beautiful and disappointment impossible, but for a child, much less a neurodiverse one, it really is not that simple.

MoreWater · 05/05/2021 16:48

You don't have to do this because you don't want to. That is enough.

Just say to all of the kids, "oh guess what, we found out today you're going to be having a little sister / little brother. Now, please empty your lunchboxes / eat your veggies / put your shoes away / whatever".

There's absolutely no need to make a big deal of it, and the fact that you don't want to should be enough.

murbblurb · 05/05/2021 16:58

that's it, really. What is between the baby's legs is not actually that important.

unless dad to be is one of those who really thinks his manhood is defined by it. In which case you have bigger problems.